To be upset about my sister being given a house by my parents

[mammamia77]

My parents own two houses (one they live in and the other they rent out). The mortgage on the house they rent out is coming to an end and my parents have been deciding if they want to keep their current tenants or sell up. That was until today when my dad mentioned 'gifting' the house to my sister (aged 20) as another option. Obviously I know that the house belongs to my parents and they are free to do whatever they want with it, but I couldn't help feeling upset about this.

I'm 27 and bought my property aged 25 through hard work and years of saving, so I feel that it is unfair that I had to work so hard to buy my house and my sister just gets gifted with one. My sister could sense I was a bit annoyed over the situation and said something along the lines of 'I don't know what your problem is, you already have your own house'

So, AIBU unreasonable for feeling a bit pissed off that my sister may be given a house basically for free when I had to work so hard for mine?

Not only are they being very unfair, they are being very stupid. She's living rent free at the moment. Her bills will be enormous if she lives in a house.

the 200k should be split fairly between you and your sister. She can buy a flat or use it as a large deposit towards a house. Anything else is favouritism and upsetting. The parents own house funds may be used up for care when elderly.

Think it’s grossly unfair.
A friend of mine had exactly the same with her younger sister and it caused a real rift. Don’t think my friend has ever got over it. When her parents passed away the rest of the estate was left equally between the two. However the younger sister had a mortgage free house whilst my friend had to save and pay a mortgage.
Her parents couldn’t see what the problem was🤯
Having a favourite and / treating your kids differently is never ever OK.
You are right to be royal p….ed about this.

@ManyRiversToCross I know a few families that have made extra provision for a vulnerable or disabled dc. None of the other family members have an issue with it all.

Sounds harsh and unfair as a sibling prehaps at this moment and time.

But perfectly rational as a parent. One daughter has a house, parents have a 2nd house and are considering giving it to the 2nd daughter.
Parents always want to help their kids. Ultimately parents wealth is the children's wealth.

Personally, I'd let it happen and be happy for my sister. As you never know what will be round the corner for you.

Maybe your parents have other savings set aside for you, prehaps your sister will be able to gift you something financially rewarding in the future, or maybe your parents current house is intended for you and will be worth a great fortune in the future and you'll be able to help you own children with it.

Be happy for your sister's good fortune, be happy with your own good fortune. Look positively to the future avoid focusing on the negative.

Money comes and goes,.. family ties are for life.

Why haven't you said anything ? You're not being unreasonable at all! I think you should communicate your hurt to them and perhaps share a suggestion of how you could both have some mortgage relief from the house, for example your sister not buy half the property and your parents give you the cash to pay off your mortgage ? Or at least have your name on the deeds. It's ridiculous.

Absolutely unfair.
Im not even gonna talk about the fact that people are aggravated about you living at home rent free for a few years while working (it is VERY common in my country).
But gifting a fully paid off house to a sibling and not the other? No.

I would speak to your parents and say that, while obviously, it is their property and their money, the fair thing to do would be to sell the house and them split it more or less evenly between you and your sister.

She would then have a good deposit for a house, and you could pay off at least some of the mortgage. I wouldnt even be opposed to your sister getting a bit more, as she doesnt have a house yet and prices have gone up. But you should also get a decent chunk of that.

And then, as heirs, whenever your parents pass away (hopefully in the very distant future), the two of you will decide what to do with their current house between the two of you.

1. your sister hasn't done anything wrong

2. at what point, if any, do parents stop being responsible for making sure their children feel they are being treated fairly, and just be allowed to make decisions that they feel are right?

Also, to add, I only know one family whose parents gifted their kids houses.
3 kids. And they all got a house from their parents.
The values of the houses were different, as the times they were gifted the houses differred by a few years each. But at least each sibling had a mortage free house.

My mum bought me a house and not my siblings. It might seem unfair to some, but circumstances have meant I have needed this help while my siblings have not. However, I and my siblings know that when my parents die this substantial gift will be deducted from any inheritance i would have got. My parents were very open with us all, so that no ill feeling would fester among us children.

I just don't understand why some parents do stuff like this.

Because they're either not very bright at all or they shamelessly favour one of their children.

But perfectly rational as a parent.

It's entirely possible to be a parent AND be reasonably intelligent, you know?

I agree with those saying that they're planning on leaving their own house to you in their will, and reckoning that giving each of you one house makes it fair. However, this is absolutely not fair at all.

Aside from the fact that, if either of them needs expensive care, it will be their own house (i.e. yours) that gets sold to pay for it and not their rental house (i.e. your sister's), even if they don't ever need to sell it to fund care, it's absolutely not the same as giving one house to a 20yo, meaning that she'll never need a mortgage, and giving the other house to somebody probably at least in her 50s (quite likely older), who had to have the burden of a mortgage for its full term. The only way it would really be fair would be if OP had won a very large amount on the lottery or was otherwise in a position that she wouldn't need a mortgage either.

