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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brother’s wedding help!

576 replies

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 01:31

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

OP posts:
CheshireCat1 · 17/05/2023 08:11

RampantIvy · 16/05/2023 20:43

Would you be happy to have a complete stranger whom you have never met before look after your toddler and breastfed baby?

I wouldn't.

Show quote history

The sitter isn't a stranger, it’s their babysitter that they would have had looking after the children in the parents house.

burnoutbabe · 17/05/2023 08:32

I think op being there for anything more than the ceremony would just be awkward as hell.

Imagine all those relatives coming over to say hello and asking where husband is or baby or why you have to leave shortly.

I would very much judge a brother not wanting his niece or nephew there to breastfeed, effectively banning his sister from his and her parents house. I'd think so poorly of him (differently than if it was say a wedding in a London fancy restaurant ir museum which was much more clearly adult only)

You not being there/attending briefly will be the talk of many relatives!

MollyRover · 17/05/2023 08:37

@CheshireCat1 what sitter? The OP lives some distance from her parents, why would they magically have a previously used, trusted babysitter away from where they live?

rainbowstardrops · 17/05/2023 08:47

What a shame that your brother doesn't want his niece/nephew there on his wedding day. Each to their own though.
I'd talk to them both and lay down your options - including not going and ask them what they think. They've put you in quite a difficult position to be honest.

CheshireCat1 · 17/05/2023 09:15

MollyRover · 17/05/2023 08:37

@CheshireCat1 what sitter? The OP lives some distance from her parents, why would they magically have a previously used, trusted babysitter away from where they live?

They could take their own previously used babysitter with them.

MargotBamborough · 17/05/2023 09:17

CheshireCat1 · 17/05/2023 09:15

They could take their own previously used babysitter with them.

Show quote history

It's amazing how many of the solutions being proposed here involve not only large amounts of money but hypothetical people magically being available on the date in question and able and willing to take care of a toddler and a baby for 12 hours.

CheshireCat1 · 17/05/2023 09:32

MargotBamborough · 17/05/2023 09:17

It's amazing how many of the solutions being proposed here involve not only large amounts of money but hypothetical people magically being available on the date in question and able and willing to take care of a toddler and a baby for 12 hours.

Show quote history

It isn’t a a hypothetical babysitter it’s the one that the op mentioned in her suggestion of having the babysitter in the house where the wedding is.

mustgetoffmn · 17/05/2023 09:39

SunshineAndFizz · 15/05/2023 02:29

If the kids aren't invited, and aren't allowed in the house with a sitter, and your usual babysitters will be at the wedding (the grandparents), and you'll be breast feeding so have to be near them...then I'm afraid you have no options left. You can't go.

Exactly. And it would be unreasonable of them to be upset by that. Also, as another poster pointed out, if they have children their view will alter. Wedding receptions aren’t a holy sanctuary or an inappropriate place for children to be. Why the rule?

Nothingisblackandwhite · 17/05/2023 09:55

Your mistake was asking them ! What you do it’s up to you , as long as your son doesn’t set foot and you can’t listen to him at the reception it’s up to you if you go in and out of the party . If they get upset tell them it’s either that or you can’t go . Another possible solution would be you renting Airbnb or similar very near if any are available and have the children there

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/05/2023 10:05

Have you actually said to brother sorry I can't attend due to bf baby

What was his reply

If you really wanted to attend wedding /see them get married , could you not all drive local to venue for marriage - feed baby. Go to ceremony alone then meet dh and baby and toddler and drive home /do something together

SnozPoz · 17/05/2023 10:27

If you are close to your brother and SIL I would have the conversation with them in a non hostile way. Ask them what they think the best solution would be as you are struggling to work out what to do. If they don't have children themselves they may not have really understood how difficult it is to leave a young breastfed baby for any length of time. I'm sure they just want you to be there having fun without the restrictions of children, but I'm afraid that's just a bit unrealistic.

Dixiechickonhols · 17/05/2023 10:44

burnoutbabe · 17/05/2023 08:32

I think op being there for anything more than the ceremony would just be awkward as hell.

Imagine all those relatives coming over to say hello and asking where husband is or baby or why you have to leave shortly.

I would very much judge a brother not wanting his niece or nephew there to breastfeed, effectively banning his sister from his and her parents house. I'd think so poorly of him (differently than if it was say a wedding in a London fancy restaurant ir museum which was much more clearly adult only)

You not being there/attending briefly will be the talk of many relatives!

I’d definitely be in the what the wtf camp.
I really don’t understand the turn it into a crèche comments. Op hasn’t asked to bring children to the actual wedding ceremony so no issue with crying through vows etc. Groom isn’t being expected to invite the local toddler group just his niece and nephew. Family children only due to numbers isn’t uncommon, friends with children will realise numbers are limited if party is in his mum’s garden.
They can’t take a sitter as brother doesn’t want the children in their mum’s house.
So cost of sitter plus somewhere near mum’s to mind the children. It’s a huge ask to mind 2 children in a premier inn bedroom etc. Assuming one nearby to enable Op to drive over to feed. The mum may live rurally. At least at grandma’s children would be in comfortable environment and there would have been kitchen, toys, bed for nap etc. But brother said no.

Jeclop · 17/05/2023 11:00

I would you you are being unreasonable for wanting to bring the toddler.
They are being unreasonable for not letting you bring a 5 month old baby.

I have never heard of a wedding not allowing babies under one. The policy is usually babies in arms can come, even at weddings where children aren't allowed.

There is no way I would leave my baby for a wedding and there is no way my siblings would ever dream of asking me to.

Heronwatcher · 17/05/2023 11:07

I think they are being really unreasonable- even child free weddings I’ve been to have had close family members there. Plus they know you have kids, and their parents and one set of grandparents are at the wedding, you can’t just put the kids in a box for the day! They are mini-people! They are entitled to make this rule but then they have to anticipate that people who have kids won’t be able to come.

Honestly for all the stress, logistics and twattery I would just say that you can’t go and that you’ll celebrate with them another time. At best if I were feeling really charitable I would rent a house nearby so that you and your DH can swap for a few hours and have one person at home, one at the wedding. But I am not sure I could be arsed if they’re going to be this difficult.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 17/05/2023 11:58

eurgh your brother is incredibly unreasonable here. Child free weddings are not my fave, though I am going to a friends at the weekend but exceptions are always made for breastfed babies and usually for close family. Coupled with it being at the grandparents house I think your option is call him and say look your baby literally needs you not the starve so you come as a pair does he want you there or not. Just awful groom/bridezilla nonsense.

Isthisreasonable · 17/05/2023 12:43

bitteroulbag · 16/05/2023 19:48

How on earth can an uncle and soon-to-be aunt not want gorgeous wee nieces and/or nephews at their wedding. Ours were the stars of the show! AND this is at their very own DGPs! Your brother needs to wise TF up, spoilt brat.

That's why the B&G don't want children at the wedding. Your dc shouldn't have been the stars of the show

bitteroulbag · 17/05/2023 13:02

I meant it made our day that they were there and we could share it with them. The wedding was perfect 😍

frambly · 17/05/2023 14:45

i agree. the want it child free
just don't go.
when they've got a baby, arrange a child free event that includes all their immediate family. they won't mention their wedding after that!

ScrunchieDolphinBowlbyRainbowMum · 17/05/2023 16:33

Personally I think it’s disgraceful of your brother to exclude his own niece and nephew from his wedding. I was always brought up to believe weddings were a family occasion (the WHOLE family). However I can understand that you don’t want this to cause a permanent rift between you and DB/SIL. I think you need to ask them to meet you half way, it may be their wedding day but you are a mum to two young children and can’t be expected to pretend that isn’t so for the day just to make them happy. DC’s indoors at Granparent’s with babysitter sounds an ideal solution. I think you should tell them it has to be that or you don’t attend and ask which option they prefer.

Pemba · 17/05/2023 17:08

It's the selfishness and self-absorption which annoys me. Like a lot of couples getting married these days. Everybody else has to put themselves out. Can't have children around, it might take away the attention from Bridezilla and Groomzilla. Guests (even close family) are supposed to spend hours driving around, expressing milk, spend a fortune hiring sitters, etc., etc. At the risk of the breast feeding routine being spoiled, babies and small children being distressed etc. It's ridiculous!

Then there are the couples who expect guests to spend a fortune travelling to another country (and using up their annual leave in the process), and the same again for hen and stag dos.

FGS. It's your wedding. Nobody else cares! Well, not that much, anyway.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 17/05/2023 17:52

Pemba · 17/05/2023 17:08

It's the selfishness and self-absorption which annoys me. Like a lot of couples getting married these days. Everybody else has to put themselves out. Can't have children around, it might take away the attention from Bridezilla and Groomzilla. Guests (even close family) are supposed to spend hours driving around, expressing milk, spend a fortune hiring sitters, etc., etc. At the risk of the breast feeding routine being spoiled, babies and small children being distressed etc. It's ridiculous!

Then there are the couples who expect guests to spend a fortune travelling to another country (and using up their annual leave in the process), and the same again for hen and stag dos.

FGS. It's your wedding. Nobody else cares! Well, not that much, anyway.

Haha I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking this ! And I’m planning my wedding soon . I don’t get why brides get away with being so selfish and self absorbed

Confusion101 · 17/05/2023 18:11

Ladykryptonite · 17/05/2023 07:12

Confusion101, so one has to be drunk to dance at a wedding?

Yes absolutely hammered... Sober people can't dance....

No that is not what I was saying.. I was saying at any wedding I have been at there was been a significant number of drunk people dancing which is not an environment I would personally want my toddler to be in but each to their own!

RampantIvy · 17/05/2023 18:13

Pemba · 17/05/2023 17:08

It's the selfishness and self-absorption which annoys me. Like a lot of couples getting married these days. Everybody else has to put themselves out. Can't have children around, it might take away the attention from Bridezilla and Groomzilla. Guests (even close family) are supposed to spend hours driving around, expressing milk, spend a fortune hiring sitters, etc., etc. At the risk of the breast feeding routine being spoiled, babies and small children being distressed etc. It's ridiculous!

Then there are the couples who expect guests to spend a fortune travelling to another country (and using up their annual leave in the process), and the same again for hen and stag dos.

FGS. It's your wedding. Nobody else cares! Well, not that much, anyway.

I agree. I don't know anyone who has behaved like this, and almost wish I could be invited to an unreasonable hen do and wedding with ridiculous requests so that I could push back and say "you're having a laugh aren't you?"

I'm going to a family wedding in a couple of weeks and there has been nothing unreasonable about the planning at all.

TheOrigRights · 17/05/2023 18:14

frambly · 17/05/2023 14:45

i agree. the want it child free
just don't go.
when they've got a baby, arrange a child free event that includes all their immediate family. they won't mention their wedding after that!

When you put it like that it really highlights just how awful the situation is.

RampantIvy · 17/05/2023 18:15

Oh, and the hen do for another wedding I have been invited to (evening do only, but I'm fine with that) is an extremely reasonable afternoon tea at a cost of just £25.