Maid of Honour – WIBU here?

[Ayla6]

Trying to get an impartial opinion here, as this is starting to affect other family relationships (and I may just be becoming a bridezilla?). NC’d as potentially outing.

I’m marrying my DP next summer (in 2024), and had asked my best friend – who I’d grown up with – to be my MoH. Her mum and mine are also best friends since primary school so we normally all see each other quite often.

My best friend agreed to be my MoH quite early on, knowing that the wedding wouldn't be happening in the UK. She has now told me that she won’t be able to make the wedding due to childcare issues (she has 3 young kids – her partner works full time and she’s a stay at home mum).

Neither her partner or kids were planning to come as the wedding date falls during term-time and her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work (all invited though), so it would have meant her partner having the kids for the few days while my best friend came to the wedding. They knew all of this before she agreed to be my MoH - now it seems he can’t (or won’t) take the kids for those days and she can’t find alternative childcare and isn’t keen on leaving the kids while she travels (or bringing them to the wedding). Cost is definitely not an issue for them, they're just quite particular who takes care of the kids.

Given she had agreed to be my MoH, I was quite upset when she told me, which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand (which is quite hurtful, as I would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

She hasn’t apologized for anything she said, or not being able to make it to the wedding, or for letting me down as MoH. She doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong. As a result, we’re not talking any more. It’s having a knock on effect as her mum has taken her side, and things are tense between her and my mum.

AIBU about not talking to her and how I feel about this?

I would say if there was one it would probably be about 90% YABU

OP is long gone though and doubt they will be back

I dont get the obsession some women have about a maid of honour.

It's basically just a bestie that instead of being invited to have fun and join in , is tasked with all kinds of tasks and stress.

You dont need a maid of honour. You need friends, family and your husband to be.

Plus anyone that marries a broad just has to face reality that people can ..and will...pull out for all sorts of reasons at all sorts of times. I dont get why people would want to impose on their friends money and annual leave to get married. It's very self absorbed imo

Now its time to get a new maid of honour op. If you still desperately want one. Your wedding is a whole year away still. Hardly time for a crisis

I'm not sure how the MoH is 'heavily involved in the planning' either

OP has said she has other bridesmaids.
I thought MoH was just a word for a bridesmaid who was already married ?
Usually a sister or really close friend who you wanted to include but wasn't a bridesmaid in the traditional expectation.

..but more that she turned it around and blamed me for not being able to come when she knew what coming to the wedding would entail..

Was this AFTER you were 'quite upset' and tried to guilt trip her? I suspect you are underplaying your own reaction here for a more favourable response.

I'm sure she believed she'd be able to come but has since been hit with the harsh reality of having children with an uninvolved partner. Add in the abroad aspect and she's had to make the choice that's best for her family. They're always going to trump a wedding.
Choosing to be married abroad means that you really can't complain when some people can't make it. Even if they say yes when caught up in the excitement and before the reality of logistics hit 🤷‍♀️

She’s given you a years notice. I think you should have stopped at the fact that you were disappointed. She hasn’t actually let you down. Also why is an MOH having to get involved in wedding planning? I’ve been MOH twice and both times my responsibilities were the hens do only as long as listening of course!

Yabu. She probably thought she could do it but practically realized she can't, especially with three children. She has given you plenty of notice. You choose a wedding abroad and therefore alot of people won't be able to come...there be more not able to go as time gets closer eg illness, cost, time off, pregnancy. She cross she missing your wedding. You not talking to her ..grow up!

‘She hasn’t apologized for anything she said, or not being able to make it to the wedding, or for letting me down as MoH. She doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong’

I do think this is poor form. It is common courtesy to apologise. If I had agreed to be maid of honour and then changed my mind, I would feel perfectly reasonable to decline at this stage, but I would accompany it with a heartfelt apology and ask if there is any other way that I could be involved. I would say that I hoped she could find someone else and that I was sorry for letting her down, but that I was still excited for her. It sounds like she did not handle it well.

I do think this is poor form. It is common courtesy to apologise

Don't know that I'd apologise to some Bridezuki telling me I'd let them down and trying to make me feel like shit in circumstances I couldn't help and where I'd given them a year's notice.