Aside from this, although I realise that they don't owe them anything in the same way, I do feel sorry for the tenants just being chucked out as soon as they've 'fulfilled their purpose' in paying the parents' mortgage for them - especially if they were there doing so for a significant amount of time. I don't know if that was the parents' phrasing or OP's, but I find the wording of 'deciding if they want to keep their current tenants' very distasteful - as if they were just an inanimate object to be sold/scrapped/got rid of, as opposed to actual humans being made to leave their/their family's home.

Because they're either not very bright at all or they shamelessly favour one of their children.

To clarify, this is assuming that there isn't a big imbalance in wealth, health, genuine lifelong needs or other circumstances - but if there were, this would be obvious to the (adult) child given much less and thus the not unreasonable ill-feeling would not be a factor in the first place.

Maybe they’re planning to give you the other (bigger?) house later on as inheritance?
(if not then obviously no it’s not fair at all)

YANBU. In your parents' situation I

Oops! I would sell the rental and split the money equally between both of you.

This would piss me off too tbh, even despite not feeling entitled to my parents money and being quite happy to fend for myself.

In a few years time once the younger sister's career starts to progress she'll probably have shitloads more disposable income than OP who will likely be paying the mortgage for decades. The sister could quite feasibly spend her own money on second property and become a landlord.

Surely the parents will have to pay capital gains tax and cannot just give away a house that has been tenanted?

Maybe they’re planning to give you the other (bigger?) house later on as inheritance?
(if not then obviously no it’s not fair at all)

Clearly it's not the same thing, but in principle, if you were told in your 20s that you had won the jackpot in the lottery, but would not receive it until you were in your 60s or 70s.... other than not bothering to save for a pension and being glad that your grandchildren could have a charmed life.... would you feel unalloyed joy at the news?

Especially if you saw the next week's winner scoop a similar amount and be sent a cheque for the full amount in the next day's post?

This is EXACTLY what your parents should do

If they don't, it's very very unfair

Have they always preferred your sister and given her preferential treatment?

I'd sit down with your parents and have a chat

I’m not saying it’s ideal, but maybe the parents view it as giving one house to each sister in the end 🤷‍♀️ We’re 3 sisters and one of my older sisters got a house (that my parents inherited from grandparents) years ago and the rest of the inheritance will be split between me and my other sister eventually. I can’t say I’m too upset by that.

Otherwise it would feel really weird to give one whole house to one sister and nothing to the other one so probably speaking to them to see what their plan/logic is would be a good idea. That’s all I’m saying 🤷‍♀️

This is grossly unfair. My mum gives my sister so much financial support and it has really badly affected all our relationships. She now does it with our children and it really bothers me - to the point where i had to stop spending time with my mum when they were younger.
Please say something. It might not make any difference but at least you will have had your say. How they can think this is okay is beyond me.
if they sold it and split the money your sister could still buy somewhere with a healthy deposit and a mortgage and you could pay yours off (or a big chunk of it).
To the posters arguing about how you managed to save & buy somewhere wtf!!!! My own dd is 24, has a similar wage to a teacher, has saved a deposit and is looking for somewhere to buy more. Not that unusual & why come on a thread to accuse you of lying about a minor detail?

Wouldn’t bother me as my parents are the “no one gave me a handout” mindset so never help out with anything. Sounds like yours are the complete opposite so credit where credit’s due, try not to let it poison your relationship as they sound very generous and caring.

A friend’s parents actually gave her sister a house maybe 20 years ago and my friend was extremely pissed as she worked her arse off to get her own place. I was sympathetic but can also see their thinking as the sister would never get her shit together and would probably end up in some horrible situation without a helping hand.

My friend now has a mortgage free home, uses her first home as an investment property and runs a successful business and the sister is a part time yoga instructor who constantly struggles financially but at least is not homeless.

It seems unfair your parents just handed your sister a major asset however ultimately you’re the one more likely to make the most of everything you have.

Of course it is unfair! OP will be stuck with a mortgage for decades but her sister will have oodles of disposable income and be set for life as she will be given a house for free. How can anyone think this is fair? The sister says there isn't a problem as "you've already got a house" but Op hasn't, the mortgage company has.
Yes, the parents may leave the house they live in to OP but they may not. As Pps have suggested the fairest thing would be for the second house to be sold and the proceeds split equally between the sisters.
OP, do you not have an aunt or uncle to speak up for you if you do not want to broach the subject yourself?

Have you broached this with your parents at all?

Just tell them you're upset by it, you're going to be paying off your mortgage for decades and won't own it until then and your sister will have a whole lifetime mortgage free.

No, OP does not have a house. She has a small portion of a house, and the bank owns the rest. Very different to owning one outright.