To not allow DD to go on school trip for breaking phones?

[Feefoog]

My DD 10 yo DD has broken her phone. I thought fine I have a spare one. DDs put a pin on the spare factory reset model. I have reset the phone but it says put in previous users emails. I've tried both mine and DDs emails, I think she's created an email to get round family link and screen time she said she might have done this. I'm really mad she's effectively broken 2 phones and broken my trust . She has a phone to walk to and from school so needs one, she has a school residential that's £310 which is already expensive. It's not so much about the money its that she shows no regard for rules, money or possessions.

AIBU to refuse to pay for this school trip as she needs a new phone well 2 phones really hers and the spare. She has already been snowboarding this year and will be having 2 weeks in Greece in August so its not like she won't be having trips away.

I can understand you wanting to cancel the school trip due to the expense involved in replacing the phone. But, it gives her the chance to be with her school friends in person and so it's not about being on a smartphone - and that in itself is positive and more along the lines of how you seem to want her to spend her time.
I can't get over the number of people who think the main issue is breaking the tablet or phone - the fact she has been so dishonest and untrustworthy should be the focus of your concern.

I very much doubt she cannot remember the email address or password...

Regardless. Get an AirTag, put it in her wallet or something she will always have on her. Then get a basic phone. Anything fancy and she will just keep doing this.

Year 6 residential is about so much more than the cost/holiday aspect. It's a rite of passage, her friends will bring up memories from the trip for years. It's a very long-reaching punishment for a poor error of judgement on her behalf.

You really don’t know who she’s contacting. If it’s people you know then why would she feel the need to delete her texts? And why exactly does she need to ‘bypass’ anything? Rather than punishing her is being trying to get to the bottom of why she doesn’t want you to see what she’s doing. 10 is far too young to be let loose with devices with no adult supervision and I’d argue that if you need to track her via gps then she probably isn’t sensible enough be out by herself either.

This may be harsh but this is a problem of your own making. It would be very unfair to not allow her to go on a supervised trip with her school because you haven’t implemented proper boundaries around technology. Don’t punish her. Talk to your child and find out what’s going on.

Just make sure all devices are insured.
I think it's a bit odd to punish someone over an accident.
If an adult broke their phone what punishment should they receive?

I disagree completely with these comments... your daughter is 10! She done this to two phones and your tablets. If she doesn't learn now it's only going to get worse when she's older! It more important she have a phone to and from school encase of emergency if needed. Yes get her a cheap phone that only calls and texts. Until she learns that you mean it! But the £310 for a school trip has to be missed because you need to save for a new phone doesn't matter if your loaded and have the money and can afford it! If you can't trust her abusing your authority at home how can you trust her to behave when she goes away so ppl saying it's nothing to do with a school trip is wrong. The principle is she hasn't learnt anytime before hand. She needs to learn money doesn't grow on trees come down on her hard and hopefully it won't happen again. Both aspects she needs to earn your trust before she's allowed the privilege of expensive school trips with friends!

Its not that normal IMO or anyone that i know. Trust needs to be earnt i totally agree but, it also needs to be learnt and taught.
Privacy is important for anyone.

You seem more bothered about the cost of the phones that the fact that your daughter is being devious, lying and manipulating you.

You need to get to the bottom of why she is so hellbent on getting round the security. Is she being groomed?

I'd get her one of those burner style phones that are like £15. That would be embarrassing enough for her at that age. She would have till Christmas to prove herself trustworthy enough to get a better phone. Imagine having to whip that out in front of your peers 🤣🤣. I can see why you don't want to let her go on the school trip but I think having a shit phone for at least the next 7 months is a pretty good punishment at her age. Trips with school friends help shape and build character and I really think they are beneficial for them

Do this. I'd be fuming too but you'll regret this, it'll be a big bonding experience for her and one she can't get back. Make you look very petty too.

Get her a cheap Nokia and a bike GPS. Then you can track her and she can be in contact with you.

Girls your daughters age are being pressured to do lots of things like take nude pictures. O think you need to have a proper chat about Internet safety and photo taking ect.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Real-Time-Waterproof-Overspeed-Subscription-Motorbike/dp/B09X2Z1CYT/ref=asc_df_B09X2Z1CYT?tag=bingshoppinga-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=79852164104170&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=m&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4583451682658554&psc=1

https://www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/topics/zv63d2p/articles/zfmhfdm

I do think that this is an excessively severe punishment.

The logical consequence is surely that until she can be trusted to look after an expensive phone properly, she can only have a cheap basic non-smart phone.

Sounds like there are no consequences to her actions - you say this isn’t the first time either. She needs boundaries that you follow through on (even if you don’t particularly like doing it) otherwise she will keep on doing this.

