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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has the life he wants...

277 replies

SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 12:24

I've name changed for this as I love my DH and wouldn't want him to be upset!

But here's the thing...

My DH is exhausted. Our life is hectic and he is always tired and moany. I'm tired too (very) and have suggested many changes which he refuses to make. So I try and just be happy with what we have, given he won't let us change anything! :)

But today I'm a bit down that whenever I suggest something big, he always says no. The life I have is the life he wants (it's not the one I want). But he's the one that moans.

I wanted a third child. He said no. Fair enough - we both have to want it. But ... I kind of missed out. I'd always wanted 3 children :)

I wanted to change career. He said no (not directly, but let his wishes be known) because I have a good salary and he wants it to stay that way.

I wanted to move house. We can't afford where we live. I suggested other parts of the country (I can work anywhere) or abroad (I could work in most countries). He said no.

Yesterday I started dreaming of what life would be like if it was just me and the children and it was lovely! We'd move somewhere gorgeous! I'd get a job I enjoy not earning much! I'd be a chilled mummy and our children would love it (picture maybe living in the countryside, or by a beach, maybe abroad!) ... Back to reality and I have work to do tonight for a deadline tomorrow, a long working week with work into the night. Mounting bills, a moaning DH..

I love my DH and my children adore him, but sometimes it feels like I'd be so much freer and happier with out him as I could follow my own dreams.... (plus I wouldn't have a stressed out man about the house all the time!)

Anyone else ever feel this way?

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 14/05/2023 15:20

We've been together nearly 20 years (I'm mid 40s) and have two children and have pretty much never had an argument.

well if you always capitulate to his wishes, that's probably why you've never argued

GabriellaMontez · 14/05/2023 15:21

You've never had an argument?? You know that's not normal?

Why? Is it because you do everything he tells you to do? Afraid to rock the boat? On eggshells?

Can't imagine why you want to spend your life with someone who doesn't consider your wishes.

TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 14/05/2023 15:21

TheMilkyWeigh · 14/05/2023 15:13

“The government” didn’t pay your BIL anything. Other working people did through taxation. Every penny given to him was a penny taking from a hard-working person who was probably struggling to make ends meet. And those who are childless (either by choice or not by choice) are financially punished even more to allow others a taxpayer-funded career in baby making.

I do have to roll my eyes at the ignorance or naivety of those who think “the government” gives people money as if “the government” makes money independently.

Show quote history

"Probably struggling to make ends meet" come on that's a stretch. Governments support families because without children being born we would have an even more aged population. Who will care for you when you grow old, take over the current workforce?

Cut the crap of childless people being financially punished because the govt support families. Does that make me financially punished because someone has to have gallbladder surgery on NHS? Why should I pay for it? I'm perfectly healthy. Ahhhh yes, because its not all about me and I pay taxes for a reason bigger than myself! Ignorant and naive indeed.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 14/05/2023 15:21

Bloopsie · 14/05/2023 12:54

Yeah after a month mum can change maternity leave to dad but tbh its very rare, breastfeeding is also encouraged and most mums opt to stay at home with their baby, no reason to go back to work as she has the same income she had at work for 3 years- unlike in the Uk where salary is the reason why some mums have to go back as they were high earner.

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So where is this ‘paradise ‘ then?

TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 14/05/2023 15:23

GabriellaMontez · 14/05/2023 15:21

You've never had an argument?? You know that's not normal?

Why? Is it because you do everything he tells you to do? Afraid to rock the boat? On eggshells?

Can't imagine why you want to spend your life with someone who doesn't consider your wishes.

It's normal. I've argued loudly and nastily with every ones of my exes. Never so much as raised my voice at my husband and vice versa. We have a beautiful relationship and have lots of fun. Doesn't mean either of us walk on eggshells, that's a separate issue.

Perspectivo · 14/05/2023 15:24

! In fact I never raise any of this after discussions are had and decisions made.

No, that’s not your style is it OP.

Instead fester on it, feel resentment and start a mumsnet thread about it

Perspectivo · 14/05/2023 15:25

Never had an argument

but also never had a single night away with DH alone

OP, did you have any relationship experience before you got together with your husband? And what was your parents marriage like?

Original poster
SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 15:25

Mirabai · 14/05/2023 14:50

So he’s more conservative and afraid of change than you are.

I don’t think moving is a big deal. Even moving countries isn’t that big a deal - some people move around a lot for their careers.

It sounds as if he views moving/downsizing as some kind of defeat or admission of failure - you use the term “jack it in” - which I don’t think it is - it’s a modification to suit your lifestyle.

He seems quite rigid in his dream of this area and this house and won’t consider you have other dreams - a different area, a better work life balance.

You mentioned moving near his family - where are yours?

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I have a couple of siblings each about 2 hours away. We get on v well, but all have our own lives so don't meet up much. I don't have any other family.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 15:27

Perspectivo · 14/05/2023 15:24

! In fact I never raise any of this after discussions are had and decisions made.

No, that’s not your style is it OP.

Instead fester on it, feel resentment and start a mumsnet thread about it

Sorry! I'm not really festering. Just reflecting. What should I do instead? (Genuinely looking for advice!?)

OP posts:
Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 14/05/2023 15:27

Jesus. Your husband sounds bloody awful.

Original poster
SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 15:29

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 14/05/2023 15:27

Jesus. Your husband sounds bloody awful.

He's really not as bad as I might be making out. He is a good dad and a kind man and he does love me (and I love him). I am probably just only giving my side so I guess that makes him sound worse than he is. Right now he's playing with DC2 and DC love him.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 14/05/2023 15:29

I'd get a job I enjoy not earning much! I'd be a chilled mummy and our children would love it (picture maybe living in the countryside, or by a beach, maybe abroad!

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds as if you live in middle-class la-la land.

Chilled mummy not earning very much? What??? If you earn enough to have a comfortable life as a single mum, you'd actually be earning quite a lot compared to the general population.

This sounds like something from a sun-dappled novel, or the typical fantasies that many middle-class people have of living off the land like romantic faux peasants (without any of the associated hardships or desperation).

I think a lot of people feel frustrated and down if their needs no longer align with their partners, or if their partner is unwilling to be flexible or compromise on anything, but please prepare yourself as your post comes across like someone who's lived a very comfortable and sheltered life so far.

Perspectivo · 14/05/2023 15:29

SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 15:27

Sorry! I'm not really festering. Just reflecting. What should I do instead? (Genuinely looking for advice!?)

Show quote history

Accept your marriage is unhealthy and address it

or

Continue as you are. Unhappy and resentful. A DH feeling like his wife constantly wants to make big changes (zero mention of your children and how happy in home and area they are) and ultimately a profoundly unhappy family but kidding themselves because they don’t argue - it’s lovely

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 14/05/2023 15:30

billy1966 · 14/05/2023 13:31

OP,

He is absolutely not your soul mate.

You are so deluded.

He cares not a whit for your happiness and blocks everything you suggest.

You are going to have another conversatiom with him but expect to be told no to anything you suggest, yet AGAIN.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and ring Women's aid for a chat.

This lovely, kind man is absolutely controlling you completely and you are walking around in denial.

You most likely are depressed from suppression of so much of your wants and needs being completely ignored.

Fear is what keeps you with him.

Get some counselling to figure out why you are so afraid.

Bit over the top, IMHO

Original poster
SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 15:30

EarthSight · 14/05/2023 15:29

I'd get a job I enjoy not earning much! I'd be a chilled mummy and our children would love it (picture maybe living in the countryside, or by a beach, maybe abroad!

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds as if you live in middle-class la-la land.

Chilled mummy not earning very much? What??? If you earn enough to have a comfortable life as a single mum, you'd actually be earning quite a lot compared to the general population.

This sounds like something from a sun-dappled novel, or the typical fantasies that many middle-class people have of living off the land like romantic faux peasants (without any of the associated hardships or desperation).

I think a lot of people feel frustrated and down if their needs no longer align with their partners, or if their partner is unwilling to be flexible or compromise on anything, but please prepare yourself as your post comes across like someone who's lived a very comfortable and sheltered life so far.

Trust me, while my adult life since age 30 has been comfortable compared to many, my childhood most certainly was anything but.

OP posts:
Perspectivo · 14/05/2023 15:31

SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 15:29

He's really not as bad as I might be making out. He is a good dad and a kind man and he does love me (and I love him). I am probably just only giving my side so I guess that makes him sound worse than he is. Right now he's playing with DC2 and DC love him.

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I don’t think he’s “bad”

I think he’s unhappy and I think you’re unhappy but because neither seem keen to actually talk…. The situation gets worse

Perspectivo · 14/05/2023 15:32

my childhood most certainly was anything but.

I am not least bit surprised

You think no arguing is a sign of a good marriage. You think not addressing things and instead feeling resentment for years is better than talking

Original poster
SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 15:35

Perspectivo · 14/05/2023 15:29

Accept your marriage is unhealthy and address it

or

Continue as you are. Unhappy and resentful. A DH feeling like his wife constantly wants to make big changes (zero mention of your children and how happy in home and area they are) and ultimately a profoundly unhappy family but kidding themselves because they don’t argue - it’s lovely

Show quote history

My children are very happy. They are the centre of my world and the centre of DHs world. I love them to bits and always will and they both know how loved they are. We devote ourselves entirely to our children. We take them to all the activities they want to do, we love spending time reading with them at night. Right now I'm picking DS1 up from his sport club (well siting in car waiting for him actually!) We r far from perfect, but loving our kids and ensuring their happiness is something we are both certainly firmly on the same page about.

OP posts:
Perspectivo · 14/05/2023 15:36

I don’t doubt you and your dh love your children

but they are not young. 10 being your youngest. As time goes they will become very aware of fact that parents don’t seem happy

Notjustabrunette · 14/05/2023 15:37

Bloopsie · 14/05/2023 12:34

Why is it in the UK 3 kids is a lot,1 or 2 is bare Minimum and a sure way to your culture dieing out. 3 is minimum one to replace each parent plus third in case of an accident,not having children etc. Where I come from it is encouraged to have 3+ children and the goverment supports financially families and pays mums salary they got at work until youngest child is 3, 7+ children are considered large families and are celebrated- the goverment sends them thank you letters etc

OP, stop giving in to your husband its your life as well :)

Show quote history

Because the world is already over populated and many would see having more than two as selfish?

Stompythedinosaur · 14/05/2023 15:38

I'm pretty sure someone's "soulmate" wouldn't expect to make all major decisions about their shared life without consideration for their wishes and wellbeing. Maybe shelf that as a narrative.

I do think you are maybe being a bit unrealistic about your dreams - life on a smaller budget that you are used to in a cheaper area may not be the dream you are imagining. There are all sorts of potential hurdles in moving - disrupting the dc's friendships, losing support networks and so on. That isn't to say it is impossible, just might not be the happy ideal you are imagining, when you discover your dc are struggling to break into established friendship groups and the neighbours aren't friendly because you haven't lived in a rural community for 72 years so are an "outsider".

Also, while your dh didn't encourage you to go for the job you wanted, it doesn't sound like he stopped you, so maybe some of your regret is also with your own choices? I think "dream job" is about as helpful a narrative as "soulmate" - it romanticised something that isn't really there. The job wouldn't have been perfect, no job is perfect.

But the thing that stands out is that maybe you have no arguments because you give way to your dh all the time. That's clearly the first change you need to make. Time for a conversation about your needs.

loislovesstewie · 14/05/2023 15:38

OK, so apart from fantasizing about living by yourself and your kids being happy about it, because some of this does come across as a fantasy, what would make you happy today? Do you want more time to do a hobby? Do you want date nights with your DH? What about another job? Why can't you tell your DH that you fancy retraining or whatever? Do you think he is happy?
There are so many questions, it's finding the answer, isn't it?

arethereanyleftatall · 14/05/2023 15:43

I'm afraid op, that revolving your lives around your children is not healthy at all. All your happiness rests on theirs, so that's enormous pressure for children. Kindly, you are your husband need to get a life! Literally. It'll be better for your children.

Nanananananana99 · 14/05/2023 15:45

You’ve answered your own question; in the U.K. the government doesn’t support the third or any subsequent other children. An society has decided that women need to do everything for the child and household while still being at he top of their profession 🙄 It’s all very unfeasible.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/05/2023 15:46

arethereanyleftatall · 14/05/2023 15:43

I'm afraid op, that revolving your lives around your children is not healthy at all. All your happiness rests on theirs, so that's enormous pressure for children. Kindly, you are your husband need to get a life! Literally. It'll be better for your children.

@SadAboutItToday

this op!

in a few years your kids might leave and be off to uni and then it’ll just be you and your husband…