DH has the life he wants...

[SadAboutItToday]

I've name changed for this as I love my DH and wouldn't want him to be upset!

But here's the thing...

My DH is exhausted. Our life is hectic and he is always tired and moany. I'm tired too (very) and have suggested many changes which he refuses to make. So I try and just be happy with what we have, given he won't let us change anything! :)

But today I'm a bit down that whenever I suggest something big, he always says no. The life I have is the life he wants (it's not the one I want). But he's the one that moans.

I wanted a third child. He said no. Fair enough - we both have to want it. But ... I kind of missed out. I'd always wanted 3 children :)

I wanted to change career. He said no (not directly, but let his wishes be known) because I have a good salary and he wants it to stay that way.

I wanted to move house. We can't afford where we live. I suggested other parts of the country (I can work anywhere) or abroad (I could work in most countries). He said no.

Yesterday I started dreaming of what life would be like if it was just me and the children and it was lovely! We'd move somewhere gorgeous! I'd get a job I enjoy not earning much! I'd be a chilled mummy and our children would love it (picture maybe living in the countryside, or by a beach, maybe abroad!) ... Back to reality and I have work to do tonight for a deadline tomorrow, a long working week with work into the night. Mounting bills, a moaning DH..

I love my DH and my children adore him, but sometimes it feels like I'd be so much freer and happier with out him as I could follow my own dreams.... (plus I wouldn't have a stressed out man about the house all the time!)

Anyone else ever feel this way?

And I suspect the op will feel resentment towards her DH and her children.

Thé OP does seem to have a shaky grasp on moving ‘abroad’ , unless they both have residency rights in other countries already ( I suppose they might be Irish citizens). As far as I am aware, Australia, New Zealand, America all have fairly stringent immigration policies , you can’t just rock up and decide to live there ( well, not legally, anyway). I don’t know about Canada, but the COL there is high, and housing difficult . It’s not exactly a tropical beach paradise, anyway.

Surely there are other ways of improving your life ( and your mood) rather than a huge shake up of moving house, changing job etc, although I know that Mumsnet seems to believe that every woman is happier having dumped their partner ( though that doesn’t explain the constant problems of finance, childcare, dual parenting etc).

A famous cycling manager used to advocate ‘marginal gains’ little things which added up to major improvements. I would try them first.

^^ This

Similar age to you OP, I simply started making decisions and executing them. I realised I was deferring to him when I was worried about a dilemma (job etc) and deep down I was letting him talk me out of things. He is risk averse and I know this. So it's not fair to ask HIM to talk ME into something. I need to face it with courage.

Off my own bat, 6 years ago, I got the house valued, I explored new options and only at that point did I let DH know my thoughts and suggested a plan. We then made a shared decision to move probably 60/40 in my favour. It's been a great decision.

I also changed jobs. I explored it, weighed up the pros and cons carefully, applied, was offered the job, and then I talked to DH. Along the lines of yes there is some risk but I think I have it covered. I want your support as well, and I would support you if the roles were reversed. A year later, we've adapted and I'm loving the job.

I guess I'm saying if you ask him for "permission" then don't be surprised if he doesn't grant it. You know he's risk averse so take the pressure off him by making some choices yourself.

No-one should be having 7 children. No-one. 3 is pushing it.

Fair enough he doesn't want 3 children, unfortunately when one partner doesn't want it, that makes it difficult.

OP if he doesn't support a career change, moving and is a moany bastard generally, I would really encourage you to look at what joy he actually brings to the relationship. No 'soulmate' should make your life miserable.

He isn't your boss, you can change careers whenever you like. My ex tried to stop me. That's why he's an ex.

Peri menopause OP. that point in your life when you suddenly realise that you have more time behind you than in front of you. the hormones are all over the shop and there is this gripping fear of is this all there is? Personally I couldnt stay in a relationship where the other person always gets the last word. also, your kids are going to move on and when they do its just you thats left and again that can be pretty horrible and scary. so you need to start making your life for you. dont get to 60 look back and think of all the missed opportunities.

Oh dear, in many respects this sounds a lot like how my life was. I was burnt out in my high pressure job and managing the kids to the point of having a breakdown, and despite being quite explicit about how badly our lifestyle was affecting me, H was not motivated to change anything. Because his life was the way he wanted it.

He was the one wanting the big house, but he wasn’t prepared to step up more in order to pay for it if I retrained. So we downsized and I changed my work because I simply couldn’t carry on as was. We didn’t argue until I started to make changes. I feel that he got too used to everything being his way.

Anyway, it worked out brilliantly for me and the children, but H was still not happy. I became tired of nothing being good enough. We didn’t argue until I started to make changes. I feel that he got too used to everything being his way. So I divorced him.

I am now with a new partner who is so different and I realise that a lot of the relationship with my ex H was actually not love on his part at all. He was and is still a selfish man.

My advice to you would be to be brave and do what you need to do for yours and your children’s futures. He’s putting his own needs ahead of yours. Maybe try counselling as a way to help you navigate through this phase with support, and confide in a trusted family member or friend if there is someone.

You have to be the change your want to see in the world. OK you can't just get pregnant or sell the house, but are you even job hunting? What's the income balance with you both? Start looking. Tell him you're unhappy with your job and you're looking for something else.

You say you can't afford the house, are toy getting into debt or just no spare money? You can't to sit down and talk properly and if he tells you he said no, you need to talk about why only he matters. Be honest about how you feel and how he makes you feel dismissed

Why are the kids at clubs so far away and why is it only your job to sort it? Does this extend to all housework and mental work too? You need to look at whether there's a better split, or if you can move activities or if you need to cut something

Why shouldn't she start a thread? Isn't that the point of forums?

