Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Vegan inviting themselves to join a dinner resulting in everyone having a crap dinner

258 replies

NewShoesForSpring · 13/05/2023 20:31

I was away with work meeting several international colleagues.

3 of us were staying in the same direction & decided we'd head back together & get some dinner on the way. The quiet girl, let's call her Mary, heard us & said she was staying in the same general direction & would leave with us. We had no problem with this & so once we were finished up that drink we left the general group & checked if she was ready etc

We get off the metro at a busy area close to where our hotels are & there are loads of lovely bistros etc, all busy so one of the group suggestes we try one that looks v nice & has loads of people dining etc. We go over to take a look at the menu (though if it had been just me & the person who suggested it I'd say we'd have just gone straight in! It was getting late & we'd been slightly concerned we wouldn't even find dinner at that stage. So this place looked perfect.

Anyway Maria is hesitating by the menu & then she pipes up that she's vegan....

She tries asking the waiter if they have anything but he doesn't understand & do we're all standing about dithering & she had NO suggestions of what she'd like to do..we start walking around the square looking at all the menus....its now 10.15pm...I can feel our chances of finding some nice food fading...

She spends AGES reading every menu to reject them all. Eventually she stops in front of a cheap Lebanese place & says 'oh falafel I love them...' so we found ourselves eating a really crap dinner. Essentially it was like a takeaway place with plastic cutlery.

The colleague who suggested the Bistro is perhaps late 60s & has a condition that gives her a tremor & she wanted to sit inside as it was getting chilly outside

Maria the vegan said oh shall we sit outside? It's nicer..more dithering for the group of 4 if us as we don't know each other & everyone was trying to be polite

I was getting to the end of my patience then so went to the bathroom & said I'd find them

Came out...they were outside...poor other colleague was wrapping a scarf around herself. We were surrounded by people smoking those glass pipe things (I forget the name)

The food was v basic. I ordered a vegetarian plate (it looked like that might be the best option ). It consisted of cubed potatoes, rice, a small spoon of veg moussaka & bread - cards on carbs!

I ate it without fuss & also worked hard to keep the small talk inclusive etc . I asked Maria how she normally copes with the vegan diet when travelling & she said she usually gets supermarket food. So from that point of view I was glad she did stay out.

But bloody hell there was a really selfish part of me thar was looking longingly across the square at the lovely bistro & wishing for a lovely glass of red wine & steak et frites...it had been tantalisingly close. I also wanted to chat to the older colleague about a part of work / project we're both involved in but it would have left Maria out of the loop.

And to top it all...I we spent so long faffing about finding vegan food by the time I got back to my hotel the bar had closed so I never even got thar glass of wine!

I REALLY wanted to say to Maria & the 4th colleague who didn't seem at all bothered by any of it - you go for the vegan stuff. Me & other colleague want go in here & eat meat / fish. But somehow that just didn't seem possible.

I woke up today feeling like a horrible person even though i did not let Maria know I was irritated....

OP posts:
FairAcre · 13/05/2023 20:48

I can understand your frustration. Veganism is a lifestyle choice unlike an allergy. I don’t see why everyone else has to suffer.

Boomboom22 · 13/05/2023 20:49

You should have spoken up. She was rude tagging on and then taking over everything. I wouldn't want to eat somewhere that isn't a proper restaurant. I'd likely have saus sorry this will be a work chat dinner not social in the first place.

TheRevolutionmaywellbetelevised · 13/05/2023 20:51

I don’t eat meat, occasionally (maybe once a month) eat fish but I wouldn’t dream of imposing my non-essential needs/choices on people like this. She sounds a bit of a pita.

MultipleVeganPies · 13/05/2023 20:52

Being vegan is a choice, not a disability

so in your shoes I’d have happily said: I am def going for the steak frites in this bistro, I’ve been dreaming about it all day, maybe we can split the group and meet after again for a drink?

the risk would have been that I’d have ended up eating alone, but I would have been fine with that too.

if the vegan colleague would have done a bit of research and suggested a nice vegan place, I would have happily changed plans btw. Am not anti vegan, just anti selfish-people (and she WAS selfish to foist her choice on you)

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2023 20:52

Her being vegan wasn't a problem. Her being exceptionally selfish was.

Goodread1 · 13/05/2023 20:52

She sounds like a right pain the Arse being so particular and it was really late first place !
expecting people to walk hell of a lot pandering catering to her lifestyle choice , !

I would have been really pissed off being exceptionally freezing bloody cold..!

How selfish she didn't compromise at all...

"It was me myself and I "

Selfish 🐄 mooo

InYourPocket · 13/05/2023 20:54

You’ll always get people that push themselves to the front. It’s fuck all to do with being a vegan or a meat eater. It’s just that some people only think of themselves.

I’m vegan. I’ve never acted like this. We decide on a restaurant together, something that everyone is happy with.

You’re an adult and need to speak up.

Goodread1 · 13/05/2023 20:54

Sort of person

She is type of person to give vegan ism a bad reputation...

InYourPocket · 13/05/2023 20:55

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2023 20:52

Her being vegan wasn't a problem. Her being exceptionally selfish was.

