Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a dumpable offence?! AIBU or is he?!

289 replies

Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 00:38

Bit of background context here before the story begins -

This is my house, I pay 100% of the mortgage and bills. But he stays occasionally, sometimes a lot.

We’ve had a really lovely day with my DC (not his, he has no kids), I was really tired after a whole day out so went up to bed around 9ish. He stayed downstairs to watch Eurovision (each to their own and all that). Anyway he comes bursting into the bedroom waking me up at 11 saying the TV is messing up he NEEDS to watch the rest of it in the bedroom! He knows I don’t sleep well if TV is on in background, never have never will. Really quite insistent and panicky that he must watch the rest as he loves Eurovision and desperate pleas to watch it in the bedroom, I go and get in my DCs bottom bunk, now I’m still awake in bottom bunk while he is asleep in MY bed and I am LIVID!!! To me, this is another example of him being a bit of a selfish brat - there are other examples I mean another is only this week - he drops his car off at garage I collect him and he is absolutely fuming 1 of my kids is in the front seat - the garage is a few min drive from mine - who the bloody hell cares if you have to sit in the back of a car for few minutes?!

Anyway, I just wouldn’t do that to someone? If I was that bothered I’d watch it on my bloody phone downstairs and let my DP sleep!! I sometimes wonder if because he has never had children, he’s never had to put anybody else above himself which is why he can be a bit of a brat?! Although he was married before.

I had been on my own for a few years previous to this relationship, so I’m unsure if I’m being unreasonable or he is?!!

OP posts:
CabbagePatchDole · 14/05/2023 07:27

If it wasn't for the age I would have sworn the man you describe was my ex because he sounds just like him. I want to reiterate that it's time to dump the bastard because there's much worse behaviour to come.

charabang · 14/05/2023 07:29

If he's irritating you now and prioritizing his own needs above you and your family's it's going to get worse. Throw him back.

SkyandSurf · 14/05/2023 07:30

Equalitea · 14/05/2023 07:15

I can understand that he’d want to watch the end of a programme he loves but why didn’t he go home? Is there a reason he couldn’t watch it on his phone?

I can also understand why he wouldn’t want to get in the back of the car, eg if he’s tall and there’s not much room, if it’s a mess from the kids, also if you knew he was getting in then why didn’t DC go in the back? Did he have to sit next to a DC? Is DC safe/tall/old enough to go in the front? Maybe I’m wrong but I do always prioritise adults in the front seat, I will also often give up my front seat (even if DH is driving my car) and give it to an older/taller/bigger person than I am if we’ve offered the lift etc.

Maybe it’s a generational thing but I always saw the same growing up and thought it was about respect/offering guest the most comfortable position, I’d say that in our circle we all do similar and my children all do too.

Some people feel it's important as a sign of respect for kids to give up the front seat for an adult. However, it's not his family or his car and his values don't prevail.

If he has his own car and children he can teach them that to his hearts content. But he can't drop himself into an established family and call the shots.

To be 'absolutely fuming' is disgraceful. How would that make the child feel? How small and pathetic does an adult have to be to insist on this kind of deference.

Scalottia · 14/05/2023 07:32

orangegato · 14/05/2023 07:06

The front seat worse than the waking up. Weird, entitled, hard no from me. He’s saying he’s more important than your child. Eww.

He's not necessarily saying that he is more important, where I come from it's pretty normal that adults sit in the front. This would probably annoy me too, I appreciate that I am in the minority. I wouldn't get angry though, but yes it would bother me. I guess in this circumstance it wouldn't though.

The flapping about regarding a TV show though - that's just silly. YANBU OP. The waking you up to watch something is just annoying.

However I would never have a TV in the bedroom to start with.

unlikelychump · 14/05/2023 07:35

I wouldn't divorce for the TV thing although I would be p'd off the next day. But you do say it is a pattern

I'm not sure if the ages of your kids but if they are below about 15 I think he should sit in the front. He is an adult.

Sundaefraise · 14/05/2023 07:35

A dumpable offense is anything that is not good enough for you, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. He doesn’t sound like a good fit for you and for what it’s worth, I think he would piss me right off too!

philautia · 14/05/2023 07:36

YABU for being with a sorry excuse for a human. In the time it took you to write this out, you could have dumped him. Why did you not kick him out when he came in your room and woke you up? THIS IS YOUR HOME.

Original poster
Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 07:40

@Equalitea DC jumped in the front seat because it was a quick journey, he never sits in the front. I didn’t see it as an issue, he was probably in the back of the car for 3 minutes max. I personally wouldn’t have given a shit and been grateful for being picked up. If it had been a long journey of course DC would have been in the back, but 3 minutes - honestly who cares? We were greeted by ‘what the fuck? tell him to move’, and then lots of what to me sounded like the grunting my teenager makes!! I refused and he knew damn well I wasn’t parked somewhere where I was able to help my child out to move him it was a quick pick up and go.

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 14/05/2023 07:40

Ok so kicking you out of bed is not on but if he’s that in to Eurovision it would have been nice for you to make a thing of it and watch it with him.

going to bed at 9 is pretty early for an adult.

min general I would say that adults get priority to the front seat of the car over children, I can see why he felt a little disrespected there. But his reaction seems a bit over the top.

nothing he has done is a dumpable offense but it sounds like you aren’t really suited to each other.

Queenofheart · 14/05/2023 07:41

rollingbolognese · 14/05/2023 00:44

Well he’s a catch

😂I thought this

Whisper23 · 14/05/2023 07:43

YABU for being with a sorry excuse for a human. In the time it took you to write this out, you could have dumped him.

A tad harsh perhaps?

HotToddyColdSauvignon · 14/05/2023 07:43

He swore at you after you picked him up, in front of your child?

Get rid of him now OP

Corinabloomer · 14/05/2023 07:44

Immature, entitled...honestly get rid. It's not going to get better, talking from experience.

Fairislefandango · 14/05/2023 07:45

We were greeted by ‘what the fuck? tell him to move’, and then lots of what to me sounded like the grunting my teenager makes!!

Yes, he sounds like a stroppy, self-centered, needy teen. As for getting panicky about missing the end of a singing show - pathetic, frankly. Other posters are right - there is no doubt worse to come if you carry on seeing this manchild.

Premiumchange · 14/05/2023 07:45

Don’t focus on trivia like this when deciding if you want to be with him. Sit back and think - does he feel like an equal partner? Is he your strong supporter? Do you look forward to a life together?
I suspect not.

icelollycraving · 14/05/2023 07:46

How old are your kids? Do they like him because you clearly don’t. You aren’t compatible.

Equalitea · 14/05/2023 07:46

Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 07:40

@Equalitea DC jumped in the front seat because it was a quick journey, he never sits in the front. I didn’t see it as an issue, he was probably in the back of the car for 3 minutes max. I personally wouldn’t have given a shit and been grateful for being picked up. If it had been a long journey of course DC would have been in the back, but 3 minutes - honestly who cares? We were greeted by ‘what the fuck? tell him to move’, and then lots of what to me sounded like the grunting my teenager makes!! I refused and he knew damn well I wasn’t parked somewhere where I was able to help my child out to move him it was a quick pick up and go.

If DC was under 12 then wouldn’t they still need a car seat so would be difficult to just jump in the front? If over 12 then I assume they’d be able to get out without your help?

I’d have been unhappy had he told me to make my child move, but I would have also felt very disrespected to be told to get in the back.

It sounds like you’re on very different wavelengths, I can understand both of your perspectives but they don’t seem compatible.

FrostyFifi · 14/05/2023 07:47

He's a prick and don't be making excuses for him. DH and I don't have children and he's unfailingly selfless and considerate.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/05/2023 07:47

Sure signs that he’s always going to put himself, and what he wants, first.
Classic red flag. Dump.

MyopicBunny · 14/05/2023 07:48

He sounds awful. A total man-child.

Queenofheart · 14/05/2023 07:50

‘what the fuck? tell him to move’,

Along with his behavior, this comment would be a deal breaker for me, he’s showing you he thinks he’s more important than your kids. Can you imagine living with him, he’ll rule the roost and your kids will also suffer. I’m with everyone else, I’d have to dump!

Figgygal · 14/05/2023 07:50

The car thing is much worse than last night tbh

Marmalade71 · 14/05/2023 07:52

The car thing worse than the TV imo - swearing and grumping in front of your child? No, not on. Big red flag on entitlement which the TV thing confirms.

ChubbyMorticia · 14/05/2023 07:54

Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 07:40

@Equalitea DC jumped in the front seat because it was a quick journey, he never sits in the front. I didn’t see it as an issue, he was probably in the back of the car for 3 minutes max. I personally wouldn’t have given a shit and been grateful for being picked up. If it had been a long journey of course DC would have been in the back, but 3 minutes - honestly who cares? We were greeted by ‘what the fuck? tell him to move’, and then lots of what to me sounded like the grunting my teenager makes!! I refused and he knew damn well I wasn’t parked somewhere where I was able to help my child out to move him it was a quick pick up and go.

I’d have driven off without him.

Original poster
Beatendownmum · 14/05/2023 07:55

@Queenofheart see this is it, no one will ever be more important than my DC. We were such a strong happy unit just the 4 of us for a long time and I think I want that back, I can’t deal with the behaviour it’s hard enough having 1 teenager to deal with I can’t cope with 2.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread