Vegan inviting themselves to join a dinner resulting in everyone having a crap dinner

[NewShoesForSpring]

I was away with work meeting several international colleagues.

3 of us were staying in the same direction & decided we'd head back together & get some dinner on the way. The quiet girl, let's call her Mary, heard us & said she was staying in the same general direction & would leave with us. We had no problem with this & so once we were finished up that drink we left the general group & checked if she was ready etc

We get off the metro at a busy area close to where our hotels are & there are loads of lovely bistros etc, all busy so one of the group suggestes we try one that looks v nice & has loads of people dining etc. We go over to take a look at the menu (though if it had been just me & the person who suggested it I'd say we'd have just gone straight in! It was getting late & we'd been slightly concerned we wouldn't even find dinner at that stage. So this place looked perfect.

Anyway Maria is hesitating by the menu & then she pipes up that she's vegan....

She tries asking the waiter if they have anything but he doesn't understand & do we're all standing about dithering & she had NO suggestions of what she'd like to do..we start walking around the square looking at all the menus....its now 10.15pm...I can feel our chances of finding some nice food fading...

She spends AGES reading every menu to reject them all. Eventually she stops in front of a cheap Lebanese place & says 'oh falafel I love them...' so we found ourselves eating a really crap dinner. Essentially it was like a takeaway place with plastic cutlery.

The colleague who suggested the Bistro is perhaps late 60s & has a condition that gives her a tremor & she wanted to sit inside as it was getting chilly outside

Maria the vegan said oh shall we sit outside? It's nicer..more dithering for the group of 4 if us as we don't know each other & everyone was trying to be polite

I was getting to the end of my patience then so went to the bathroom & said I'd find them

Came out...they were outside...poor other colleague was wrapping a scarf around herself. We were surrounded by people smoking those glass pipe things (I forget the name)

The food was v basic. I ordered a vegetarian plate (it looked like that might be the best option ). It consisted of cubed potatoes, rice, a small spoon of veg moussaka & bread - cards on carbs!

I ate it without fuss & also worked hard to keep the small talk inclusive etc . I asked Maria how she normally copes with the vegan diet when travelling & she said she usually gets supermarket food. So from that point of view I was glad she did stay out.

But bloody hell there was a really selfish part of me thar was looking longingly across the square at the lovely bistro & wishing for a lovely glass of red wine & steak et frites...it had been tantalisingly close. I also wanted to chat to the older colleague about a part of work / project we're both involved in but it would have left Maria out of the loop.

And to top it all...I we spent so long faffing about finding vegan food by the time I got back to my hotel the bar had closed so I never even got thar glass of wine!

I REALLY wanted to say to Maria & the 4th colleague who didn't seem at all bothered by any of it - you go for the vegan stuff. Me & other colleague want go in here & eat meat / fish. But somehow that just didn't seem possible.

I woke up today feeling like a horrible person even though i did not let Maria know I was irritated....

If you have an unusual, restrictive and strict diet (and veganism is pretty unusual, restrictive and strict, and in some countries more unusual than in others), which you know isn't well catered for by the majority of restaurants in the area, it's really inconsiderate to just announce that you're tagging yourself onto a group that's going for dinner, and then only reveal your special diet at the restaurant door.

The entire thing was caused by Maria inserting herself into the dinner group, without even telling them at the time that her joining them would impose heavy restrictions on the group's choices, or asking if this was okay with everyone. Everything else followed on from that, with the potential for awkwardness in all further choices or actions.

I can sympathise with her situation — I'm a coeliac, which also requires an unusual, restrictive and strict diet, and it can be a pain in the arse finding somewhere I can get safe food when out. But I wouldn't just decide that it's okay to covertly impose that future hassle on a whole group of people I barely know, without even telling them about it until we're at the restaurant door and it's too awkward for them to say they don't want to accommodate me — especially when it's late, restaurants are close to closing, and everyone's tired and hungry.

But I fail to believe that there would t have been one single thing on the menu of a bistro that was t suitable .

Even if she had chosen something and asked if it could be adapted.

Bad none of you spoke up. Plenty of bistros have vegan options. Perhaps I would have left her reject the first place but not the second without speaking up. You mentioned she's quiet, so if any of you had spoken out I don't think she would have insisted.

I think you've done a nice thing to include Maria.

I would have said 'Okay off you go then, I'll eat here and see you later'. Job done.

You wanted to eat meat and fish, yet you ordered the vegetarian plate? YABU.

If Mary didn't know about your colleague's health condition and her need to sit inside, and you didn't tell her, YABU.

I don't eat meat or dairy but in this situation I would have gone with whatever restaurant option and just ordered chips or something, not made everyone trawl round so YANBU there.

I've had a very similar situation to this where the vegan party was rejecting everything we came across until it got so late we ended up somewhere no one really wanted to eat.

In your situation I would have:

1. asked the waiter myself using google translate to confirm they do nothing vegan, and that there was no chance of them making any of the dishes they do serve vegan. If he said no, I would have asked him which places nearby do do vegan food.
2. If he didn't know, I would have used google maps and searched for a vegan place near by instead of walking around
3. I would also have considered that maybe price was a factor here? Maybe the girl wanted to eat somewhere cheaper?

The sitting outside - if the older person wanted to sit inside they could have easily said no, I want to sit inside because I'm cold. I'm sure the vegan girl wouldn't have objected.

Veganism is a preference, and many people forget that. If you were looking for a bar, and all of you liked 80s music, you wouldn't all suffer if ONE liked Country music.

