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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Letting children wee in the night yes or no?

396 replies

ToWeeornotToWee · 14/05/2023 20:39

Do you let your children wee during the night? I’m talking school age children who are old enough to hold out till morning.

Imagine the noise of them using the toilet wakes up the grown ups in the house disturbing their sleep.

Does that change your opinion?

Edited by MNHQ to add that there's a bit of a vital update from the OP that should be read before responding later in the thread

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 14/05/2023 23:48

That's child abuse. I would stop them from going. Keep texts where he admits this, let him take legal action if he wants. You'll have the evidence that he's abusing your children.

Coyoacan · 15/05/2023 00:04

Thinking of you, OP.

Nope, I've never heard of that type of rule and hope I never do again.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 15/05/2023 00:14

My God @ToWeeornotToWee I have just read all of your posts, and the responses since your last post. I know that you are not, but I really want you to be a troll, and for this to be all made up.

I really feel like this is gross abuse from your ex (and his new partner?), as I had something sort of similar with my youngest child and her Dad and his new partner. Many years ago now, both my ex and his new partner were fine at being a DDad and DSM, maybe even good or very good at it in every other way, but what they did about a connected toilet issue with my youngest (a toddler at the time) meant that my DD ended up in hospital for 5 days, and under the care of a consultant paediatrician for several years (the problem was not fully resolved until about year 3 in school years).

My ex and his new partner, and my newish partner, were for a while under a query - not as strong as a suspicion - of sexual abuse. I don't think that I can have been a concern to SSs or the Paediatrician for very long - if at all - as only a nurse or me were allowed to give an intimate treatment to my child for the resulting ongoing problem. When our youngest was visiting her DDad they had to get a nurse in to perform the procedure. Anyway, thank God, sexual abuse was not found to be the issue, the cause of the problem was much less than that, but did include what these days would be considered the use of an action/behaviour which is considered (and I have always been against it) very bad in England, and I think is now illegal in Scotland and Wales. My child was also found to be ND, but that was quite a lot later - was one condition at least part of the cause of the other, I don't know. I am really sorry if this paragraph has been too confusing, but I think that one of the other parties is on Mumsnet, so have had to be careful about what I have said, or it could be too outing!

Anyway, back to you and your poor DCren OP, I think that the potential for long-term harm being caused to your children is far too high, and personally I really want your ex to lose his trusted work position if it has anything - as you imply it does - to do with any child's welfare. I wish that I could send you extra strength to deal with him on both the personal level that is affecting your DCren, and on a wider level that will lead to him losing any position of trust when dealing with children through his job. I am horrified (as you must be) about him being able to make any decisions affecting your own, or anyone else's children. You and your DC have all my sympathy, and I wish you all the very best of luck - not that you should need luck - in the near and far future. ❤️

PastaPup · 15/05/2023 00:23

Ducking hell! I go 2-3 times a night, usually don’t even wake up and take myself off in a half asleep state, I always have done. They can’t keep going there

stbrandonsboat · 15/05/2023 00:25

Dear God, reading this has made my blood run cold. My foster mother used to do this to me as part of her sadistic behaviour and it left me with lifelong bladder problems. Please report this. It is child cruelty.

user1473878824 · 15/05/2023 00:27

@stbrandonsboat I’m so sorry you went through that

Dazedandbemused0 · 15/05/2023 00:29

WHAT???!!!! What have I just read? Surely there is NO parent cruel enough to not allow their child to wee in the night? That’s barbaric and could cause health issues. I couldn’t even sleep if I needed a wee so I can’t imagine how a child could. I think this is actually pretty serious in terms of being cruel/harmful/neglectful. I think I’d actually call social services on a parent who did this in the hope that social services would be able to have a good talk with them and educate them about why this is NOT okay.

SweetSakura · 15/05/2023 00:32

ToWeeornotToWee · 14/05/2023 22:50

Try not to judge me too harshly. It is hard trying to coparent with a bully.

I have been advocating for my children at a level 1. Now it’s time to step up to level 2.

No judgement from me. The people judging must have no idea of the risks of family court.

The rough justice that means when we seek to protect our children we risk losing them altogether. (The scandal of the accusations of "parental alienation").

He is behaving appallingly op. But I know how complex it is.

