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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding help!

576 replies

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 01:31

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

OP posts:
SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/05/2023 08:41

Robinni · 15/05/2023 08:35

Good for you.

I got 9 months maternity, like a lot of people. Some take much less.

You get the gold star breastfeeder 👏👏👏

Shame on you for putting other women down.

Show quote history

You got a year’s maternity like everyone else. You just chose to take 9 months of it.

And I’m not putting anyone down. The fact that you think that is your own projection because it’s likely you weren’t happy with your choices.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 08:41

WimpoleHat · 15/05/2023 08:36

I had a very new baby at my sister's wedding and I was aware that there was a certain amount of attention being given to the baby that should have gone to the bride.

Does it really work like that? I suppose that I was “the centre of attention” at my own wedding; I’d invited people that I knew and I suppose they’d made the effort to come out of some sort of affection for me. But people weren’t sitting there with their eyes glued to me! All sorts
of other conversations went on. Yes - people will be excited to see a new baby, but they’ll also be excited to see Aunty Mary who’s come from abroad/cousin Louise who’s pregnant/Martin’s new girlfriend. And - as I said upthread - if a close family member and her kids aren’t there, their absence is likely to cause far more comment and “attention” than their presence would have done.

We had a month old baby at a family wedding…. the father of bride spent almost his entire speech talking about the baby…. Wasn’t a good look.

Rest of time was fine though, they got the baby offside pretty sharpish after meal and everyone alternated to look after it. Bottle fed baby which made it easier.

Percypiglover · 15/05/2023 08:42

Can you leave the toddler with someone at home, I really don't think having a toddler in the house will work with a wedding going on outside in the garden. Then explain that the baby is breastfed and therefore you need to be able to do this or you can't attend.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 08:44

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/05/2023 08:41

You got a year’s maternity like everyone else. You just chose to take 9 months of it.

And I’m not putting anyone down. The fact that you think that is your own projection because it’s likely you weren’t happy with your choices.

Show quote history

@SunnySaturdayMorning I was in the middle of a course, I had to go back after 9 months or face another year out. And I had to have the baby when I did due to unexpected fertility issues that were discovered.

Again, you are really judgemental and smug when you know nothing of other peoples circumstances.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/05/2023 08:44

There is no way that your toddler will stay in the house for hours ans not come out. Diehard he will see you /relatives and want to come

Or gp will take them out to show /meet relatives

Being in a room all day /for hours is hard and will go crazy. Yes you could hire a nanny at cost £15/20ph to sit with them the whole time /take to local park /soft play

Are dh family near by at all ? And toddler stay with them

Obv a bf baby is diff so stay in the house

I get why people have cf weddings - usually cost and space - but in this venue (home) no reason why can't go as family

We had family only children at ours as knew like you family, many travelling and family obv at ours as well

So they seem happy to have toddler in house as long as doesn't come out - is that right @WeddingDilemma2

WimpoleHat · 15/05/2023 08:44

We had a month old baby at a family wedding…. the father of bride spent almost his entire speech talking about the baby…. Wasn’t a good look.

Agreed….oh dear! (Mind you, presumably if the baby hadn’t been invited, the speech would’ve been about what a shame it was that baby wasn’t there……!)

SparklyBlackKitten · 15/05/2023 08:46

Good idea
Bring your kids
And hire a babysitter

But rent an airbnb close by instead

Of course they don't want a screaming toddler in the house whilst they are getting married

and if you think you cant be without your 5 month old for a few hours... well then dont go and stay with toddler and baby in the air bnb.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 15/05/2023 08:49

As soon as other parents see your child there it could cause tension as they wonder why your child is there.

I think if the brother wants a childfree wedding then that's fine (although he needs to accept that it may mean people can't come) but I don't understand this argument. I went to a wedding a few weeks ago leaving my 3 year old and my 11 month old. There were other parents of similar age children there who had also left children at home as not invited. The bride's 11 month old nephew was there, no one got in a strop about why this child was there but theirs wasn't invited. It was clear that he was there because he's the bride's nephew so she wanted him there, plus she wanted to make it as easy as possible for her sister and BIL to attend.

knittingaddict · 15/05/2023 08:49

Pemba · 15/05/2023 02:27

Miserable buggers! I agree with @NumberTheory that child free weddings are not in the right spirit. It will be so complicated for you to attend, in your place I just wouldn't go.

Your children are and should be very close and important family members. No doubt your B and SIL will feel completely different about it if and when they have kids themselves.