If you make a dietary choice that you know will severely reduce the enjoyment of other's mealtimes, than you have to accept that you'll either not be invited out, or if you are that your options will be severely limited, or you'll have to spend significant time in advance finding somewhere suitable for all the other participants.

I'm dairy free and was asked before the event about this. They hadn't bothered to cater for me and told me to get my own food. Why bother asking if you're going to ignore my needs?

@NewShoesForSpring Honestly I just could not do that. I cannot imagine turning to her & saying essentialiy I don't care that you can't eat here nor that you have no idea where you might find food suitable at all and it's 10.30pm - sort yourself out, I'm staying here.

It’s just normal social behaviour. You went out of your way on the metro together with the purpose of eating.
I don’t think any of these posters would then proclaim outside a restaurant ‘I don’t care that the waiter couldn’t point out anything you could eat, I’m going in and you guys can do whatever the fuck you want.
There are three reasons for this behaviour, just generally a bellend, someone who cannot understand social norms or just the classic MN keyboard warrior who loves to throw around these sort of comments on posts but would obviously never do it.

Omg it was a work trip. Who expects the perfect meal out when they're hanging out with colleagues they've never met before. The entire situation is about compromise.

I'm travelling for work in a place with an incredible food scene at the moment. There are certain restaurants I really want to go to, so I've booked them for myself on certain nights. On other nights I know I'll be eating with colleagues and it's just a given that there will be compromise and I'm not going to have my favourite meal of the trip. The point on those nights is to meet colleagues or network with them, not to have a foodie experience.

Maria does sound annoying. Just use Google and stop dithering FFS.

Cheap Lebanese places rarely let me down though, and I speak as a foodie. Some of the best meals I've ever had have been in takeaway-style immigrant joints with plastic cutlery.

You should have just said you were going to head back to the bistro. I would have done that even if it meant eating alone

YANBU I find vegans to be incredibly selfish people on the whole, as well as always looking pale and unhealthy. Someone should have told her she was ruining it for everyone. If you are being unreasonable about anything, is that you didn't say something, you let her get away with it. So everyone suffered because you/no one called her out on her behaviour.

I agree with this.

Why does choosing to eat vegan food mean you rule the roost? I just dont get it

It happens where I work.....' Oh, we can't go there because John is vegan'

Fuck that. The rest of us aren't vegan, so we want MEAT

I appreciate its important to be as inclusive as possible but surely in these situations, majority rules?

No one was forced to eat vegan though, it wasn’t a vegan or even vegetarian option. It simply offered meat and vegan options.
For some reason OP chose to order a vegetarian dish and then complain about it.
Anyone who wanted meat could have had it.

This situation is exactly majority rules. The majority of people were clearly happy to go somewhere that had an option for everyone and the majority of people made it seem like they were happy to sit outside.

That's a great point, @Sissynova. Because the other 3 didn't explicitly say what they wanted, majority did appear to rule! Although rumbling deep within was a desire to eat elsewhere - which went unexpressed!

It's literally just one meal, I'm sure you'll have more of your choice

If you was so bothered you should have mentioned it

As a vegan in that situation I'd have gone to the bistro and eaten chips and bread, or just had a drink and bought myself something after. She was rude to drag you all around different restaurants to try to cater for her.

What an unnecessary mess up.

Depending on which county you were in, its not that unusual for a vegan to expect to find something suitable to eat on a menu even if they do have to compromise. Contrary to popular belief many vegans just get on with things and don’t need to broadcast at the outset that they are vegan, although in some countries that may have been helpful. The vegan did attempt to compromise by asking the waiter if there was anything suitable and they didn’t understand what was being asked. No one else in the group appears to have tried to make the request understood.

The rest of the group went along with checking out further establishments. Each and everyone of you could have said something at that point. If there was something on the menu that appealed to the ominis, the opportunity appeared to have been missed to ask if something could be prepared for the vegan.

It sounds like the takeaway place did have the option to sit inside (although that is not fully clear) and given the health of one of the group, she should have said something, or as you were so concerned, you could have said something and insisted that you ate inside, either there or elsewhere.

As you wanted alcohol, you should have made your feelings clear that wherever you ate alcohol needed to be available.

You were responsible for your own choice off the menu and given you ordered a carb laden veggie dish, you sound surprised that it contained a lot of carbs. Had you chosen something else your experience may have been very different.

There were lots of opportunities for others in the group to change the course of events, but not one of you appeared to have attempted to do so. You can still be polite, but put forward your own preferences or suggestions.

You are unreasonable not to have spoken up at the time. Why are people so wet? Would it really be so bad if someone who you'll probably never see again thinks you're a bit mean?

This has nothing to do with being vegan and a lot to do with being totally selfish and entitled as your colleague was.
Far too common these days.

She could have used Google translate to ask if vegan food was available

YANBU, though as Maria had invited herself along you should’ve just gone to the bistro and firmly said “we’ll eat here, let’s go in and I’m sure we can get them to make you a salad”. I understand the need to be polite, but I feel for your older colleague who needed to be indoors.

Nah, she shouldn’t have been okay with all of you eating at what sounds a bit like a kebab shop. I wouldn’t even eat in those when I was 18, let alone 60. And I can’t imagine our local Lebanese frying falafel in its own oil, away from the similar kibbeh stuffed with lamb but I digress… I’m not a foodie by any stretch but once it was decided that was to be the place, and if it was a bit grubby looking, I might have even have excused myself and said I’d be heading back - and have tried picking up something to my taste along the way.

And I think it was unreasonable of her to not use Google translate and ask for a salad to be knocked up, instead causing you all to have to traipse around before settling on something mediocre, including your colleague with a health condition.