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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a dumpable offence?! AIBU or is he?!

289 replies

Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 00:38

Bit of background context here before the story begins -

This is my house, I pay 100% of the mortgage and bills. But he stays occasionally, sometimes a lot.

We’ve had a really lovely day with my DC (not his, he has no kids), I was really tired after a whole day out so went up to bed around 9ish. He stayed downstairs to watch Eurovision (each to their own and all that). Anyway he comes bursting into the bedroom waking me up at 11 saying the TV is messing up he NEEDS to watch the rest of it in the bedroom! He knows I don’t sleep well if TV is on in background, never have never will. Really quite insistent and panicky that he must watch the rest as he loves Eurovision and desperate pleas to watch it in the bedroom, I go and get in my DCs bottom bunk, now I’m still awake in bottom bunk while he is asleep in MY bed and I am LIVID!!! To me, this is another example of him being a bit of a selfish brat - there are other examples I mean another is only this week - he drops his car off at garage I collect him and he is absolutely fuming 1 of my kids is in the front seat - the garage is a few min drive from mine - who the bloody hell cares if you have to sit in the back of a car for few minutes?!

Anyway, I just wouldn’t do that to someone? If I was that bothered I’d watch it on my bloody phone downstairs and let my DP sleep!! I sometimes wonder if because he has never had children, he’s never had to put anybody else above himself which is why he can be a bit of a brat?! Although he was married before.

I had been on my own for a few years previous to this relationship, so I’m unsure if I’m being unreasonable or he is?!!

OP posts:
autienotnaughtym · 14/05/2023 07:56

Doesn't sound worth it.

Bluedab · 14/05/2023 08:00

I agree with @JudgeRudy if he was in the middle of the show, i can see why he would want to finish it.

Re the car, we always have kids in the back if an adult will be getting in the front. There's more room in the front.

I wonder if there are other problems though that these things are bothering you.

Malificent1 · 14/05/2023 08:01

Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 07:40

@Equalitea DC jumped in the front seat because it was a quick journey, he never sits in the front. I didn’t see it as an issue, he was probably in the back of the car for 3 minutes max. I personally wouldn’t have given a shit and been grateful for being picked up. If it had been a long journey of course DC would have been in the back, but 3 minutes - honestly who cares? We were greeted by ‘what the fuck? tell him to move’, and then lots of what to me sounded like the grunting my teenager makes!! I refused and he knew damn well I wasn’t parked somewhere where I was able to help my child out to move him it was a quick pick up and go.

It was at this point that you should have driven away and left him there to walk. He is selfish, entitled and rude.

You’ve established this week that he prioritises himself over your children and your sleep.

Don’t let this man trample all over your family.

VashtaNerada · 14/05/2023 08:02

If it was just the Eurovision incident I’d forgive that. For those of us who follow it, it really would be a big deal if the TV stopped working in the middle! It’s like the Cup Final for football fans; I don’t understand the fuss but I appreciate it’s important to some people.
But as there are other instances where he’s irritated you, there are clearly issues with the relationship. Just ask yourself if he makes you happy or if you’d be happier without him and there’s your answer. And maybe don’t make any big decisions when you’re tired from a bad night - see how you feel about him across the next week.

Jibo · 14/05/2023 08:04

Get rid. I bet the kids will be pleased if you dump this man.

billy1966 · 14/05/2023 08:08

Dump him.

He is a selfish loser and the car seat business is a dumpable offence.

Who does he think he is speaking to you and your children like that.

I mean it kindly but watch out, your bar is low.

He is not someone to have around your children.

Put your children first and get rid of him.

SkyandSurf · 14/05/2023 08:11

Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 07:40

@Equalitea DC jumped in the front seat because it was a quick journey, he never sits in the front. I didn’t see it as an issue, he was probably in the back of the car for 3 minutes max. I personally wouldn’t have given a shit and been grateful for being picked up. If it had been a long journey of course DC would have been in the back, but 3 minutes - honestly who cares? We were greeted by ‘what the fuck? tell him to move’, and then lots of what to me sounded like the grunting my teenager makes!! I refused and he knew damn well I wasn’t parked somewhere where I was able to help my child out to move him it was a quick pick up and go.

So you did him a favour picking him up and he:

  • swore at you
  • swore in front of your child
  • swore angrily about your child
  • ordered you about
  • told you how to parent
  • continued in that fashion for a prolonged period of time.

Dump him. He's a horrible person to have around your children.

Date him if you must but don't have him in your family home, don't have him around your children. It's really too early in the relationship even if he wasn't a bag of dicks.

SkyandSurf · 14/05/2023 08:14

billy1966 · 14/05/2023 08:08

Dump him.

He is a selfish loser and the car seat business is a dumpable offence.

Who does he think he is speaking to you and your children like that.

I mean it kindly but watch out, your bar is low.

He is not someone to have around your children.

Put your children first and get rid of him.

Excellent catch.

Your bar is too low if you're even deliberating about this.

You deserve someone kind and wonderful who wants to make your life better. Would never wake you up when you're exhausted for a TV show, would be grateful and happy when you do them a favour, is accomodating and encouraging towards your children.

Those men exist. You need to have higher standards for the next one.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/05/2023 08:15

I can't believe you let him get in your car after he swore and threw a tantrum about having to sit in the back seat for a few minutes.

Raise your bar.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 14/05/2023 08:15

100% get rid. If he's acting like this less than a year in imagine how bad he would be after 3 years. He sounds horrendous

TiredOfCleaning · 14/05/2023 08:16

HotToddyColdSauvignon · 14/05/2023 07:43

He swore at you after you picked him up, in front of your child?

Get rid of him now OP

This. He showed such disprespect to you and your child and made it clear to your child that he matters not a jot and is lesser than him.

Dump.

Bathroomlove · 14/05/2023 08:16

Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 07:55

@Queenofheart see this is it, no one will ever be more important than my DC. We were such a strong happy unit just the 4 of us for a long time and I think I want that back, I can’t deal with the behaviour it’s hard enough having 1 teenager to deal with I can’t cope with 2.

@Beatendownmum I'm very much of the era of kids in the back, adults in the front. I'd have said to DC 'nope, hop in the back, we're going to pick x up'. As stupid as it sounds, it's an inbuilt reaction to find it disrespectful HOWEVER if someone was doing me a favour I'd still have the inbuilt reaction, but it would only last longer enough for my brain to engage & get over it.

There is nothing that would make his reaction acceptable (to me). Nothing. And I'd have told him so, there & then. Depending on the situation I'd have told him to sit down & shut up then driven him to his house, town centre, whatever. Not left him stranded, but not taken him to MY house, with MY child.

So, I'd have been finished with him before last night! But supposing I wasn't. I would be this morning. I'm too soft to have ended it last night, but this morning he'd be gone.

I don't sleep much/well so anyone waking me needs to be under 3, or in a life/death situation! Waking me because the tv was 'playing up'. No fucking way. He should have watched it on his phone while trying to sort the tv out or just accepting he could watch it today on catch up. Whatever...

Read your own posts. What would you be saying??

Dont convince yourself re sunken costs or feeling too old to meet someone better or whatever other excuses are running through your head. He's not worthy of YOU & he's certainly not someone you should be inflicting on your kids. Get rid, go back to your strong unit of 4, until a worthy number 5 turns up!!

today, don't wait for next time!!

kingtamponthefurred · 14/05/2023 08:17

FabFitFifties · 14/05/2023 04:19

Eurovision is a HUGE thing for lots of people - he's panicked. Not dumpable behaviour for me. The car episode is different - this is the red flag. However, I think you just don't like him - if you did the Eurovision episode would be no big deal and you would have some empathy for his situation. It seems he is happy to spend his day helping you to entertain your children, but you are not happy to accomodate him at all. Kinder to let him go.

Panicking over a tv show? He sounds like a child. And has he never heard of catch-up?

GabriellaMontez · 14/05/2023 08:18

Did your child hear him speak like that? (In the car)

Maybe that's normal for some people... But that would have been the end for me.

TheIsleOfTheLost · 14/05/2023 08:20

This isn't about the TV show, it's just the last straw. On it's own I would understands anyone wanting to watch an event final and just put up with the sleep disruption. But you were feeling put upon for some time before this. You don't owe him anything, so if the relationship is over for you then tell him.

Dacadactyl · 14/05/2023 08:21

He needs dumping for being that bothered about eurovision.

cloudchaos · 14/05/2023 08:21

I don't know, after 8 months I wouldn't have him over to leave him downstairs and go to bed. It seems a bit rude to me and It doesn't seem like you wanted to spend time with him. Perhaps he felt it would be rude to just leave to go home and watch TV there knowing he couldn't tell you where he went as you were asleep?

My DH might come and watch the TV in bed after I've gone to sleep, I just roll back to sleep again. I understand it might be harder for you to do, but it seems a bit of an overreaction to storm off and sleep in a bunk bed. Just say no if it's that much of a problem?

Getting angry is obviously not ok, but I would also expect kids in the back of the car and adult in the front - mainly as I assume he has longer legs. Maybe he was embarrassed he might not fit or felt treated like a child?

It doesn't sound like you like him very much, for that reason alone I would end it.

Badgeringabout · 14/05/2023 08:23

CharlottenBerg · 14/05/2023 00:49

He sounds like a prick. Dump him.

Seconded.

Somebodiesmother · 14/05/2023 08:24

Doesn't he have a phone he could watch it on?

Cloud9Super · 14/05/2023 08:26

Fuckity bye to him then!

sunflowerdaisyrose · 14/05/2023 08:29

If it were the only thing I wouldn't think it was a big deal and would just move on but sounds like he has form.

Dedodee · 14/05/2023 08:30

He's marking his territory like a Tom cat.
Time to dump his arse.

dottiedodah · 14/05/2023 08:31

I think he just wants to feel "In charge" TBH. Got fed up watching downstairs on his own (diddums !) and wanted you to "watch" too,even though you told him its not your sort of thing. The car incident likewise.I often think many (not all) men can get set in their ways by 40ish if they have no DC or are not married .I would rethink this guy ,he wont change and if he worms his way to your home on FT basis you will find it hard to get rid of him!

Bartlebum · 14/05/2023 08:33

Please dump him and free your life up for better people - and, who knows, maybe even a better partner. You deserve better. These examples might sound trivial on paper but they are red flags and signs of worse to come. I wouldn't wait to see what happens next.

Temporaryname158 · 14/05/2023 08:37

The way he spoke to you in front of your child, swearing and basically saying I’m more important than him tell him to move would have been the end for me!

abusive prick, dump him with immediate effect. He thinks he’s I. Charge in your house and family and that his needs are more important than everyone elses