Vegan inviting themselves to join a dinner resulting in everyone having a crap dinner

[NewShoesForSpring]

I was away with work meeting several international colleagues.

3 of us were staying in the same direction & decided we'd head back together & get some dinner on the way. The quiet girl, let's call her Mary, heard us & said she was staying in the same general direction & would leave with us. We had no problem with this & so once we were finished up that drink we left the general group & checked if she was ready etc

We get off the metro at a busy area close to where our hotels are & there are loads of lovely bistros etc, all busy so one of the group suggestes we try one that looks v nice & has loads of people dining etc. We go over to take a look at the menu (though if it had been just me & the person who suggested it I'd say we'd have just gone straight in! It was getting late & we'd been slightly concerned we wouldn't even find dinner at that stage. So this place looked perfect.

Anyway Maria is hesitating by the menu & then she pipes up that she's vegan....

She tries asking the waiter if they have anything but he doesn't understand & do we're all standing about dithering & she had NO suggestions of what she'd like to do..we start walking around the square looking at all the menus....its now 10.15pm...I can feel our chances of finding some nice food fading...

She spends AGES reading every menu to reject them all. Eventually she stops in front of a cheap Lebanese place & says 'oh falafel I love them...' so we found ourselves eating a really crap dinner. Essentially it was like a takeaway place with plastic cutlery.

The colleague who suggested the Bistro is perhaps late 60s & has a condition that gives her a tremor & she wanted to sit inside as it was getting chilly outside

Maria the vegan said oh shall we sit outside? It's nicer..more dithering for the group of 4 if us as we don't know each other & everyone was trying to be polite

I was getting to the end of my patience then so went to the bathroom & said I'd find them

Came out...they were outside...poor other colleague was wrapping a scarf around herself. We were surrounded by people smoking those glass pipe things (I forget the name)

The food was v basic. I ordered a vegetarian plate (it looked like that might be the best option ). It consisted of cubed potatoes, rice, a small spoon of veg moussaka & bread - cards on carbs!

I ate it without fuss & also worked hard to keep the small talk inclusive etc . I asked Maria how she normally copes with the vegan diet when travelling & she said she usually gets supermarket food. So from that point of view I was glad she did stay out.

But bloody hell there was a really selfish part of me thar was looking longingly across the square at the lovely bistro & wishing for a lovely glass of red wine & steak et frites...it had been tantalisingly close. I also wanted to chat to the older colleague about a part of work / project we're both involved in but it would have left Maria out of the loop.

And to top it all...I we spent so long faffing about finding vegan food by the time I got back to my hotel the bar had closed so I never even got thar glass of wine!

I REALLY wanted to say to Maria & the 4th colleague who didn't seem at all bothered by any of it - you go for the vegan stuff. Me & other colleague want go in here & eat meat / fish. But somehow that just didn't seem possible.

I woke up today feeling like a horrible person even though i did not let Maria know I was irritated....

I can see why the dithering around when you're hungry and it's so late is very annoying but I don't see what other choice you'd have had in this situation if the places you were looking at couldn't accommodate her (which really they probably could have). It would have been rude to exclude her purely because of her diet. If she required any other specialist diet such as halal etc i don't think it would be acceptable to leave that person eating alone just so you can have what you want. In terms of sitting outside- she's not unreasonable to suggest it but any of the others could really have said tbh I'm cold let's sit inside and it sounds like she probably would have gone along with that. I think it's reasonable to expect her to network just as you wanted to network with your other colleague since its a work trip. If the alternative is for her to sit alone in her hotel room then I'd have been more then happy to have her along.

Do none of you have Google Translate on your phone?

She should have just had chips.

Signs annoying but you did the right thing collectively attempting to find a meal all could enjoy. It's a work occasion where diplomacy is best, so frustrating but also that's life.
I don't think binning off the vegan and splitting up would have been the right thing to do on balance.

On a slightly tangential point, why are vegans being described as 'piping' rather than 'speaking' on here? Is this some sort of vocal defect that can only be avoided by the consumption of farm animals?

Just to clarify a couple of things again.

• the meal was not planned in advance
• we realised we were sll travelling in same direction so decided to go on metro together
• I don't know any of these people outside of zoom & in some cases 1 other in person meeting
• I did not plan to eat in that bistro. We all saw it at the same time when we came out of the metro station
• I do not know that older colleague has a condition nor what it is. I just noticed she has a tremor. I would not dream of saying anything along the lines of pointing this out
• Mary seemed sceptical that the bistro food would be vegan - even if they said it was
• there was a language barrier between all of us as well as the country we were in though they all speak English
• I had no intentions of being rude to anyone
• I thought it was better to be accommodating as best I could be & kept all my thoughts inside (until here now)
• I'm finding it unusual to be accused of being passive as its not actually my style & I was actually holding myself back from getting into 'boss' mode as I'm certainly not the boss of anyone in that group

Why was that on Maria? Two people were vocal about wanting to sit outside. The OP didn’t raise any issue therefore making it seem like she was in agreement and neither did the older person. It doesn’t make her look selfish at all, Maria wasn’t going around demanding everyone should sit outside against their will. Two of them
suggested it and the older persons response was to get her things and go outside!
At the end of the day random coworkers are not mindreaders

Are we supposed to believe Maria would have forced them to sit outside against their will because that’s what vegans so apparently?

Maybe they write for the daily mail? 😂

I'd have said "I'm off for a kebab/curry/fish & chips - if anyone fancies coming along please do - otherwise, see you tomorrow".

You sound like you just dislike vegans really.

• @NewShoesForSpring Mary seemed sceptical that the bistro food would be vegan - even if they said it was

Well that seems logical considering she approached a waiter to ask if they had a vegan option and he wasn’t able
to understand her or tell her they they did in fact have a vegan option. You can hardly put that on her being difficult!

I would have gone back to the hotel and ordered room service.

I think I'd have just said "wel we like the look of this place - we can ask about vegan options but we're goi g to go here - are you coming ?

It's not fair to let one person. Dictate the majority. If there's been 3 vegans and you - fine - but you all danced to one persons tune . I wouldn't have done it .
She would have found something to eat - bugger that in future .

You obviously don’t know her well at all. One minute she’s called Mary in your posts, then Maria. 😏

@CheshireCat1 I did actually contemplate that but I felt that might have been rude since we were all supposed to be looking for food. I then had it in my mind I'd at least have a lovely glass of wine in the bar but I was too late so that little plan was scuppered 😀

I made up a name & then fogot which one I'd used as it's been a v long day of travel & I'm not home yet. I'm whiling away a long train journey with this thread

I don't think you did anything wrong and I understand why you acted as you did in this situation, it was incredibly difficult. I find it hard to believe all of these people would actually be so rude IRL as to abandon someone because they couldn't find a vegan option.
Also, you feeling unable to speak up in the situation does not mean you forfeit the right to feel disappointed in how the night turned out and have a bit of a rant about it on an anonymous forum.

YANBU for feeling the way you do, and tbh I don't think you were U for feeling that you had to go along with Maria's choice of restaurant. I don't think there's much else you could have done apart from feel privately annoyed. That doesn't even mean it was necessarily Maria's fault...
I'm a vegetarian and I would always just make do with whatever option there was available rather than monopolise the whole group, BUT if like Maria I was genuinely concerned that I couldn't trust the restaurant not to cook the chips in animal fats or to know the difference between meat/vegan and potentially serve me something that they claimed was veggie that actually wasn't, then I wouldn't want to be forced to eat there. It was just a difficult situation all round really.

Nothing to do with her being vegan, more about her as a person if she was aware another colleague had a medical issue affected by the cold but didn't consider it. Reading the OPs update though it seems it was just assumed this lady had a medical condition, no one really knew much about each other and no one wanted to speak up about what they wanted to do. Rubbish situation for everyone, sounds like getting room service or something from the supermarket would have been the best bet!

Honestly? Yes, without hesitation.

I LIKE vegan food. I cook roughly 50% vegan, 75% veggie at home.

& if I had arranged to have dinner with Maria, I'd have found & booked a vegan restaurant & enjoyed it.

But if I hadn't pre-arranged to dine with Maria, & it was getting late-ish with nothing booked, then I would have been a 'drop in' at a restaurant which looked good.

Maria would be welcome to join me if she could find anything on the menu she fancied. Or to eat elsewhere if not.

No, it was centred around the 1 vegan in the group. Selfish

So speaks the vegan, look at me I'm so special and the world has to revolve around my fads. They should have gone where they wanted and she would have been free to either join them or find somewhere else. Alt least they'll know to say No to her next time.

Thanks @PinkStarAtNight that's pretty much how I felt about it
Plus it was all happening at that moment. We did not know in advance that we were looking for vegan options. We were trying to find a place to eat in a city we don't know. It was late with a real possibility of service finishing as we were trying to find somewhere suitable
Older colleague & i did try the 'oh this looks perfect, let's go in here- look they're still serving' and were at the door & that's when M said she's vegan. She dithered at the menu for a few mins & we suggested she ask the waiter. They had a brief conversation & she came back to us shaking her head that it was a no go...

So in that split second we had to decide to say oh that's a pity but we're going in here - see you later..or looking around a square with lots of places, say why don't we see of one of these have something you can eat...

This is nothing to do with her being vegan and everything to do with her being an incompetent person. The fact that she can't handle her lifestyle / dietary choices without being dependent on a few safe foods is on her.

A bit different but my son has a (severe) egg allergy. You can bet that whatever country I travel to with him, I can read, understand and say enough of the language to

1. find 'egg' on an ingredients list or menu
2. understand what a waiter is saying
3. explain to waiter / chef he has an allergy.

We've eaten out all over the place and it's never been an issue and we've always been accommodated. No decent restaurant would turn away business over a relatively simple menu adaptation. I've always found most places speak perfectly adequate English anyway but it's not hard to know a few words.

Next time say ' you know what, I'm sure that bistro would be happy to accommodate and make something vegan for you' let's ask as it looks really nice and I fancy going there.

I don't suppose she's the only vegan in whatever country it was you were visiting.

As opposed to the group revolving around the OP wanting a glass of wine and a steak?
The other people were not vocal about any particular restaurant. They weren’t forced to do anything.
It doesn’t appear that anyone else had an issue with it other than OP.

Sounds believable. 😅🤣