Exactly.

Combine that with passive people and you’ll be walked all over.

InYourPocket · 13/05/2023 20:57

Goodread1 · 13/05/2023 20:54

Sort of person

She is type of person to give vegan ism a bad reputation...

Only to stupid people that think the few represent the many.

InBeautifulKindWays · 13/05/2023 20:58

InYourPocket · 13/05/2023 20:57

Only to stupid people that think the few represent the many.

Indeed.

coxesorangepippin · 13/05/2023 20:58

I would have had time for this when I was twenty.

Not anymore. You need to say, we're not vegan, either adapt to the resto we got to, or go home

Your diet isn't my problem

Skodacool · 13/05/2023 20:59

Surely vegan could have had a plate of chips!

CorvusPurpureus · 13/05/2023 21:01

'So I'm going for a yummy steak & a huge glass of wine in here - anyone else fancy it? Oh not for you Maria? See you tomorrow then. Gary? Susan? You're off to hunt down vegan options with Maria? Cool, see you tomorrow.'

But then I say I'm middle aged & grumpy, but I'm irresistibly reminded of a weekend in Amsterdam 30 odd years ago with a dozen or so very nice, very giggly, very stoned friends.

I learned then to just say: 'ok I am off to do [x]...off now if anyone wants to come?'

So I don't let people faff at me. I just wander off & leave them to it. I would be thinking: 'no, I'm going to dinner somewhere that I like - Maria is not my problem.'

It saves huge amounts of time. Occasionally, I'm sure I've come across as mildly antisocial.

I am, so that's fine.

5128gap · 13/05/2023 21:01

So somehow this quiet little vegan women managed to force three grown adults to sit dithering outside a resturant against their will? And not one felt they could assert themselves to explain that a) they didn't like the look of the diner b) it was a bit nippy to sit outside? Talk about plant power!
I'm vegan and I would have gone with the majority choice, and eaten chips and bread if required, as she could have done if you'd have told her what you wanted. I get that people get annoyed when people won't eat animal products, but its hardly this woman's fault you were such a bunch of limp lettuces about it and allowed it to ruin your dinner.

lookingforMolly · 13/05/2023 21:01

In Lebanon they eat lamb.. could you not have had lamb meatballs? To lessen the carbs.

bussteward · 13/05/2023 21:02

When it’s late and cold and someone’s being dithery, if you want to eat you need to speak up! Brisk tone, speak as you’re opening the door to the bistro and ushering the others in, “Never mind, Maria, this is what’s open and I’ve got my eye on the chocolate fondant, plus it’s Baltic out – join us for a salad? We’ll do your choice next time. Hello, table for four please.” Start unravelling your scarf and following the waiter to the table. Be the women eating steak frites you want to see in world.

Oblomov23 · 13/05/2023 21:02

More fool you for being so passive. "I'm sorry but I don't want to sit outside", would've been a good start.

My closest set of friends, 2 are vegan, 1 vegetarian, I'm a big meat eater. I eat vegan regularly, never been a problem. But if I want meat, I eat meat.

NewShoesForSpring · 13/05/2023 21:04

So here's the thing..I am a very capable person & I am well capable of taking charge. This was an unusual situation. We don't all know each other.

I was not the appointed leader. I didn't want to leave one person out etc.

Maria was very introverted over the couple of days. There were about 20 of us in the wider group & I could see people struggled to make conversation as she didn't respond with much. I think i felt sorry for her & was glad she'd asked if she could join us.

I feel she could have mentioned she was vegan before we were literally standing outside a place

it's actually bloody awkward trying to find a place to eat with people you really don't know as you don't know their taste / budget etc & in that case if sense someone hesitating I'll always try to not make it even more awkward (in case money is an issue etc)

I just felt put out by how that meal played out..

OP posts:
InBeautifulKindWays · 13/05/2023 21:04

OP maybe wanted a thread to slag off vegans. 😬

hermioneee · 13/05/2023 21:06

So you all wandered around trying to find a place for the vegan person to eat. She chose a place she liked. You all went along with it. And now it's her fault?

Next time speak up! She'll have found something.

hermioneee · 13/05/2023 21:07

And if she had told you she was vegan before she came along she would have been ripped apart from being one of those vegan that tells everyone that they're vegan. Can't win can she.

HarrietJet · 13/05/2023 21:08

To be fair, there seemed to be a lot of "dithering" going on...
Why not speak up and say "No, I'd be more comfortable sitting inside, actually"? Or "I like the look of this one, who's on"?
You all basically danced around this woman and then moaned that it didn't suit any of you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Okunevo · 13/05/2023 21:09

Surely there were lamb or chicken dishes you could have chosen? Lebanese food is delicious. I would have spoken up about sitting outside.

NewShoesForSpring · 13/05/2023 21:09

So you all, genuinely, in those circumstances would have left Maria On her own to eat or in a restaurant where she said she did not think she could get something as she'd spoken to the waiter

And I have nothing against Lebanese food but this was a not v nice, 1 step up from a fast food kebab type place. So I didn't fancy eating meat there.

It's been a long time since I found myself sort of railroaded like that & wondered what others would have done

OP posts: