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Original poster

To be appalled and upset by this

200 replies

bagpuss90 · 15/05/2023 19:43

So I split with my kids dad over 10 years ago . We have an okay relationship now. He remarrried and I get on well with his wife.
Anyway she text me at the weekend and asked if we could meet as she had something to tell me. I was a bit curious. . Anyway we met for a coffee - and she told me that my ex had told her that while we were on our honeymoon he went off for a massage and had a happy ending . He said he got carried away. She said it’s made her look at him in a different light and she thought I should know. I’ve moved on - but for some reason it’s really upset me. I feel like our marriage was a sham . It was our honeymoon ffs . I thought we were having great sex-silly me.I don’t think she’s lying . I really don’t. I don’t know why it’s bothered me so much. I’m happy now.

OP posts:
Naunet · 16/05/2023 09:46

SmileyClare · 16/05/2023 07:21

Of course you’re upset- she’s just invalidated your marriage, and pointed out your honeymoon was a sham.

Motivation?
a) she feels genuinely upset and wants to offload about seeing her dh in a new light. (insensitive to your feelings and self absorbed)

b) She wants to make it clear to you he never cared about you like he cares about her.

Id lose some respect for the friendship over this.

SHE didn’t invalidate anything, that would be her ex husband who got a hand job who invalidated it.

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 16/05/2023 09:46

Naunet · 16/05/2023 09:38

Charming. It’s not the guy cheating on his wife who is a cunt, no that’s not even worthy of comment, it’s the woman who dared speak of it 🙄

OP, I get why you’re hurt by it, but try and reframe it, this just proves you made the right choice not to be with the prick.

Show quote history

It's not really worthy of comment at this point, no.

They are divorced. It's totally irrelevant to the op now. Op can't dump him, or chuck him out, or have a go at him for something that happened when they were together a decade ago.

What is relevant is someone dropping this bomb on the op, when she can't say or do anything about it, it's simply designed to upset her and the coparenting arrangement.

The wife clearly felt the need to tell someone, and chose to tell the person it would hurt the most, but who could do the least with the information. It's selfish, and cunty behaviour.

Naunet · 16/05/2023 09:49

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 16/05/2023 09:46

It's not really worthy of comment at this point, no.

They are divorced. It's totally irrelevant to the op now. Op can't dump him, or chuck him out, or have a go at him for something that happened when they were together a decade ago.

What is relevant is someone dropping this bomb on the op, when she can't say or do anything about it, it's simply designed to upset her and the coparenting arrangement.

The wife clearly felt the need to tell someone, and chose to tell the person it would hurt the most, but who could do the least with the information. It's selfish, and cunty behaviour.

Show quote history

So it’s totally irrelevant and doesn’t matter, but the wife is a cunt to speak of it?! Make up your mind. You have no idea what the woman’s intent was in telling her, why jump to the conclusion that it must be because she’s nasty? Do you assume everyone has the worst intentions, or just women?

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 16/05/2023 10:04

Naunet · 16/05/2023 09:49

So it’s totally irrelevant and doesn’t matter, but the wife is a cunt to speak of it?! Make up your mind. You have no idea what the woman’s intent was in telling her, why jump to the conclusion that it must be because she’s nasty? Do you assume everyone has the worst intentions, or just women?

Show quote history

I would be saying exactly the same if a guy told the op, so don't even bother trying to make on as though I'm some kind of misogynist, that couldn't be further from the truth at all.

It's upsetting information that will make op question everything, she will be hurt by it, but can't say or do anything about it as they are already split up. So what was the point?

If they were still together, that would be different, but they aren't.

Do you really think the wife was being kind telling the op this information? Maybe her intentions weren't bad, but 5 seconds of thought would have made her realise that upsetting someone who has no recourse just because she wanted to get it off her chest is selfish behaviour. It's also pretty selfish towards the dc as well, driving a wedge into an amicable arrangement for no real reason at all will impact them too.

SmileyClare · 16/05/2023 10:16

Come on, why are you tying yourself in knots trying to defend this woman?

I think it’s naive to think her only motivation in telling his ex wife was because “she owed her the truth about him” Why? They’ve been divorced ten years!

Lets assume this woman had good intentions. If that was the case then she’s seriously lacking in sensitivity and tact, and perhaps is too self absorbed to consider the implications of what she’s saying.

All she has achieved is upsetting her friend, and disrupting the amicable Co parenting relationship her dh and op have.

She has also shat all over op’s memory of her honeymoon. What does that achieve?

No one is disputing that it’s appalling behaviour on the man’s part to pay for a wank on your honeymoon. We’re not debating that.

SmileyClare · 16/05/2023 10:33

This woman thought she should know exactly what a twat he is

Why? op doesn’t have an intimate relationship with this man. Any contact is limited to their co parenting.

If your dh confided in you that he cheated on an ex 15 years ago would you rush to tell them?

Would you stand up at a funeral and start airing all the deceased dirty laundry because “everyone needs to know the truth about this person”

No, because it’s not your place. It’s far kinder to leave people unaware when there is nothing good to achieve.

BeachBlondey · 16/05/2023 10:44

I don't think she's an awful woman. She sounds like she's in complete shock. It must be quite traumatising to find out that your DH is capable of cheating on fucking Honeymoon! Of course this will now change her whole perception of who he is, and what he's capable of.

I'd be so upset about this as well Op. You poor thing. To know that you were so happy on your Honeymoon, starting out your new life together and he had betrayed you before you even really began. It's absolutely shocking.

SmileyClare · 16/05/2023 11:27

Awful woman? Maybe.

Shes essentially dug a bit of old shit from op’s marriage and thrust it under her nose.

Yes maybe she’s “traumatised” with what she’s discovered but how does she expect op to react?
Pat her on the shoulder and console her that this man has probably changed in 20 years? Agree that yes he’s a liar who treats all the women in his life badly? Does she just want op to think her marriage was a farce?

She doesn’t sound that traumatised to be fair. It seems like she couldn’t wait to tell op this secret, texting days before meeting hinting about it?

Her pretext was “I thought you should know”
If that was well intentioned I think she’s totally misjudged it, is seriously lacking in sensitivity and tact or doesn’t really care how this might affect her friend.

Newname2323 · 16/05/2023 11:29

Why would she tell you that? If I was her I'd be wanting rid, not worrying about upsetting his ex

SmileyClare · 16/05/2023 11:56

Maybe she was hoping for reassurance?

Hoping op would say Oh Yeah, our whole marriage was a sham, we married far too young..it’s different with you, you’re soul mates he’d never do that to you on your honeymoon blah blah Confused

Or she thinks life is like an episode of Hollyoaks where dark secrets from 20 odd years ago just have to come out for dramatic purposes.

Grumpy67i8 · 16/05/2023 15:29

She's massively overstepped. She could have said she has some concerns and asked you if you had any suspicious, if that was her motivation. To come out with it like that is cruel. I would steer clear of her, block her completely going forward. Her marriage issues are her own now.

He may have made it up, I'd feel compelled to ask him tbh.

Sarahlp101 · 16/05/2023 18:16

sorry to throw this in, but are you sure she's telling the truth? it may be something to.come between you..otherwise what would she gain by yelling you this?

hopeishopeless · 16/05/2023 18:24

YouWonJayne · 15/05/2023 22:14

I can’t say I’m well versed in happy endings 😆 but if it was oral sex or vaginal sex it would have been risking her sexual health

Show quote history

Well, yes, absolutely! But we still don't know if it was a hand job or an accidental ejaculation or whether he was an enthusiastic participant in oral/vaginal sex. Someone was saying he put the OP's health at risk, but he might not have done.

I'd still be laughing if it was my ex husband, though I'm not one for drama.

Mingmoo · 16/05/2023 18:28

I'd be very suspicious that this is even true, tbh, especially if you don't remember him going for a massage when you were on honeymoon - my honeymoon was almost twenty years ago but I remember it well, whereas other holidays have blurred into one! Why someone would make it up - and it could be that he's made it up, or is telling her about something that happened during their marriage but pretending it's his first marriage, or that she's making it up and you'll never know - but I would take it with a massive pinch of salt if I took it at all. Put it out of your mind.

midsomermurderess · 16/05/2023 18:42

That is some high-level shitheadery she is pulling with you. Who would tell you this when you split up more than 10 years ago? It’s all a bit l’esprit de l’escalier, and not that witty, but she deserved to have been called a malevolent cunt. They sound like they deserve one another.

Smiffy58 · 16/05/2023 18:46

Is she actually telling the truth? I know my ex told his current wife a lot of lies about me. And my husband's ex, the only time I've met her, took great delight in telling me how he slept with another women while she was pregnant. I know the woman in question. I know it's a different scenario, but some people like to stir 💩

ididntwanttodoit · 16/05/2023 18:50

She is a shit. you shouldn't think any more about it - he was clearly in hyper-sexy mode due to being on honeymoon, I wouldn't take it as any comment on you whatsoever.

sadsack78 · 16/05/2023 18:52

Maybe in a few months she'll dump him? I wouldn't be surprised. Women don't say that kind of thing about men they're in love with.

And I'm sorry, OP. That is incredibly hurtful and he's a shit. You deserve better, and he's her problem now.

sadsack78 · 16/05/2023 18:53

And telling you after all that time is a shitty thing to do. What could possibly come of it other than making you feel hurt and uncomfortable?

helpfulperson · 16/05/2023 18:56

To be honest I'd be questioning if it's true or she is just shit stirring.

Dibbydoos · 16/05/2023 19:09

Im so sorry this has upset you, of course it was designed to. Why did she think you needed to know? This woman is not a friend, keep your distance.

Have a G&T to celebrate the fact that you offloaded him elsewhere. 😉😁🥳

itsabigtree · 16/05/2023 19:12

I understand, even though you've moved on, its still a part of your life that meant something to you at the time, and you thought the relationship was authentic despite it eventually ending. You've now found out that's not the case. Of course its upsetting, it was a significant relationship. Its ok to feel unsettled by it.

It is very strange she told you, perhaps shes suspicious of him and is looking for you to spill some secrets of your own about him?

Genevie82 · 16/05/2023 19:25

@GoodnightJude1
🤣🤣🤣

… seriously though I agree she’s looking for more stories from you to make her feel secure or further confirm he’s a total loser.. imagine if you’d responded by saying there’s been much worse than him partaking in massage hand shandy when you were both married. She sounds horrible doing that to you .. x

bananaramer · 16/05/2023 19:26

Ewww I'd ask her if she's planning to divorce him now she knows how awful he truly is

Sillyname63 · 16/05/2023 19:42

I don't think she is being nasty in telling you TBH, I think his confession has left her feeling very disappointed and questioning her relationship, she has told the only other person ( you) it affects. Cut her some slack. Ditch your relationship with him as you said the kids are old enough to make their own arrangements. So you don't need to have contact . But I would also distance myself from her , you don't want to have to be the person help with her marriage problems.

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