DH has the life he wants...

[SadAboutItToday]

I've name changed for this as I love my DH and wouldn't want him to be upset!

But here's the thing...

My DH is exhausted. Our life is hectic and he is always tired and moany. I'm tired too (very) and have suggested many changes which he refuses to make. So I try and just be happy with what we have, given he won't let us change anything! :)

But today I'm a bit down that whenever I suggest something big, he always says no. The life I have is the life he wants (it's not the one I want). But he's the one that moans.

I wanted a third child. He said no. Fair enough - we both have to want it. But ... I kind of missed out. I'd always wanted 3 children :)

I wanted to change career. He said no (not directly, but let his wishes be known) because I have a good salary and he wants it to stay that way.

I wanted to move house. We can't afford where we live. I suggested other parts of the country (I can work anywhere) or abroad (I could work in most countries). He said no.

Yesterday I started dreaming of what life would be like if it was just me and the children and it was lovely! We'd move somewhere gorgeous! I'd get a job I enjoy not earning much! I'd be a chilled mummy and our children would love it (picture maybe living in the countryside, or by a beach, maybe abroad!) ... Back to reality and I have work to do tonight for a deadline tomorrow, a long working week with work into the night. Mounting bills, a moaning DH..

I love my DH and my children adore him, but sometimes it feels like I'd be so much freer and happier with out him as I could follow my own dreams.... (plus I wouldn't have a stressed out man about the house all the time!)

Anyone else ever feel this way?

He won’t let you change your job as he likes your high hours and high pay, he won’t let you have another child/sell the house you can’t afford/travel/move somewhere cheaper…

And he has you afraid to confront him, afraid to tell him your real feelings, afraid to ask for anything you want because he just says no.

Yeah, I think he sounds bloody awful.

Your children will know you are unhappy. Those little things like you not having a 3rd child, not moving, not changing careers because dad said so and him moaning when he has got what he wanted are death by a 1000 cuts.
They will pick up the tension even when you think it is imperceptible
(I used to know what mood my mother was in by hearing the sound of the vacuum cleaner.) Sometimes she was happy and sometimes depressed and all hell was about to kick off. To anyone else they couldn’t tell the difference but I could.

You have one life and to live it imprisoned by someone who even when he shuts you down every time you want something and he gets the final say on everything and won’t allow you to be you and still isn’t happy is quite frankly a waste of both your lives.

On your death bed do you really want to look back and think I wish I had done what I wanted and lived the life I wanted and not the life someone else wanted who even when you gave him everything was still miserable. Believe me when I say ypu do not want to get to retirement and find you have to be on this man’s company 24/7. As men age what ever bothers you now will get worse and his misery will drag you down

I think the OP just hasn't pushed her agenda.

@SadAboutItToday have you actually stood your ground ever and said firmly, "this is what I want to do"? It sounds to me that your husband makes the decisions and you just roll over and accept it.

He may not have been happy for you to go for the 'dream job' - but I think you were also afraid to take the risk and that's why you allowed yourself to be persuaded out of it.

I think a lot of posters are massively overreacting. You've given us such a very small snapshot of how your life together is. Does he do his share of the driving the kids around? Does he pull his weight in the household?

Re moving house - I think it's silly to stay in a house that needs a lot of work done when you're not likely to have the means to pay for that work to be done! At least that would take some of the financial pressure off. It sounds like you're existing rather than enjoying life - and it's short, so you need to be in a space where you can be happy. You're not happy, and you need to change that.

I don't have time to read the whole thread right now but it sounds like the mistake you have made is to believe he is so wonderful that you must bend to his will. You don't need his permission to change jobs, sure as a partnership you should talk these things through but ultimately it should be about finding compromise that makes you both happy. If you are unable to do that, or one person is always sacrificing their wishes then you aren't a partnership.

@Astralitzia I agree with you. Perhaps OP and her DH currently have financial commitments that require them to maintain current careers

OP, be careful what you wish for. I expect many people have the occasional daydream about eg how the house would becomes much quieter if their DH moved out. But the grass isn't always greener

sounds like a miserable existence op. when there's no arguments it means someone is always giving in.
it doesn't help you having no social life, what will you do when the kids have their own life, from secondary school?
you need to get out more.

You are a passenger in your own life. You need to be able to achieve some personal goals or joys, not just letting your DH and children have theirs.
You meed to communicate properly with your DH about what you want and why so you can take steps to achieve them. Don't waste the time you have with your children by being unfulfilled as it will lead to resentment in the end.

He didn't stop you getting the job though, you chose not to. Just as he gave his reasons, you should have given yours and stuck to it.
He's used to you going with whatever he says and you need to stand up for yourself more.
Giving good hugs isn't something to write home about in the grand scheme of things.
There's still time for you to make the changes that serve you both.
Being in a marriage is about compromise but it sounds like you do all the compromising and then blaming him for it.

What's the career you have always wanted, and what's the opportunity you didn't take?

My experience is that when one amazing opportunity comes along, then another similar one is fairly likely to come along soon. Simply because the circumstances which led to the first opportunity are still there. Maybe you could arrange things so that this time you can take it.

@Bloopsie just renewed my passport and dying to know where this fertile utopia is?!

OP, will the career that you have always wanted allows you to support your children in the way that they serve to be supported?

I don't think he loves you like you love him.

He loves having the ideal life for him and doesn't care what you want. You facilitate this.

Not having an argument just indicates you are a doormat and that he is dominant. Unhealthy marriage really.

If that's enough for you and you're happy that your life won't be about what you want then carry on.

@masterblaster
In reality there are very few things that a partner can prevent another adult from doing. He or she may say"I will leave if you do that, " but I reality that is them just stating their boundary. Ultimately it is the OP who gets to decide what she is going to do. It is unfair to say that someone prohibits you from doing that which it is not within their ability to prevent. Not supporting you is not the same as preventing you.

Thr country is definitely NOT Bulgaria. I am Bulgarian.

Because tge Re are 8 billion people on the planet, 95% of terrestrial land animals are. Humans, their livestock and pets. 5% is 'wildlife'

2 kids is enough, one to replace each of you, one mapped to each adult and no third child who's nobodies child! Or worse 4th, 5th, 6th child. Get a grip. No wonder we can't live within tge environments needs....

Some of this does seem very unreasonable.
As an exercise, how would he describe the situation if he were to write?

I feel like he's keeping me in this life that I don't like

OPhe isn't stopping you, you have free will. You are obeying him. That's your call but you then can't mean about it.

Your life, your choice irrespective if you choose what you want to do or not.

Marriage is supposed to be about compromise. Your husband is a selfish prick who's only thinking about himself! He should be your ex husband because he clearly doesn't love or respect you.

Errrrrm.....both partners do have to make a joint decision re children and it is our cultural norm here not to have more than two children. As a childless person - someone did once say to me that they could have "my two" I could have had on top of their own two - and they were actually serious. My response was "I've chosen to use my 'ration' of two I could have had for replacement to bring our population down by two - as we're overpopulated - so you can't use MY ration, as I already have (ie in that way)".

I think there are lots of things you can do to improve your quality of life. First off, set up a regular weekend lunch or dinner with your siblings. Find somewhere you can all get to every two or three months or if that is impossible, organise a couple of weekends away with them every year. Take the initiative and make it happen. Organise an occasional night out with your friends. Again, take the initiative and make it happen. If you can’t fit it round the kids’ activities, say “this is important to me” and the kids will have to miss a club to allow me to do it. If you don’t have a hobby, organise to take a book to the park or a lovely coffee shop by yourself or go for a walk on your own. Just carve out an hour or so a week and stick to it. Do one thing a week just for you. You are the one who has to make the changes to improve your life. You’re not going to have a third baby, and you are not going to have the dream job but can you start looking at career options that won’t leave you so knackered? You sound like you work in an “in demand” job with lots of geographic flexibility. Is there a better one? Set strict boundaries with work. You’ll become more efficient and less ground down if it doesn’t consume your whole like. Make some personal changes - to your hair, your wardrobe or your fitness. Just changing things up will show your DH you mean it and will get you out of a rut. Finally, organise some date nights. Find a sitter. Go to the cinema. Go out to dinner or just organise a sleepover for the kids at friends and have a candle lit dinner in with good wine and music. Ask your DH over dinner how he thinks you could make your dream job happen if not now, in future. He might have some ideas. Volunteering in a related field, perhaps? Upending kids when they are settled at school is not easy so the house move may not be the panacea you believe. This phase won’t last. You’ll be through it before you know it. Soon you will have lots of time on your own with your husband. If he really is your soulmate, start making the marriage less of of a hollowed out husk and more of a real marriage now. Marriage takes a lot of work and time to keep it fresh and fun. It needs future-proofing. If none of these efforts work or your DH is completely impervious, it might be time to consider cutting loose. You probably still have at least half your life to live. You really don’t want to end up bitter and regretful. Good luck ✨

I think you just need to start putting yourself first. He either comes with you or gets left behind.

Say what you've said in this post op.

'Dh I've supported your career changes in the past, I've even offered to support you through MSc, so now it's my turn. You poo poo'd me moving carers some time ago, but this is now your turn to support me. I'll be looking for another job etc etc. if he says it's too much of a risk due to your outgoings tell him it's time you moved then. Start to put your foot down op and go for what you want.

Hi. I feel this post so much. I too am so frustrated and I do NOT have the life I want. My husband is very settled and does not want to move etc. He has a good job and takes trips with work. I hate that about the role. I have no desire to have his job, just wish he wouldnt always put me last. I dont think he means to be like this, he has become so selfish over time and cannot see it. I have spoken to him. i have bawled my eyes out and he still ignores it. I dont want to live apart, i just thought that as our children became adults, he would want to spend time with me. But it seems not.

Of course you don't argue. He says no and not give in. That's not healthy and as you're now finding leads to resentment.
I'm sure he does give good cuddles. He must be experienced in comforting you as he constantly denies you anything you want.
I don't see what he's bringing to your life except stress and misery. Tell him you want to move. Tell him it would make you happy. If he still says no ask him why your happiness is not important. His answer will tell you everything you need to know.

Does he pays fairly for the family life?

The saddest part of the OP's post is that she thinks someone so selfish and focused 100% on getting what HE wants, whilst ensuring she is a constant family workhorse, is her SOULMATE.

THAT is really sad.