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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about my sister being given a house by my parents

332 replies

mammamia77 · 13/05/2023 20:44

My parents own two houses (one they live in and the other they rent out). The mortgage on the house they rent out is coming to an end and my parents have been deciding if they want to keep their current tenants or sell up. That was until today when my dad mentioned 'gifting' the house to my sister (aged 20) as another option. Obviously I know that the house belongs to my parents and they are free to do whatever they want with it, but I couldn't help feeling upset about this.

I'm 27 and bought my property aged 25 through hard work and years of saving, so I feel that it is unfair that I had to work so hard to buy my house and my sister just gets gifted with one. My sister could sense I was a bit annoyed over the situation and said something along the lines of 'I don't know what your problem is, you already have your own house'

So, AIBU unreasonable for feeling a bit pissed off that my sister may be given a house basically for free when I had to work so hard for mine?

OP posts:
NortieTortie · 13/05/2023 23:28

It's unfair to gift one child a house while the other has to pay a mortgage but most people don't get to stay at their parent's house rent free for half a decade to build a deposit for a mortgage... I don't know if I'm bitter or jealous of you both. Either way, your sister should be paying for x amount of time as a reduced rent to your parents or it should have been split between you.

LivingTheDreamNow · 13/05/2023 23:28

Not fair at all, I have 3 children and recently downsized to give all 3 a decent deposit to buy a flat/house.
My husband’s parents favoured a child each and it’s led to them not being close at all, mainly due to this factor.
I would also try to help each child out financially if they needed it in a difficult situation but would always make sure that it evened up eventually with the others.
You have every right to be upset and it probably will affect your relationship with your sister in the long run.
It’s bad parenting to favour one child over another, if they’ve made future provision for you they should let you know.
But there is the possibility that if either of them end up going into a care home then there might not be anything left for you in the future.

Littlewhitecat · 13/05/2023 23:31

This happened in my family - it has caused no end of issues. Only people who have never experienced this will come out with trite shit about how you should rise above it, or you should be super grateful you don't need the help. My DB (recipient of the house) has lurched from one fuck up to another completely enabled by endless handouts from DM. I wouldn't swap my life for his but I could do without my DM saying things like isn't it great that your brother has found the time to go hiking for 6 months, buy a rental property, not work full time etc etc. She seems oblivious that this is only possible because she gave him a fucking house. Oh and guess who is expected to look after her? It's not him.

Cactusprick · 13/05/2023 23:34

OP maybe some of the people replying don’t have a sister, or just 1 sibling so can’t relate? I don’t know, but I completely understand why you’d be pissed off.
It’s very unfair treatment from your parents if they do gift her the house. I think you should 100% raise it with them.
How could you make life SO easy for one child by enabling them to be mortgage free (potentially for life!) and the other be paying a mortgage well into (probably) their 50s?!
Completely unfair.
They should sell the property and split the money between you both.

billy1966 · 13/05/2023 23:34

OP, YANBU in your feelings.

I think you do realise that it is up to your parents to decide what they want to do.

However, it is perfectly reasonable for you to tell them that whilst it IS up to them, the unfairness of this will hurt and upset you and just like you accept their choice, they will have to accept that you will be upset.

I think fairness is very important.

It causes real unfairness and ruins families.

I have seen it many times over the years and every dingle time it has soured the relationships between parents and siblings.

The worst thing is to let it fester.

Tell them the truth.

They sound like grrat parents, so be honest with them.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 13/05/2023 23:36

CabbagePatchDole · 13/05/2023 23:20

It seems a really nice gesture for them
to give your sister the house. However sibling rivalry being what it is perhaps they should have sold the house and split the proceeds between you…nah! After writing that I think they have made the right choice. Now both their kids have the security of their home. Your parents are great. I am sure they will give you a little something at some point in the future.

OP has a mortgage 🙄

CinnamonJellyBeans · 13/05/2023 23:36

Blatant favouritism. YANBU.

stayathomer · 13/05/2023 23:36

My sister is not struggling though. She's a 20 year old who lives at home rent free and gets all her bills paid. She could save loads of money if she really wanted to, to build a deposit for a house, just as I did
But it’s going to be more difficult for her than it was for you given the prices gone up and the current economic climate. I hear so many people saying now that single people have been priced out of the market

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 13/05/2023 23:38

YANBU

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/05/2023 23:48

@stayathomer I don’t think the OP’s sister is going to struggle much if she gets given half a £200k house rather than all of it

BestZebbie · 13/05/2023 23:50

Perhaps they don't want to have her at home saving up for another four years and are trying to reach an empty nest!

planningnightmare · 13/05/2023 23:59

YANBU

completely unfair.

as your house is mortgaged it is not comparable to a mortgage free house - your circumstances can change, interest rates can change, it is simple not comparable with never having to pay back a mortgage.

financially, but also emotionally - your parents treat you very differently here.

did your parents explain why they decided do this? is there a history of favouritism?

planningnightmare · 14/05/2023 00:01

and obviously the house should he sold and equal shares should go to you and your sister, which would mean she has a deposit to buy her own property.

silverlentils · 14/05/2023 00:03

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 13/05/2023 21:21

What your parents should be doing is selling the rental and splitting the money between you and your ds.

