Is this a dumpable offence?! AIBU or is he?!

[Beatendownmum]

Bit of background context here before the story begins -

This is my house, I pay 100% of the mortgage and bills. But he stays occasionally, sometimes a lot.

We’ve had a really lovely day with my DC (not his, he has no kids), I was really tired after a whole day out so went up to bed around 9ish. He stayed downstairs to watch Eurovision (each to their own and all that). Anyway he comes bursting into the bedroom waking me up at 11 saying the TV is messing up he NEEDS to watch the rest of it in the bedroom! He knows I don’t sleep well if TV is on in background, never have never will. Really quite insistent and panicky that he must watch the rest as he loves Eurovision and desperate pleas to watch it in the bedroom, I go and get in my DCs bottom bunk, now I’m still awake in bottom bunk while he is asleep in MY bed and I am LIVID!!! To me, this is another example of him being a bit of a selfish brat - there are other examples I mean another is only this week - he drops his car off at garage I collect him and he is absolutely fuming 1 of my kids is in the front seat - the garage is a few min drive from mine - who the bloody hell cares if you have to sit in the back of a car for few minutes?!

Anyway, I just wouldn’t do that to someone? If I was that bothered I’d watch it on my bloody phone downstairs and let my DP sleep!! I sometimes wonder if because he has never had children, he’s never had to put anybody else above himself which is why he can be a bit of a brat?! Although he was married before.

I had been on my own for a few years previous to this relationship, so I’m unsure if I’m being unreasonable or he is?!!

I also agree that it’s way too soon to be having this man sleeping at your home and staying around your kids.

You’ve only been together 8-9 months and so you are only just really getting to know the real him.

He should not be sleeping over more then once a week as this is your kids home.

If you’ve been together for such a short amount of time and there are already numerous issues then it’s obviously not working and it’s time to end it and find someone else.

So he doesn’t contribute financially even though he stays occasionally and sometimes a lot.
He wakes you up after a busy week and a long day with the children just to watch TV.
He swears in front of your child and expects them to move to the back of the car because he’s more important than them.

This is not someone I would want to be sharing my life with.

If everything else was OK and I was really in love with the guy I would probably have found the "Eurovision incident" mildly amusing (I also have interests in things and shows that DH thinks are just awful and would pay not to watch! But he doesn't pass judgment on me, so I wouldn't care about someone liking Eurovision, even though I have no interest). I may or may not have got out of bed, but I wouldn't necessarily feel too unhappy about it. The child in the car incident however, if it had been me, he would not have even had the chance to get into the car, front or back, he would have been dumped on the spot.

I'm with everyone else. "What the fuck, tell him to move" wouldn't be appropriate if he was their dad. You cannot teach your children that this is how people talk to each other in romantic relationships. Get rid! And next time don't introduce a man to your kids until you really know him, a year or so in.

There you go OP, ditch this prick and get back to your safe, strong family unit You don't need him at all - he's showing you who he is, he's deliberately testing your tolerance and things will get worse. The car behaviour in front of your son was out of order and no normal person who was a guest in someone's house would urgently burst into their bedroom while they are asleep and crank the TV on waking them up - WW3 hasn't started yet....it's eurovision. Do your kids like him? Your son must have been aware of him stropping in the car like an absolute fuckwit.

I hope you've fully got the ick and will find telling him to fuck off easy.

You got the ick!

Did you miss the bit where OP has a full time and a part time job, AND had been working extra hours on top of that? I can imagine that staying up till midnight to watch Eurovision in those circumstances would have been torture.

The grunting in the back of the car thing would have reminded me irresistibly of Kevin the Teenager. Deeply unsexy.

No way would I allow someone into my car after they had just sworn at me like that.

I would have driven off immediately.

What are you modeling for your child?

is your son struggling having him around. It sounds like if your son doesn’t normally go in the front seat and jumped to this time that he is trying to exert some level of dominance ahead of this man. If similar things have been happening regularly I see why he is getting annoyed but his reaction was totally wrong. And if your son is struggling and trying to be wind him up/exert dominance then it suggests you need to step back in the relationship anyway.

I don’t have children. I am not a selfish horror and of course I regularly put others comfort and happiness above my own- I am not a monster! I care for elderly parents, I volunteer, I babysit young family members, I manage a large team at work.

I think you sound incredibly limited in your outlook and I think he sounds like a complete twat.

dump him - but please educate yourself. Having children doesn’t make you a better person. He is selfish because he is selfish.

Swearing at your kids is a no thanks from me. Common politeness is honestly an underrated thing.

This. Really good observation.

Op, and others like you who are settling for waste of space men - dump him. There's no urgency to move blokes into our lives, particularly if we have children. It's supposed to be a partnership, not putting a weight around our neck!

Manboychild behaviour. Seems like a petulant teenager looking for a mum. This is not acceptable behaviour of an adult in a relationship. Do you really want another older child to care for? Sounds like this is what he is. Hard pass from me OP, you have more patience than me!

Totally agree - it's not easy as a single mum and why shouldn't we try relationships? They do work for some but when they don't it's awful and OP you don't need or deserve that. I've been in my little unit for 5 years and every time I think maybe a relationship would be nice, I read threads like this and think god no, not until mine have grown up and moved out....and I'll be ancient. It's a minefield out there and it can be hard to see toxic patterns forming when you're in it - hence why turning to MN can literally be a lifesaver.

Absolutely!

If your partner doesn’t improve your life then you shouldn’t be with them.

So many threads I read about people who would have a way better and easier life being single but they’re too afraid to be on their own so they put up with so much crap.

If your life is made difficult by your partner then end it.

Throw this one back.

I’d be asking what he brings to the party? Not much by the sounds of your post. 8-9 months in and the honeymoon phase is over, I’d be done with that and move on.

He sounds babyish and very, very unattractive because of it. Fancy swearing in front of your son for sitting in his own family car. You can do better.

I think you’re overreacting
9pm it’s quite early for someone to go to bed. To be honest it’s a Saturday night and he wanted to watch Eurovision which happens once an and you got in with your DC -so what?

He shouldn’t have been annoyed that they were in the front seat though, but some men like to sit at the front maybe have a talk to him about that

if that’s all you are complaining about, then, I don’t know what your issue is. does he help with your DC? Is he good with them ? Is this a long-term relationship ?you don’t give much information

You don’t need a reason to dump someone. If they’re not making you happy, they don’t need to be in your life.

Okay... the Eurovision could have been a lapse of judgement / panic on his part. In isolation, maybe not a dumpable offence.

The car thing is a dumpable offence... did he actually say those words in front of your child? Fuck him, I'd have left him on the side of the road. Dump this asshole

Have you checked the downstairs TV this morning?
Is it still 'broken'?
I would bet not
Your BF wanted to watch the rest of eurovision in bed as it was getting late and didn't give a shit how it impacted you. Selfish git

Just get rid of him

8/9 months and he can spend so much time in YOUR house, so comfortable that he now swears at you and your children?

Unbelievable that you felt so intimidated by him you allowed him to remain in your car.

You and your children are already in an abusive dynamic with him.

This is a bad 'un that you have brought that into your childrens lives.

Don't ruin your childrens childhood by allowing scum into your home.

Look up the "boiling frog analogy"....where you find his behaviour disapproves over time as you accept it.

Also he seems to have an inflated sense of his importance to you, to think he can swear at you and your children.
He certainly doesn't respect you, your children, your home.

That you then gave up your bed.🤷🏻‍♀️🤦‍♀️

So unbelievably OP.

Really unbelievable.

Your children are in peril.

Get his shit together and tell him to go.

You DESPERATELY need to do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to raise your bar and boundaries.

Your children are depending on you.

Once again, it's a case of someone introducing a partne rto their kids far too early, before you know what he's really like.

Why do people keep doing this when it's a proven recipe for disaster.

I can't believe you allow him speak like that in front of your kids.

Separately I don't know any straight man that invested in Eurovision but that's a seperate issue.