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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be appalled and upset by this

200 replies

bagpuss90 · 15/05/2023 19:43

So I split with my kids dad over 10 years ago . We have an okay relationship now. He remarrried and I get on well with his wife.
Anyway she text me at the weekend and asked if we could meet as she had something to tell me. I was a bit curious. . Anyway we met for a coffee - and she told me that my ex had told her that while we were on our honeymoon he went off for a massage and had a happy ending . He said he got carried away. She said it’s made her look at him in a different light and she thought I should know. I’ve moved on - but for some reason it’s really upset me. I feel like our marriage was a sham . It was our honeymoon ffs . I thought we were having great sex-silly me.I don’t think she’s lying . I really don’t. I don’t know why it’s bothered me so much. I’m happy now.

OP posts:
Terrysnotmine · 16/05/2023 19:44

To wear a long black dress to a wedding?

FootieMama · 16/05/2023 20:27

It sounds like she wants to invalidate your past relationship. There is no other reason to tell you this.
I only imagine it being brought up in a conversation if he was trying to prove to her that he wasn't attracted to you. Stillfind hard to believe any man admitting to something like this

hopeishopeless · 16/05/2023 20:37

Leaving aside whether anyone else would find it funny, it's a shame so many people are so quick to say the current wife is a cunt. My guess is that she's a bit desperate because she has discovered, for whatever reason, that her husband is a vile specimen, and is seeking some kind of strange solidarity. Or something of that sort. So while by any logical thought process, it's at the least a bit odd that she has told the OP this, there may well be a good reason - at the heart of which is the man being a complete bellend. I wouldn't be so quick to judge the woman here.

All that said: I even wonder if the husband's story is true. "I shagged hot masseuse on my honeymoon" sounds like something from Pornhub, and I wonder if he has invented it for some very weird reason of his own, which is related to there being something wrong in his current marriage.

KatieP8 · 16/05/2023 20:47

Your hurt feelings are completely valid, you loved that man and he is the father of your children. Horrible thing to find out so long after the fact, even though you're in a good place now. I can totally sympathise with you, and the wife actually, although I think she shouldn't have told you, she must see you as more of a friend than an ex, and she wasn't really thinking about your feelings at all but her own; doesn't make her a cunt, just reactive and desperate.

I've been that kind of woman before and have 'dirt' on two of my exes whom I loved a lot, it did go through my head to tell their ex & their current wife what they'd been up to years before, when I was angry at them, but thought better of it.

10 years of separation doesn't mean you can't be downright furious and betrayed. I'd suggest you find a way to come to terms with that somehow, that doesn't involve getting embroiled with his marriage (like others said- he's her problem now), wishing you the best of luck!

FootieMama · 16/05/2023 21:03

I would ask him

eastegg · 16/05/2023 21:12

Throwncrumbs · 15/05/2023 19:49

I would think that probably everything isn’t rosy on their marriage front..she’s seen him in a different light, maybe shes looking for ‘story’s’ from you!

I think this is probably spot on. She wants to share stories about him. Unfortunately she’s gone about it in a way that’s upsetting for you OP.

Bugbabe1970 · 16/05/2023 21:21

littleripper · 15/05/2023 20:28

So many weird responses.....
DH cheats with a sex worker whilst on honeymoon and everyone is livid with his NEW WIFE who is horrified and clearly got the ick so shared it.

I'd want to know, and I'd be really grateful that she has told me and not protected him. Sounds like she has been a great step mum and is not a bitch, shit stirrer or cunt at all to me.

This!

SmileyClare · 16/05/2023 21:24

Id be really grateful she’d told me and not protected him

Protected him from what?

SmileyClare · 16/05/2023 21:38

I’m not sure she’s a bitch but it’s rare for humans to have one very simplistic motivation behind their actions.

So it’s impossible to know her agenda,

Being generous, maybe she’s just a bit dim and didn’t understand how traumatised and bloody embarrassed her friend would feel.

