Maid of Honour – WIBU here?

[Ayla6]

Trying to get an impartial opinion here, as this is starting to affect other family relationships (and I may just be becoming a bridezilla?). NC’d as potentially outing.

I’m marrying my DP next summer (in 2024), and had asked my best friend – who I’d grown up with – to be my MoH. Her mum and mine are also best friends since primary school so we normally all see each other quite often.

My best friend agreed to be my MoH quite early on, knowing that the wedding wouldn't be happening in the UK. She has now told me that she won’t be able to make the wedding due to childcare issues (she has 3 young kids – her partner works full time and she’s a stay at home mum).

Neither her partner or kids were planning to come as the wedding date falls during term-time and her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work (all invited though), so it would have meant her partner having the kids for the few days while my best friend came to the wedding. They knew all of this before she agreed to be my MoH - now it seems he can’t (or won’t) take the kids for those days and she can’t find alternative childcare and isn’t keen on leaving the kids while she travels (or bringing them to the wedding). Cost is definitely not an issue for them, they're just quite particular who takes care of the kids.

Given she had agreed to be my MoH, I was quite upset when she told me, which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand (which is quite hurtful, as I would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

She hasn’t apologized for anything she said, or not being able to make it to the wedding, or for letting me down as MoH. She doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong. As a result, we’re not talking any more. It’s having a knock on effect as her mum has taken her side, and things are tense between her and my mum.

AIBU about not talking to her and how I feel about this?

Yabu. You are just miffed she isn't prioritising you and your wedding and using the "she could have just not accepted MOH from the beginning!" as an excuse to be unreasonably annoyed. It literally makes no difference to you, she has given you plenty of notice. Of course people normally accept and drop out if logistics mean they can't make it. You don't go "omg I'm flattered but let me check flight prices and childcare before I accept!".

And you clearly gave her a hard time, I doubt she came at you with those comments after you graciously accepted her dropping out.

Telling her she's let you down because she realises she can't come isn't fair. That's why things turned south in your conversation and she is right. You've planned a very inconvenient wedding and in doing so made it very difficult / impossible for some to attend. Its your wedding and your choice but to then tell someone you are very let down they can't make it isn't appropriate.

Also, as there isn't anyone else who could be your MoH that she initially said yes before realising a year before the wedding that she can't make the logistics works hasn't actually caused any problem compared to her saying no from the start.

I think you really need to suck it up and reach out explaining you understand why she can't come and shouldn't have tried to make her feel bad about it.

I had this issue a few years ago, asked my childhood friend to be my bridesmaid when I was getting married abroad, she happily agreed after telling me she wouldn't miss it for the world and their family would make that their holiday for the year.

Was overly grateful and said I wouldn't expect them to spend the whole week with us, they could go off and do their own thing ( as to enjoy their own holiday ) and we'd just see them on the wedding day if that's what they wished. Anyway, few weeks down the line when it came to booking, same thing happened, she said they couldn't afford to come and she couldn't come on her own ( SAHM ) as she had no one to look after the children.

I was completely understanding until they jetted off a month later for an abroad holiday!

Invites are not summons by any means but if you've been clear about the plans and they agree but then change their mind I agree it's so upsetting.

Maybe her husband isn't allowing it if it's him who earns the money?

I don't think her husband (if it is him who's objected) is being controlling.

I think he's probably made fair enough points about either how difficult it is to get that time off or the fact he doesn't want to use his annual leave on covering the home routine.

For people who work full time, annual leave is scarce and precious. We spend a lot of time planning how we really want to use it in ways that are important to us. To be basically told; you have to have this time off to run the house for a few days so friend can be married abroad during term time.

I think I'd be saying to my DH 'no I'm sorry that doesn't work for me.' I want to go to xyz with you and the kids instead with that time.

Time is more precious than money.

I agree with most. She has given you plenty of notice and her reasoning is sound...there isn't any term time magical trusted childcare to be had for days at a time. When she said yes she would have meant it. When she looked into the logistics, along with her family dynamic, she realised it wasn't going to work.
It is disappointing for you and you will miss having her there...but honestly, when you have a destination wedding this is the risk you take. It's a big ask and sometimes it's a no. Sorry.

Obviously something has changed. Maybe her husband is being an arse, maybe she is struggling. You have tone to find a new person to fill that slot, just apologise and move on.

Even from your closest friend.

She was probably hoping you wanted her there enough to change your plans. But seeing as you don’t, you can’t really be pissed off at her for giving you a years notice that she’s not coming.

I don’t really understand people who are more bothered about where the wedding is than who can come but seeing as that’s what you’re going with - you’ve got to be more chilled out about people dropping out of coming. She won’t be the last one, there’s ages to go yet.