I’ve only read your posts OP, but this guy really does not sound like anyone’s soulmate. A soulmate supports and encourages. In a good marriage the spouses are open to being influenced by each other. I can see why you are HIS soulmate as he always gets his own way and he is the type of person who is happy with that ( clue: decent men are not happy at always getting their own way in relationships. They recognize that’s fucked up). But really, he sure isn’t yours. You keep on describing him in ways which are not reflected in how he’s behaved. You call him kind despite his complete absence of kindness in the behaviour you describe. You clearly spend a long time thinking things through from his point of view, whereas it seems he does not do the same for you. And you, in your attempt to explain him in ways that mean you don’t need to face up to how selfish and inequitable he is, find excuses for his behaviour that free him of blame.

You also do this odd thing OP of putting : ) after statements about you and your life that are in no way happy or funny. You clearly think that if you laugh about shit in your life, it isn’t really shit and you don’t need to change it. Stop undermining your need to change your life with those stupid : )

Stop minimizing yourself, your H’s rubbish behaviour, and your pain by putting : ) next do it.

@SadAboutItToday
Having ruled out divorce or separation, you just need to accept the fact that your soul has mated with an incompatible partner and he is not likely going to change.
You can fantasize about a better or different life without him, but until you are prepared to act on your own behalf it will all be a fantasy.

TBH though, your fantasies all seem to be attainable if you are able to fund them.

But why does it actually matter if humans go extinct? I never understand this argument. I mean...we'll be extinct, we won't be around to care about it. The earth will go on just like it always has, unless we ruin it, which we are doing a good job of currently.

It sounds as though you love him but it doesn't read like he loves it respects you. At all. He's your soulmate because he gives good hugs. He's your rock? No
A soulmate moves heaven and earth to help the other achieve their goals, whether it's doable or not. A soulmate would rather suffer than see the other y happy (as you are doing for him). Someone who's your rock has your back, helps you up the career ladder, helps you achieve.
You're not married to your soulmate. At all.

@Bloopsie come back, I really want to know where the government is so financially generous and sends thank you letters to families who have 7 or more children!

I think some of the comments are very mean and harsh.

I love my husband very much but he also doesn't want to move house and I really do. There are other similarities between my family and OP and I don't think this is divorce worthy. Far from it!

OP just talk to him and again and again ... if its something you see animportant or that will make you happier don't give up! To me communication is super important. If I insist and constantly talk about moving my husband will give in, I just haven't decided its that important to me.

The work situation also, have you actually told him how important this dream job is for you? If you explain practically to him I'm sure he will support you.

Don't sit in silence, don't try to be or say convenient things. Make your happy happen!!!

Does she have a shaky grasp? How would you know? I’m fairly sure OP will be aware of the need for a visa and a job.

MN is full of women who can’t answer their own doors, talk on the phone or go to weddings so I understand that to some emigrating is off their maps. But certainly moving house and changing job is not a “huge shake up”.

@NalafromtheLionKing i think the country is Bulgaria.

If he's more conservative and risk averse than you are, you can't expect him to be the one backing you taking a leap for a dream job that's a financial risk. You have to have the courage of your convictions and go for it without his encouragement. You already had your brother's encouragement, you say it's your dream, if you weren't prepared to go for it - and he didn't even say no, you just knew his wishes and let yourself be persuaded out of it. You say you could have not listened to him, so ultimately it's on you and you can't regret it. Well, you can, but only if that makes you change your approach from now on. Understand who he is and do what you need to do to get your own way with these things, or else the dynamic is set. And perhaps the fact that you cave means that you didn't really want it that much and you are happier to go along with things as they are than risking the conflict and discomfort of change.

Yea, I frequently dream of a husband free life.

Pick a pefect street near the dc school and cost out moving there and life after a move.

If it saves money and less stress all round then that's your argument to move. What do you mean he says " no'
No what? He might like it but it's better to live walking distance to a school, shops etc imo.

Why should you be in a house you don't enjoy, running dc about, doing a job you don't really like to keep him happy. He clearly won't do the same for you!

Think you feel resentful about the job thing because you've suddenly realised what a self centred man he is. What tipped you over the edge?

Is the house in both your names? And what does your brother think of your husband? Curious, as your bro sounds as if he and your dh might fall out about something! Does your dh ever get angry or is he always chilled?

So he talked you of your dream job is moany and wont change but this man is your soulamte

ok

Yes OP, but what does he do? What does he do while you are working very hard and long hours and picking your kids up from activities?

What has he ever given up to make your life easier?

You are not answering these questions?

He is not kind.

Oh, fuck this, OP.

I can't imagine what this opportunity was that presented itself to you but will never happen again.

Make it happen. There must be a way.

And fuck your DH, I'm sorry but if he's not even aware of how much this meant to you, or how many compromises you've made then he's not such a great partner after all.

My children are very happy. They are the centre of my world and the centre of DHs world. I love them to bits and always will and they both know how loved they are. We devote ourselves entirely to our children. We take them to all the activities they want to do, we love spending time reading with them at night. Right now I'm picking DS1 up from his sport club (well siting in car waiting for him actually!) We r far from perfect, but loving our kids and ensuring their happiness is something we are both certainly firmly on the same page about.

You can achieve all of this without entirely devoting your life to your children in the way you describe.....Relationships need nurturing too.

And you are running yourself ragged taking your kids to every activity they want. Just let them be bored for a while and make their own amusements. Give yourself time to breathe.

There’s a lot of judgemental people on MN who urge divorce as the answer to every problem. If you and your husband sat down and had a discussion about the pros and cons of X and you mutually agreed not to do it, that’s not him being “controlling”.