Maid of Honour – WIBU here?

[Ayla6]

Trying to get an impartial opinion here, as this is starting to affect other family relationships (and I may just be becoming a bridezilla?). NC’d as potentially outing.

I’m marrying my DP next summer (in 2024), and had asked my best friend – who I’d grown up with – to be my MoH. Her mum and mine are also best friends since primary school so we normally all see each other quite often.

My best friend agreed to be my MoH quite early on, knowing that the wedding wouldn't be happening in the UK. She has now told me that she won’t be able to make the wedding due to childcare issues (she has 3 young kids – her partner works full time and she’s a stay at home mum).

Neither her partner or kids were planning to come as the wedding date falls during term-time and her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work (all invited though), so it would have meant her partner having the kids for the few days while my best friend came to the wedding. They knew all of this before she agreed to be my MoH - now it seems he can’t (or won’t) take the kids for those days and she can’t find alternative childcare and isn’t keen on leaving the kids while she travels (or bringing them to the wedding). Cost is definitely not an issue for them, they're just quite particular who takes care of the kids.

Given she had agreed to be my MoH, I was quite upset when she told me, which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand (which is quite hurtful, as I would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

She hasn’t apologized for anything she said, or not being able to make it to the wedding, or for letting me down as MoH. She doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong. As a result, we’re not talking any more. It’s having a knock on effect as her mum has taken her side, and things are tense between her and my mum.

AIBU about not talking to her and how I feel about this?

But, if the situation had been reversed, I would have been there for her no matter what, so maybe in expecting her to do the same my expectations were unrealistic

What is unrealistic is your assumption that you know what you would do in her position. You are not in her position. When and if you are in her position is the time to make comparisons.

It was a low blow to say you feel let down when it was largely out of her control. I had similar with a friend who sacked me as a bridesmaid because I couldn’t leave my BF newborn for a boozy hen do 300 miles away. I do wonder now she’s had children herself, my friend may now understand better why I couldn’t come. Our friendship has been distant and cordial only since. You need to think how important this friendship is to you OP, because it may not survive if you can’t climb down on this.

When she accepted she must have thought it was possible. Maybe her DH refused to take care of the children and she feels like she's been boxed into a corner.

If you still have any interest, ask her for a chat about if there's any way it can still happen, like maybe her children could also be in the wedding if you wouldn't mind that. Otherwise just accept that she can't do it and pick someone else.

I think YABU. Your saying that you understood was cancelled out once you said you felt let down by her. That's more that showing you were just upset.
While anything she then said you describe as being nasty. My impression was that she was obviously on the defensive at that stage. An away wedding in term time is hard for a parent to attend. She must have wanted to go and be your MOH but it just wasn't feasible. Her reasons are valid even if you think they could have been worked around.
1 years notice is plenty of time.
You were both emotionally and if I were you I would apologise.

Sometimes we agree to things in the heat of the moment and it's not until afterwards when you sit down to look at the logistics that you realise you couldn't have/shouldn't have said yes

Yes you are unrealistic and somewhat entitled to expect her to pay out for all of this. Unless you are her bank manager it's not for you to judge what she can and can't afford. And FYI if I was her husband I'd be a bit 😳 that you just expected him/them to pay just because they can - for the children.

Don't have foreign weddings and don't have them in term time if you want your nearest and dearest there

Regarding your upset with her response, I think you’re being unreasonable. You are not wrong for being disappointed, however, she’s not wrong for her decision.

It’s okay to be disappointed, but expressing that you felt let down was guilt tripping and escalated this. If she is wrong for getting defensive, you are wrong (much more so) for starting and prolonging the fall out. Her comment regarding you not understanding seems accurate and not rude tbh. I also don’t have kids. You don’t seem like you’ve approached this with any sort of attempt to understand or calm down, judging from your comments.

It sounds a bit like because you are disappointed you are just trying to punish her and make her feel bad too. These are not the actions of a best friend. It’s you who needs to apologise I think. It’s doubly selfish because you know it’s affecting your mum as well.

But, if the situation had been reversed, I would have been there for her no matter what

Very, very easy to say when you don't have kids and you have no idea how complicated life can get. You saying that proves you have no understanding at all.