Wouldn’t you start the conversation though by saying, ‘listen, I am really sorry but…’? I thought that when you can no longer attend something that you agreed to, that is customary to start with an apology. It’s instinctive for me.

I would say a quick sorry if I had agreed to meet a friend for coffee this weekend and then could no longer do so. I would certainly say it for a wedding. Not grovel or over-explain, but just say sorry.

This.

And then has become defensive when you got angry with her

I don't think YABU to be disappointed, but this is the thing with destination weddings, in term time - people with kids will struggle to go.

YABU you can’t possibly know until you have kids. Leaving them for several days isn’t an option for many of us, unless we absolutely have to.
destination weddings are also selfish imo

OP hasn't said she became angry.

Not sure why people want to paint OP as the monster and the friend as an angel all because OP has the temerity to invite people to her wedding abroad. No one has a gun to their head.

Why is it selfish to have a destination wedding? No one is forced to attend.

OP herself said she was "quite upset".

Why does quite upset = angry?

What do you think it means?

Dishwashersaurous · Yesterday 17:30
She probably really wanted to be part of the day and support you.

However, the wish has collided with reality. A destination wedding in term time is logistically really complicated.

She probably wanted to make it work but just can't”

This. If you told her she had “let you down” I can understand why she became defensive. Quite a lot of people are “fussy” about who they leave their kids with too, you know.

Getting married abroad is an awfully big imposition on guests.
I could imagine a small wedding party of maybe the B&G and two witnesses but anything more than that is just nuts imo.
The expense , the time , the logistics of it all - it's just too big an ask.
But back to the point , she's given you loads of notice, let things settle a bit and hopefully your friendship will recover.

If her children are school age and it's term time, she basically needs someone to do wraparound care until the husband gets home from work and can take over. So not 3 whole days of childcare. If this isn't manageable between the husband and maybe her mum or other trusted person for 3 days, then it's because they've refused to help.
They m thinking the husband might be a bit of an arse in this situation.

OMG, why are everyone suddenly going after OP? Speaking from experience weddings are brilliant until you start involving people. And they wreck friendships no matter what you do, damned if you do damned if you don't, someone is always going to have a problem with it.

When I was getting married I had to change MoH 3 times! First one had a fit because I wouldn't fork out £500 on her dress and instead found a cheaper option she didn't like so ended our friendship. Next one got pregnant and was due a couple months before the wedding.

I think YNBU at all. You gave plenty of notice, first thing ppl do is check calendars, see if it's term time or hols and reply accordingly. I get so fed up with people committing to something ages in advance and then get cold feet nearer the day. She had all information, she is in the wrong, should have just said "term time can't make it due to childcare issues, sorry". And this whole farce would have been avoided and you'd still be friends.

I didn't fall out with any friends when I got married. Nor when I was a bridesmaid. I'm not sure you can categorically state that it is normal for a wedding to wreck friendships.

I'm also failing to understand why giving in excess of a years notice is not sufficient. Yes its literally nearer the day than when the Op booked her wedding but frankly if you need more than 12 months notice you're approaching it wrong.

YABU. She has given you a lot of notice. You should try and make it up with her.
when people want all the trimmings, including MOH, it is very selfish to have a wedding abroad. This saves you a whole load of money and costs everyone else a lot.

Agreed

For what its worth, yes I was upset when my friend decided to go on holiday a month later after telling me they couldn't afford even just her to come.

As a friend, I would have thought she could have told me the truth. THAT as what hurt.

No CF / no bridezilla, and I didn't mention a word of being upset to her. I kept it to myself.

Its not about not coming, we agreed when we decided to get married abroad that we knew we were slimming down our guest list and we were ok with that.

They were invitations, not summons. No-body was forced to spend a week anywhere they didn't want too. Just wanted a bit of honestly.

No-one can say they aren't disappointed if something doesn't go how they were planning it so I don't think the OP is in the wrong to feel how she does. She is allowed to feel upset.

But moh has let her down - regardless of the rights and wrongs of getting married abroad when your guests are here, the moh did say she would go and social niceties dictate that you apologise when backing out of something you previously agreed to do.