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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a dumpable offence?! AIBU or is he?!

289 replies

Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 00:38

Bit of background context here before the story begins -

This is my house, I pay 100% of the mortgage and bills. But he stays occasionally, sometimes a lot.

We’ve had a really lovely day with my DC (not his, he has no kids), I was really tired after a whole day out so went up to bed around 9ish. He stayed downstairs to watch Eurovision (each to their own and all that). Anyway he comes bursting into the bedroom waking me up at 11 saying the TV is messing up he NEEDS to watch the rest of it in the bedroom! He knows I don’t sleep well if TV is on in background, never have never will. Really quite insistent and panicky that he must watch the rest as he loves Eurovision and desperate pleas to watch it in the bedroom, I go and get in my DCs bottom bunk, now I’m still awake in bottom bunk while he is asleep in MY bed and I am LIVID!!! To me, this is another example of him being a bit of a selfish brat - there are other examples I mean another is only this week - he drops his car off at garage I collect him and he is absolutely fuming 1 of my kids is in the front seat - the garage is a few min drive from mine - who the bloody hell cares if you have to sit in the back of a car for few minutes?!

Anyway, I just wouldn’t do that to someone? If I was that bothered I’d watch it on my bloody phone downstairs and let my DP sleep!! I sometimes wonder if because he has never had children, he’s never had to put anybody else above himself which is why he can be a bit of a brat?! Although he was married before.

I had been on my own for a few years previous to this relationship, so I’m unsure if I’m being unreasonable or he is?!!

OP posts:
Whatt · 14/05/2023 09:54

Why couldn't he watch it on his phone?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/05/2023 09:55

9pm it’s quite early for someone to go to bed

OP was in her own home, didn't want to watch Eurovision and had had a full day and was tired. When IS she allowed to go to bed?

Newestname002 · 14/05/2023 09:55

@Beatendownmum

I hope you've spoken to him now and he's no longer in the home or lives of you and your children OP? 🌹

Meggymoo777 · 14/05/2023 09:55

And I actually can't believe all the PPs saying that adults should be in the front and children in the back. What a load of horseshit. Sure if it's a long journey maybe. My son is 12 and if he wants to sit in the front of his own car, he'll bloody well sit in the front of his own car. He would mostly move for an adult anyway but it's not something id ask him to do.

If I was doing someone a favour and they were pissed about sitting in the back because my son was in the front, they'd be told to get to fuck.

BeBraveAndBeKind · 14/05/2023 09:55

Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 07:55

@Queenofheart see this is it, no one will ever be more important than my DC. We were such a strong happy unit just the 4 of us for a long time and I think I want that back, I can’t deal with the behaviour it’s hard enough having 1 teenager to deal with I can’t cope with 2.

I wish my mum had felt like this and then I wouldn't be forking our a fortune for therapy!

You don't need any excuse to get rid of someone who's making your life less enjoyable than it was before you met them.

Wishimaywishimight · 14/05/2023 09:57

Not having children does not make a person inherently selfish.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/05/2023 09:57

BTW, agree with @LiquoriceAllsorts2 . Your DS is getting a bit fed up of this bloke and there's going to be more of this as the dominance struggles start.

Lindjam · 14/05/2023 09:59

Bin him.

He really does think he’s the boss of you. And of your children.

I am sure you will all be much happier without him.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 14/05/2023 09:59

I recently got rid of one of these. I think it's arrested development, they are frozen developmentally as a teenager. If you look into his past, there's often some traumatic event around that age. It doesn't get better, the more his feet get under the table, the worse the selfish entitled immature behaviour becomes. Work on your boundaries, and your self confidence, don't accept behaviour in a man you wouldn't do yourself. You're only a few months in, this is the honeymoon period, it will get so much worse.

TolkiensFallow · 14/05/2023 10:04

I think I’m most offended by the behaviour when you picked him up from the garage. His respect for you, your house, your car and your kids is non existent in these two scenarios.

You sound like you have your shit together OP, I think you might be better off with out him.

PleaseJustText · 14/05/2023 10:04

I couldn't get worked up about the Eurovision thing. The fact that you did suggests you don't like him very much so for that reason, it's a dumpable offence.

The car thing was a bit weird but I would have just told him to give over and get in the car. If he kept huffing and puffing in the back I'd have asked if he wanted me to stop so he could get out and walk.

NewbieSoberista · 14/05/2023 10:05

PleaseJustText · 14/05/2023 10:04

I couldn't get worked up about the Eurovision thing. The fact that you did suggests you don't like him very much so for that reason, it's a dumpable offence.

The car thing was a bit weird but I would have just told him to give over and get in the car. If he kept huffing and puffing in the back I'd have asked if he wanted me to stop so he could get out and walk.

That's how you might talk to your teenaged DC though. You shouldn't have to with you bf.

Happyher · 14/05/2023 10:09

Only you know what’s right. Does he have any redeeming features that outweigh this bad behaviour? If not then why stay in a relationship with someone so annoying. Maybe be more assertive with him and see how he responds

KarmaStar · 14/05/2023 10:12

Dump him.he is just a parasite

Fairislefandango · 14/05/2023 10:14

The car thing was a bit weird but I would have just told him to give over and get in the car. If he kept huffing and puffing in the back I'd have asked if he wanted me to stop so he could get out and walk.

Life's too short to spend it with an adult partner whose behaviour you need to manage in order to train them out of acting like a stroppy teenager.

Kugela · 14/05/2023 10:15

He’s selfish, disrespectful and extremely immature. Why would you want someone like that as a partner?

The way he behaved over the car incident and Eurovision has shown you that you need to break up with him. You can do so much better than this bratty scumbag.

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 14/05/2023 10:21

He sounds terribly entitled OP, expecting you to wake up and listen to your TV in your room and house when you don't want to? Then you moving rooms to accommodate him? Expecting your child to move from your car on a favour you were doing for him? and still behaving like a petulant child?

All after 9 months? wow, just wow.

This isn't working at 9 months, he is not a keeper.

CamoFlamingo · 14/05/2023 10:26

The way he behaved when you picked him up was disgusting and so was him waking you up. It seems like you already know that you want to end the relationship. I could not be with someone like that.

Kugela · 14/05/2023 10:30

@Beatendownmum is he still in your home today? I’d be telling him to leave this morning and saying ‘we need to talk later when the kids aren’t around’. Once he’s left you can dump him by text, explain why you no longer want to be in the relationship and not to contact you again. Then block his number.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 14/05/2023 10:40

I’d dump him for most of the behaviour he’s described.

My DM not long after she divorced got involved with my stepdad who was a lodger in our house to help pay mortgage. He was also unreasonable but always apologised and I think my DM with a demanding job, 2 young DC, one of whom had a serious illness, and we didn’t see our DF for various reasons and no childcare from grandparents, meant that DM also with 2 divorces behind her wanted support. Stepdad smacked us, was cruel and also swore and started violent arguments and god knows why DM stayed with him but she did. He did have lots of good points but I wouldn’t have stayed with him.

Your DC if they witness this will resent him and maybe think less of you for staying with a loser. There are men out there through friends I know who are with second partners, and friends have their own DC who are lovely.

Wheresthebeach · 14/05/2023 10:42

He's a brat. Clearly easily wound up and emotional. Ditch.

Justanothercatlady · 14/05/2023 10:42

The ‘WTF - tell him to move’ tells you that he thinks your kids are second class. He is immature and not worth your time. If you give in on things it will escalate from him getting his feet under the table to trying to push the kids out later down the line. Pick your kids - no one deserves to feel pushed out by some twatty cuckoo cocklodger.

Floralie · 14/05/2023 10:43

It sounds like there are other issues to be honest, if you're not happy then of course leave. Personally if my partner wanted to watch something that's on once a year and the only working TV was in the bedroom even if I was trying to sleep I wouldn't mind. I suspect though the other elements which show his selfishness and the tussle you have over a life with him in it and just you and your DC makes it seem like a huge deal which is fair enough.

fruitbrewhaha · 14/05/2023 10:43

Why was he staying over when you were tired and had gone to bed? You’ve only been together 8 months and you have kids. You’re supposed to get to know someone without enmeshing them in to your kids lives.

This one is not going to work out. Next time get to know a bloke and make sure you’re both totally committed to the relationship before you start playing happy families with him. You’ve now got to dump him and it’s hard on your kids to keep switching men in and out of their lives.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 14/05/2023 10:53

Assuming that he is absolutely passionate about Eurovision (basically his version of the world cup, six nations, superbowl)?

Yes, I would forgive that. Unless I had a super important appointment the next morning, didn't sleep a wink the night before etc.

The instance with the car seems more worrying. Does he frequently resent your DC?