This ^
Then your sister can buy a flat with her share to get her on the property ladder, and you can pay a big chunk off your mortgage

McGoadyFromFuckingGoadyville · 14/05/2023 00:10

I'd stop speaking to them over such blatant favoritism. And lucky for your sister she gets to look after them in their old age.

SpringCherryPie · 14/05/2023 00:18

Of course this is a massive deal, your sister has been given a house and you haven’t. It’s favouritism and it’s not fair.

I’d raise it with your parents - see what they say. If they are ‘it’s none of your business’ then they are being unfair.

ManyRiversToCross · 14/05/2023 00:25

In our will we have made additional provision for one of our children, to get an extra 250k to buy a flat, or be gifted any flat they might be living in that we own.

In our defense said child is very vulnerable, unable to work, and it's our fear that they will be made homeless and destitute when we die....would this sort of arrangement make sense to you? I hate to think we will leave behind I'll feeling towards our one child from the others.

MumofSpud · 14/05/2023 00:30

YANBU
I would have thought that, unless there is a huge backstory, your parents should have sold the house and then divided the proceeds between the 2 of you.

BadNomad · 14/05/2023 00:33

ManyRiversToCross · 14/05/2023 00:25

In our will we have made additional provision for one of our children, to get an extra 250k to buy a flat, or be gifted any flat they might be living in that we own.

In our defense said child is very vulnerable, unable to work, and it's our fear that they will be made homeless and destitute when we die....would this sort of arrangement make sense to you? I hate to think we will leave behind I'll feeling towards our one child from the others.

Sadly, I think parents giving one child an extra quarter of a million pounds would upset many people. Can you not help them all out while you're alive? By leaving it until after death, you risk causing bad feelings which can't ever be resolved. It's not going to help that vulnerable person to be resented by the rest of their family.

ManyRiversToCross · 14/05/2023 00:39

Badnomad

The rest of the estate split evenly between all the children should give them approx 250k each anyway. Vulnerable (autistic) child's portion will go into a trust fund to be administered by their siblings. Hopefully by the time we die the others will have their own homes; we expect vulnerable child to continue living with us or locally in semi supported living.

Our plan would be to tell them of these arrangements once they are all adults.

Im99912 · 14/05/2023 00:44

@ManyRiversToCross

while I don’t think your doing the wrong thing
your other children may feel differently especially if any burden of looking after or ensuring your vulnerable child is safe falls to the

depending on how vulnerable your child is I would probably consider some sort of trust for that property or cash to be held in .
if it’s in a trust it can protect your child from people trying to take advantage of them in order to get there hands on or control such a large sum of money

Also if the money is in a trust - I think if it’s called a bare trust it can’t be taken into account if the persons gets state benefits .

again being vulnerable they may be easy to exploit money from and even the property so by setting up a trust.this could be easily prevented as technically your child won’t own anything as it’s owned by the trust so anyone trying to get there hands on money or property would hit a brick wall .

BadNomad · 14/05/2023 00:44

ManyRiversToCross · 14/05/2023 00:39

Badnomad

The rest of the estate split evenly between all the children should give them approx 250k each anyway. Vulnerable (autistic) child's portion will go into a trust fund to be administered by their siblings. Hopefully by the time we die the others will have their own homes; we expect vulnerable child to continue living with us or locally in semi supported living.

Our plan would be to tell them of these arrangements once they are all adults.

It's slightly different then if it's going into a trust rather than being a lump sum they can buy a house with.

Im99912 · 14/05/2023 00:45

@ManyRiversToCross.
sorry we cross posted
that’s good that you have set up a trust
stops any vultures from circling

VoiceOfCommonSense · 14/05/2023 00:46

mammamia77 · 13/05/2023 20:44

My parents own two houses (one they live in and the other they rent out). The mortgage on the house they rent out is coming to an end and my parents have been deciding if they want to keep their current tenants or sell up. That was until today when my dad mentioned 'gifting' the house to my sister (aged 20) as another option. Obviously I know that the house belongs to my parents and they are free to do whatever they want with it, but I couldn't help feeling upset about this.

I'm 27 and bought my property aged 25 through hard work and years of saving, so I feel that it is unfair that I had to work so hard to buy my house and my sister just gets gifted with one. My sister could sense I was a bit annoyed over the situation and said something along the lines of 'I don't know what your problem is, you already have your own house'

So, AIBU unreasonable for feeling a bit pissed off that my sister may be given a house basically for free when I had to work so hard for mine?

Maybe they just like her more than you?

itsrainin · 14/05/2023 00:49

mammamia77 · 13/05/2023 22:31

I still don't think it's fair though. Obviously they saved me money as I didn't pay rent for four years, but my sister may be getting a house that's fully paid off worth over 200k. Would you let that lie?

Show quote history

What do you mean by “let that lie?” You’re not entitled to anything, you have no recourse. You don’t even know what the agreement is eg she may need to repay them in some way, there is likely some form of business transaction within this. Could be a way to hide assets even, with possible legal matters or future inheritance tax