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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a dumpable offence?! AIBU or is he?!

289 replies

Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 00:38

Bit of background context here before the story begins -

This is my house, I pay 100% of the mortgage and bills. But he stays occasionally, sometimes a lot.

We’ve had a really lovely day with my DC (not his, he has no kids), I was really tired after a whole day out so went up to bed around 9ish. He stayed downstairs to watch Eurovision (each to their own and all that). Anyway he comes bursting into the bedroom waking me up at 11 saying the TV is messing up he NEEDS to watch the rest of it in the bedroom! He knows I don’t sleep well if TV is on in background, never have never will. Really quite insistent and panicky that he must watch the rest as he loves Eurovision and desperate pleas to watch it in the bedroom, I go and get in my DCs bottom bunk, now I’m still awake in bottom bunk while he is asleep in MY bed and I am LIVID!!! To me, this is another example of him being a bit of a selfish brat - there are other examples I mean another is only this week - he drops his car off at garage I collect him and he is absolutely fuming 1 of my kids is in the front seat - the garage is a few min drive from mine - who the bloody hell cares if you have to sit in the back of a car for few minutes?!

Anyway, I just wouldn’t do that to someone? If I was that bothered I’d watch it on my bloody phone downstairs and let my DP sleep!! I sometimes wonder if because he has never had children, he’s never had to put anybody else above himself which is why he can be a bit of a brat?! Although he was married before.

I had been on my own for a few years previous to this relationship, so I’m unsure if I’m being unreasonable or he is?!!

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 15/05/2023 22:39

YANBU X

T1Dmama · 15/05/2023 22:48

Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 07:55

@Queenofheart see this is it, no one will ever be more important than my DC. We were such a strong happy unit just the 4 of us for a long time and I think I want that back, I can’t deal with the behaviour it’s hard enough having 1 teenager to deal with I can’t cope with 2.

I think this says it all…
Hes come into your life, your house, your family, your car etc … he’s over stepping boundaries and quite frankly if someone got in my car and said ‘what the fuck’ in-front of my DC I’d have told them to get their arse back out of my car and told them to call them self an uber !! or dropped them at the nearest bus stop!
As for the TV incident, I wouldn’t have cared if it was the World Cup final, I’d go mad if someone came in and woke me up and then allowed me to leave my own bed so they could watch tv!…. Like you’ve said he could watch it on his phone..

I am concerned though how quickly women introduce strange men to their kids and allow them to sleep over with kids in the house…. Do women get police checks done on these men? I’ve known of someone who is predatory who meets women on dating sites and has met their kids and stayed over within weeks of dating… it’s scary.

whynotwhatknot · 15/05/2023 22:49

Not his house had no right to barge in on you whilst sleeping

he had a phone he could go on the iplayer and watch it

IWantRebeccasConfidence · 15/05/2023 22:50

Swearing in front of your kid is just terrible.

Yoi have no reason to stay and work through this, the relationship is just over.

And I say this as the biggest Eurovision fan ever, I would have watched on my phone as it’s only results at that point not kicked my partner out of bed!

Shelefttheweb · 15/05/2023 22:52

If you don’t like the socks he wears then that can be a dumpable offence.
If watches Eurovision at all that can be a dumpable offence.
if he turns up ten minutes late that can be a dumpable offence.

It is entirely up to you whether you dump him or not, you don’t need to justify it.

What you mean is did he behave reasonably? No he didn’t.

mumof4andlovinglife · 15/05/2023 23:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

fancydressjess · 15/05/2023 23:02

Generally speaking that's pathetic behaviour. It's TV. It's all bollocks, I don't even have/watch TV....

However, it's Eurovision, it's VERY important.... My friends and I celebrate this very seriously with a fancy dress house party every year.... It's more important than Christmas.
So he's excused.

Only kidding.
What a prick, unless his phone was broken and there was a genuine reason he needed TV access, then he's excused.

Happinessisnowhere · 15/05/2023 23:05

100% this. I'd throw the fucking telly at him if he woke me up to watch eurovision. This is exceptionally selfish behaviour.

NorthStarRising · 15/05/2023 23:14

You seem so desperate for a man that you’ll not only accept ridiculous behaviour, you question yourself for getting annoyed and upset about it?
Get a grip, YABU to be such an accommodating doormat.
And you are not setting your children any sort of example as to what a healthy relationship looks like.

fancydressjess · 15/05/2023 23:19

Uggh, red flag for the way he reacted to your son in the front seat, just nasty 😢

VanGoghsDog · 15/05/2023 23:35

I'd have sent him home at 9pm when I went to bed. I wouldn't have him sitting up in my house when I've gone to bed.

But yeah, he's a knob.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/05/2023 23:42

Oh my god, get rid!

He sounds awful, and incredibly self centred.

I like Eurovision but would never give up my bed for someone to watch a television programme - not Eurovision, not the football, not anything.

Anyone who woke me up for that reason would be told to go home and not return.

The front seat thing is ridiculous too. I’d have been tempted to drive off without him.

suburbophobe · 16/05/2023 00:06

he comes bursting into the bedroom waking me up at 11

He sounds like a toddler. Sorry OP, this is not the future you want for yourself.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 16/05/2023 00:12

A) You don’t have kids with him.
B) You aren’t married as far as I can tell.
C) You don’t own the property jointly.

You don’t need an “offence” to end a relationship that’s not working for you. Just end it.

I would be a very unhappy bunny to be woken up for that. It’s ridiculous.

Mamanyt · 16/05/2023 00:26

Honestly, I'm wondering if this sort of behavior is why he has an "ex" to begin with. I'd have been fairly upset over being wakened for a TV show, but I'd have been irate over the reaction to the child in the front seat. Dealbreaker, for me. And I'm betting that there are many small, seemingly insignificant things that we don't know about. Does he help out at your home? You say he's there a LOT, or do you do it all?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/05/2023 00:29

I absolutely agree with you that OP is responsible for his impolite behaviour not her. but I found it interesting why she’s not able to say any of this or say no to him directly- that’s the kind of thing a therapist is very helpful to uncover (is she scared of him? Afraid of losing him and being alone? Does she feel able to advocate for her own needs in other circumstances?) and it’s helpful to explore questions like this to break patterns- in my opinion it’s empowering to become more aware of one’s own role in such dynamics - encouraging op to do this wasn’t meant to come across as blaming

CherryCokeFanatic · 16/05/2023 00:53

The Eurovision thing is weird. He could have used his phone or a tablet to watch live on the iPlayer app.

I agree about the car though. Kids should never have priority to sit in the front over an adult imo. And in any kind of step parent relationship small things like this only add to any potential power struggles. You should be backing your partner as an important member of the household not undermining it. If it was just a few minutes away, then that’s even more of an excuse why they don’t need to be in the front if they ask, “it will only be a few mins and then X is getting in the car, so get in the back and stop moaning”

Twonewcats · 16/05/2023 01:09

Eurovision is one of my favourite nights of the year and I'd also behave irrationally if the TV stopped working. No way would I watch it on my phone. Altho I wouldn't be with someone who'd be annoyed at being woken at 11pm on a Saturday for something that was important to me 🤷🏼‍♀️

porridgeisbae · 16/05/2023 02:41

Altho I wouldn't be with someone who'd be annoyed at being woken at 11pm on a Saturday for something that was important to me

I wouldn't be impressed at being deliberately barged in on and woken up by anyone, unless there was a fire or something.

ChellyT · 16/05/2023 03:02

itsrainin · 14/05/2023 00:44

It doesn’t sound like you’re on the same wavelength

sorry but no guest in my place would kick me out of my own bedroom, i would have been firm. He could have watched the rest of that on his phone whilst he sorted the tv issue out.

Absolutely this!

SparklyBlackKitten · 16/05/2023 03:13

Let the guy watch TV in bed. You are in bed by 9pm on a Saturday!. Its a one off kinda thing this euro vision thing. You didnt have to move to the other room. You chose too .

The fact he got annoyed with your kid sitting in the front seat is rediculous !Howeverrrrr you do sound and say(!) That your kids are your number 1 priority and trump everything and everyone. So with that attitude I can imagine him getting annoyed with him always made to feel like a passenger (literally and figuratively speaking). Plus this wouldn't have been the first time he was feeling like this. You say" he didn't take the kids out. I did and he came along". What kind of attitude is that when you live together. You make it very clear he is a bystander
No wonder he gets annoyed.

This relationship has no future. Id end it for both your sakes
There is no unit in your relationship

porridgeisbae · 16/05/2023 03:24

I can imagine him getting annoyed

Getting annoyed is one thing but swearing/being aggro in front of OP's kid is another.

Let the guy watch TV in bed

Maybe if it was something they'd both decided earlier in the evening would be done at that time. But barging in when someone's asleep and putting the telly on is well annoying.

Clarabell77 · 16/05/2023 05:34

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/05/2023 21:34

I think if you love him and want to be with him, you should go to therapy to explore why you’re not able to set boundaries with him and then you get bitter and resentful- if you don’t dump him over these issues and if nothing changes, at some point I think he’ll leave as he’ll think you’ve changed and you’re no fun anymore.

Therapy for someone she’s been seeing 8-9 months? I think this is just the “finding out what he’s like” stage, and he’s unsuitable, no therapy required.

Mummasince22 · 16/05/2023 05:40

If I’d been greeted with ‘What the fuck tell him to move’ the only movement would have been my foot on the accelerator! No way should he talk to you like that in front of or about your DC and I’d of left him standing at the garage to find his own way home. He sounds like an additional child OP and a selfish one at that, a singing competition is not a valid reason to wake you from your sleep and demand to use your tv everyone’s phones these days can be used to watch stuff so if the tv in living room was playing up then he should of switched to his phone.
On another note OP remember the way you allow this man to treat you may make your DCs believe it’s acceptable behaviour for them as they grow up. He doesn’t sound like a man who’s characteristics and behaviour you’d want your DCs to pick up.

Original poster
Beatendownmum · 16/05/2023 07:05

Thanks for all the responses!

I originally met him a long time ago, he was not a stranger and we got together recently. Obviously didn’t know of his selfish behaviour until we actually got together.

I went to bed at 9pm because I’d been out since 9am and didn’t get home til just before Eurovision started, I’d also had a very long week at both my jobs and had to get up early for kids matches on Sunday - I didn’t realise going to bed at 9pm was such an issue!

I am not desperate for a man nor was I lonely I was very content in my life, I split with my children’s father years ago he has had no contact since (his choice) and I had not been with anyone since. In that time I have actually forged a very good career (was working whilst with him but not at the position/level I am now) which has enabled me to buy a house and live a comfortable life. I am independent and have my shit together.

No he didn’t contribute financially when he was here, probably thought he didn’t have too because I am the higher earner. I should’ve put my foot down on that one.

Anyway, he was removed from my house on Sunday morning and has not returned since nor will he be, the relationship is done.

OP posts:
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