Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding help!

576 replies

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 01:31

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

OP posts:
CoronationKicking · 15/05/2023 01:45

What? Just go or don't. It's fine either way

NumberTheory · 15/05/2023 01:50

YANBU but I don’t think you can have a resolution to this that doesn’t leave someone feeling very put out. If DB/SiL won’t compromise you need to ask yourself if you’re prepared to sacrifice your kids’ happiness for the day to help fulfill DB/SiL’s idea of the perfect wedding. I wouldn’t be going, but I find child-free weddings to be at odds with the whole idea of celebrating a marriage and am not keen on attending them at all when I know, let alone if it is logistically ridiculous and potentially upsetting for my kids. You don’t seem to have the same opinion so you might be okay with, say, your DH not attending while a baby sitter watches your baby at parents’ house and you nip in to breastfeed.

Guavafish1 · 15/05/2023 02:01

I think it's a good solution... bring your children with a babysitter, you and your husband can dip in and out of the wedding.

Or you can just attend the marriage ceremony only whilst your husband looks after the kids.

If they are still not happy the arrangements...then I see no alternative but not to attend.

Doggydarling · 15/05/2023 02:01

First you shouldn't have asked for your toddler to attend the wedding for any period of time when you know its a child free event, asking this has rightly put the bride and groom on alert for the fact that if your dc are being looked after on the premises there's a fair chance that sooner or later they'll end up at the wedding. You will have to explain that you cannot attend if you are breastfeeding exclusively unless the baby is nearby but be prepared for missing the wedding, if not breastfeeding is there someone you trust to babysit in your home while you're away? I babysat for my db and sil when their baby was five months so they could go to a wedding overnight but they know (are warned) that I'm happy to do so even with short notice, I'm a few hours away but love their kids like they were my own, if you don't yet have a trusted mature babysitter I'd recommend looking for one or maybe chatting to friends about helping each other out in emergencies because you never know when you'd need someone to step in.

negomi90 · 15/05/2023 02:22

The issue is that DB and SIL are having it at grandparents house, it means lines are blurred in a way that an outside venue isn't. If OP is travelling from far away and staying at her parents (a reasonable thing to do if parents agree) then the kids are going to be there. Its reasonable to have a babysitter come to where the kids are comfortable. Lines are blurred because DB and SIL want kids banned from a place they can reasonably expect to be (grandparents). If it were a venue or a hotel it wouldn't be as much of an issue with a babysitter in another part of the hotel. Or kids staying with a babysitter at nearby grandparents.
Lines have been blurred.

EllandRd · 15/05/2023 02:26

Respect your brothers wishes, it's his wedding, he should not have to worry about childcare's issues when it's been made very clear it's a child free wedding.

Pemba · 15/05/2023 02:27

Miserable buggers! I agree with @NumberTheory that child free weddings are not in the right spirit. It will be so complicated for you to attend, in your place I just wouldn't go.

Your children are and should be very close and important family members. No doubt your B and SIL will feel completely different about it if and when they have kids themselves.

SunshineAndFizz · 15/05/2023 02:29

If the kids aren't invited, and aren't allowed in the house with a sitter, and your usual babysitters will be at the wedding (the grandparents), and you'll be breast feeding so have to be near them...then I'm afraid you have no options left. You can't go.

PerryMenno · 15/05/2023 02:33

You've come up with 2 compromises, plus there's the third option of not going. Put those 3 options to the couple and ask them to choose which one they hate the least.

snitzelvoncrumb · 15/05/2023 03:01

I would see if the toddler can be babysat elsewhere, and the baby cared for at the grandparents. I wouldn’t ask Db if it’s ok I would ask the grandparents. If you can leave the baby there then that will work, but if not I wouldn’t go.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 15/05/2023 03:06

While it sounds like a solution to have the children stay in the house with a babysitter, in reality you know that someone (probably the grandparents) will bring the toddler out for "just for a minute" and that is not what your brother and SIL want.

No matter how you personally feel about childfree weddings, if you accept the invitation then that's what you're agreeing to - attending without kids in tow.

Could your husband stay home with the kids while you attend just the ceremony? If you really can't work anything out then just tell your brother and SIL the truth - you're breastfeeding and can't leave the baby alone for any length of time so unfortunately can not attend.

I wouldn't keep pushing this idea of the children staying in the house. The couple obviously doesn't like the sound of this (and I can understand why) and really, your childcare issues aren't their problem on their wedding day.

OctaviaPole · 15/05/2023 03:23

With regards the breastfed baby ask the couple for their solution. If they have no children they may not realise you can't just give them a bottle. That you are the only one who can feed the baby. So if you are travelling to attend then you can't leave the baby at home with their father.

At the same time point out that a babysitter for a toddler has to be someone you trust and if the child isn't really used to regularly being babysat you can't just get a babysitter for 24-36 hours without causing your child distress. Again some people before they have kids don't get that. Ask them for their solution.

Your best bet might be to travel to your parents the night before, have DH stay home at your parents house with kids for the actual wedding ceremony and then all of you leave.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 15/05/2023 03:34

Well, you’ve exhausted all options. I just wouldn’t bother going.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2023 03:43

They’ll get what an arse they’ve been once they have children, hopefully. I think the suggestion to go to your parents the night before then you just attend the ceremony is a good compromise. The only other thing I don’t think you haven’t suggested is you going alone with a babe in arms. Your baby is breastfed and you come as a package. I’m sure they wouldn’t hold a wedding with no food so why would they expect their niece or nephew to starve whilst you attend? And a baby needs feeding a lot more often than adults. I don’t imagine for one minute they’ll say yes. However, it makes you more reasonable to try to find a solution. Maybe send an email to your brother explaining as best you can what it is like for kids and that they aren’t just like dogs or cats in accepting who will care for them and meeting their basic needs. At the end of the day if they want you there, they will have to accommodate needs of defenceless tiny children.

Ragwort · 15/05/2023 04:28

Just don't go, you are totally in a no-win situation due to the fact you are breast feeding, the distance involved and the added complication of the venue being your own DP's home ... don't be pissy about, send a very nice 'regret we are unable to attend' message without going into the details of every possible scenario.

custardbear · 15/05/2023 05:29

Can the children stay with your in laws or family on your DH side?

WaitingfortheTardis · 15/05/2023 05:55

They sound rather rude, I don't think they can or should dictate who stays in your parents house. If they want to be able to do so they need to pay for an actual venue. Honestly, I'd probably just end up taking the baby to parts of the reception anyway. I find people who ban all children in such a thoughtlessly blanket way rather ridiculous. It's fine not to want older children there (though a really weird idea in this scenario), but babies shouldn't really count.

PainfulAnkles · 15/05/2023 06:01
  1. someone from your husband’s side of family will babysit.
  2. you stay with the kids, at home, and your husband go and celebrate and congradulate the happy couple

See! It’s not that hard op, but it does sound like you just wanted to get your way….🤔

PainfulAnkles · 15/05/2023 06:03

WaitingfortheTardis · 15/05/2023 05:55

They sound rather rude, I don't think they can or should dictate who stays in your parents house. If they want to be able to do so they need to pay for an actual venue. Honestly, I'd probably just end up taking the baby to parts of the reception anyway. I find people who ban all children in such a thoughtlessly blanket way rather ridiculous. It's fine not to want older children there (though a really weird idea in this scenario), but babies shouldn't really count.

This attitude is what’s ridiculous, not to mention rude and selfish.

PurBal · 15/05/2023 06:14

Can you arrange childcare for toddler (the other grandparents perhaps) offsite? And then you have the 5 month old to consider who can stay in the house with a sitter, close enough for feeds. Part of me thinks you should ask them what they’d have you do with a EBF baby but I don’t think they’d get it.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 15/05/2023 06:14

Is there no one from your DH side who could have the toddler for the day?

Then I'd have someone babysit the baby nearby at church and afterwards in you parents house, so you can be available to breastfeed when necessary.

If no one from PIL side to look after toddler then honestly I'd attend the ceremony only while husband looks after kids, then leave.

Hopefully one day your DB will have this issue when he can't take his own kids to a wedding and see how difficult he made things for you.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 15/05/2023 06:17

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 15/05/2023 03:06

While it sounds like a solution to have the children stay in the house with a babysitter, in reality you know that someone (probably the grandparents) will bring the toddler out for "just for a minute" and that is not what your brother and SIL want.

No matter how you personally feel about childfree weddings, if you accept the invitation then that's what you're agreeing to - attending without kids in tow.

Could your husband stay home with the kids while you attend just the ceremony? If you really can't work anything out then just tell your brother and SIL the truth - you're breastfeeding and can't leave the baby alone for any length of time so unfortunately can not attend.

I wouldn't keep pushing this idea of the children staying in the house. The couple obviously doesn't like the sound of this (and I can understand why) and really, your childcare issues aren't their problem on their wedding day.

I agree with this.

It’s inevitable your toddler will appear at the reception and your DB and SIL don’t want this. Toddlers are fab, but they will become the star of the show when your parents / you take them outside. And toddlers are not great at leaving parties before they want to - they’ll kick off and a) be noisy and distressed and b) end up staying. Can they not stay with your DH family? A good friend?

Your baby, understandably, needs to be with you so a sitter inside your parents house makes sense. They are more ‘controllable’ than a toddler.

ZekeZeke · 15/05/2023 06:19

You attend your brothers wedding alone. Leave children at home with DH and bottles of expressed milk for the baby.

Snugglemonkey · 15/05/2023 06:22

I would not be attending. Your family is not welcome,so you do not need to feel bad about saying no. They have chosen a child free wedding, that means people with children may well decline.

Mummy08m · 15/05/2023 06:25

Just don't go.

They'll realise how silly and inconsiderate they've been when they have kids. I'd be petty and remind them!

But really as they're using their parents' house as venue, they shouldn't exclude close family (their nephew/niece and effectively sister - you are being excluded if you cant feed your baby there) like they are doing. It's just not on, if I were the parents I'd say 'go use a hotel if you're going to try and exclude close family from our house'

Swipe left for the next trending thread