But, if the situation had been reversed, I would have been there for her no matter what

You can't say that because you are not her with 3 young children and not working

This really.

You probably need to climb down and eat a bit of humble pie, OP.

"Sorry about the radio silence. I didn't mean to get all Bridezilla about things - I've had a word with myself! Thanks for being honest about your situation and giving me plenty of notice. See you soon etc."

This, MOH max plans the hen do and turns up to look at dresses.

Sorry but you are verging into bridezilla territory here. MOHs are not “heavily involved” in wedding planning. Planning a wedding is up to you and your partner, it’s your wedding, not hers.

Im wondering exactly what planning you were expecting to do and maybe that placed even more pressure on her?

I think her response was possibly due to the fact you told her you felt “let down”. This is a bit unfair. It’s not like she was having her hair done instead- she has three kids and it was term time. Realistically this was bound to happen and yes, perhaps she shouldn’t have yes right away but as others have said, she was probably excited and genuinely wanted to do it but then the reality of it hit. She gave you a years notice which is plenty of time to arrange a replacement.

This is a ludicrous thing to lose a friend over and if you don’t reach out, years later you will look back on this with massive regret. A wedding is a few hours. Good friendships last decades.

If you're making someone an essential part of your wedding party you should be paying for them to attend, IMO.

Aside from that you told her you understand but then started to berate her for letting you down. MOH doesn't need to be a big part in organising your wedding at all. That's your job.

But she's your best friend. I would never fall out with my best friend because she couldn't leave her 3 kids to attend my wedding I'd chosen to have in an unreasonable location.

You choose to get married abroad, you accept most people won't come.

YABU she’s right that the reason it’s difficult for her to attend is because you prioritised an abroad wedding over your friends and family being there. That’s just the reality of the decision you make with an abroad wedding.

She has still told told you she can’t come in plenty of time. When she said yes to being a MOH she didn’t know her partner wouldn’t get the holiday approved which meant he couldn’t come but it also makes it difficult for him to have the 3 children on his own for several days if he’s supposed to be at work.

YABVU and a bridezilla. She obviously wanted to come, but can't because she can't sort childcare. You are demanding the impossible and being a dick about it. She hasn't let you down. She's given you a years notice!

My MoH dropped out before my wedding. She had an amazing opportunity to go abroad and it a once in a lifetime sort of thing. Yes I felt disappointed, but I didn’t express it to her. My reaction was that’s amazing have a fantastic time, of course you have to go. I didn’t mention about letting me down at all - it didn’t enter my head. I had to pull out of a friend’s wedding due to lack of childcare - the response I got was lovely - we’d have loved to have you there but we completely understand.

I suspect she got upset about you saying you were let down, she was probably already feeling guilty about having to let you down and lashed out. I have no one to help me with my DC and although DH would try if it coincided with a trip away then we’d be stuck, in the same way he’d be stuck if he wanted to go away and it clashed with a big work event! (Our calendars are very carefully worked out!) My parents aren’t alive and we can’t leave the DC with my in-laws for longer than a few hours for many reasons.

Is it really worth ending a long term friendship over? I personally would extend the olive branch.

It's easy to say yes when caught up in the excitement of a wedding and being asked to be MoH. But the logistics suck a bit and once they hit, it might have been a bit overwhelming for her.

A term time wedding abroad is not friendly for parents. It's a shame you're not talking. The mother's should keep out of it and let you both sort it out amongst yourselves though.

There is no expectation from my side for her to spend her money or leave her kids with someone she doesn't want to for the wedding.

I don't understand the above? Presumably it's actually going to cost her a lot of money to come to the wedding?

And although she has help with childcare does she actually have someone she could leave them with for multiple nights if for whatever reason her DH cannot take leave to look after the kids? Having a babysitter you can call on once a month for a night out is not the same as having someone who can help with 3 children for multiple consecutive days in term time. Whoever looks after them will have to take annual leave.

You nailed it in your first sentence. You are being a complete and utter Bridezilla.

Ring her or text her and apologise.

Tbh asking someone who has 3 young kids to be a MoH at a destination wedding abroad was always going to be risky. It’s lucky she canceled on you this much in advance, it could have been a last minute cancellation if one of her kids got sick etc.