I get the impression that it's not a popular opinion, but I agree with everything you've said.

What harm is there in nephews and nieces attending a wedding? They are as much a part of the family as anyone else. Perfection is an impossible goal in any case and I would put family before perfection any day.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 08:50

WimpoleHat · 15/05/2023 08:44

We had a month old baby at a family wedding…. the father of bride spent almost his entire speech talking about the baby…. Wasn’t a good look.

Agreed….oh dear! (Mind you, presumably if the baby hadn’t been invited, the speech would’ve been about what a shame it was that baby wasn’t there……!)

@WimpoleHat I don’t know, he was quite pissed as wedding photos took a while… The baby was right up at the front in his eye line, he lost his train of thought and then just babbled about how it was a wonderful day but nothing more wonderful than the baby…… for about 10mins, before he moved on to football, at which point they got him to sit down!!

It prompted them to move the baby away after that as the bride was quite upset.

RampantIvy · 15/05/2023 08:50

I had a very new baby at my sister's wedding and I was aware that there was a certain amount of attention being given to the baby that should have gone to the bride.

Are brides so self absorbed that they feel threatened by a baby?
I would have been very happy not to have been the centre of attention all day.

Besides, as someone else has pointed out, weddings usually mean that you meet up with family members/friends that you haven't seen for some time, so you spend time catching up with them rather than having your eyes glued on the bride all day.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 15/05/2023 08:54

my children didn’t take to a bottle so I couldn’t leave them with anyone at all - in your position i wouldn’t go and tell them why.

Furrydogmum · 15/05/2023 08:54

I wouldn't go..

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 08:55

SparklyBlackKitten · 15/05/2023 08:46

Good idea
Bring your kids
And hire a babysitter

But rent an airbnb close by instead

Of course they don't want a screaming toddler in the house whilst they are getting married

and if you think you cant be without your 5 month old for a few hours... well then dont go and stay with toddler and baby in the air bnb.

Lol, what?

So that's upwards of £100 to stay in an Airbnb instead of in her parents' house for free. An Airbnb which may not even be that near her parents' house, because not everyone lives within 5 minutes of a family friendly Airbnb.

And then realistically a couple of hundred quid for 12 hours of babysitting for two very young children, by someone not known to either of the children, in an Airbnb which is unlikely to be childproofed, without the usual selection of toys and activities you would expect in the children's own home or at a childminder's house to keep the toddler occupied. Assuming they can find someone decent who is actually willing to take on that sort of job.

And unless the amazing babysitter and Airbnb are within easy walking distance, the OP staying sober so she can drive over there every three hours to feed the baby and then drive back to the wedding. With the baby and toddler definitely not going nuts every time she pops in for a feed and then leaves them again.

Are you for real? Surely no one would do this even if it were possible, which it may well not be.

rookiemere · 15/05/2023 08:57

I get the sentiment of not having young DCs there. Some friends of DH let their 2 year old tantrum through the ceremony- neither of us knew the DW that well so she easily could have taken the child outside.

However they're making such a meal of it and being professionally offended by every solution. As to people not wanting you to be dipping in and out - it's a wedding service and reception-not indentured service.

EsmeSusanOgg · 15/05/2023 08:58

Guavafish1 · 15/05/2023 02:01

I think it's a good solution... bring your children with a babysitter, you and your husband can dip in and out of the wedding.

Or you can just attend the marriage ceremony only whilst your husband looks after the kids.

If they are still not happy the arrangements...then I see no alternative but not to attend.

Whilst the nuclear option (sometimes) if it is a marriage ceremony in the UK (not a blessing after a legal ceremony elsewhere) DB/SIL cannot stop anyone ne just rocking up and attending the ceremony. It is an open, legal event. And outside COVID special restrictions, there is no mechanism for telling people they cannot attend the ceremony. The reception is a private event - but a marriage is not.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/05/2023 08:58

Seems unnecessarily harsh to me. OK, ages ago, but we had a marquee in my folks’ garden for our wedding - only 60 odd guests for a buffet - and although there wasn’t a general invitation for children, my sister brought her toddler and a 6 mo baby, and a cousin of dh brought her toddler. It was fine - we wouldn’t even have thought of saying they couldn’t come.

Phos · 15/05/2023 08:59

YABU. It's a child free wedding. Your individual needs and ideas don't trump the couples wishes. Go, leaving the kids with a sitter elsewhere or don't go but don't try to unilaterally come up with a "solution" that means you get your way completely against what the bride and groom want. You know the toddler and baby will end up attending the wedding if you have them in the house and it sounds like that's what you want.

