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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding help!

576 replies

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 01:31

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 15/05/2023 07:52

Another vote for toddler going to DH family and baby being in house for breastfeeding if they won't take an expressed bottle.

GeekyThings · 15/05/2023 07:57

Ellie1015 · 15/05/2023 07:49

Yabu. Fine to have babysitter at parents house and go in and out however not ok to ask for toddler to come out at all. As soon as other parents see your child there it could cause tension as they wonder why your child is there.

Is there anyway for toddler to stay with inlaws and baby be in parents house with babysitter?

See, I've never understood this argument - I attended my friend's wedding, and my kids weren't invited; but there were kids there, they were members of his family. It wouldn't have occurred to me to wonder why they were there and my kids weren't, you'd have to be pretty stupid to wonder that, wouldn't you?

Unless there are loads of family kids and none of them are being invited; which would really make me wonder why anyone is bothering to turn up at all, I would find a family wedding at a family venue taking up the entire day with only 50% of the family invited to attend very gauche.

DilemmaDelilah · 15/05/2023 08:02

I'm with @snitzelvoncrumb . In my opinion the best solution would be for the toddler to stay elsewhere with people it knows well, and for you to leave the baby with a sitter in the house. I had a very new baby at my sister's wedding and I was aware that there was a certain amount of attention being given to the baby that should have gone to the bride. It wasn't a child-free wedding, but there weren't very many children there.

Lockdownmummy · 15/05/2023 08:02

I had a 'child free' wedding - with the exception of my nieces! One was BF and there the whole time, others were bridesmaids - there in the day and then sleepover with other GPS later.

I have also been to weddings where my kids weren't invited but there were kids there so I do think there are different rules for close family/bridal party.

Does SIL have lots of nieces/nephews? Then she may feel if yours are there in some way they should all be there too?

WimpoleHat · 15/05/2023 08:06

Inertia · 15/05/2023 06:58

Just don’t go.

People who insist on child-free weddings need to understand that this makes it impossible for some people to attend.

This is it in a nutshell. Just don’t go. It’s at your parents’ house and you have a breastfed baby. There’s no way on earth I’d leave my tiny children with a stranger to accommodate someone else’s preferences. They’re perfectly entitled to their childfree wedding, but then they will have to accept that the groom’s sister (with a toddler and a 5 month old) can’t go. End of.

Of course, what they haven’t thought through is that if you don’t go, they and your DPs will be inundated with family members asking where you are. And where are the children (“I was hoping to see the new baby…..” - you get the gist). But that’s a natural consequence of their actions.

RampantIvy · 15/05/2023 08:10

Respect your brothers wishes, it's his wedding, he should not have to worry about childcare's issues when it's been made very clear it's a child free wedding.

So, how do you expect a breastfeed baby to survive without access its mother for 12 hours @EllandRd?

I think the OP has come up with an excellent compromise. The brother and SIL are being utterly unreasonable here.

If the childcare options are at the house which then allows them to attend and they are told that can't do this then the only other option is to not attend.

You've come up with 2 compromises, plus there's the third option of not going. Put those 3 options to the couple and ask them to choose which one they hate the least.

Good idea Grin

  1. someone from your husband’s side of family will babysit.
  2. you stay with the kids, at home, and your husband go and celebrate and congradulate the happy couple
See! It’s not that hard op, but it does sound like you just wanted to get your way….🤔

It is that hard @PainfulAnkles. It is the OP's brother not the DH's brother.

It's clear that some posters on here have never breastfed. Just leaving a bottle of expressed milk for an exclusively breastfeed baby isn't the solution.

You could go with the baby and have a sitter in the house for her. Pop in and out to breastfeed. Husband stays at home with toddler. Or stay for ceremony only then go home. Or don't go. I think some people may not realise 1. That baby may not take a bottle, or 2. How uncomfortable you'll be if you leave expressed milk and don't feed baby all day.

@HungryandIknowit has the best solution.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/05/2023 08:12

She’d need a steriliser/bottles anyway for when the baby moves onto formula/expressed milk/cows milk at end of maternity.

@Robinni Nope. I went back to work after the full year. My baby never had formula, expressed breast milk or cows milk as a drink.

She happily had water and fed before and after work.

And a bottle, like a dummy, is a plastic replacement. It’s literally replacing the nipple. There’s no getting away from that.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/05/2023 08:13

So, how do you expect a breastfeed baby to survive without access its mother for 12 hours @EllandRd?

@RampantIvy I’m sure she doesn’t. OP just shouldn’t go instead of trying to shoehorn her kids into someone else’s wedding.

diddl · 15/05/2023 08:13

How far away is it?

Is it feasible to go just for ceremony & meal & have toddler & baby looked after in house?

If not has toddler got a friend he could go to & just baby at GPs house?

Realistically is it easier to just not go?

Starlitestarbright · 15/05/2023 08:14

The bride and groom are on shakey ground here for a start it's on your parents property not a private venue and they shouldn't be dictated to who can and can't be in the reception. What have your parents said I think they would best deal with the situation.

jellybe · 15/05/2023 08:20

I would find a babysitter for the toddler - what about their other grandparents?

If then the couple still aren't happy with the baby being in the house with a different baby sitter so you can feed them I wouldn't be going. Make it clear to your brother that it isn't possible to leave your breastfeed baby for more than a couple of hours. If they still don't want baby there then you need to turn down the invite. No drama send them a lovely present and don't mention it again.

FlamingoQueen · 15/05/2023 08:22

Just don’t go! If the happy couple don’t want your children there and due to the distance and child care issues you are unable to sort anything, then sadly you have no other option but to stay at home.
If they choose to have a child free wedding then that is entirely up to them, but there are always going to be people that cannot attend. It is sad, but they have made their choice.

musicalold · 15/05/2023 08:23

You need to be blunt with your brother and tell him you can't go.

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 08:26

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/05/2023 08:13

So, how do you expect a breastfeed baby to survive without access its mother for 12 hours @EllandRd?

@RampantIvy I’m sure she doesn’t. OP just shouldn’t go instead of trying to shoehorn her kids into someone else’s wedding.

If the bride and groom are already indicating that they would be unhappy with the OP or her husband missing a couple of hours of the day to take the toddler out for a bit, how do you think they would react to them missing all of it?

SquarePegInRoundHole · 15/05/2023 08:28

I think the solution is that your toddler is looked after off site (other grandparents?). It would be extremely difficult to keep the toddler happy inside or away from the wedding and the babysitter would really struggle. The baby would be fine and you would have easy access for breastfeeding. If this is not possible or your brother objects then you go to the wedding for as long as you can and your husband declines and looks after the kids.

FairAcre · 15/05/2023 08:28

PainfulAnkles · 15/05/2023 06:01

  1. someone from your husband’s side of family will babysit.
  2. you stay with the kids, at home, and your husband go and celebrate and congradulate the happy couple

See! It’s not that hard op, but it does sound like you just wanted to get your way….🤔

Actually it isn’t that simple. How do you know that she has in laws available and why should she miss the wedding and her brother go. I would do as somebody else suggested and dip in and out of the wedding. Tough if they don’t like it. All this simpering ‘well it’s the bride and groom’s day’ is just selfish.

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 08:30

DilemmaDelilah · 15/05/2023 08:02

I'm with @snitzelvoncrumb . In my opinion the best solution would be for the toddler to stay elsewhere with people it knows well, and for you to leave the baby with a sitter in the house. I had a very new baby at my sister's wedding and I was aware that there was a certain amount of attention being given to the baby that should have gone to the bride. It wasn't a child-free wedding, but there weren't very many children there.

At my wedding there was a three week old baby who was meeting most of his extended family including aunts and uncles for the first time that day. I was beyond delighted that his parents had made the effort to attend, and could not have cared less about people paying attention to the baby rather than me, because I was 32, not 3!

Nanny0gg · 15/05/2023 08:31

musicalold · 15/05/2023 08:23

You need to be blunt with your brother and tell him you can't go.

Yep

They're clearly not that bothered about you going anyway,

Littlewhitecat · 15/05/2023 08:34

I had a child free wedding. My niece's were 18 months and 3 at the time. They were there because they are family. My brother also had a child free wedding, my DD was 11 months and she was there because she is family. None of the non family guests thought this was weird. Your brother is being a dick - tell him either you all come out none of you.

Pluvia · 15/05/2023 08:34

While it sounds like a solution to have the children stay in the house with a babysitter, in reality you know that someone (probably the grandparents) will bring the toddler out for "just for a minute" and that is not what your brother and SIL want.

You have to ask yourself what kind of arseholes people would insist that parents hosting their reception in their garden wouldn't be allowed to bring out a much-loved grandchild for a short while. Which of them is the control freak, OP? Brother or future SIL?

I'd do as a PP suggested. Calmly set down in an email the three or four options you can offer and ask them to choose the one that is least offensive to them.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 08:35

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/05/2023 08:12

She’d need a steriliser/bottles anyway for when the baby moves onto formula/expressed milk/cows milk at end of maternity.

@Robinni Nope. I went back to work after the full year. My baby never had formula, expressed breast milk or cows milk as a drink.

She happily had water and fed before and after work.

And a bottle, like a dummy, is a plastic replacement. It’s literally replacing the nipple. There’s no getting away from that.

Good for you.

I got 9 months maternity, like a lot of people. Some take much less.

You get the gold star breastfeeder 👏👏👏

Shame on you for putting other women down.

WimpoleHat · 15/05/2023 08:36

I had a very new baby at my sister's wedding and I was aware that there was a certain amount of attention being given to the baby that should have gone to the bride.

Does it really work like that? I suppose that I was “the centre of attention” at my own wedding; I’d invited people that I knew and I suppose they’d made the effort to come out of some sort of affection for me. But people weren’t sitting there with their eyes glued to me! All sorts
of other conversations went on. Yes - people will be excited to see a new baby, but they’ll also be excited to see Aunty Mary who’s come from abroad/cousin Louise who’s pregnant/Martin’s new girlfriend. And - as I said upthread - if a close family member and her kids aren’t there, their absence is likely to cause far more comment and “attention” than their presence would have done.

StartupRepair · 15/05/2023 08:38

I had a child free wedding apart from DH's nephew who was 2 and a couple of newish breastfed babies. There were 35 older children who were not invited and one couple who could not come because their 1 year old was unwell. Everyone coped with this.
I do think the toddler is the challenge. They will cry every time they see you and want to follow you back out to the wedding.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/05/2023 08:39

I’d much rather they not attend at all than have them dipping in and out.

florenceandthemutt · 15/05/2023 08:41

Can they not make an exception for close family members? We had a child free wedding to all guests, apart from our own siblings children.