Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be appalled and upset by this

200 replies

bagpuss90 · 15/05/2023 19:43

So I split with my kids dad over 10 years ago . We have an okay relationship now. He remarrried and I get on well with his wife.
Anyway she text me at the weekend and asked if we could meet as she had something to tell me. I was a bit curious. . Anyway we met for a coffee - and she told me that my ex had told her that while we were on our honeymoon he went off for a massage and had a happy ending . He said he got carried away. She said it’s made her look at him in a different light and she thought I should know. I’ve moved on - but for some reason it’s really upset me. I feel like our marriage was a sham . It was our honeymoon ffs . I thought we were having great sex-silly me.I don’t think she’s lying . I really don’t. I don’t know why it’s bothered me so much. I’m happy now.

OP posts:
penni00 · 15/05/2023 23:51

I think she is seeing the guy in a new light and is genuinely worried regarding her own relationship with him. Perhaps he has been displaying suspect behaviour, and because of this thing he told her about your honeymoon from the past, she is very concerned. I think she was going to you for help, and perhaps did not realise how upset you would feel. She may have seen herself as more the 'victim' because she is currently the woman living with the guy. Of course, it was insensitive of her, I am sorry - it must have been a shock for you.

JMSA · 16/05/2023 00:08

What a bitch. Why bother telling you at all?
Flowers

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 16/05/2023 00:48

I honestly don’t know her motives. I just feel a bit bloody stupid tbh. As far as I was concerned we were loved up , having great sex , on a dream honeymoon . I didn’t know he used working girls . I’m racking my brains as to wen he could have done it. Don’t recall him having a massage at all. I have moved on. I so want to say something to him tho

OP posts:
Antisocialfluffmonster · 16/05/2023 00:50

iver 10 years ago and about someone you’ve already divorced, I’d ignore it and move on.

penni00 · 16/05/2023 00:55

Yes, it needs to be ignored, but difficult not to be bugged by it! I would work out what to say to the new wife in preparation in case she brings it up again.

Asuitcase · 16/05/2023 00:56

Maybe he's made it up after getting caught doing something he shouldn't have recently.

Along the lines of why make a big deal of this Bagpuss got over it.

penni00 · 16/05/2023 00:58

Yes, I am wondering if new wife was trying to find out from OP if it was true.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 16/05/2023 01:00

bagpuss90 · 16/05/2023 00:48

I honestly don’t know her motives. I just feel a bit bloody stupid tbh. As far as I was concerned we were loved up , having great sex , on a dream honeymoon . I didn’t know he used working girls . I’m racking my brains as to wen he could have done it. Don’t recall him having a massage at all. I have moved on. I so want to say something to him tho

Keep in mind there's a possibility that this isn't true. It's possible that:

*It's a true story that he (oddly) chose to share with his current wife

*It's something he made up and told his wife

*It's a story completely fabricated by his current wife

Truthfully, it's hard to understand the motivations behind any of these scenarios, but people are strange. You are well rid of him, OP. Let his current wife deal with him; he's not your problem any longer.

Asuitcase · 16/05/2023 01:01

Men don't usually make confessions unless there is something else going on.

SpringCherryPie · 16/05/2023 01:06

What about HIS motives?

Why on earth is he telling his new wife that he did this on his honeymoon with you? What kind of conversation were they having for him to bring this up and why?

SarahSmith2023 · 16/05/2023 06:44

Booklover40 · 15/05/2023 22:14

So if your friend told you that your ex-dh had informed her that he'd visited a sex worker for a hand job on your honeymoon - you would take her for a coffee and ask her "why she felt the need to tell you that"?

Really? You would rather your friend keep that information to herself?

I don't understand this attitude at all. Men get away with shit like this when people keep quiet about it "so as not to rock the boat" or "not get involved". If I found out information like this I would definitely tell my friend, and I'd expect them to do the same.

Show quote history

@Booklover40

yes, I would, that's why I said it.

if we we're still a couple I'd want to know, but as he's an Ex, something that happened a decade ago when we were married, no, not really, what's the point? It's just causing hurt with no way to address it.

I mean, my head is saying I'd want to know, but my heart is saying FO.

& you have no idea what I've been through.

SarahSmith2023 · 16/05/2023 06:46

Booklover40 · 15/05/2023 22:02

This.

I don't get all the "oh what a cunt she is" posts either.

OP says they get along really well - clearly this woman sees her as a friend and thought she should know exactly what a twat he is. He deserves to have everyone know what a seedy, lying bastard he is - why should it be kept a secret from the woman he was cheating on? I would want to know personally. Now you really know what kind of man he is Op - one that cheats on his brand new wife on their Honeymoon.

