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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Letting children wee in the night yes or no?

396 replies

ToWeeornotToWee · 14/05/2023 20:39

Do you let your children wee during the night? I’m talking school age children who are old enough to hold out till morning.

Imagine the noise of them using the toilet wakes up the grown ups in the house disturbing their sleep.

Does that change your opinion?

Edited by MNHQ to add that there's a bit of a vital update from the OP that should be read before responding later in the thread

OP posts:
Geppili · 15/05/2023 03:04

God he sounds absolutely awful.

CorsicaDreaming · 15/05/2023 03:04

ToWeeornotToWee · 14/05/2023 21:52

The irony is that they rarely wee at night when they’re here! 😂

But knowing they can’t wee if even if they need to, which has happened on occasion, is causing anxiety and, I think, the tummy aches.

It's an important point though. My 10 yr old basically NEVER goes for a wee at night. Once asleep he's just out for the count. I on the other hand am up to the loo at least once every night!

So maybe a practical way round it ( notwithstanding the fact you should not need to placate your ex in this and he is v unreasonable- but that I totally get you don't want to poke the lion, as it were) is to help the children realise they don't actually need to go for a wee at yours, and suggest they don't drink too much before bed at their dads so you try and de escalate it for them and their anxiety. And perhaps say to ex via text it's their anxiety about not being able to go that's making them want to go, so if he makes it less of a big deal, problem may resolve itself.... and then you've also got evidence in his response re his attitude to a way of solving it.

He sounds awful OP x

Ottersmith · 15/05/2023 03:06

Is there an advocacy group you can call? Maybe Women's Aid can put you in touch with the right people and then you can have a record of his abuse.

sashh · 15/05/2023 04:12

I'd be tempted to send the kids with a present for dad, of laxative chocolate.

OP

Just send an email saying children need excess to a toilet 24 hours a day and if he has a problem he can take them to the GP for medication to stop then peeing.

He won't because he knows the GP will tell him where to go.

When I was a kid we moved to an older house with old noisy plumbing and my bedroom was next to the loo. We compromised with not flushing.

Goodread1 · 15/05/2023 04:33

Your ex is Total Arsehole @ToWeeornotToWee

His attitude to his his flesh and blood children show what a 💩💩💩💩💩🤬 person he really is.

This is totally not acceptable. !

I strongly suggest you tell social services about this and report to court authorities about this, as evidence how abusive he really is, and is better off with just yourself.

Obviously surround yourself with as much support as possible In all emotinally ,practically financially, in other words all ways.
including of course womens Aid ect.

mathanxiety · 15/05/2023 04:43

ToWeeornotToWee · 14/05/2023 21:46

I don’t know that this is enough of an issue to go back to court over? Maybe it is?

Family court was AWFUL. Absolutely awful. And because he comes across as a very clever articulate professional powerful man and I was a wobbly emotional mess (who wouldn’t be discussing the future contact of your babies!!) then he walked all over me and railroaded this contact agreement.

I do have evidence of toilet denial yes. Evidence of me suggesting it’s causing a problem and him accusing me that it’s me causing the problem. He has also accused me of making my eldest ‘emotionally reliant’ on me. He says I am responsible for creating an environment in which my daughter doesn’t want to leave me on a Sunday morning.

Be careful here.

What he's saying is that you are alienating her from him.

You need expert legal advice. It may well be that you need to get a Guardian ad Litem appointed to represent the children. You may be able to force ex to post divorce mediation where this issue can be hashed out.

You also need to contact Women's Aid 0708 2000 247. CALL THEM.

Call the NSPCC too.

Does your ex have any professional affiliation that could be used as keverage against him? For instance, a member of the medical or legal profession who needs to remain in good standing? Threatening this would be a last resort.

All sympathy - my ex is a lawyer and came across well in court.

mathanxiety · 15/05/2023 04:46

Sorry, WA is 0808 2000 247

babyproblems · 15/05/2023 05:15

This is absolutely enough of a reason to go back to court for. It’s abuse plain and simple; denying someone a basic right.
Surely on this basis you can stop sending the children there asap?? If he kicks off, go back to court. I think you need to seek legal advice and/or advice from SS on what they would recommend. Good luck. X

Blueblell · 15/05/2023 06:56

What’s your relationship like with his partner? Can you approach her about it.

Billyoh · 15/05/2023 06:58

ToWeeornotToWee · 14/05/2023 22:50

Try not to judge me too harshly. It is hard trying to coparent with a bully.

I have been advocating for my children at a level 1. Now it’s time to step up to level 2.

I’m so sorry for you and your DC, keep fighting for them.

sausagepastapot · 15/05/2023 07:04

Just wanting to add how horrifically upset this has made me feel. I am truly devastated for your kids- he is an abusive animal and his behaviour is absolutely sickening.

