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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I've just done something which would shock a lot of Mumsnetters?

245 replies

EmmaGrundyForPM · 13/05/2023 14:33

From my reading on here, I've concluded that answering the door when you're not expecting someone is a complete no-no for the majority of MumsNetters.

The doorbell went at lunchtime, I wasn't expecting anyone, but I answered it anyway!

It was a man who was lost, didn't know the area, trying to find a local church where a funeral was being held. I explained where it was, where to park etc. He then asked if I could recommend a pub or somewhere where he could get changed as he'd just driven 3 hours.

So I offered him our spare room to change in, made him a cup of tea and left him to get on with it. He was very appreciative and has now set off for the Church.

No biggie, we don't have anything valuable to nick, he seemed very nice although a bit flustered about being lost / getting to the Church.

So have I just broken all the MN rules or would most people have done the same?

OP posts:
Somanysocks · 13/05/2023 17:03

Well I think you sound very nice Op.

Dalekjastninerels · 13/05/2023 17:05

ShowUs · 13/05/2023 17:00

Yet the people that look and sound like you are the ones you need to be careful about.

If he’s driven 3 hours then I’m sure he would have planned to get changed and where.

He would also have a phone or sat nav and knew exactly where the next pub was without needing to knock on your door.

Naive people are easy to spot if you’re looking for them, it sounds like he definitely picked the right house.

Show quote history

Exactly!

If he didn't knowt he way why didn't he set up his Google Maps? Also if he knew he'd be driving three hours he could have put a pitstop at a pub/shopping centre and change in the loos there. Or if wanted verbal directions asked in a shop or petrol station?

Not knock on a stranger's door to ask; that is weird and very suspicious.

EvriAgain · 13/05/2023 17:07

EmmaGrundyForPM · 13/05/2023 16:43

The reason I posted was because once he'd gone, DH. and I discussed why it had seemed OK to offer him a room to change in, and what it said about our unconscious bias - because he appeared similar to us, middle aged, middle class etc.

Then the conversation moved on to whether other people would have done the same, and I told dh that loads of people on MN think you're mad for opening the door unless you've had prior notice.

Why didn’t you say your husband was there in your OP? Were you worried you would get less of a reaction?

JaneJeffer · 13/05/2023 17:07

Change your locks.
What for? She didn't give him a key so he can pop in to change every time he's going to a funeral nearby.

Dalekjastninerels · 13/05/2023 17:11

JaneJeffer · 13/05/2023 17:07

Change your locks.
What for? She didn't give him a key so he can pop in to change every time he's going to a funeral nearby.

Yes; "funeral" that he said he was going to.

More likely he will be back when OP and her husband are out.

To rob them blind.

Sh4rkAttack · 13/05/2023 17:23

Only read the first page but... gosh. Are you really all so fearful? Most people aren't mass murderers... why does 'trust your gut' only go one way?

ShowUs · 13/05/2023 17:24

Not knock on a stranger's door to ask; that is weird and very suspicious.

Exactly!

There was absolutely no reason to knock on the door!

HarrietJet · 13/05/2023 17:27

Sh4rkAttack · 13/05/2023 17:23

Only read the first page but... gosh. Are you really all so fearful? Most people aren't mass murderers... why does 'trust your gut' only go one way?

You don't have to be fearful to grasp the risks of inviting a complete stranger into your home (with the express intention of taking his clothes off!)
It's almost like having no sense of self preservation is a positive, liberating thing, to hear some of you go on...

DyslexicPoster · 13/05/2023 17:27

finallygotospeaktoSky · 13/05/2023 14:39

You put yourself in potential danger. I thought you were going to say you'd bought a loo brush, or used an entire chicken in one meal!😆

Heaven forbid! I need to sit down just thinking about it

lljkk · 13/05/2023 17:30

People can get changed in their cars.

I might have invited him in. I am pretty suspicious so if someone ticks my "harmless" boxes, then they probably are.

I'm more of a risk-taker than you, OP, I pick up hitchhikers! Not often, but once in a while. Some really interesting chats over the years with HHkrs.

Sevenbells · 13/05/2023 17:32

Off point slightly but I don't think the problem is answering the door for a lot of posters, myself included.
The problem is people dropping in without warning and expecting to be invited in.
I might have done what you did, but probably not, tbh. Not for any reasons of trust, more that he was asking for a pub to change and I would have taken him at face value and sent him to one.

Dalekjastninerels · 13/05/2023 17:32

ShowUs · 13/05/2023 17:24

Not knock on a stranger's door to ask; that is weird and very suspicious.

Exactly!

There was absolutely no reason to knock on the door!

No there wasn't.

No person unless they were up to no good would do this.

LeoDiCapricorn · 13/05/2023 17:35

SecretsIWouldNeverTell · 13/05/2023 15:33

In my area, there are NEVER funerals on Saturdays OR Sundays. Saturdays are reserved for weddings, and Sundays are reserved for Sunday services (obvs!) Holy Communion, Family Service, Messy Church, Celebration Praise, Evensong etc... Been here where I live now - 5 minutes walk from our Church, for about 12 years, NEVER known a funeral on a Saturday (OR Sunday.)

My dad's funeral and burial in the church grounds was a Saturday

Whiteroomjoy · 13/05/2023 17:36

I would not have done this to someone who randomly knocked on my door. He’s just seen inside of your house and door . Seems a bit lapse with security.

but I did not long ago give a women my mobile number and offer a lift. I was walking past the station and could see a fairly agitated lone women, with suitcase trying her phone, it was a straight road so could see her a way off. As I got to her I asked if she was ok, she said she’d ordered a taxi to university (about 15 mins dirve) but it hadn’t showed, her mobile was running flat. She asked me where nearest pub was so she could charge it and call for taxi. Miles away I told her. But I live just round the corner, so wait a bit more , don’t use your phone , if they don’t turn up in 10 mins call me and I’ll come and give you a lift. She was very relieved and grateful, genuinely I could see the low level panic subsiding.

she never called me, so assume taxi finally turned up.

so it’s nice to be helpful- but no I wouldn’t have given her my address, or invited her in, even though she was clearly a stressed and agitated women long before she would have realised I was looking at her. I was happy to offer to meet her at station and run her over to uni , although I guess she could have still taken advantage of me 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣🤣

mathanxiety · 13/05/2023 17:37

Skinnermarink · 13/05/2023 14:38

Also I’ve never heard of a Christian funeral on a Saturday before 🤷🏻‍♀️

They're held every day except Sunday.

Whiteroomjoy · 13/05/2023 17:38

LeoDiCapricorn · 13/05/2023 17:35

My dad's funeral and burial in the church grounds was a Saturday

Show quote history

May be true of catholics. But Cof E it’s not unheard of. Mind vicars do want more donations, as would like day off if not a wedding 🤣🤣😉
they will especially be more flexible if a member of their own congregation to help accommodate family that maybe don’t liv locally,

porridgeisbae · 13/05/2023 17:39

I wouldn't let them in because some criminals use all sorts of ruses to scout out a house before a burglary.

I wouldn'tve answered the door, anyway. Could be any old trouble.

Sererus · 13/05/2023 17:40

MN or not, I wouldn't invite a strange man into my home to change, no. I'd be furious if DP did as well. Do you really think him stealing is the biggest risk here?
I answer the door even if not expecting someone (we do have cameras too so can check who it is beforehand), but inviting a stranger with a dodgy back story into the house is dangerous.

MayThe4th · 13/05/2023 17:41

What a load of hysteria on this thread.

While I wouldn’t personally have invited him in, most people really aren’t murderers, and making comments such as that the OP is lucky to be alive are just batshit.

Also, not everyone has a SatNav and not all SatNav’s are accurate especially in rural areas.

How have we developed into a society where even asking a stranger for help is considered a red flag.

Sh4rkAttack · 13/05/2023 17:49

lljkk · 13/05/2023 17:30

People can get changed in their cars.

I might have invited him in. I am pretty suspicious so if someone ticks my "harmless" boxes, then they probably are.

I'm more of a risk-taker than you, OP, I pick up hitchhikers! Not often, but once in a while. Some really interesting chats over the years with HHkrs.

Me too. And I hitchhike... though not much these days - only if I miss my bus or get a flat tyre.
Most people are good and I have had lifts with some really interesting characters.

BugLight · 13/05/2023 18:13

I used to be as trusting, ex putting hidden cameras all over the place rather spoilt that for me

TheOriginalEmu · 13/05/2023 18:18

EmmaGrundyForPM · 13/05/2023 14:48

Thank you!

I did say to dh that it probably shows our unconscious bias that he was a middle aged, well spoken man who seemed really nice. If he'd been a 20 year old with a different accent I'd probably not have made the offer. Which isn't great to admit to, but true.

Show quote history

‘A different accent’ eh?

ok.

TheOriginalEmu · 13/05/2023 18:19

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 13/05/2023 14:48

We had a terrible traffic jam outside our house after a bad accident. I let everyone in the use the toilet coz they’d been stuck in their cars for ages! Mumsnetters would have fainted.

I have done similar to this after a snowstorm stranded loads of people along my road.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/05/2023 18:26

Showmethefood · 13/05/2023 14:35

Whether mumsnet agrees or not is not the point. The point is you placed yourself in a vulnerable position by inviting a stranger into your home to get changed. 🤷‍♀️

Exactly!
I would be afraid of the stranger "simply" stealing whatever valuables I had openly around (wallet, phone etc).

Or that I put myself in a physically unsafe position. Neither is good....

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 13/05/2023 18:27

TheOriginalEmu · 13/05/2023 18:19

I have done similar to this after a snowstorm stranded loads of people along my road.

Show quote history

I would definitely do it in the case of a horrible accident etc. Or if I thought people might freeze etc.

But this scenario is completely different.