Maid of Honour – WIBU here?

[Ayla6]

Trying to get an impartial opinion here, as this is starting to affect other family relationships (and I may just be becoming a bridezilla?). NC’d as potentially outing.

I’m marrying my DP next summer (in 2024), and had asked my best friend – who I’d grown up with – to be my MoH. Her mum and mine are also best friends since primary school so we normally all see each other quite often.

My best friend agreed to be my MoH quite early on, knowing that the wedding wouldn't be happening in the UK. She has now told me that she won’t be able to make the wedding due to childcare issues (she has 3 young kids – her partner works full time and she’s a stay at home mum).

Neither her partner or kids were planning to come as the wedding date falls during term-time and her partner wasn’t able to get the time off work (all invited though), so it would have meant her partner having the kids for the few days while my best friend came to the wedding. They knew all of this before she agreed to be my MoH - now it seems he can’t (or won’t) take the kids for those days and she can’t find alternative childcare and isn’t keen on leaving the kids while she travels (or bringing them to the wedding). Cost is definitely not an issue for them, they're just quite particular who takes care of the kids.

Given she had agreed to be my MoH, I was quite upset when she told me, which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand (which is quite hurtful, as I would have understood if she'd just said she can't come and not agreed to be MoH from the beginning).

She hasn’t apologized for anything she said, or not being able to make it to the wedding, or for letting me down as MoH. She doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong. As a result, we’re not talking any more. It’s having a knock on effect as her mum has taken her side, and things are tense between her and my mum.

AIBU about not talking to her and how I feel about this?

WHEN did she agree, you are getting married over a year away 😳

Also you should be able to tell a friend how you feel without them then having a go at you.

When you say “given she had agreed to be my MOH I was quite upset when she told me…” what did you say to her before she “essentially said it was all my fault..”??

I can understand you being sorry she can’t be your MOH but you ought to be able to understand that going to a wedding abroad, in term time, is a huge ask for a parent. It’s a big ask for anyone. And it’s not like she’s let you down at the last minute, you’ve more than a year to your wedding. So I’m erring to the YABU side. As for her not having apologised etc, well have you apologised for being upset at her? And yes she had initially said yes, I’m sure she meant it, but then the reality of what it meant, and the pressure of leaving her husband to do everything has sunk in..

Are you trying to suggest the friend’s husband is a useless parent based on absolutely nothing?

I’m placing the blame with him because otherwise why would the friend have said she could attend in the first place?

There really aren’t that many jobs where three days off with a years notice aren’t possible.

Based on…

Without giving too many details, her husband earns a lot (think law firm partner, owns multiple properties, etc) which allows her to be a SAHM. He is not overly involved with the kids, which is probably a factor here

You sound like a bridezilla op she's given you plenty of notice. I suspect her dh doesn't want to use his precious annual leave off work to care for the dc because you have chosen a wedding abroad and expect guests to fund a trip and use annual leave.

Abroad weddings are such a PITA. I wouldn't want to get married anywhere my best friend couldn't attend.

OP why didn’t you plan a weekend wedding?

Still absolutely nothing to assume he's a useless parent.

Sounds like he works hard, has a lot of responsibilities etc. Not being 'overly involved with the kids' is likely to be a symptom of how they live their lives: one parent a SAHP. It doesn't equate to being 'useless.'

My best friend works similarly hard - she's abroad more than she's in the country, works flat out on projects for weeks etc. She's not 'overly involved with the children' because her DH is. It doesn't make her a useless mother.

I was completely understanding until they jetted off a month later for an abroad holiday

Good grief. Yes, how DARE she choose where she and her family would like to go on holiday, she should have spent her entire holiday budget and annual leave allowance on your wedding where you so graciously allowed her and her family a few days in a place she didnt choose to go off and do their own thing.

The entitlement here is off the scale.

Sounds like she said yes as an emotional response and then the practicalities kicked in including her husband refusing to book annual leave to have the kids. She can't really make him.

She's given yo u enough notice to replace her, it's hardly a last minute cancellation.

So yeah, I think you've started the issues by your response to her, and she's responded defensively and it's escalated.

So yeah, I think it's on you to start sorting it.

Unfortunately this is the kind of thing you have to expect when doing a wedding abroad because it does increase the difficulty level. It can be hard enough for people with kids to arrange one night for a U.K. wedding.

I can understand why you are feeling upset as preparing for wedding can be a stressful time and expectations can be high (as many women imagine their wedding from childhood) and not every expectation can necessarily be met but that doesn’t mean your wedding will be a disaster.

If you plan to have kids after marriage you may come to see this from a slightly different perspective.

Either way it seems that if she is your closest friend since childhood and you value her friendship then their can be some straightforward compromises here!

If she is a great friend, and the main purpose of the MOH and BMs are to organise as well as support then there must be many things she can help you with from here in the U.K. to prepare for your trip/wedding/honeymoon.

You said you wanted her to spend three nights away which is quite a long time to arrange childcare if her husband is unfortunately unsupportive. (he doesn’t sound like a peach) She only really needs to be there for the wedding so could you reduce your expectations to her being abroad for one night or two?

You say your mums are best friends. If that’s the case wouldn’t it make more sense for her mum to stay behind and look after the kids? I’ve never heard of parents having friends at weddings before unless this friend is seen as more of an unofficial aunt. Still, if it has the potential to drastically affect everyone’s relationships maybe the four of you could all meet for lunch, call a truce and work out a sensible way to make this happen in a realistic way without having a drama. Hope it works out.

Maybe she thought and hoped she could do it, maybe she got caught up in the moment, but on further thought, or with more information maybe(?), or maybe the hubby has changed his stance on it, she's decided it's just not workable after all.

I was quite upset when she told me, which led to her essentially saying it’s my fault that she can’t come – that I should have expected this as I had chosen to have the wedding abroad, that I have no right to question her decision, and that because I don’t have kids, I couldn’t possibly understand.

I would imagine she already felt bad about letting you down and instead of seeing her side or offering the slightest bit of understanding, the first thing you've done is got upset and started questioning her because all you seem bothered about is how this effects you. You shouldn't have questioned her decision, she's a grown woman, and she doesn't have to lay out a full justification of why she's changed her position about something, when the wedding is still a year away, I'd say you owe her an apology for your immense over-reaction.

You are 100% a spoilt brat if you let this ruin a 20 year friendship.

With a full year’s notice being unable or unwilling to look after your own kids for three days wins you no parenting points imo.

I think it goes without saying that the parent working full time cannot ever be anywhere near as involved as the other when they are a SAHP.

Yabu, and yes I’d say it sounds a bit bridezilla like on your part.

I agree with pps who said she probably agreed in excitement, but then has realised that reality doesn’t match up.

1. You cannot expect a parent of three children to put your wedding above her own plans and life choices. If this means not being willing or able to leave the children with anyone then you have no right to an opinion on that.
2. She may also feel that for what it’s going to cost, she would rather use that money for some quality time and memory making with her own family. Again, you cannot judge that.
3. You have booked the wedding abroad and asked a mum of three children to be MoH. That was always going to be a big ask and not something you could expect. You don’t know how you’d feel in her situation as you don’t have children.
4. You considering not speaking to her is very petty and childish, given that she’s told you over a year before, and before she’d booked any travel. Not everyone’s life will be revolving around your wedding for the next year.

I got married abroad and a few people who I would have loved to be there couldn’t be. I would never have been off with them about it, and yes this does include someone I would have had as bridesmaid. Everyone is in a different place in their life, and it’s YOUR choice to marry abroad, not theirs.

I think she’s right to feel that she’s done nothing wrong tbh. Once the wedding is done and dusted you might really regret this if you don’t smooth things over.

It is impossible to say that if the situation had been reversed that you would have done the same.. it is impossible to really put yourself in someone else's shoes.. you don't know what goes on in her head, what conversations happen at home, how being a SAHM to a highly paid husband might have diminished her voice or her ability to truly make decisions based on what she wants to do. You will never be in the same position as she is... and she will never be in the same position that you are.

You told her you were hurt by her decision and she told you that you couldn't possibly understand.. you have shown that you do not understand. Maybe she can't really explain either, what it means to say.. no... I cannot put your needs and my wants above the needs of my children and the way in which my marriage and my life works.. and if I start to explain.. you just won't understand... because most days, I can't even understand myself.

I agree with this. I doubt she went straight into blame mode.

On the whole, yes its disappointing but it's one day out of your long long friendship. I would throw an olive branch, she probably accepted all excited for you and for the wedding then reality packed a punch when she started to work through the logistics of it.

Then she probably had the dread of knowing she had to tell you, which then coupled with your frustrated reaction resulted in this situation.

But life is too short for such bullshit. My advice would be to let it goooo

If he is in law, and you're about a year out, there is a chance her DH has had a hearing booked in and he will have little say in dates. Weddings involving more than 1 night away are asking a lot of their guests, and when kids are involved, it is asking the impossible in many cases.

You are being a bridezilla OP. I remember how all consuming wedding planning becomes, but you do have to bear in mind that no-one else cares even a fraction that you do. They have their own life priorities and rightly so. MoH are, in my experience, just there to help carry your make up, set up a bit on the day, keep you calm and help shoehorn you into a damn difficult dress. Your planning is for you and your groom - it is your joint party!

Op your both nbu. I had something kind of similar happen with a very close friend- my husband had a huge meeting come up. It was going to be the afternoon of my friend’s wedding and mil, sil and bil (who did all our babysitting) were in another country so I said I could make the wedding and then come back in the evening but that meant I probably couldn’t be bridesmaid. She freaked out. I understood why and was gutted I couldn’t do more but at the same time got a bit irritated by her suggestions (drop them to my mum who definitely couldn’t manage them/have dh bring them into work/just find anyone at the crèche etc). She rang a week later and said it wasn’t a big deal and her future sister in law would stand in for me and I didn’t have to go to any of it but left it open. I did what I said- drove an hour to get to church and afters but our friendship fizzled out. She has 3 kids now and every so often I think of her and wonder if she gets it now but even now we’ve different lives, she’s got three young girls, I’ve four older boys. I feel for both of you

OP, you're being a total bridezilla! I would apologise and try to salvage the friendship.

I think, sadly, this is the problem, regardless of income.

It's a shame there isn't a poll to see. I cba to count through 11 pages of posts.

I'd also like to see a report of the conversation from the friend's pov.

"Letting you down as MoH". Give me strength. Was she going to ritually wash your feet? Braid your tresses with wild flowers? Hold a jewelled sword of state next to the alter for the duration of the ceremony? Is it going to take until 2024 to train up another acolyte for those tasks?
She is a friend, a guest, and you're treating her like she's an errant member of an entourage. She's probably pretty sad that her oldest friend has been so thoughtless as to arrange a wedding overseas during term time, when it should have been totally obvious that this would be difficult for a sahm like her to attend.