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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has the life he wants...

277 replies

SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 12:24

I've name changed for this as I love my DH and wouldn't want him to be upset!

But here's the thing...

My DH is exhausted. Our life is hectic and he is always tired and moany. I'm tired too (very) and have suggested many changes which he refuses to make. So I try and just be happy with what we have, given he won't let us change anything! :)

But today I'm a bit down that whenever I suggest something big, he always says no. The life I have is the life he wants (it's not the one I want). But he's the one that moans.

I wanted a third child. He said no. Fair enough - we both have to want it. But ... I kind of missed out. I'd always wanted 3 children :)

I wanted to change career. He said no (not directly, but let his wishes be known) because I have a good salary and he wants it to stay that way.

I wanted to move house. We can't afford where we live. I suggested other parts of the country (I can work anywhere) or abroad (I could work in most countries). He said no.

Yesterday I started dreaming of what life would be like if it was just me and the children and it was lovely! We'd move somewhere gorgeous! I'd get a job I enjoy not earning much! I'd be a chilled mummy and our children would love it (picture maybe living in the countryside, or by a beach, maybe abroad!) ... Back to reality and I have work to do tonight for a deadline tomorrow, a long working week with work into the night. Mounting bills, a moaning DH..

I love my DH and my children adore him, but sometimes it feels like I'd be so much freer and happier with out him as I could follow my own dreams.... (plus I wouldn't have a stressed out man about the house all the time!)

Anyone else ever feel this way?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 14/05/2023 14:42

tailinthejam · 14/05/2023 14:25

@SadAboutItToday Perhaps you too are risk-averse.

"I love my DH and wouldn't want him to be upset!"
This is in the first line of your OP. It seems to me that you have capitulated on these potentially life-changing moves because you don't want to rock the boat. You don't want to upset him so you give in.

What do you think his reaction would be if you were to stand your ground?

@SadAboutItToday

exactly! What’s so bad about your husband being upset? Sounds like you’re upset often enough

Mirabai · 14/05/2023 14:42

Gloschick · 14/05/2023 14:33

I agree with #TheyAreMyBhunasPete. You seem like the dreamer and he the realist. This site is full of people struggling with the col crisis that are living in the cheap areas you describe. It sounds like things are really tight so I can see why he wouldn't go for a risky job or extra child.
You are approaching things from the wrong direction. First you need to ease the pressure off your lives and then he will be happier about taking risks. Why don't you present a costed out plan to him re where you would live, what work opportunities are in that area etc. You say he has it all his own way, but it sounds like he is as knackered as you are, so his life isn't perfect either. If you work together you might be able to make the required changes to make you both happier.

Again, how does that explain his insistence on the house they can’t afford in a CoL crisis, when OP wants to downsize to reduce outgoings or move somewhere she gets paid very well?

Crikeyalmighty · 14/05/2023 14:43

You have never had an argument because you have totally allowed him to rule the roost and dictate lifestyle. I've been there and realised too late in the day I was far too co dependent. I'm very much an easy life people pleaser, I found my inner tiger post menopause and no longer just 'go along' with things- hence we've since had plenty of arguments! I actually felt much better though saying my piece rather than simmering quietly with resentment

Sugargliderwombat · 14/05/2023 14:43

Oh OP you don't argue because you do everything he wants. Do you really want to spend your life pleasing someone else, and they're not even pleased?!

jackstini · 14/05/2023 14:45

I think you need to be honest with him re the career dream. Tell him you are still feeling devastated and will always regret it. He probably has no idea how much this affected you

Moving is a big deal, yes, but it sounds like being where you live, in the job you have now is just not working for you anymore. Your are bored and tired and that is no life. Something has got to give. You need some changes - so have a conversation with him and be clear on possible options for him to consider, but that doing nothing different is not one of them.

Greenfairydust · 14/05/2023 14:46

Why do you stay with someone like this?

You only have one life and at the moment it seems to be dictated by your husband.

You don't enjoy your work or where you live and you don't have enough time for your kids or for a social life.

It doesn't sound like a great life and there is no end in sight because your husband is stuck in his way.

I personally would leave with the kids and transform your life.

Sometimes loving someone is not enough if all they do is drag you down and prevent you on a daily basis from having the life that would make you happy.

You are allowing your husband to control everything you do. It is not a healthy, happy relationship.

TeenLifeMum · 14/05/2023 14:46

This makes me sad. Recently things were hard for me and giving up my well paid job was an option dh put on the table. It would have meant moving to a cheaper home and making sacrifices re holidays etc but dh would move heaven and earth for me if I asked him. There’s supporting each other’s dreams and being practical. I’ve been practical on this occasion because chasing dreams would negatively impact on my whole family, but that was my decision and if I said I wanted it, we would have figured it out and made those sacrifices.

if I announced I wanted to move to Australia, I’m not saying dh would say yes immediately but he’d say okay let’s look at how that would work and we’d be totally open with each other.

itsrainin · 14/05/2023 14:50

Mirabai · 14/05/2023 14:28

I’m trying to work out what career opportunity could only come around once or twice like Halley’s comet.

Even if that’s closed, there must be other possibilities?

Show quote history

odd, isn’t it?

Something like a starring role in a film or TV show could be “once in a lifetime” as that exact role wouldn’t present again, but that isn’t necessarily something that would be realistic to do once you retire as OP mentioned

Mirabai · 14/05/2023 14:50

SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 14:33

I have suggested some places. The job I currently have I could do anywhere in the world (partly why he likes me having it I l think! It's an in demand job and I'll never be out of work). I asked where he can go to do his line if work. I looked into areas, houses etc.. in the UK. There is a country abroad which is English speaking, good schools, my particular job pays v v well there so our standard of living, even if he was out of work, would be better than it is now. Sports clubs (and better than our current ones) on the door step. Lifestyle.my children would enjoy (they r sporty, this is an area with lots of outdoor sports) I do understand not emigrating. It's a massive thing! but moving within the UK is not so scary - we could move nearer (not next to!!! Definitely not next to!!) his parents, siblings... we could definitely downsize and even get a house the same size but for half the price. I do think we could have a much better standard of living if we lived elsewhere. His opinion is we've worked hard to get where we are so shouldn't jack it in. My view is that yes we have worked hard. But I can't keep working a million hours a week any longer. I am knackered. :)

I take the point that moving is a big thing. I could make suggestions for smaller things we can change. Maybe I'm being unreasonable suggesting moving. But I guess the point of the thread was that I'd just been reflecting on the big things in my life over the years we've been together and thinking that on all the big things, his view has prevailed.

(Re children - I don't want another child now! That time has passed. I'm too old! And my youngest is yr5 now. It was a decision we (he) made several years ago after DH 2. I don't ever mention it now. I know this kind of decision always needs to be a joint one. It's just it's one of several big decisions that ended up in his favour not mine! Like moving, and changing career! I have never said no to him (and am leaning this may be part of my current problem and apparant mid life crisis!)

Show quote history

So he’s more conservative and afraid of change than you are.

I don’t think moving is a big deal. Even moving countries isn’t that big a deal - some people move around a lot for their careers.

It sounds as if he views moving/downsizing as some kind of defeat or admission of failure - you use the term “jack it in” - which I don’t think it is - it’s a modification to suit your lifestyle.

He seems quite rigid in his dream of this area and this house and won’t consider you have other dreams - a different area, a better work life balance.

You mentioned moving near his family - where are yours?

itwasntmetho · 14/05/2023 14:50

I feel sad for your situation but also because when you are smelling the coffee you diagnose yourself as having a mid life crisis.

You’re dismissing your own valid feelings, that is not some kind of episode you’re having, you have realised that factually you compromise everything for a selfish man who doesn’t appreciate it but whines as if he’s losing.

Perspectivo · 14/05/2023 14:57

What a horrible atmosphere for your children to grow up in.

Perspectivo · 14/05/2023 14:58

But he is your “soul mate” and gives “good hugs” so who gives a fig about the children?!

Perspectivo · 14/05/2023 14:59

w. It was a decision we (he) made several years ago after DH 2. I don't ever mention it now. I know this kind of decision always needs to be a joint one. It's just it's one of several big decisions that ended up in his favour not mine!

and a good job too if you’re both on your knees with tiredness and your youngest is 10

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/05/2023 14:59

Bloopsie · 14/05/2023 12:34

Why is it in the UK 3 kids is a lot,1 or 2 is bare Minimum and a sure way to your culture dieing out. 3 is minimum one to replace each parent plus third in case of an accident,not having children etc. Where I come from it is encouraged to have 3+ children and the goverment supports financially families and pays mums salary they got at work until youngest child is 3, 7+ children are considered large families and are celebrated- the goverment sends them thank you letters etc

OP, stop giving in to your husband its your life as well :)

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No 1 or 2 is not bare minimum - less than 2 is average in UK.

Given that 20% of women dont have any kids at all then 3 would be viewed as more unusual.

Its too expensive here. Many people struggle to afford 1 as childcare is more than their wage. Also perhaps women here like their freedom these days and don't like the restrictions that children bring.

Eviebeans · 14/05/2023 15:02

I think it’s odd that you say you feel as if you can be yourself around him yet you clearly can’t and say you never argue as if that is a positive thing when it seems as if you always just do what he wants regardless of what you want

TheOGCCL · 14/05/2023 15:04

I feel like soul mate means someone on your wave length so I'm not sure he can be that, though loving him is a different matter. You seem different characters, he sounds v risk averse whilst you seem more open to new opportunities. Sometimes that kind of opposite works as you can both offset the other, eg the wilder one is made to think before acting and the milder one gets pushed out of their comfort zone. That only works if you are both absorbing from the other, not sure that's the case here.

But I do also think this is classic mid life crisis territory. It's not 100% clear what life goals people in their forties are supposed to be achieving so there's not such a clear road map, and I think a lot of people have 'is this it?' moments. We start to feel the consequences of decisions made in our twenties and thirties. If you enjoy spending time with you husband and the good outweighs the bad then you need to come to terms with him and your relationship and focus more on the positive things, eg a house you own, companionship, (healthy) kids. There's plenty out there that would love some of these things. Always looking at what you don't have is guaranteed to make you feel a bit miserable.

itsmylife7 · 14/05/2023 15:05

Don't get counselling
Don't start being assertive.

Because if you do any of these things he will not like it.

Just stay in your "bubble" with your soul mate !

May sound harsh but it's true OP.

Perspectivo · 14/05/2023 15:06

I suggested other parts of the country (I can work anywhere) or abroad (I could work in most countries). He said no.

and… what about his job?

Mirabai · 14/05/2023 15:07

Eviebeans · 14/05/2023 15:02

I think it’s odd that you say you feel as if you can be yourself around him yet you clearly can’t and say you never argue as if that is a positive thing when it seems as if you always just do what he wants regardless of what you want

Really really good point.

When people say they can be themselves around someone it doesn’t just mean they’re relaxed but that they can express themselves openly and be heard.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/05/2023 15:11

itsrainin · 14/05/2023 14:26

Also why is the career opportunity once in a lifetime? That seems a bit dramatic considering you have the internet at your fingertips

I don't get it either. I can't see OP having answered as yet what this job is.

whatisgoingonintheworld · 14/05/2023 15:13

Can you show him your thread. All the comments including yours. Would he then appreciate how you feel?

TheMilkyWeigh · 14/05/2023 15:13

Natty13 · 14/05/2023 13:00

My sister lives in a country where you get equivalent of about £500 per child every month until the child is 18, parental leave is up to 2 years and can be split however you like - they took a year off each for their DC. The government paid my BIL's salary to his company for the whole year he was off parenting and taking the kids to swimming lessons, parks, museums.

The norm in that country is still only 1 or 2 kids per family. Promoting family life and wanting your citizens to have a happy work life balance isn't "forced breeding" or "sexist".

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“The government” didn’t pay your BIL anything. Other working people did through taxation. Every penny given to him was a penny taking from a hard-working person who was probably struggling to make ends meet. And those who are childless (either by choice or not by choice) are financially punished even more to allow others a taxpayer-funded career in baby making.

I do have to roll my eyes at the ignorance or naivety of those who think “the government” gives people money as if “the government” makes money independently.

Perspectivo · 14/05/2023 15:15

whatisgoingonintheworld · 14/05/2023 15:13

Can you show him your thread. All the comments including yours. Would he then appreciate how you feel?

oh come on

for the vast majority of people, and certainly men, mumsnet means squat all and anonymous posters views means even less

TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 14/05/2023 15:15

Mirabai · 14/05/2023 14:21

It’s interesting the prejudice that the man must be the sensible one.

I see the opposite: DH wants to live in a house they can’t afford, at some distance from clubs and activities, and they have a poor work-life balance, that he continually moans about.

She would like to downsize and achieve a better work-life balance where they’re both less worn down.

He’s the dreamer, she’s the realist.

Sure she has a fantasy of throwing him off so she could make the choices she wants but that’s because he’s very controlling and she has no agency over her own life at the moment.

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Interesting you are claiming prejudice as opposed to different perceptions...

A house they supposedly cant afford.. but another of those notoriously cheap babies. And a worse paying job. Hmm

HerRoyalNotness · 14/05/2023 15:19

arethereanyleftatall · 14/05/2023 12:41

A third kid in case of an accident?!? Thankfully, in 2023, we don't have one in 3 kids dying.
So if every family has at least 3 kids, population of your country will explode pretty damn quickly.

I had three kids at the time, one died. My cousin had three kids one died. My other cousin had three at the time, one died.

that’s just in my family. So yes it does happen, and sometimes people have 1
and some have more and some have none, it balances out

Australia had a campaign when I lived there 1 child to replace each of yourselves and 1
for the country, so 3 in total.

anyway back to the OP. I get it. My H literally said to me as long as he was happy in his work then nothing else matters. Sounds a bit like your H too. Only concerned with themselves and not the family as a whole

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