I find mumsnet generally oddly pious and sanctimonious about honesty and people being “owed the truth”

In reality, it’s far kinder to apply some empathy and tact and withhold information when there is no good to come of dumping it on someone else.

If his wife has the “ick” she ought to have the sense to offload elsewhere.

Passenger42 · 16/05/2023 22:04

I would take her revelation with a pinch of salt. He might have said to her that he still had feelings for you or compared you to her in a row. She sounds like she has jealousy issues or insecurities to be trying to spoil your memories of your honeymoon. It’s meddling and I feel done deliberately to get a reaction, to see your face. I hope you braved it out and laughed when she told you and said I think he is pulling your leg dear, we had no time for massage that week! Distance yourself from this toxic insensitive person.

Mamanyt · 17/05/2023 00:00

Oh, goodness. This was what? Fifteen or more years ago? I see why you are upset, I do, but don't let this eat at you. As for you thinking that you were having great sex, you probably were, and he probably thought so, too. Men, in general, think very differently about a "massage with a happy ending" than women do. Just as most men think oral sex is not "real" sex. Chalk it up to, "Men have no real clue," and try to let this go. It is not worth making yourself miserable over.

Mothership4two · 17/05/2023 01:15

Why would he tell her that and why would she tell you? Neither of them come out of this well. Of course it's upsetting to hear and has probably raked up old emotions that hopefully will settle back down as quickly. He sounds like a grubby, disloyal, misogynist pervert jerk and you are well rid OP.

SchoolTripDrama · 17/05/2023 02:29

Inthebathagain · 15/05/2023 21:17

Bitch.

No other word for it.

Yea of course, blame her for telling OP, not the bloke for what he did 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

mandlerparr · 17/05/2023 05:19

Maybe she was fishing to see if he had told you any similar stories about him cheating on her.

Fanofbrianbilston · 17/05/2023 07:42

Sounds like an episode of Schitts Creek

SmileyClare · 17/05/2023 08:16

It doesn’t lessen the act but are people aware of what a massage with a “happy ending” is?

It means he orgasmed during a massage. With it without some hand help from the masseuse.

Its still fairly grim but it’s not literally “shagging a sex worker” as some people assume.

Theres a comedy film (can’t remember the name) where a woman on a hen do is mortified that she orgasms during a massage . Perhaps the husband was referencing that in a sort of misjudged “funny anecdote” way.

I find this whole scenario very odd whatever actually happened.

Macinae · 17/05/2023 09:39

I understand it making her see him in a different light as she's married to him now, but I'm confused why she felt the need to tell you. Surely it wasn't going to achieve anything other than upsetting you? If she told you as a friend because you were still married to him, I'd understand.

CriticalAlert · 17/05/2023 14:34

It's a strange thing for her to tell you since you've obviously become friends. Would she really want to hurt you with this revelation? Maybe he told her knowing that she'd tell you? But telling her this is going to create distrust for her. Which makes him an evil bastard. Or perhaps she trusts you and feels you are reasonably distanced from him now and wants to talk to you about him? He could be making her life a misery? But if your kids arrange their contact with him now, I'd steer clear of any involvement with her. She might be looking for an ally, but you've done with this bloke - he sounds like a pig TBH.

AbraKedavra · 17/05/2023 15:08

Just a massage with a happy ending? Honestly I don't see what the big deal is.

GoodChat · 17/05/2023 15:11

AbraKedavra · 17/05/2023 15:08

Just a massage with a happy ending? Honestly I don't see what the big deal is.

You don't see what the big deal is with her new husband getting a happy ending on her honeymoon?

SmileyClare · 17/05/2023 15:27

There’s no indication she’s going to leave her husband over this shit thing that happened on honeymoon with his first wife.

Presumably she met her husband years later, after he’d had children and gone through a divorce. People grow up and change, it’s unlikely he’s the same man as he was in his 20’s.