I hope the SM chucks him out - sounds like she has massively got the Ick and for very good reason.

Show quote history

@Booklover40

she already knows what kind of a test he is, they're divorced, she doesn't need more hurt that over a decade later she can't address.

SarahSmith2023 · 16/05/2023 06:48

YouWonJayne · 15/05/2023 22:09

I’d be furious purely because he put your sexual health at a huge risk. Knob head.

Fancy telling his new OH that!

@YouWonJayne a hand job is not going to have put the OP's sexual health at risk.

Oldnproud · 16/05/2023 06:51

growgrowinggrown · 15/05/2023 20:06

I think if you've always had a civil or even friendly relationship with her I would take it at face value that she told you in good faith.

If she's seen him in a different light it may well be that the scales have fallen and she sees you in a totally new way too.

We see it all the time that exs are deemed crazy and unreasonable, she is probably now seeing that you're not the bad guy and the realisation has led her to feel a solidarity with you.

For all she knows you've had in inkling for years that your ex had been unfaithful and she was able to confirm it for you and put that niggle to bed.

I agree.

jeaux90 · 16/05/2023 06:53

Why are people laying into the wife here? Nuts!!

Why would she possibly conceal what she found out apart from to protect this gross man.

People told me stuff about my ex after the fact, yes it was upsetting but on reflection it made me absolutely 💯 sure that all the gaslighting he did was real.

Honesty seems a very underrated thing in here sometimes

SarahSmith2023 · 16/05/2023 07:01

SpringCherryPie · 16/05/2023 01:06

What about HIS motives?

Why on earth is he telling his new wife that he did this on his honeymoon with you? What kind of conversation were they having for him to bring this up and why?

@SpringCherryPie

maybe something as simple someone in a film doing similar or going to a prostitution & wife asking if he ever had. Perhaphs he said, kind of, only once when bag puss & I were in Thailand, I got a massage & she gave me a 'happy ending'. I felt SO bad afterwards I've never done it again'

maybe she suspects him and asked him and he said, not since....

the wife sounds like a nice person & bagpuss has lots of questions she wished she'd asked so that's why I suggested meeting up with her again.

SmileyClare · 16/05/2023 07:21

Of course you’re upset- she’s just invalidated your marriage, and pointed out your honeymoon was a sham.

Motivation?
a) she feels genuinely upset and wants to offload about seeing her dh in a new light. (insensitive to your feelings and self absorbed)

b) She wants to make it clear to you he never cared about you like he cares about her.

Id lose some respect for the friendship over this.

SmileyClare · 16/05/2023 07:27

Honesty is underrated

No need to throw this little bombshell into an amicable relationship formed between her , dh and the mother of his children.

Roselilly36 · 16/05/2023 07:27

What a thing to tell you? Regardless of her motives, surely she has a friend she could discuss it with if she needed to talk about it.

pensionconfusion · 16/05/2023 07:34

Maybe it didn't happen in your honeymoon but did on theirs. He feels guilty and had to tell her but lied as to when it happened.

SmileyClare · 16/05/2023 08:03

surely she has a friend she could discuss it with well quite.

She’s overstepped massively in my view.

Its either a huge misjudgment or she is being deliberately cruel in telling you to belittle your past with him.

If she has issues in her marriage, the mother of her husband’s children is not the person to confide in.

This has potentially soured an amicable relationship between all of you which is essential when you’re co parenting.

BlastedPimples · 16/05/2023 08:27

I don't think she needed to tell you that information. That was a nasty and unnecessary thing to do.

She might be looking at him differently now but that's her issue. Not yours. I doubt she will do anything about but has left you feeling shitty.

I would detach from this friendship and keep it strictly about the kids. I mean I know you could say it's shooting the messenger but there is really zero benefit in your knowing now that your ex is a skank.

SmileyClare · 16/05/2023 08:40

She text me at the weekend and said she had something to tell me

I hate it when people do this. You know -create a load of drama and intrigue over a “secret” but refuse to reveal it and leave you hanging until they see you in person days later.

Its almost as if they enjoy the drama 🫤

Naunet · 16/05/2023 09:38

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 15/05/2023 19:46

She sounds like an absolute cunt.

Literally the only reason for telling you that was to make you feel like shit, and upset the amicable arrangement you all have.

Take a while to process this, it's been a shock, I get that, and distance yourself from her.

Charming. It’s not the guy cheating on his wife who is a cunt, no that’s not even worthy of comment, it’s the woman who dared speak of it 🙄

OP, I get why you’re hurt by it, but try and reframe it, this just proves you made the right choice not to be with the prick.

Nordicrain · 16/05/2023 09:44

I think she was selfish to tell you, and it wasn't for you, it was for herself.

I would be upset too OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread