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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding help!

576 replies

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 01:31

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

OP posts:
KatieKat88 · 15/05/2023 06:26

I'd give them the choice - would they rather you didn't attend, or have you there and accept that you/DH need to dip in and out to see the kids.

At the end of the day I'd always prioritise my children's needs - I'd try to be respectful of others' wishes but they aren't my priority. I'd really think less of my brother if he didn't want his nieces/nephews to be included at all - fair enough no non-family children, even asking for them to be elsewhere for key 'quiet' moments like the ceremony/speeches, but they're his family too!

okayah · 15/05/2023 06:30

Are your parents parents able to have the children?

okayah · 15/05/2023 06:31

okayah · 15/05/2023 06:30

Are your parents parents able to have the children?

Damn, that should have said Partners parents

FernGully43 · 15/05/2023 06:34

Child free weddings are ridiculous but it's their choice. You shouldn't have asked about the toddler. Honestly, op, I have a toddler and a 4 month old and I'd just not go. It doesn't work for you. Brother or not.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 15/05/2023 06:37

I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all

Where else do they suggest for you to leave a breastfed 5 month old then. Idiots.

But you shouldn't have asked if your toddler could join the wedding for a few hours.

Is there any way anyone from DH's family could babysit the toddler somewhere else, while you have the baby at your parents' house with a babysitter?

If that isn't an option (or if your brother still gets pissy about the baby being on site) I just wouldn't go. If the baby can't be on site, and you can't leave the baby, then you can't be on site either.

I've no issue with childfree weddings (although I think excluding non-mobile babies is unnecessary). But if you have one, you have to accept that there may be people who cannot attend because of it.

Cc1998 · 15/05/2023 06:37

FernGully43 · 15/05/2023 06:34

Child free weddings are ridiculous but it's their choice. You shouldn't have asked about the toddler. Honestly, op, I have a toddler and a 4 month old and I'd just not go. It doesn't work for you. Brother or not.

This.

If my children aren't being accommodated, I'm not messing around with all this babysitter, leaving coming back nonsense.

"It's my brother" but he's not thinking "this is my sister" and accommodating you and your family.

Quveas · 15/05/2023 06:37

I think the problem you have is that the minute that they agree to an exception for you, someone else will have pressing reasons for an exception, then someone else.... It isn't about one baby and one toddler, it's about the other 30 or so!

And I don't agree with those who say it's unreasonable to have child free weddings. Quite apart from the fact that it's their choice, a wedding is quite a formal event with a bride and groom centre stage for the day. Children don't do well at such things. They get over excited, can't respect the process, then get over tired, whiney, etc etc, and all that detracts from the couple. This isn't a family party - it's a special day for one couple.

I would either leave the children at home with your husband and attend on your own - your baby will be fine with expressed milk for a few hours; or if the journey is too far, leave hubby in a nice local hotel whilst you attend. If necessary you could pop out for an hour during the reception. I'd only not go at all if I couldn't find any possible way of making it work.

pecantoucan · 15/05/2023 06:39

Ask them what they suggest you do

HungryandIknowit · 15/05/2023 06:40

You could go with the baby and have a sitter in the house for her. Pop in and out to breastfeed. Husband stays at home with toddler. Or stay for ceremony only then go home. Or don't go. I think some people may not realise 1. That baby may not take a bottle, or 2. How uncomfortable you'll be if you leave expressed milk and don't feed baby all day.

LuvSmallDogs · 15/05/2023 06:41

I wouldn't go.

All these suggestions to twist yourself like a pretzel, sending one kid here, running back and forth from a sitter to BF as the baby isn't allowed in their GP's garden?

Fuck that.

Dbro and Dsil want to make their wedding un-family friendly, well guess what, fewer family members show. I'm sure they won't get any raised eyebrows when asked as to where you are on the day or in photos and they respond "Well we didn't want any children at the wedding, no exceptions, so Dsis stayed home to breastfeed".🤣

Whichnumbers · 15/05/2023 06:44

It’s one day

the wedding might be 12 hours but you don’t have to be guests for 12 hrs

go to the ceremony and wedding breakfast but the rest of the day may be patchy

as your toddler is so young I’m sure the party will not be something they understand. If the babysitter can take them to the park or maybe a soft play nearby

if your brother is inflexible then you’ll miss bits of the wedding, that’s just how it is

HappiDaze · 15/05/2023 06:45

Just tell them you can't go and leave it at that

Awoooga · 15/05/2023 06:48

I guess they haven’t suggested any magic solution to you? I simply wouldn’t go. My baby won’t take a bottle and IMO it’s incredibly unfair to say to the toddler that they’re not allowed in their own grandparents garden while their family have a party they’ll be able to see and hear. Don’t bend over backwards to make it work for them when they couldn’t give a shit if it works for you. It sounds like not having kids there is more important than having you there.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 06:48

Why is everyone saying she can’t leave the baby because she is breastfeeding.

The baby will be 5 months old at the point of the wedding and will only need fed every 3-4 hours, so a max of 4 feeds over the 12hr period that she will be away….

I attended a girls trip when my baby was 6 months old and was away 3 days. We started preparing when baby was 3-4 months, expressing milk, freezing and defrosting/giving in a bottle (to make sure all would go ok). When I left we had a freezer drawer full and formula as back up (it was never needed).

OP you have time to prepare for this. It’s a 12 hour period. If it were me I would be sourcing family from your DH’s side or trusted friends and having them look after baby for short periods giving expressed milk so they, baby and you can get used to it. A trial run as it were.

It’s really unfair of you to expect the children be babysat in the house where the wedding is taking place - the toddler will run out, somebody will go get the baby etc.

If you can’t express for some reason then you can start to plead with them to be more accommodating…… but your baby is not a newborn at the point of the wedding, will be weaning in fact, so you should at least have a go at expressing/bottle feeding your breast milk (from about 3/4 months when it becomes much more possible with increased time between feeds). I mean you’ll be needing to express on the day anyway unless you want explodo tits.

The medela electric pump is great for frequent expressing and has freezer bags. You can often get it on offer. Would recommend mam bottles for a breastfed baby. Avent manual pump is great for pump and dump on the day - you can throw it in your handbag.

To be honest I would recommend all of that for your own sanity with a 5 month old baby - you need the odd meal out or time to get your hair done by the point they are that age…. Expressing can give you some independence back.

Starhead69 · 15/05/2023 06:51

They are being incredibly selfish. If they are tight enough to scrimp on a wedding venue by having it at your parents house they can’t expect your children not be be at the house. I agree with a PP that lines have been blurred.

they are being very unreasonable.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 06:52

HungryandIknowit · 15/05/2023 06:40

You could go with the baby and have a sitter in the house for her. Pop in and out to breastfeed. Husband stays at home with toddler. Or stay for ceremony only then go home. Or don't go. I think some people may not realise 1. That baby may not take a bottle, or 2. How uncomfortable you'll be if you leave expressed milk and don't feed baby all day.

Uncomfortable is an understatement- she’d probably end up with mastitis! Would need to express at least 3x over the duration, takes about 5-10 mins a boob, totally doable.

Bang on the money that baby might not take a bottle, but is worth a shot (for her own sake never mind the wedding, to have some flexibility).

Starhead69 · 15/05/2023 06:54

Robinni · 15/05/2023 06:48

Why is everyone saying she can’t leave the baby because she is breastfeeding.

The baby will be 5 months old at the point of the wedding and will only need fed every 3-4 hours, so a max of 4 feeds over the 12hr period that she will be away….

I attended a girls trip when my baby was 6 months old and was away 3 days. We started preparing when baby was 3-4 months, expressing milk, freezing and defrosting/giving in a bottle (to make sure all would go ok). When I left we had a freezer drawer full and formula as back up (it was never needed).

OP you have time to prepare for this. It’s a 12 hour period. If it were me I would be sourcing family from your DH’s side or trusted friends and having them look after baby for short periods giving expressed milk so they, baby and you can get used to it. A trial run as it were.

It’s really unfair of you to expect the children be babysat in the house where the wedding is taking place - the toddler will run out, somebody will go get the baby etc.

If you can’t express for some reason then you can start to plead with them to be more accommodating…… but your baby is not a newborn at the point of the wedding, will be weaning in fact, so you should at least have a go at expressing/bottle feeding your breast milk (from about 3/4 months when it becomes much more possible with increased time between feeds). I mean you’ll be needing to express on the day anyway unless you want explodo tits.

The medela electric pump is great for frequent expressing and has freezer bags. You can often get it on offer. Would recommend mam bottles for a breastfed baby. Avent manual pump is great for pump and dump on the day - you can throw it in your handbag.

To be honest I would recommend all of that for your own sanity with a 5 month old baby - you need the odd meal out or time to get your hair done by the point they are that age…. Expressing can give you some independence back.

not all breastfed babies will take a bottle. My daughter at age 6 months wouldn’t. The amount of expressed breast milk I ended up having to dump trying to get get to take it was heartbreaking.

Just because it worked for you doesn’t mean that this experience is universal @Robinni

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/05/2023 06:57

I can’t believe you asked if your toddler could attend a child free wedding because you were worried about them being upset Confused Talk about cheeky.

Quite honestly, you shouldn’t go. They don’t want your kids there and that’s their choice.

JadeSeahorse · 15/05/2023 06:58

Awoooga · 15/05/2023 06:48

I guess they haven’t suggested any magic solution to you? I simply wouldn’t go. My baby won’t take a bottle and IMO it’s incredibly unfair to say to the toddler that they’re not allowed in their own grandparents garden while their family have a party they’ll be able to see and hear. Don’t bend over backwards to make it work for them when they couldn’t give a shit if it works for you. It sounds like not having kids there is more important than having you there.

Definitely this which describes my thoughts exactly.

Inertia · 15/05/2023 06:58

Just don’t go.

People who insist on child-free weddings need to understand that this makes it impossible for some people to attend.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/05/2023 06:59

@Robinni Not everyone can express, or even wants to.

I certainly have never wanted my babies to have a plastic replacement and would never allow them to have a bottle even if was expressed breast milk.

Shoxfordian · 15/05/2023 06:59

They’re not unreasonable for wanting a child free wedding; see what arrangements you can make for a babysitter elsewhere - can anyone else look after your toddler for the day?

Robinni · 15/05/2023 07:03

Starhead69 · 15/05/2023 06:54

not all breastfed babies will take a bottle. My daughter at age 6 months wouldn’t. The amount of expressed breast milk I ended up having to dump trying to get get to take it was heartbreaking.

Just because it worked for you doesn’t mean that this experience is universal @Robinni

Show quote history

@Starhead69

Did you not read my post?

If you can’t express for some reason then you can start to plead with them to be more accommodating…… but your baby is not a newborn at the point of the wedding, will be weaning in fact, so you should at least have a go at expressing/bottle feeding your breast milk

Or the later one?

Bang on the money that baby might not take a bottle, but is worth a shot (for her own sake never mind the wedding, to have some flexibility).

OP is catastrophizing this whole situation, when it could be quite straightforward. Only when it’s clear the baby won’t take a bottle with expressed milk does it need to get to the “baby must be on site” stage.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 15/05/2023 07:05

@Robinni OP has also said she wouldn't personally feel comfortable leaving the baby for that long. So it's not solely about the milk.

And maybe this makes me a bitch, but if I wasn't already planning on expressing and getting my baby onto a bottle etc, I probably wouldn't go through the faff for a wedding. Getting my DDs onto bottles was a pain in the arse (and it doesn't always work for all babies), pumping takes time and I always found it a bit painful, then you've got to find willing family members for the trial runs you mention. If she isn't planning on bottle feeding she'll need to buy bottles, a pump, a steriliser etc, all just to get ready for one day.
It's a big inconvenience when a babysitter could just keep the baby in the house.

And I disagree with you that she needs to be doing this at 5 months "for her sanity" anyway. Nothing wrong with doing it of course, but not required. Mine went onto bottles of expressed milk a few months later, ready for starting nursery.

Lindjam · 15/05/2023 07:06

As you have a breastfed baby, I think it’s too far to go without them, even if you could get alternative childcare from ILS.

So if DB doesn’t want your DC on site, you will have to politely decline.

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