My ex was doing something that was literally risking my child's life and when I asked the court to look at this behaviour cafcass recommended more time with dad . (My son then refused to go at all because he didn't feel safe)

So it is a huge gamble for the op to take lightly and she shouldn't be judged whatever decision she makes. It's the ex who is the problem, and op is doing her best in a country that only pays lip service to the rights of children post divorce

ThereIbledit · 15/05/2023 00:34

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this BS from your ex.

x

SweetSakura · 15/05/2023 00:35

maltravers · 14/05/2023 22:16

Controlling men can be frightening, but your children need you to step up and sort this out. They have told you so that you can help and protect them. Hold on to this when he gets difficult. You can do it! Otherwise the message they get is they can be abused and mum cannot or will not help.

Not fair to blame op. The system doesn't exactly empower mothers who are victims of abuse. It's damn hard to be believed.

pompypomppomp · 15/05/2023 00:35

Good luck OP. What a cruel man. You can stand up to him, he has to bully those he feels are weaker than him to feel anything. You're a strong mother who will do anything for her children.

reddragon7 · 15/05/2023 00:53

Lmao is this a joke? How can you control when someone pees in their own home, regardless of the time. Children should be free to pee when they can, in an appropriate place of course, or would you rather they wet the bed?

CosimoPiovasco · 15/05/2023 00:57

OP suggest you tell your ex partner the problems with holding in wee.
Uninary tract infection, incontinence, muscle weakness etc.
Google the nhs / health line. Print off and show it to him along with some earplugs for his partner.

MissTrip82 · 15/05/2023 00:57

There’s no way he’s been a good dad up until now. No way. This is overtly abusive behaviour it will absolutely not be a random one-off years into parenting.

reddragon7 · 15/05/2023 00:57

Sorry OP, I just read the rest of your replies - in that case, I aim my previous post to the kids father. This is ABUSIVE of him. What an evil man, I really hope you gain justice for the sake of your poor children! ❤️

SparklyBlackKitten · 15/05/2023 00:57

Why do you even still send your kids to his house?it's abusive

The man is insane

anon067 · 15/05/2023 00:58

No judgement here op. He's controlling and he's abusive, your poor children.

No experience of family court but would the fact your 10 year old can advocate for themselves go in your favour? Does she want to continue staying with him overnight even if the toilet issues were resolved?

Qazwsxefv · 15/05/2023 01:08

This is so awful. Any chance he has sent you his “requests” that you support him in not letting them pee at night by text or email so you have proof? I’d be looking to get his crazy on this recorded somehow before challenging if he has form for gaslighting you.

Quitelikeacatslife · 15/05/2023 01:18

Correspond with him in writing , Email that you have been told by the children that they are not allowed to go to the loo in the night and that you believe it is causing them x and y problem and you want him to agree to allow them to go when they need to. If he replies blaming you for things , go back with "I'm not here to discuss me, can you confirm they are now allowed to use the loo at night?" Even "we can't look in to other issues until this is resolved, I am very concerned about the affect this is having on them" And keep repeating until he agrees they can or if not you have proof to take it further

Theoldwoman · 15/05/2023 01:27

You must be on drugs.
What an idiotic question.
im glad you are not my mother.

SweetSakura · 15/05/2023 01:30

Theoldwoman · 15/05/2023 01:27

You must be on drugs.
What an idiotic question.
im glad you are not my mother.

RTFT

Topseyt123 · 15/05/2023 01:34

Theoldwoman · 15/05/2023 01:27

You must be on drugs.
What an idiotic question.
im glad you are not my mother.

You need to read the thread, I think.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 15/05/2023 01:35

He is being unreasonable. Let them pee.

Outnumbered101 · 15/05/2023 01:49

Be proud your child can wake up and go to the loo alone. It’s part of growing up. So they wake you…and?
would you restrict them from using the loo when they were 15 or 18?
raising children means sometimes there’s inconvenience. That’s life. Embrace it.
If you had a dog and it needed to wee in the middle of the night you’d let it out…
I have two teen girls and will wake up or sit with them whenever they need a hug or support etc and if they wake me when they flush the loo it’s actually kinda nice. and sweet. Enjoy everything they do x

BadNomad · 15/05/2023 02:23

Even though MN wrote right there, in the very first post, to read the OP's other posts before respond, people are still coming out with stupid "LeT Ur chILdrEn peE, teRRiBlE mOThEr!" crap. Is it really so difficult to read all of the first post??