The school residential has nothing to do with this and if it is about money then penalise her pocket money or holiday spending money and teach her the value of things

OP, I'm a girl guide leader and the red flags are marching on past me reading your post.

What does a 10 year old have to be sneaky about? I'd be really concerned that she's already met someone dodgy online and is trying to sneak around to talk to this person. I was involved in a girl your daughters age sending nudes to a random internet stranger, the fall out was horrific.

100% I would be doing everything to get into that phone that she's password protected.

id also tell the school what's happened so they can get someone in to talk to the kids about internet safety and also make it clear you want her nowhere near an internet enabled device without an adult standing over her shoulder.

If she absolutely needs a phone (don't see why, can't her friends phone you if she gets into bother?) then buy a brick and superglue an AirTag onto the back. Make it a condition of ever being allowed to step back out of the house to have that phone downstairs and plugged into the charger from 8pm. No passcodes, no PIN numbers, no access to any screens at all without an adult sitting right beside her and even then just for homework.

We all told our parents "my friends mum lets her stay out late/have a boyfriend/wear make up" we all lied, your daughter is lying too. Her friends definitely have restrictions on their internet use, they're 10. Stop allowing your 10 year old to manipulate you before this turns into a bigger issue than it already is.

She's 10, she only needs a phone for ringing or texting, if you gave her an expensive one and she broke it, it's on you. Preventing her going on a residential trip is cruel, it'll be the thing they remember in years to come, she'll be left out, all over a phone (she shouldn't have had anyway).

My DD 10 yo DD has broken her phone. I thought fine I have a spare one.

This seems to me to be the actual problem.

Your DD broke her phone. Rather than dealing with that, and the 'don't care' attitude that goes with it, you modelled the same 'whatever' attitude by saying "never mind, I've got a spare one which you can use".

How do you expect your DD to respect and look after things if that's the message you're giving her?

I'd look to your own behaviour before dealing with hers.

(and no child needs a fancy phone. I'm a 50 yr old adult and haven't got one. The world continues to turn).

I think more knowledge is the very last thing this child needs right now. I think she needs some hard boundaries fast and her parents need to up their game.

Whether or not that involves the school trip is debatable, but this needs stopping now.

And whether you live in a village or not, I don't care. I live in a village too, and I've done the teenage years and well beyond. Yes, quite frankly if she can't be trusted, she can bloody well sit in her room till she learns her lesson.

This is a key moment for her to learn she can't get away with just anything and you need to get that, and fast. You will need a mutual trust and respect to get through her teenage years, which will be much harder than this, believe me. At the moment, you have neither. She is not one of your friends, she is a youngster with a brain that still has a lot of developing to do.

You are being incredibly naive OP. There are sometimes moments in parenting when you need to be their parent, not their best friend. Please try and get this right.

Sounds llike the phones still work, though, and it's potentially just the sim card she's blocked? Have you tried a different sim card?

She said her friend had no screen time limits or blocks they are older parents so might not know how to set it up.
is this a joke? Are they 95 or something? I’m sure ‘older parents’ can work technology. They can also parent their kids well too funnily enough
My dp's daughter is 13 and he's 58 not 95 but he can't do this sort of thing; I do it for him.

The Y6 residential is a rite of passage, I really don't think you should stop her going on it.

Personally, I don't use any of these electronic controls because as you've seen for tech savvy kids they are so easy to get around.

What has worked for me is speaking to my DC about limits and agreeing between ourselves. I keep an eye on it and have a chat if usage is creeping up. No need for getting angry or anything.

The school trip has absolutely nothing to do with the rule she's broken. If she can't be trusted to obey your screen time rules then she can't be trusted with screens. That's a logical consequence. You can buy a non-smart phone for her to walk to school with for a tenner.

My parents used to give me completely illogical consequences like the school trip thing when I was a kid, and it didn't teach me to behave better, it just made me hate them. And if anything I became sneakier and less obedient because I was so pissed off.

That's totally your fault for not having an unguessable password,.unless she's a hacking genius

I agree with most of the comments I've read - the punishment should fit the crime! Rubbish phone - earn a better one through building trust (and doing jobs to earn some of the money herself so she values it better and appreciates the time and effort it takes to earn money). If you were spending the money on the trip anyway then do it. If the phone is a thin veil for not spending on something you can't afford then don't pay for the trip (and I'd be saying to school that the price is unreasonable and puts unfair pressure on parents and leaves some children missing out because of finances).

I mean, she's 10. She's going to drop a phone. Get it insured next time.

I'd advise cleaning your screens off too, she might be looking where the finger prints are