RedHelenB · 15/05/2023 08:59

EllandRd · 15/05/2023 02:26

Respect your brothers wishes, it's his wedding, he should not have to worry about childcare's issues when it's been made very clear it's a child free wedding.

At the child's grandparents house. Sorry bro and SIL you may have to suck it up that the child might appear at sone point. And OP and dh will have to tag team when children are awake.

EsmeSusanOgg · 15/05/2023 09:00

TBH - they can have a child-free reception (technically, they cannot stop children attending the ceremony in the UK. But they can grump about it). But you are not obliged to attend if it does not work.

You have offered multiple reasonable solutions. If they will not compromise, they cannot expect you to be there.

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 09:01

Phos · 15/05/2023 08:59

YABU. It's a child free wedding. Your individual needs and ideas don't trump the couples wishes. Go, leaving the kids with a sitter elsewhere or don't go but don't try to unilaterally come up with a "solution" that means you get your way completely against what the bride and groom want. You know the toddler and baby will end up attending the wedding if you have them in the house and it sounds like that's what you want.

Would your answer change if the bride and groom are seriously pissed off and it causes massive family drama if they don't go?

Tandora · 15/05/2023 09:07

Robinni · 15/05/2023 06:48

Why is everyone saying she can’t leave the baby because she is breastfeeding.

The baby will be 5 months old at the point of the wedding and will only need fed every 3-4 hours, so a max of 4 feeds over the 12hr period that she will be away….

I attended a girls trip when my baby was 6 months old and was away 3 days. We started preparing when baby was 3-4 months, expressing milk, freezing and defrosting/giving in a bottle (to make sure all would go ok). When I left we had a freezer drawer full and formula as back up (it was never needed).

OP you have time to prepare for this. It’s a 12 hour period. If it were me I would be sourcing family from your DH’s side or trusted friends and having them look after baby for short periods giving expressed milk so they, baby and you can get used to it. A trial run as it were.

It’s really unfair of you to expect the children be babysat in the house where the wedding is taking place - the toddler will run out, somebody will go get the baby etc.

If you can’t express for some reason then you can start to plead with them to be more accommodating…… but your baby is not a newborn at the point of the wedding, will be weaning in fact, so you should at least have a go at expressing/bottle feeding your breast milk (from about 3/4 months when it becomes much more possible with increased time between feeds). I mean you’ll be needing to express on the day anyway unless you want explodo tits.

The medela electric pump is great for frequent expressing and has freezer bags. You can often get it on offer. Would recommend mam bottles for a breastfed baby. Avent manual pump is great for pump and dump on the day - you can throw it in your handbag.

To be honest I would recommend all of that for your own sanity with a 5 month old baby - you need the odd meal out or time to get your hair done by the point they are that age…. Expressing can give you some independence back.

Jesus Christ, you think OP should spend months pumping her breasts with a machine, and forcing a potentially unwilling baby to take a bottle, disrupting their feeding/ comfort regime, just so her brother can have a child free party? WTH kind of world do we live in?

Totally valid choice to chose to express / bottle feed, but no woman should be expected to do this as some kind social norm/ standard. What rot.

Coronationstation · 15/05/2023 09:07

Tell them you can't go!
I get the whole thing that it's their wedding and they can choose to have it child free if they wish but I think it's a pretty shit thing to do if one of your siblings has a breastfed baby, a toddler and lives several hours away!

Dibbydoos · 15/05/2023 09:09

I think your idea is perfect.

Make sure your children are being looked after at the front of the house on groundfloor or upstairs rather than at the back where they can see what's going on too. The baby sitter also needs everything she will use to hand too - inc food, drinks and a loo. You don't need your DBs permission for this, just your parents. And perhaps you and your DP take it in turns to visit - keep your visits short and relatively infrequent - the baby sister should decide when a visit is needed, for example rather than you just ricking up. It's less disruptive then.

Hope it all goes well!

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/05/2023 09:11

Robinni · 15/05/2023 08:44

@SunnySaturdayMorning I was in the middle of a course, I had to go back after 9 months or face another year out. And I had to have the baby when I did due to unexpected fertility issues that were discovered.

Again, you are really judgemental and smug when you know nothing of other peoples circumstances.

Show quote history

They were still choices that you made.

Smug? No. Judgemental? Everyone’s judgemental about something.