Presumably she 'jetted off' to somewhere they really would prefer to spend their time and money rather than having their holiday time and money dictated by your choice?

Struth.

People have limited time and money and are able to choose how they use it.

Trying to guilt people into choosing your wedding as their holiday time priority is unbelievably self absorbed.

I have real sympathies with the friend, who I suspect is feeling far more shit than the OP - she wanted to attend the wedding but can't, and so may be lashing out a bit, and a result of all this a friendship is at risk.

I think 99% of destination weddings have a Bridezilla element. I just can't imagine asking my friends to give up a slice of their AL and spend loads of money for what is principally my benefit. The only justification to me would be if there was some real benefit to them in it (for example, my rich uncle had lent his foreign castle FOC so no-one had any accommodation costs).

I have a suggestion - could you split the role of MoH so that friend organises the hen party (please tell me you are being sensible enough to have that in this country) and other stuff, and feels as involved as possible, gets loads of thanks at and souvenirs from the actual do, and then gets all this lot consolidated at the celebration party you presumably will have when you get back? The only thing she can't actually do in person is to provide a warm shoulder to cry on (tears of joy, we hope) but there is Zoom.....

So, OP, YABU. Mend your friendship and have a good cry together! x

MOH aren't usually that involved with the wedding planning...

Even if you do rope her into helping you plan, she can do that without being there on the day. You have other bridesmaids so it's not like you're left without anyone to give you any support

Given that her husband can't have time off work -how was he supposed to look after the kids?

I agree it's a shame that she ever said yes but I also agree that it was unlikely to ever come off tbh.

I did say I felt quite let down (given how heavily involved MoHs are with the wedding planning), and that was when things got quite nasty on her side. She does not feel she has let me down or done anything wrong.

She's completely right.

Is this a reverse? If not, YABU

I was completely understanding until they jetted off a month later for an abroad holiday!

Wow! I can’t believe some people getting married think they should be able to decide where other people have their annual holiday!

YANBU to be disappointed esp give the longevity of friendship
However she is also not unreasonable to decline. It’s a big ask
Her absence impacts upon her dp can,will he get the time off,is it convenient. How much an emotional wrench is it temporarily leaving the 3 kids

I think destination weddings that go on for days are expensive and gruelling for guests. It’s a big ask of folk,esp when you have to ask the other parent to take time off work etc

I was completely understanding until they jetted off a month later for an abroad holiday!

Maybe they wanted to use their own annual leave and their own money to choose where they went on holiday. Maybe behind the scenes they weren't too impressed about having their holiday destination dictated to them.

I agree she's spoken to you in an unpleasant way which is not on and she should be apologising. However you don't know the detailed circumstances behind her saying no - it could be that her husband refused to have the kids and is making her life difficult. It could be that there are worries about the children or one of them that you don't know about. I can imagine me doing something similar to your friend, being really excited and desperate to support you, then cold hard reality hitting and realising I couldn't come. But if it had been me I would have been devastated and apologetic rather than blaming you.

If you value the relationship I'd leave it a couple of weeks until things cool down and then call her, and tell her you're sorry about how things went in your last discussion, you love her and know she loves you and you hope that both of you can recognise your failings. Given she responded defensively to you before I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't come back to you to apologise because she will be feeling guilty and angry about the situation and not want to face it, so if it was me I'd try to be the bigger person.

I was completely understanding until they jetted off a month later for an abroad holiday

Here is another bridezilla CF! Maybe they wanted to go to their holiday destination rather than spending money and time at your wedding destination that they have no choice in

You told her you felt let down?

Christ, no wonder she's hurt. You likely caused a big argument between she and her dh. She probably felt bad and then you hit her with you felt let down.

Dear God.

YABU

Massively so.

One day OP you’ll understand.

Sorry OP but YABU and Bridezilla. Wedding is over a year away from now , and friend agreed to be MoH 'quite early on' , so I'm wondering how long ago was it that you asked her. It seems way too far in advance to expect anyone to be able to commit with any certainty. It was just all too soon, she's realised it's not doable and got defensive when you were miffed about it.

What, when she’s married and then realises her DH is a useless parent? How patronising

I have to say, YABU for allowing this to turn into a drama. What good is it doing - it’s only spoiling things!

In your shoes I’d have been gracious about her declining the role, had a damn good cry about it in private, mentally re-adjust your expectations of the friendship, and carry on.

If I were you now, just apologise for over-reacting, smooth things over, and take the opportunity to develop a closer relationship with one of your other friends.

YOU should have expected it? Well she didnt bloody 'expect' to say no when she said yes, did she? I understand her not going. Totally. But she should have said no or she would think about it. Maybe she got caught up in the excitement...but blaming you for that is shit