So how is she expecting this to help op?

Op’s upset,and the news has cast a black cloud over her memory, she’s feels completely humiliated.

The friend is happy that she’s done the right thing- his ex wife had a right to know Hmm
Unfortunately, she’s not in a soap opera where a bombshell is quickly forgotten about by the next episode.

Thanks mate, well done.

Ellyess · 17/05/2023 20:42

bagpuss90 I'm so sorry. I can imagine how horrible this is. I actually think the current wife didn't mean to upset you and is upset herself and you are the only person with whom she can discuss this. Plus as you said, she seems to feel it is something she ought to tell you. I think men are just so different from women.

I was married to an older man, and in the first few months after we were married, I was in our house in the evening with his Best Man. My husband and Best man's wife were at their School where they taught, at a school play. I was sewing. Suddenly this guy much older than me and whom I hardly knew, says, "I want to make love to you." I was sick with fear. I said something stupid like I make a better cup of tea and went to the kitchen. I didn't know what to do. He was very big and I didn't feel safe. Btw he was a Uni lecturer so I wonder how the Students fared with him? Anyway, when I told my husband of only a few months what had happened, he said without any emotion, "You should have tried him out to see what he is like." I know he meant it. Stupid me was expecting new husband to be shocked about his friend, protective of me, and sorry I had been frightened and promise to make sure I was never on my own with the scary big man again!!
I think it might be that Thailand, being so different, your husband being so loved-up, he just went with the impulse, probably thinking that's what you do in Thailand. I am guessing it wasn't intercourse but she used her hand. I guess he was aroused and I think he wasn't really thinking straight. A I said, men are not like us. Not in my experience. I met another older man several years after my husband died. He tried to court me. It was a difficult situation for me. But he told me very soon after we met that when his ex wife gave birth to their first child, he immediately went out and found a prostitute! I was disgusted. It was something I could not get out of my mind after that. For the work I was doing, I had to meet him at his work place where he was in a position which demanded dignity and respect.

Men! I am beginning to think I shall never understand them.

I do hope you will find this stops worrying you soon. It seems so unfair to have this upset, after going through the divorce and getting your life together. Please try not to give it too much importance. Your life now is what matters. You must look after yourself today. Plan some nice things to do. Please move on. He's a dork and you did the right thing, got rid of him. His current lady thought she was doing the right thing and probably needed your help. No doubt she finds life hard with him but can't say so.
Please look after yourself. Treat yourself to something lovely! 💐

SmileyClare · 17/05/2023 21:22

His current lady thought she was doing the right thing…No doubt she finds life hard with him and can’t say so

She can’t say she’s having relationship issues but she can describe in graphic detail what her husband did to betray his then wife on honeymoon? Confused

Staggeringly self absorbed if that’s the case. Why would anyone want to know their ex husband and his wife have been talking about how he had a sneaky hand job 20 years ago behind his wife’s back.

I keep reading “she probably thought you ought to know”
I don’t understand this line of thought at all.
How would this information help a woman who has been divorced for ten years?

Surely anyone with an ounce of empathy would realise it’s unkind to upset and humiliate a friend like this.

Most people would consider; Is it my place to say anything? What good could come of dragging up an old dark secret?

yourenottheboss · 17/05/2023 21:43

Tell her it doesn't matter to you as you're no longer with him, but that you feel sorry for her as she can't trust him.

That should put her in her place!

misssunshine4040 · 17/05/2023 21:53

bagpuss90 · 15/05/2023 19:48

MaggieBsBoat
I don’t think she has . I think it’s just really put her off him. I think she thought I ought to know. I almost wish I didn’t

I'm not buying this. I'm sure it's put her off him but that still doesn't justify telling you.
I know a few secrets like this and would never consider sharing them as they old and people have moved on.
Telling them would only hurt.
I think she is dragging you into something