I would stop contact immediately and have it in wiring somewhere that you are withholding the kids due to a safeguarding concern you have over his toilet control, get a solicitor involved, call the LADO at your local authority and report him- record everything.

I would not accept this lying down. Vile man, and his partner too- seriously fucked up and will undoubtedly cause serious issues down the line.

You have a duet of care to protect the kids by keeping them away from him.

kethuphouse · 15/05/2023 07:07

CooCooCaChu · 14/05/2023 20:40

Surely no one would refuse to let anyone use a toilet whenever they need to?!

Apart from teachers but apparently that’s okay ….

OP until this is sorted do get them one of those little wee bags from Amazon. They wee into them and fold up ready to be disposed of when they get back to you. So sorry that your ex is doing this! The stress must be awful for you .

JustDanceAddict · 15/05/2023 07:09

Looking at your update - no way! I often don’t flush as not to wake dh (en suite) but it’s cruel not to let children (or anyone) wee when they need to. And v bad for the kidneys.

sausagepastapot · 15/05/2023 07:10

By allowing them to keep going over knowing what you know, you're becoming an enabler and you will become complicit in the abuse. Horrendous concept yes, but true.

You have to stop them going, its your duty of care to protect them from abuse- what he is doing is abuse.

Fuck giving them a little bag to piss in- you actually have to stop them going- just make sure you have it all written down, and call a solicitor first thing today. Seriously.

kethuphouse · 15/05/2023 07:13

If only it were that simple. Family court is at best a nightmare and at worst, a corrupt system to navigate . You have to keep your wits about you and be clever , cool and calm . Stopping his access instantly to the children may backfire on OP.

kethuphouse · 15/05/2023 07:16

The ex is a manipulative bully who can fool people so if OP does anything drastic like stop the DC visiting the ex , he may use it as evidence of her being anxious and overreacting. Men like this know how to portray women to look like we are crazy . It’s a delicate situation.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/05/2023 07:18

@JoanOfAllTrades no she is fine. Just dry at night early and wees lots daytime and drinks lots

Just has a good bladder at night

She always wees in the morning - just. It the second she wakes

Just most people wake then wee

She sleeps for hours then wees

londonrach · 15/05/2023 07:18

Who stops someone going to the toilet. Strange

Channellingsophistication · 15/05/2023 07:21

Its a really cruel thing to do to your DCs - your ex and his partner sound like a wicked victorian dad and step mum. do you think he’s cruel to them in other ways?

if you don’t want to escalate this, can you agree that they can go to loo but not flush the toilet in the night.

I would wonder how they are treated in other ways.

jeaux90 · 15/05/2023 07:24

I'd point him to an article about how holding wee in can cause UTI especially in girls. Be factual not emotional even though it's tough with arseholes like him.

100daystogo · 15/05/2023 07:26

I pee in the night and I’m an adult, I would most definitely need the toilet more if I was told I couldn’t use it.

Your poor kids and poor OP, this sounds awful and not sure how you can control this situation. Maybe take the DC with bad belly ache to the GP to be tested for a UTI and get it noted on the system about the lack of access to the toilets

BreatheAndFocus · 15/05/2023 07:27

ToWeeornotToWee · 14/05/2023 22:50

Try not to judge me too harshly. It is hard trying to coparent with a bully.

I have been advocating for my children at a level 1. Now it’s time to step up to level 2.

I don’t judge your harshly, OP. Co-parenting with someone like that is awful. The worst bit is that they come across clever and lovely in public and can pull the wool over everyone’s eyes, which can make you think you’re going mad. They then try to twist things to make you out as the baddie.

My advice is to get everything in writing (eg texts) so he can’t deny it or minimise it. Try to think what excuses he might use and pre-empt them. Be alert to him trying to twist things or trying to set you up as the villain.

Although it’s scary being firmer with them, often it can work because they don’t see you as a weak person or a victim. Never ever trust them and try to keep one step ahead of their possible responses and lies.

Good luck 💐

Retrain12345 · 15/05/2023 07:33

My dad used to do this to me.

He would scream and shout if anyone moved after bedtime. I used to lie awake for hours thinking I needed a wee when I didn’t because I knew it wasn’t allowed.

Thankfully Im NC with him and have been since I woke up in my early 20s. Abusive bullies will never change.

NotaCoolMum · 15/05/2023 07:35

Tell the kids to wee the bed- that’ll change your idiot Exes opinion pretty quick 🙄
good luck op he sounds like a proper asshole 💐

gogohmm · 15/05/2023 07:37

I'm guessing that he is a youngish father because by your 40's it's quite normal to get up in the night, ditto his partner, can't be peri!

Honestly it's cruel and controlling. Definitely something the courts would consider if the children refuse to go but get evidence, ideally a recording first because children don't make the best witnesses, it's not really fair to put them through a court hearing