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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding help!

576 replies

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 01:31

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

OP posts:
Velvian · 15/05/2023 07:08

What do your parents think OP?

If you did express, which you would need to do weeks of preparation for, you would need to express several times during the day. I used to get mastitis if I even missed 1 feed.

You would be doing a lot of work for their wedding that would not even register with them and that's before you work out what you will actually do with the DC on the day. I wouldn't bother personally.

CoffeeYes · 15/05/2023 07:08

I find it very odd that they’re having the wedding at your parents’ house/land and are still wanting a child free wedding. It seems family friendly but the child free element isn’t. Your compromise is very reasonable. I think you should let your parents know about your concerns of leaving your extremely young children alone for a long period of time.

If your brother and SIL are still against a literal baby and a toddler attending an immediate family wedding on family property then I wouldn’t attend at all. Tell them you don’t want to leave a literal baby alone.

DappledThings · 15/05/2023 07:08

The baby will be 5 months old at the point of the wedding and will only need fed every 3-4 hours, so a max of 4 feeds over the 12hr period that she will be away….

I attended a girls trip when my baby was 6 months old and was away 3 days. We started preparing when baby was 3-4 months, expressing milk, freezing and defrosting/giving in a bottle (to make sure all would go ok). When I left we had a freezer drawer full and formula as back up (it was never needed).
I did all this so I could go to 6 hours of a hen do when DC1 was 5 months old. It was a massive hassle, involved loads of screaming baby sessions trying to get him to take a bottle, finding time to express and I was massively uncomfortable by the time I did get back to him.

Absolutely couldn't be arsed with the faff of bottles with DC2 so never did. So I couldn't have left her at 5 months for a day and wouldn't have done.

I'd just say you're not going. If they are going to make it this difficult for you they aren't arsed about you being there.

Blueblell · 15/05/2023 07:08

I think it would be normal in this situation for your dc to be staying at your parents with a sitter and you dipping in and out. I think they would be unreasonable to be against this.

Nintendogal · 15/05/2023 07:08

You have very young children who need you, including a breastfed baby.

Your brother is being completely unreasonable expecting you to just leave them.

To be honest in this situation, even if it was my brother, I would just say I can't go if children can't be in the vicinity.

Child-free weddings are a very strange concept anyway in my opinion, but I know that's not everyone's view but I just think it's entitled and impractical to not invite members of your own family to your wedding because of their age.

Ellmau · 15/05/2023 07:09

What do your parents think? As they are providing the venue free of charge, they have some power here.

Although really I think the original plan, babysitter in house, you popping in occasionally, without toddler coming out, would work fine.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/05/2023 07:09

I wouldn’t have asked if my toddler could stay for a few hours-it’s quite clear they want a child free wedding.

I also think that if you want a family unfriendly wedding, lots of families won’t be able to go-especially ones with small children. If you really want to go-go up the night before, leave the kids in your parents house with DH and go alone to the ceremony and then go home afterwards. Otherwise, don’t go at all. They’ll maybe realise if/when they have kids how unreasonable they were being about the bf baby!

Starhead69 · 15/05/2023 07:10

Robinni · 15/05/2023 07:03

@Starhead69

Did you not read my post?

If you can’t express for some reason then you can start to plead with them to be more accommodating…… but your baby is not a newborn at the point of the wedding, will be weaning in fact, so you should at least have a go at expressing/bottle feeding your breast milk

Or the later one?

Bang on the money that baby might not take a bottle, but is worth a shot (for her own sake never mind the wedding, to have some flexibility).

OP is catastrophizing this whole situation, when it could be quite straightforward. Only when it’s clear the baby won’t take a bottle with expressed milk does it need to get to the “baby must be on site” stage.

Show quote history

@Robinni honestly didn’t get that far after you professed that there was no reason she can’t leave a breastfeeding baby.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 07:11

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/05/2023 06:59

@Robinni Not everyone can express, or even wants to.

I certainly have never wanted my babies to have a plastic replacement and would never allow them to have a bottle even if was expressed breast milk.

@SunnySaturdayMorning

Again, do people not read posts properly?

Well aware that people may not be able to express and/or that baby might not take a bottle.

Oh for gods sake it is an afternoon!!

If she is choosing to not bother even trying expressing for a short period of time, then she is choosing to not go to the wedding.

As I say if it isn’t physically possible then she should ask them to be more accommodating, or not go obviously.

CoffeeYes · 15/05/2023 07:12

Ellmau · 15/05/2023 07:09

What do your parents think? As they are providing the venue free of charge, they have some power here.

Although really I think the original plan, babysitter in house, you popping in occasionally, without toddler coming out, would work fine.

Exactly. My parents would probably refuse to host for my brother if he said he didn’t want my children to attend. OP’s children should be an exception to the child free rule considering they’re immediate family and it’s their grandparents’ property.

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 07:13

Get a babysitter who stays inside the house with your kids. Pop in and out to breastfeed.

Yeah it's a bit shit for your toddler to be excluded, but it is what it is.

If they say your kids can't be in the house at all then don't go.

What are you supposed to do, travel 12 hours and leave the kids in the nearest hotel with a babysitter you probably don't even know and keep popping between your parents' house and there to breastfeed?

The only other possible solution I can see is that you leave the toddler with someone else for the weekend (other grandparents?) and bring the baby with you to the wedding. But that depends on (a) there being someone you trust near where you live or between where you live and the wedding to babysit a toddler for a whole weekend, (b) you being comfortable with being 12 hours away from your toddler in case of an emergency, and (c) your baby being allowed to attend the wedding. If any of those things aren't the case, it's not a solution.

I get that people are allowed to have whatever kind of wedding they like but it is actually quite shitty to have a rule making it pretty much impossible for your sibling to attend.

And if your parents are hosting this wedding at their house (presumably saving the happy couple thousands), I think they should be stepping up here. Ideally to say, "You can't not invite your sister's young children when they live 12 hours away", but if nothing else, "You can't ban your sister's young children from OUR house. It's not a commercial wedding venue, it's our home."

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/05/2023 07:16

Robinni · 15/05/2023 07:11

@SunnySaturdayMorning

Again, do people not read posts properly?

Well aware that people may not be able to express and/or that baby might not take a bottle.

Oh for gods sake it is an afternoon!!

If she is choosing to not bother even trying expressing for a short period of time, then she is choosing to not go to the wedding.

As I say if it isn’t physically possible then she should ask them to be more accommodating, or not go obviously.

Show quote history

I agree. She shouldn’t go, that’s what I said in my post.

And why should anyone “bother” trying to express when they don’t want to in the first place?

You might have been happy to ditch your baby early on but not everyone is.

Ladykryptonite · 15/05/2023 07:16

They're dick heads, but yes a babysitter is the answer

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 15/05/2023 07:16

@MargotBamborough I agree generally with your post, but I don't think OP lives 12 hours away. I think she was saying it's a 12 hour day once you add in travel time.

Gothambutnotahamster · 15/05/2023 07:16

KatieKat88 · 15/05/2023 06:26

I'd give them the choice - would they rather you didn't attend, or have you there and accept that you/DH need to dip in and out to see the kids.

At the end of the day I'd always prioritise my children's needs - I'd try to be respectful of others' wishes but they aren't my priority. I'd really think less of my brother if he didn't want his nieces/nephews to be included at all - fair enough no non-family children, even asking for them to be elsewhere for key 'quiet' moments like the ceremony/speeches, but they're his family too!

I'd do this too.

Augend23 · 15/05/2023 07:16

I do get the idea of a child free wedding - peaceful, less likelihood of tantrums/drama on the day itself etc (though with alcohol and family I don't think it guarantees no drama).

I just can't imagine deciding one was So Important to me I would rather my sister didn't attend than flex that particular requirement, or even go with one of several compromises.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/05/2023 07:16

plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house)

How far away from your parents’ house do you actually live? I presume the 12 hours isn’t the travel time, but includes the whole day at the wedding as well?

Blueblell · 15/05/2023 07:17

I also think they would be unreasonable to not say at some point during the event - bring your toddler out to see what’s going on for 15 mins or whatever. I also think that weddings that don’t include family kids are odd. But I think that people are paying so much for weddings these days that they lose the plot a bit and do start making difficult demands.

AHugeTinyMistake · 15/05/2023 07:17

The whole thing sounds like a massive hassle OP and your DB and SIL are being very unfair

I think suggest solutions to them Inc the one where you don't attend at all and see what they say

Agree that having the wedding at your parents house adds another layer of logistical problems.

Tbh I wouldn't put myself out massively - hiring babysitters, getting DH family to help out is just too much.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 07:17

Starhead69 · 15/05/2023 07:10

@Robinni honestly didn’t get that far after you professed that there was no reason she can’t leave a breastfeeding baby.

Show quote history

@Starhead69

I did not profess there was no reason she couldn’t leave a breastfeeding baby.

I said

Why is everyone saying she can’t leave the baby because she is breastfeeding?

Because nobody was even suggesting expressing, which is a very straightforward and plausible solution. It should be ruled out before jumping to panic stations.

Lots of women, particularly those who breastfeed well beyond 3-6 months, will express to enable them to go out of an evening or go back to work.

It’s perfectly feasible to give it a go at 3-4 months when feeds stretch to 3-4hrs.

Olios · 15/05/2023 07:17

Nintendogal · 15/05/2023 07:08

You have very young children who need you, including a breastfed baby.

Your brother is being completely unreasonable expecting you to just leave them.

To be honest in this situation, even if it was my brother, I would just say I can't go if children can't be in the vicinity.

Child-free weddings are a very strange concept anyway in my opinion, but I know that's not everyone's view but I just think it's entitled and impractical to not invite members of your own family to your wedding because of their age.

I agree with this

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 07:18

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 15/05/2023 07:16

@MargotBamborough I agree generally with your post, but I don't think OP lives 12 hours away. I think she was saying it's a 12 hour day once you add in travel time.

Oh sorry I missed that.

In which case leaving the toddler with a babysitter might be an option if someone trustworthy is available and willing, but I wouldn't leave a baby for 12 hours.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 15/05/2023 07:19

A babysitter in your parents’ house is the perfect solution, surely? I don’t think the toddler will care that much. I can’t envisage them gazing longingly out of a window at marquee.

Jas your brother actually said they don’t want the kids ‘on site’? Because that is unreasonable.

ZenNudist · 15/05/2023 07:21

I wouldn't go. You can laugh at him when he has dc and realises what a dick he's being.

Wrongsideofpennines · 15/05/2023 07:21

How far away is home and your parents house? Could you not have a sitter at home and pop back there? If your children are at your parents then they will inevitably end up outside at some point and the bride and groom will be annoyed and it will look like you did it deliberately and they will be upset with you.

If its too far for you to pop back to your baby for multiple feeds during the day then I can't see how you could go. Unless you want to give your baby expressed milk and ask the B&G for a private space at the reception where you can express and store milk.

Child free weddings would never be my preference but fair enough if that's the couple's preference. But to exclude their own exclusively breastfed niece/nephew at their grandparents house does seem an odd choice.

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