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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a dumpable offence?! AIBU or is he?!

289 replies

Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 00:38

Bit of background context here before the story begins -

This is my house, I pay 100% of the mortgage and bills. But he stays occasionally, sometimes a lot.

We’ve had a really lovely day with my DC (not his, he has no kids), I was really tired after a whole day out so went up to bed around 9ish. He stayed downstairs to watch Eurovision (each to their own and all that). Anyway he comes bursting into the bedroom waking me up at 11 saying the TV is messing up he NEEDS to watch the rest of it in the bedroom! He knows I don’t sleep well if TV is on in background, never have never will. Really quite insistent and panicky that he must watch the rest as he loves Eurovision and desperate pleas to watch it in the bedroom, I go and get in my DCs bottom bunk, now I’m still awake in bottom bunk while he is asleep in MY bed and I am LIVID!!! To me, this is another example of him being a bit of a selfish brat - there are other examples I mean another is only this week - he drops his car off at garage I collect him and he is absolutely fuming 1 of my kids is in the front seat - the garage is a few min drive from mine - who the bloody hell cares if you have to sit in the back of a car for few minutes?!

Anyway, I just wouldn’t do that to someone? If I was that bothered I’d watch it on my bloody phone downstairs and let my DP sleep!! I sometimes wonder if because he has never had children, he’s never had to put anybody else above himself which is why he can be a bit of a brat?! Although he was married before.

I had been on my own for a few years previous to this relationship, so I’m unsure if I’m being unreasonable or he is?!!

OP posts:
Hellno45 · 15/05/2023 19:14

You don't need a reason to dump him. If your not happy that's enough of a reason.

anastaisia · 15/05/2023 19:14

If it was a genuine one off - the TV stopping working during a live event he really enjoys so he wants to switch to the working TV in your room then I don’t think it would be a relationship ending issue.

But you’ve said it’s not a one off but actually a pattern of thoughtless behaviour. You aren’t tied together with shared kids, or even shared property, so if it’s not what you want you don’t need any stronger reasons to end it. It’s okay to say things have changed and this isn’t working for me anymore.

Æthelred · 15/05/2023 19:17

Your kids would have picked up on the bad vibes in the car. Get rid of him.

dcthatsme · 15/05/2023 20:32

Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 07:55

@Queenofheart see this is it, no one will ever be more important than my DC. We were such a strong happy unit just the 4 of us for a long time and I think I want that back, I can’t deal with the behaviour it’s hard enough having 1 teenager to deal with I can’t cope with 2.

@Beatendownmum the problem is your teenaged DC will grow up but perhaps your DP won't

Thinkingpod · 15/05/2023 20:44

Oh hell no.

No straight man is THAT in to eurovision.

Redragtoabull · 15/05/2023 20:44

This is starting to be controlling behaviour, the fact that you are even doubting if you are right or wrong is the start. Get rid hun ... asap! Good Luck

Ilovecleaning · 15/05/2023 21:12

You already have serious doubts OP which is why you have started this thread. Sounds like you’ve had enough. He will only get worse. Get rid of him. Good luck.

Dillydollydingdong · 15/05/2023 21:17

He's still just a child, isn't he? Me, me, me...

Sarahtm35 · 15/05/2023 21:19

Doesn’t sound like you’re well suited tbh.
you’re a hardworking mum who likes an early night (quite rightfully so) and he’s immature.
I don’t think there’s a future between you dump him.

GoodEnough1 · 15/05/2023 21:21

If he is going to spend a lot of time in your home your kids deserve better. Ditch him it will only get worse.

Atishoos · 15/05/2023 21:23

What attracted you to this man initially?

Without being homophobic, seriously I am not one, but men watching Eurovision screams one thing at me anyway.

Clarabell77 · 15/05/2023 21:32

Get rid asap.

8-9 months he should still be trying to win you over and impress you. If this is what he’s like now what will he be like when he’s got his feet properly under the table.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/05/2023 21:34

I think if you love him and want to be with him, you should go to therapy to explore why you’re not able to set boundaries with him and then you get bitter and resentful- if you don’t dump him over these issues and if nothing changes, at some point I think he’ll leave as he’ll think you’ve changed and you’re no fun anymore.

Timetotellyou · 15/05/2023 21:37

The fact he watches the Eurovision would of given me the "ick" on its own, but to act panicked about missing it, I'm cringing 😬

Your kids come first, I wouldn't ask my child to move for a man that's just a boyfriend (and the "wtf make him move comment", I'd have drove off without him) ... get rid, he's dead weight, like you said yourself, you had a good strong family bond the four of you and you miss that, get it back and send him on his way. Your an strong independent woman and mother, you have got you shit together, your worth gold.. why are you settling ??

Crystaltipsvariation · 15/05/2023 21:41

Please get away from this dreadful man now. There are so many red flags in your message. How must it seem to your children to be criticised for sitting in the front seat of their mothers car by someone to whom they have no obligation and you are doing a favour. He sounds to have no boundaries and no respect for you. You deserve way better.

Timetotellyou · 15/05/2023 21:46

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/05/2023 21:34

I think if you love him and want to be with him, you should go to therapy to explore why you’re not able to set boundaries with him and then you get bitter and resentful- if you don’t dump him over these issues and if nothing changes, at some point I think he’ll leave as he’ll think you’ve changed and you’re no fun anymore.

Ew why are you blaming her for his shitty behavior?? Honestly, it's not her job to parent this man she has 4 kids already send him home to his mammy for that.
Stop telling women it's their own fault for not setting boundaries when men are the reason women have to spell stupid obvious shit out. Nobody has ever had to tell me I can't barge into their room while they slept and guilt them into leaving so I could watch some shit singing competition. That is not a boundary that should need to be discussed that just common decency. Tell me how many times have friends/family/ex's had to sit you down and spell out that that kind of behavior is not acceptable? Im sure rhe answer is zero, you knew not to do it with out somone "setting that boundary" .. fucking mental..He isn't a dog chewing a slipper, he's a grown man that should know by now how to treat other humans with respect.

Urgsleepmoresleep · 15/05/2023 21:49

you need to set boundaries. My DP is great but he can be selfish with his time and needs if I let him.

I set boundaries first time he did something like that. He knows not to ask.

randomfemthinker · 15/05/2023 21:55

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable and that the issue deeper within over it is that you have children and he doesn't so in ways, it doesn't match or feel like it does right now. You were exhausted and needed sleep at 9pm over Eurovision, which is fair enough and you ended up not really getting that rest as he was wanting to watch the end of it on TV, which was fair enough too on a Saturday night unless you had to be awake early yourself over shift work on Sunday. Maybe you both could have chatted between you over him using his phone to watch downstairs? I think he massively over reacted over kid in front seat over a short car ride and all leads back to the core of the issue, you have kids and he doesn't. I don't see how who owns the house has anything to do with it really. He's spending time with you and should feel equal over him visiting.

graysquirrel · 15/05/2023 21:56

Sorry no sympathy. It was Eurovision.

AfraidToRun · 15/05/2023 22:02

"there are other examples" - all you need to know

TeenLifeMum · 15/05/2023 22:04

Dh pays more into our home than me because he earns more… he still wouldn’t wake me because he’s not a dick! (And life is better for us all when I’ve had sleep!)

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 15/05/2023 22:11

The bedtime invasion-He had no right to burst into your room and wake you so he can watch tv. He should have watched on his phone or left to go watch the game elsewhere.

The car-Your kid should have got in the back backseat to begin with.

Wherewherewhere · 15/05/2023 22:14

The question for you to answer and seriously think about is why didn't you just say NO when he said he wanted to watch television in the bedroom?

Why not?

Truestorypeeps · 15/05/2023 22:26

Clarabell77 · 15/05/2023 21:32

Get rid asap.

8-9 months he should still be trying to win you over and impress you. If this is what he’s like now what will he be like when he’s got his feet properly under the table.

Spot on!! It doesn't bear thinking about (if this is his good behaviour), does it?!

Strawberrydelight78 · 15/05/2023 22:37

Arsehole and he's not took your dc into consideration. Does he contribute to anything? food etc?

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