I had to recently tell my friend I won’t be able to come to her wedding abroad (I’m the bridesmaid and DD was supposed to be a flower girl) as I’m pregnant with some health issues. She could have gotten upset that I should have waited with pregnancy til after wedding, but instead she was very understanding and told me if we can last minute make it she would squeeze us in. I was extremely apologetic and really tried my best to make it but ultimately won’t risk it with those health issues. We’re both good and I will make an effort to see her after the wedding and to send a gift etc.

Communication is key. If she was nasty in a “I didn’t want to go anyway” kind of way that’s obviously not very nice and YANBU. If you’re upset with her purely because she canceled (with a year’s notice!) then YABU because she does have valid reasons. This really doesn’t have to be an end of friendship though.

She shouldn't have agreed, with 3 small children she should have politely declined. I have 3 young children and even just making it to uk weddings with or without our children is a pain, it's a pain taking them, but it's also a pain sorting out leaving them.

I think if you have a destination wedding you sacrifice people attending for the destination, hopefully the weather and nice backdrop make up for the people missing. She's given you 12 months notice, not 12 days so I can't see the issue, just get someone else to be maid of honour, you don't do anything in the actual wedding anyway so it won't make much difference.

By which I meant that lots of people can probably get a babysitter for 1 child for the odd night out for a few hours.

It's a whole different thing needing someone to look after 3 children, for several days, in term time. Especially if they're at different schools/nurseries.

Based on what you’ve said OP about her dh’s work and their household set up, I’m wondering if she doesn’t have as much control over her finances as you assumed. If she isn’t working, then she would need to spend money her Dh has earned on travel and childcare (since presumably he seems unwilling to parent his own children for a few days). It could be he has vetoed this as soon as it was raised or perhaps threatened to cut off spending on other urgent things she needs money for before then and this has caused her to panic and back out to ease the tension at home. Maybe her defensiveness about it all is showing in the way she approached the conversation because she’s stuck in a difficult position between the two of you.

I think it’s easy to assume we know our friends’ relationships and what their home life is like, but MN is a testament to how much control and financial abuse happens even in ‘happy’ relationships.

YABU, sorry but her kids care trumps your wedding. I’m picky too about who looks after my kids, you can’t expect her husband to just drop everything for it either - jobs/work are more important than your wedding too!
Also, having a destination wedding is inconvenient if you have a family.
My oldest friend had a child free destination wedding when my baby was only 6 months old and expected me to leave her at home with some random (no family near to me). Unfortunately people who don’t have kids probably don’t understand, some do, but most won’t get it.

Tbh I can see both sides to this. It sounds like she has genuinely wanted to be there and fulfil the moh role but as time has gone on she's maybe felt more and more anxious about leaving her children to go abroad which is understandable. Either that or she's checked flight prices and hasn't felt able to come up with the money and doesn't want to say it.

It's fair enough you'd be disappointed and that you'd communicate that to her, but from her perspective, she's given you a years notice to find a replacement and I'm assuming she's fulfilled any jobs asked of her as moh to date. So in that sense I wouldn't say she's overly let you down. Some people would only be asking their bridal party at this stage so you still have a good bit of time for finding a replacement. I'd be more cynical if she'd left you hanging a month or two before.

I do think that when you have a wedding abroad there is a sacrifice you make in terms of guests as some won't be able to make it from the get go and some maybe
will need to drop out if circumstances change. So in that sense I understand what she's saying and you've maybe reacted a little sensitively to that bit because it is just fact rather than a criticism of your choice.

If she's a really really good friend then tbh I don't think this is worth falling out over and ending a friendship and if it were me I'd message her and meet up and just explain you were really disappointed as you really wanted her there and in an ideal world she'd have told you from the get go so you didn't get your hopes up that she could make it but you understand why she can't. Then see what she says and how you feel from there. Maybe there's a way for her to still be involved from here without needing to actually go to the wedding if you both still want her involved?

YANBU to be disappointed she can't come.

SINBU to say she can't come.

I don't really understand why you have both fallen out so badly about it though, if you have been such close friends for so long it seems odd you couldn't have managed this between you like adults.

Not much help I know but it seems odd.