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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a dumpable offence?! AIBU or is he?!

289 replies

Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 00:38

Bit of background context here before the story begins -

This is my house, I pay 100% of the mortgage and bills. But he stays occasionally, sometimes a lot.

We’ve had a really lovely day with my DC (not his, he has no kids), I was really tired after a whole day out so went up to bed around 9ish. He stayed downstairs to watch Eurovision (each to their own and all that). Anyway he comes bursting into the bedroom waking me up at 11 saying the TV is messing up he NEEDS to watch the rest of it in the bedroom! He knows I don’t sleep well if TV is on in background, never have never will. Really quite insistent and panicky that he must watch the rest as he loves Eurovision and desperate pleas to watch it in the bedroom, I go and get in my DCs bottom bunk, now I’m still awake in bottom bunk while he is asleep in MY bed and I am LIVID!!! To me, this is another example of him being a bit of a selfish brat - there are other examples I mean another is only this week - he drops his car off at garage I collect him and he is absolutely fuming 1 of my kids is in the front seat - the garage is a few min drive from mine - who the bloody hell cares if you have to sit in the back of a car for few minutes?!

Anyway, I just wouldn’t do that to someone? If I was that bothered I’d watch it on my bloody phone downstairs and let my DP sleep!! I sometimes wonder if because he has never had children, he’s never had to put anybody else above himself which is why he can be a bit of a brat?! Although he was married before.

I had been on my own for a few years previous to this relationship, so I’m unsure if I’m being unreasonable or he is?!!

OP posts:
BonnieBobbin · 14/05/2023 10:56

It's not really about 'offences'. It's about the fact you don't work as a couple and you (understandably) don't sound as though you like him.

Like a PP, I'd expect DCs to sit in the back if I was giving an adult a lift. I'd be a bit bemused by the Eurovision incident but I wouldn't have got out of my bed. Moving bed would have woken me up more. But I also wouldn't stay the night with someone who says they need to go to bed at 9pm.

Swearing at me (over the car seat incident) isn't something I'd tolerate.

TheInterceptor · 14/05/2023 10:59

Please make a better choice next time. For your children's sakes.

willWillSmithsmith · 14/05/2023 11:13

Please OP can I have him, he sounds such a prize. I hope there isn’t a queue of salivating women in front of me hoping to get him before I do as he sounds so wonderful - how could any woman not want him! Or alternatively, yes for heaven’s sake dump him!

cloudchaos · 14/05/2023 11:14

@CabernetSauvignon yes I probably did miss that, but it makes me wonder even more why she had him stay over!

ChrisPPancake · 14/05/2023 11:15

I was watching Eurovision last night in bed (on a tablet) when dh came in. He watched with me for a bit then said "I'm sorry, I've got an early start tomorrow, would you mind putting headphones on to watch to the end?" So I did, and he went to sleep and snored like a fucking warthog

I know in our case the roles are reversed, but there's no way he'd have asked me to get up and go somewhere else. I can't believe your partner expected you to @Beatendownmum or that you would tbh! He needs to jog on.

philautia · 14/05/2023 11:47

But you're not putting your children first when he saw your child in the front seat and said "what the fuck? Tell him to move". Even just ignoring that statement would be putting your partner first. I would have driven off and left him.

You can't just say you put your kids first if you are going to stay with this pathetic man, letting him into their lives. You are not putting them first until you end it.

BravoMyDear · 14/05/2023 11:54

Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 07:55

@Queenofheart see this is it, no one will ever be more important than my DC. We were such a strong happy unit just the 4 of us for a long time and I think I want that back, I can’t deal with the behaviour it’s hard enough having 1 teenager to deal with I can’t cope with 2.

There’s your answer. Get rid of him, he sounds like a dick anyway.

Evaka · 14/05/2023 12:33

Oh hell no. Get rid.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 14/05/2023 12:34

’what the fuck? tell him to move’

Wow. Nice guy. Get him gone.

girlfriend44 · 14/05/2023 12:36

People don't go about things in the right way do they?
All sounds abrasive and nasty.

No banter, no lovingness, could have even made a joke of child being in the front seat or abit of banter.

Makes life easier. Too much aggressiveness here.

MzHz · 14/05/2023 12:44

Waking you up is bad. Game over for that level of selfishness

however the what the fuck, tell him to move is worse. That’s a drive off without him and don’t even look in the rear view mirror.

he’s got to go. It’s not you being weird, it’s him being awful.

alwaysmovingforwards · 14/05/2023 13:05

Hmmm sounds like he's no longer considers himself a guest in your house... I'm getting early onset cocklodger vibes tbh.

Murdoch1949 · 15/05/2023 01:43

Absolute tosser. Saying that in front of your child, totally unacceptable. The TV thing is out of order too. Bin him.

suburbophobe · 15/05/2023 01:59

Gee, what a surprise this prince among men is divorced!

To be fair, loads of people are divorced. Usually means they won't put up with shit, which is a good thing.

OP, he sounds like someone who hasn't progressed past puberty.

I'm divorced and it's glorious not having to put up with shit men. Especially when children are involved.

Solo life has a lot of things going for it. Especially while bringing up children.

EllandRd · 15/05/2023 02:51

Equalitea · 14/05/2023 07:15

I can understand that he’d want to watch the end of a programme he loves but why didn’t he go home? Is there a reason he couldn’t watch it on his phone?

I can also understand why he wouldn’t want to get in the back of the car, eg if he’s tall and there’s not much room, if it’s a mess from the kids, also if you knew he was getting in then why didn’t DC go in the back? Did he have to sit next to a DC? Is DC safe/tall/old enough to go in the front? Maybe I’m wrong but I do always prioritise adults in the front seat, I will also often give up my front seat (even if DH is driving my car) and give it to an older/taller/bigger person than I am if we’ve offered the lift etc.

Maybe it’s a generational thing but I always saw the same growing up and thought it was about respect/offering guest the most comfortable position, I’d say that in our circle we all do similar and my children all do too.

It's just you, it's her car 🙄

Catsmere · 15/05/2023 03:05

To be fair, loads of people are divorced. Usually means they won't put up with shit, which is a good thing.

Yes, and he’s one of the ones whose shit (or who is the shit) someone else shouldn’t have to put up with.

piedbeauty · 15/05/2023 05:31

If anyone I was giving a lift to greeted me with 'what the fuck? tell him to move’, I'd tell him to fuck off and leave him where he was. Horribly rude. I'd bin him just for that.

Selfish, rude man-child.

Re your relationship and him staying over so much, I hope he pays his fair share for food and so on, and doesn't expect you to cook for him every time? 🤔

piedbeauty · 15/05/2023 05:32

alwaysmovingforwards · 14/05/2023 13:05

Hmmm sounds like he's no longer considers himself a guest in your house... I'm getting early onset cocklodger vibes tbh.

Yep.

jeaux90 · 15/05/2023 06:48

Lone parent here too, there is absolutely no way I would put up with this shit.

I have a partner too now, we don't live together but if he pulled any of that stupid behaviour it would be over.

Massive red flags. He puts himself first every time. Including you and your kids.

Pukkapalm · 15/05/2023 18:15

Too many red flags from him-get rid! You and your children are worth more.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 15/05/2023 18:15

He sounds like he needs to grow up. You don't need a man-child, they're harder work than actual children. And to say ffs in front of your kids?? Why didn't you dump him there and then & let him walk home? As for the tv incident - wth?? Eurovision. Really?
You don't need him. You don't need a man. Your kids don't need him, nor do they need a man in their lives.
You are enough.
Move on.

user1472151176 · 15/05/2023 18:22

Dump him. It won't get better.

Zombiemama84 · 15/05/2023 18:24

“What the fuck tell him to move”? I would have made him walk home who does he think he is? Does he usually talk about your children like that? I would NEVER wake someone up in their own home because a shitty programme on tv got cut off. Sounds like you have 4 kids

scotvic · 15/05/2023 18:59

oh, no, no, no! He sounds like a selfish, rude, freeloader. You owe it to your kids if not to yourself, to get rid!

Daisybuttercup12345 · 15/05/2023 19:00

Pixiedust1234 · 14/05/2023 00:48

So it's your house and your car but his rules?

Yeah, no thanks. Either tell him no or tell him bye.

Exactly this.