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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for our own food - dinner party

438 replies

ColdBrewInSummer · 12/05/2023 18:19

we were invited to a friends house for dinner. Took a bottle of good wine with us, we wouldn’t ever go empty handed.

had a good meal, but they sent us a message after asking for money for each person! I thought this was crazy and I would never ask anyone to pay for their food if I invited them over!

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? We’ve already arranged to have them to ours in a few weeks time and I’m not asking them
for anything!

OP posts:
Bubblyb00b · 12/05/2023 20:07

Ah - just finished reading your replies. Oh well. No idea how you think this kind of request is normal, and no idea why you paid instead of telling them where to go.

tattychicken · 12/05/2023 20:07

That's really weird. If they were skint they could have cooked a veggie curry or something rather than nice steaks from the butcher with invoice attached.

willstarttomorrow · 12/05/2023 20:09

They are either struggling financially or are just those people who really have no concept of generosity. Though to be honest, even when struggling financially I cannot bring myself to ask friends for the few quid, evens £50s owed if I know they are not piss takers. If it is a later they would not be a good friend to me anymore. It is just the most unattractive trait.

MysteryBelle · 12/05/2023 20:10

I’m sorry, I don’t think you have a choice. You have to dump them and let the chips fall where they may. In fact you sound cowed by them as if they hold power over your mutual friends. I can’t believe you paid. That was so so rude and outrageous of them. I think you’re foolish to do their bidding. I would not have paid, or responded, and when they tried to text to check in for your hosted dinner, don’t respond to that either. You don’t invite people to dinner at your house and then send them the bill.

People like that must be stood up to. I don’t believe they are easy, very good, wonderful friends. I think you’re cowed and intimidated by them for some reason. Are they the “leaders” of a friendship group? Are they well connected etc? You can be sure they wrangle everything to suit them at others’ expense and the others learn to like it and even begin defending their actions.

Do not allow yourselves to be drawn in as minions of manipulators like that.

ThatFraggle · 12/05/2023 20:12

The next time you have tea and biscuits round theirs, it will be a fiver. £2 for the tea and biscuits. £1 for the electricity. £2 for wear and tear on the doorbell, carpets, and sofa.

There's an optional £4 surcharge if you want them to turn the heating up before you come over...

bussteward · 12/05/2023 20:12

When they come to yours, serve them yellow sticker supermarket own brand pot noodle and text them after: “the instant noodles and boiling the kettle came to 75p each. Lovely to see you”

CabbagePatchDole · 12/05/2023 20:13

Do you think they might be joking?

coconutpie · 12/05/2023 20:14

I cannot believe you actually paid OP, YABU to have paid. You should keep the invitation to yours now, serve beans on toast and charge them £20 per person.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/05/2023 20:15

💀

JeanieJo · 12/05/2023 20:16

If you otherwise like them, let your invitation stand and don't retaliate in any passive aggressive way. Just let it blow over and don't refer to it again - but if something similar were to materialise in the future be firm about not contributing.

mewkins · 12/05/2023 20:16

I can't believe people would do this. It's so weird. If you were feeling the pinch then you can easily feed people for less than £20 per head.

Pudmyboy · 12/05/2023 20:16

The only reason I can think of for paying is if this was agreed in advance. They don't sound like friends OP, it would be interesting to see if they invite others in your friendship group and do the same. Perhaps put something on Facebook giving them a restaurant style review?

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/05/2023 20:19

Have you been to theirs to dinner with them before

Tit for tat

So charge them when they come to yours

whynotwhatknot · 12/05/2023 20:20

How rude at least let you know beforehand

and 20 each?

OhmygodDont · 12/05/2023 20:20

Can get steak and veggies at the local pub for less than £20 tbh think it’s £16.99 you where robbed op 😂

Seriously though you need to ask someone who’s been to theirs for dinner before if they knew about these fees.

WomanUnknown · 12/05/2023 20:20

Hahaha, I wonder if they’re related to my dh’s family.

We hosted Christmas, for 10 people. Normal standards for this family are to bring their own alcohol, and generally a bottle of something to share, even if it’s just a big standard bottle of supermarket cava. Everyone drinks a fair amount.

So, we hosted Christmas, 3 course’s followed by an evening cheeseboard, and Prosecco with canapés earlier in the daytime. Wines, liquor coffees, fancy chocolates, all the extras. This particular couple said they’d bring a cheese (which never appeared!) and they kept their alcohol in the car! He kept disappearing out to the driveway everytime they needed another bottle of beer or wine! Wtf…. I actually despair!! What is wrong with some people?
I didn’t call them out on it- but they won’t be eating at my table again 😂

Backtonormalatlast · 12/05/2023 20:21

More fool you for paying!I would also tell all you mutual friends to not accept a dinner invitation .Cannot believe that two adults agreed ask for payment. All a bit odd TBH!

Cc1998 · 12/05/2023 20:21

ColdBrewInSummer · 12/05/2023 19:57

okay so - we’ve already paid. It was too awkward not too. I hate confrontation and I transferred the money over to keep the peace. we have a lot of mutual friends so I didn’t want to cause any upset or weirdness.

first time going to theirs just on our own. So was just the 4 of us.

(I’m also trying not to be too outing now someone said the last thread like this ended up in the press!)

the text message read along the lines of -

’thanks for coming last night, the steak + veggies came to £20 each’

the wine we took wasn’t cheap but wasn’t mega expensive. I made a point to get it as I knew my friends liked wine from that region!

I will add that obviously moving is expensive. They are also starting a business and struggling with that a little. I don’t know or wish to know the ins and outs of their financials but they seem to be reasonably ‘well off’. Perhaps they are just feeling the pinch a little now and needed to ask for the cash back?

as I said, they’ve been lovely friends up until now, super easy. I’m annoyed but I’m also feeling like I don’t want to be too harsh?

You have 'mug' on your forehead.

bleueygreeny · 12/05/2023 20:22

Surely this is a troll.
Please let it be a troll.

PinkyFlamingo · 12/05/2023 20:24

ColdBrewInSummer · 12/05/2023 19:57

okay so - we’ve already paid. It was too awkward not too. I hate confrontation and I transferred the money over to keep the peace. we have a lot of mutual friends so I didn’t want to cause any upset or weirdness.

first time going to theirs just on our own. So was just the 4 of us.

(I’m also trying not to be too outing now someone said the last thread like this ended up in the press!)

the text message read along the lines of -

’thanks for coming last night, the steak + veggies came to £20 each’

the wine we took wasn’t cheap but wasn’t mega expensive. I made a point to get it as I knew my friends liked wine from that region!

I will add that obviously moving is expensive. They are also starting a business and struggling with that a little. I don’t know or wish to know the ins and outs of their financials but they seem to be reasonably ‘well off’. Perhaps they are just feeling the pinch a little now and needed to ask for the cash back?

as I said, they’ve been lovely friends up until now, super easy. I’m annoyed but I’m also feeling like I don’t want to be too harsh?

Well you're a complete mug .

Ilkleymoor · 12/05/2023 20:24

They should have just done something cheap and cheerful - the point is to see friends surely? Or if feeling the pinch, they could have said, we will do main and a bottle, can you bring dessert.

Basically this is terrible behaviour.

dutysuite · 12/05/2023 20:26

It’s not just the press these posts end up, they can also end up on mumsnet’s facebook page!

MultipleVeganPies · 12/05/2023 20:27

How embarrassing for them

Daisypain · 12/05/2023 20:27

Are you sure it wasn’t a joke?

roseopose · 12/05/2023 20:30

I had this once..got charged £8 each for a chicken roast dinner Blush pretty sure a healthy profit was made. This was before the cost of having the oven on went through the roof top. I'm not a fan - either you host and you pay and cook or you make it very clear beforehand it's a bring and share type thing.