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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Letting children wee in the night yes or no?

396 replies

ToWeeornotToWee · 14/05/2023 20:39

Do you let your children wee during the night? I’m talking school age children who are old enough to hold out till morning.

Imagine the noise of them using the toilet wakes up the grown ups in the house disturbing their sleep.

Does that change your opinion?

Edited by MNHQ to add that there's a bit of a vital update from the OP that should be read before responding later in the thread

OP posts:
Sarahtm35 · 14/05/2023 22:07

Why would you stop anyone from using the toilet in the night?
my husbands parents were like this and he and his brothers are all a nervous wreck as adults. Too much unnecessary levels of controlling parenting creates jittery unbalanced adults.

user1473878824 · 14/05/2023 22:07

@Octaviathethird I’m so, so sorry this happened to you

Hollyhobbi · 14/05/2023 22:08

Maybe I'm gone stupid or something but I'm not sure what the reasonable and unreasonable voting is in this case? Anyway my own dd developed stomach pains due to anxiety over staying with her dad. 100% stress related. Per Consultant Paediatric Gastroenterologist. I have a medical condition that causes me to need to pee frequently and urgently. Worse at night time. My worst nightmare is not being able to pee at night. Or on a bus or a plane not making it too the loo on time. And obviously because your children are girls it's worse due to them having smaller bladders and then they'll have periods as well. Op if you can't get this sorted out reasonably with your so delightful ex please go back to Court for your girls.

UnwieldyRhombus · 14/05/2023 22:10

He may have a bladder of steel, but not everyone does. If you need the toilet, you need the toilet. Feels like it's denying a basic human right to make someone wait several hours if they need it so badly that their body/brain woke them up to have them go.

You don't deny toilet use. That leads to UTIs.

Your ex would hate me. I'm pregnant and up 3 times a night for the toilet. I don't exactly enjoy it either, but I can't turn it off!

Please escalate this, for your poor children's sake.

UnwieldyRhombus · 14/05/2023 22:14

I'm all for considerate toilet use at night, by the way. Don't put landing or bathroom light on if possible (may need bathroom light if changing sanpro and cleaning up period stuff though), don't flush, don't bang doors. Sensible rules would be fine. But blanket toilet bans? No. Ridiculous and harsh.

HoppingPavlova · 14/05/2023 22:14

He would hate me as I get up 2-3 times a night to use the toilet. No way I could hold on till morning, and even if I could I wouldn’t get any sleep from that point on. Maybe the kids should just get out of bed and see on the floor if they can’t use the loo - and up to him to clean it up if that’s his preference.

InSpainTheRain · 14/05/2023 22:15

This can't be real. Anyone should be able to use the toilet whenever they need to! Basic human right.

maltravers · 14/05/2023 22:16

Controlling men can be frightening, but your children need you to step up and sort this out. They have told you so that you can help and protect them. Hold on to this when he gets difficult. You can do it! Otherwise the message they get is they can be abused and mum cannot or will not help.

Titchyfeep · 14/05/2023 22:17

It’s a basic human right to have access to a bathroom. Denying a child the use of a toilet is flat out child abuse!

greyhairnomore · 14/05/2023 22:17

tara66 · 14/05/2023 22:05

Stopping children from using toilet t any time is child abuse. What else do you do to your children?

It's her ex husband not OP

smooththecat · 14/05/2023 22:23

Bit of a pointless post from me as I have no advice. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Denying someone the loo tips into abuse for me.

Shoemadlady · 14/05/2023 22:29

OP, can I just say, I know you're saying you're going to tackle it and I believe you. Standing up to what is an abusive Billy is so hard and your children must feel bullied too. Just think of how proud they're going to be when you stand up for them and sort this out. You're being brave and gutsy and do not let him walk all over you. He is an abusive gaslighter

PigletJohn · 14/05/2023 22:30

I have read the updates

My response is nothing to do with the actual problem of the unreasonable parent.

But nobody should be dissuaded from flushing a WC because of ballcock noise.

A new ballcock costs a few pounds and is a simple fix by a plumber or competent DIYer.

Toomanylatenightprogs · 14/05/2023 22:33

Bloody hell, I’ve heard some shit things men do but this is bizarre, inhumane and takes control to the extremes. What a shit dad he is.
Talk to him OP. I know it’s hard when you’re dealing with a bully, which is what he is, but get him to rant, say the children must not use the toilet, let him have a real yell and shout because you’ll be recording him. Then you’ll have the evidence to take to school, SS and a lawyer.
And hopefully he’ll lose his job as well as his children. Im beyond angry for you.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 14/05/2023 22:34

Having read your update your ex is a bully
Of course DC should be able to use the toilet at any time
Are you able to discuss with him?
Sooner or later your DC won't want to stay over

Topseyt123 · 14/05/2023 22:35

Your ex is an abuser. No two ways about it. He is abusing your children and they are telling you that very clearly.

I would stop the visits over this. At least until it is sorted. Flag it as a safeguarding concern with whoever you need to and if necessary go back to court. I'm relieved to see that you are now starting to think that way.

GodisaBC · 14/05/2023 22:41

It’s pretty sad that you were hoping one of your dc’s reported this to a teacher rather than you actually advocating for your children.
You’re the parent, now stand up for them.

marblemad · 14/05/2023 22:45

what on earth is wrong with you to stop a child from going to the toilet during the night?

Morechocmorechoc · 14/05/2023 22:46

Wow can't go to the toilet. What does he do if your poor 6 year old has a nightmare and is scared? My kids wouldn't stay over regardless of court whilst this was going on.

Original poster
ToWeeornotToWee · 14/05/2023 22:50

Try not to judge me too harshly. It is hard trying to coparent with a bully.

I have been advocating for my children at a level 1. Now it’s time to step up to level 2.

OP posts:
Porkandbeans1 · 14/05/2023 22:50

My parents were abusive and they would tell us off for using the toilet at night. I'm now LC with them because they're vile. I can only imagine that this is the tip of the iceberg.

ModestMoon · 14/05/2023 22:52

Well done OP. Make sure you carry this anger with you tomorrow and the week to follow. No matter what happens, it will do your children a world of good to see that you are standing up for them, stepping up for them and protecting them from abuse. They need to see that the other adult in their life is on their side. Of course, none of you should be in this position. Your horrible ex has made this happen. But given that this is the hand that you have been dealt, the very best thing you can do is rise up and protect them. You are strong and you can do it.

Goodread1 · 14/05/2023 22:53

What sort of question is this @ToWeeornotToWee !?

Of course you 🙄 do,

If you don't want them to make a noise just don't flush the toilet, if it's a pee,

If its other one doing your toilet business, you just flush toilet system.
that's it.

mydoghasanattitude · 14/05/2023 22:56

Denying anyone, but especially children, access to a toilet at night is horrible and abusive. Wishing you luck and strength in defending your children's basic human rights from their awful father. I wish someone could deny him the toilet when he needs it so he can be reminded of how uncomfortable it is!

SemperIdem · 14/05/2023 22:57

This is such incredibly weird behaviour from your ex. There is no logic to it, by stopping them going to the toilet, he’s risking bed wetting, which he surely won’t find at all acceptable?

I’ve read your posts, he is clearly a very unpleasant man and going through family court was terrible for you, but you’re going to have to do it again. This just isn’t right for your children.

Co-parenting with an abusive bully must be an absolute nightmare, he is still impacting your life, through his treatment of your children. But you cannot let this stand, it’s terrible.