Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding help!

576 replies

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 01:31

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

OP posts:
Ladykryptonite · 15/05/2023 07:21

he's saving thousands on venue hire, he should compromise

rwalker · 15/05/2023 07:22

Realistically what are the chances of your toddler being confined to the house all day and night when party going on outside

toddler with friend or DH family elsewhere baby at your parents house with sitter is best option

Brumbies · 15/05/2023 07:25

Pemba · 15/05/2023 02:27

Miserable buggers! I agree with @NumberTheory that child free weddings are not in the right spirit. It will be so complicated for you to attend, in your place I just wouldn't go.

Your children are and should be very close and important family members. No doubt your B and SIL will feel completely different about it if and when they have kids themselves.

This!

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 07:25

rwalker · 15/05/2023 07:22

Realistically what are the chances of your toddler being confined to the house all day and night when party going on outside

toddler with friend or DH family elsewhere baby at your parents house with sitter is best option

That does depend on other trusted sitters being available for the toddler though.

And if they would have to pay for someone, that means bride and groom zilla are expecting the OP to pay for two separate babysitters because they want their toddler nephew to be banned from his grandparents' house.

rookiemere · 15/05/2023 07:26

I would go with the option that you all go, stay at your parents, and DH stays with the DCs instead of going to ceremony. You can possible swap for a bit during reception so you can BF. It's the option that just about works without ridiculous demands on you ( bottle feeding when you don't need to) or laying out hundreds for a babysitter.

I'd talk to your parents about it - it's their house and they can decide who they want there. If DB has strong feelings about even that, then I'd decline or go solo for the ceremony only - if that's doable distance and BF wise.

BillyNoM8s · 15/05/2023 07:26

I wouldn't be faffing about with multiple babysitters. I'd leave all kids with DH and just go for the ceremony if the feeding logistics work. If not, I wouldn't go.

If they have a problem with that then they can suggest a workable (and affordable) solution.

I think it's miserly to have a child free wedding when your immediate family have young kids, if you're expecting them to attend. Especially when you're holding it at a relatives house! I assume you aren't particularly close.

HaiIeyy · 15/05/2023 07:28

Just don't go. It's too hard with a breastfed baby. I think they are being arseholes over it but if it's their wedding then it's their choice so you shouldn't be asking about the kids when they've said no kids.

BreehyHinnyBrinnyHoohyHah · 15/05/2023 07:30

Your DB and SIL are clearly not bothered about the comfort of your children. Usually exemptions are given to babes in arms.

So in your shoes, I just wouldn't go and not give it a second thought. As I said, they're not bothered about the comfort of your kids so why are you fretting about their feelings?

Robinni · 15/05/2023 07:32

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 15/05/2023 07:05

@Robinni OP has also said she wouldn't personally feel comfortable leaving the baby for that long. So it's not solely about the milk.

And maybe this makes me a bitch, but if I wasn't already planning on expressing and getting my baby onto a bottle etc, I probably wouldn't go through the faff for a wedding. Getting my DDs onto bottles was a pain in the arse (and it doesn't always work for all babies), pumping takes time and I always found it a bit painful, then you've got to find willing family members for the trial runs you mention. If she isn't planning on bottle feeding she'll need to buy bottles, a pump, a steriliser etc, all just to get ready for one day.
It's a big inconvenience when a babysitter could just keep the baby in the house.

And I disagree with you that she needs to be doing this at 5 months "for her sanity" anyway. Nothing wrong with doing it of course, but not required. Mine went onto bottles of expressed milk a few months later, ready for starting nursery.

Couldn’t she leave the kids with their father so she could attend the wedding?

She’d need a steriliser/bottles anyway for when the baby moves onto formula/expressed milk/cows milk at end of maternity. Unless she is an SAHM. Electric pumps can be borrowed or hired cheaply enough. A hand pump is under £30.

Agree that pumping takes time, but only a handful of feeds. Everyone is different; I found breastfeeding more painful, especially in the beginning, awful.

Unbeknownst to me my child had asd, so having 4 hours to myself a few times a week was needed for my sanity (after spending the other 20 having to constantly carry, dealing with endless crying, 8hr cluster feeds etc), can appreciate others might have had easier babies.

stillbejeweled · 15/05/2023 07:36

rwalker · 15/05/2023 07:22

Realistically what are the chances of your toddler being confined to the house all day and night when party going on outside

toddler with friend or DH family elsewhere baby at your parents house with sitter is best option

This! I think it would be really unfair on the toddler for you to be in and out and knowing there's a party outside.

I also think it's very likely a grandparent or well meaning guest will make that worse or try and bring them out to join in.

DappledThings · 15/05/2023 07:37

She’d need a steriliser/bottles anyway for when the baby moves onto formula/expressed milk/cows milk at end of maternity. Unless she is an SAHM
Not necessarily. I took the full year maternity leave. By that time DC was drinking cow's milk once a day from a cup and breastfeeding first and last thing. Never bothered with bottles and the faff of it and definitely wouldn't have done for one day of a wedding.

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 07:37

To those saying, "Just don't go", it's not as simple as that, is it?

I once turned down an invitation for a wedding hundreds of miles away, on a Friday (meaning I'd need to use two days of annual leave), where I didn't know any of the other guests and my long term partner wasn't invited because he'd never met the couple. I didn't make a big deal of it, I just said I couldn't make it. Bride wasn't happy and said I'd have come if I'd been allowed a plus one (which was true). I respected her wish not to have anyone she didn't know at her wedding but she didn't respect my decision not to come.

There isn't really any way to not attend your siblings wedding without creating major family drama. The OP has already said she doesn't want to fall out with her brother and SIL over this.

But I think they're being really unreasonable for putting her in this position when the wedding is being hosted at the grandparents' house.

For what it's worth, the only children at my wedding were a breastfed baby and a 15 month old, and we didn't hear a peep out of them.

Stravaig · 15/05/2023 07:40

Just don't go. Politely explain that your family can't meet their requirements, and wish them a happy day. There won't be any drama - unless DB/SIL create it, and that will be entirely their choice.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 15/05/2023 07:40

Couldn’t she leave the kids with their father so she could attend the wedding?

She's said she's not comfortable leaving the 5 month old for that long. Personally, I wasn't that fussed, and once the bottles/expressing was sorted I was fine to leave DC but people feel differently about it. I left both DDs (DD2 only 11 months) a few weeks ago for 2 nights to attend a wedding so I'm not against leaving children myself. But she was already on bottles and my in laws (who help us with childcare) were available to babysit.

In OP's case, she's not comfortable leaving the baby, she'd have to sort the expressing/bottles, and the people she'd normally ask to babysit (her parents) are unavailable. Her DH staying with the kids would presumably only solve one of those.

Gazelda · 15/05/2023 07:40

I think that just going for the ceremony is the only workable solution. Take someone with you to look after the children while you're in the ceremony, then go home.

What a shame.

I imagine your DP are disappointed. They've offered their DS the family home to hold his wedding reception in, but made it very difficult for his sister to be present and not invited his nephew/niece.

Robinni · 15/05/2023 07:40

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/05/2023 07:16

I agree. She shouldn’t go, that’s what I said in my post.

And why should anyone “bother” trying to express when they don’t want to in the first place?

You might have been happy to ditch your baby early on but not everyone is.

Show quote history

@SunnySaturdayMorning

You’re being very judgemental and offensive. Going on about plastic replacements and saying I ditched my baby…

I can appreciate that some people feel very passionate about exclusive breastfeeding. But that does not give you license to be rude and obnoxious to others who had to/decided to do otherwise.

Please try and be respectful to others.

Miffular · 15/05/2023 07:42

I see it from both sides. We got married at parents home and had childfree wedding as there were a range of safety issues only adults could understand e.g large pond at end of garden. Luckily at that point most friends and all siblings were childfree. However I would not have had an issue with children being babysat in my parents house if needed.
I definitely would ask what they suggest to allow you to attend and then give reasons why their ideas wouldn't work .

DelphiniumBlue · 15/05/2023 07:44

Who bans their own nieces/ nephews from a wedding? ?You are not the unreasonable one here. You've suggested ways of accommodating their wishes but they are not compromising.
I agree that having the toddler in the house but not allowing them outside just won't work, so either you can find a babysitter for part of the day, or your DH doesn't go and only you attend. If the B&G aren't happy, that's tough, you can't wave a magic wand , and the reality is that you can't leave a toddler with a stranger for 12 hours.
Once this pair have their family they will once with embarrassment at their behaviour here- weddings are about blending families but they are happy to ban yours .

MinnieGirl · 15/05/2023 07:47

Personally I wouldn’t be going, and they could be as upset as they liked….
Your children are part of their family, and it says a lot about them that they don’t want them even on site…
Weddings are supposed to be joyful occasions with families celebrating together. And families have children!
I would just say very politely that you understand they don’t want children at their wedding but you can’t/won’t leave yours so you will be unable to attend.
Very selfish attitude by the couple.

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/05/2023 07:47

SunshineAndFizz · 15/05/2023 02:29

If the kids aren't invited, and aren't allowed in the house with a sitter, and your usual babysitters will be at the wedding (the grandparents), and you'll be breast feeding so have to be near them...then I'm afraid you have no options left. You can't go.

Yep.

If your DB wants a child free wedding then he has to be prepared for the reality then some guests will not be able to attend.

Ask him what he expects you to do with your DCs?

GeekyThings · 15/05/2023 07:48

I reread the OP because I wanted to check - at no point have they banned you from having the kids in the house, nor having you popping back and forth during the reception. They may not be happy about it, but your not happy about the childfree wedding, so six of one and half a dozen of the other

Also to their annoyance at the idea of your husband taking your toddler out somewhere so he doesn't have to watch loads of people having a party that he's not invited to, just imagine me sticking my tongue out at them and blowing some extremely farty sounding raspberries - are they also toddlers? They do realise that as adults it's the actual WEDDING that's the important part, not the piss up afterwards, right?

They sound like hard work - ignore them, just do your original plan of attending the wedding, then leaving to take your kids somewhere else. If they complain about that then they're dicks, so who cares what they think?

Ellie1015 · 15/05/2023 07:49

Yabu. Fine to have babysitter at parents house and go in and out however not ok to ask for toddler to come out at all. As soon as other parents see your child there it could cause tension as they wonder why your child is there.

Is there anyway for toddler to stay with inlaws and baby be in parents house with babysitter?

Trinityloop · 15/05/2023 07:50

I would bet a fair amount of money that if the kids are at the house, they will end up at the wedding

I think you've already acknowledged that by asking if they can join for a few hours. That would make me suspicious that you were planning on bringing out the wedding.

Realistically if its a child free wedding, I can understand why they might be concerned that you/a well meaning aunt/ grandparents will end up bringing the children to the wedding at various points

Robinni · 15/05/2023 07:51

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 15/05/2023 07:40

Couldn’t she leave the kids with their father so she could attend the wedding?

She's said she's not comfortable leaving the 5 month old for that long. Personally, I wasn't that fussed, and once the bottles/expressing was sorted I was fine to leave DC but people feel differently about it. I left both DDs (DD2 only 11 months) a few weeks ago for 2 nights to attend a wedding so I'm not against leaving children myself. But she was already on bottles and my in laws (who help us with childcare) were available to babysit.

In OP's case, she's not comfortable leaving the baby, she'd have to sort the expressing/bottles, and the people she'd normally ask to babysit (her parents) are unavailable. Her DH staying with the kids would presumably only solve one of those.

@RightWhereYouLeftMe Can see your point. Just feel like there are still a lot of options open to OP to at least attend in some capacity. If the baby was a newborn needing very frequent feeds then a total no go… but with 3-4hrs between feeds there’s a lot of scope there.

Provided of course that she can trust in her husband to look after his own children. Or another family member/friend. If she is too anxious to leave the baby at all then fair enough.

Codlingmoths · 15/05/2023 07:52

Robinni · 15/05/2023 06:48

Why is everyone saying she can’t leave the baby because she is breastfeeding.

The baby will be 5 months old at the point of the wedding and will only need fed every 3-4 hours, so a max of 4 feeds over the 12hr period that she will be away….

I attended a girls trip when my baby was 6 months old and was away 3 days. We started preparing when baby was 3-4 months, expressing milk, freezing and defrosting/giving in a bottle (to make sure all would go ok). When I left we had a freezer drawer full and formula as back up (it was never needed).

OP you have time to prepare for this. It’s a 12 hour period. If it were me I would be sourcing family from your DH’s side or trusted friends and having them look after baby for short periods giving expressed milk so they, baby and you can get used to it. A trial run as it were.

It’s really unfair of you to expect the children be babysat in the house where the wedding is taking place - the toddler will run out, somebody will go get the baby etc.

If you can’t express for some reason then you can start to plead with them to be more accommodating…… but your baby is not a newborn at the point of the wedding, will be weaning in fact, so you should at least have a go at expressing/bottle feeding your breast milk (from about 3/4 months when it becomes much more possible with increased time between feeds). I mean you’ll be needing to express on the day anyway unless you want explodo tits.

The medela electric pump is great for frequent expressing and has freezer bags. You can often get it on offer. Would recommend mam bottles for a breastfed baby. Avent manual pump is great for pump and dump on the day - you can throw it in your handbag.

To be honest I would recommend all of that for your own sanity with a 5 month old baby - you need the odd meal out or time to get your hair done by the point they are that age…. Expressing can give you some independence back.

Babies are different. Mine wouldn’t take bottles. My 3rd did at 2 months, but then when I was starting it again at 5 months wouldn’t touch the things. So there is no way I’d have gone away to a wedding and left her. Dear db, you don’t seem happy about any if my suggestions. You don’t see me to realise that I can’t leave my breastfed baby hours away, so I am starting to think I just can’t come. Re toddler mum and dad are the only people I’d leave them with, so my only options here seem to be coming on my own with baby so Dh can look after toddler, or none of us. I totally appreciate that you want a childfree wedding but that does pose a serious challenge for me, I can’t just make that work for our family the way you seem to think I can.