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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for our own food - dinner party

438 replies

ColdBrewInSummer · 12/05/2023 18:19

we were invited to a friends house for dinner. Took a bottle of good wine with us, we wouldn’t ever go empty handed.

had a good meal, but they sent us a message after asking for money for each person! I thought this was crazy and I would never ask anyone to pay for their food if I invited them over!

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? We’ve already arranged to have them to ours in a few weeks time and I’m not asking them
for anything!

OP posts:
Delatron · 15/05/2023 16:19

mainsfed · 15/05/2023 16:07

Delatron cross post!

Ha great minds!

manticlimactic0 · 15/05/2023 17:47

ColdBrewInSummer · 12/05/2023 20:31

I’m 100% sure it’s wasn’t a joke. Got a ‘thanks’ text after I transferred the money.

I know, I know. I’m a mug!

I can't believe you paid!! And not even knocl the proce of the wine iff!! However, you have.

Sooooo make sure you return the favour when they next come to yours. Make it 25 quid each

manticlimactic0 · 15/05/2023 17:49

manticlimactic0 · 15/05/2023 17:47

I can't believe you paid!! And not even knocl the proce of the wine iff!! However, you have.

Sooooo make sure you return the favour when they next come to yours. Make it 25 quid each

Show quote history

I have NOT been drinking, honestly 😂

CallieG · 15/05/2023 18:23

Tell them to kick rocks. Tell them that if you wanted to pay for food, you would go to a restaurant. Say NO. Then block these tacky mercenaries.
There was Never any agreement made to pay for a meal.
Things like that need to be agreed on Before hand not after the event.

MsDee1995 · 15/05/2023 18:35

Well to me, when I am invited to someone's home for a birthday party, I think Cake, ice cream, hot dogs, chips etc.. followed by presenting and opening gifts, and then you go home. If you are invited to a club for instance, where you are told in advance that there will be additional costs besides a gift, (cover charge, drinks, valet, coat check, AND food) you may be spending around $200 PLUS buying a gift. With advance notice, you can decide to go, or not to go, depending on your circumstances. When you go to someone's home for dinner, you shouldn't have to expect a BILL for doing attending. As far as I am concerned, when we host, we HOST. That means that my husband and I are paying for everything. We don't ask anything of our guests, but for them to come and join us. I wouldn't dream of ever charging guests to come to ANYTHING we are having, even if it were at a club or restaurant. It's OUR party, and WE absorb all costs associated with it.

As far as the birthday parties at clubs and such, we didn't "pay" to "attend" other people's "birthday" parties growing up, and to me, it is just classless to have an event, and expect the guests to pay for the privilege of being there. Of course with advance notice, those who don't MIND, are free to do so, and evidently have no problem with, so more power to them. We just don't attend parties like that. If we are just joining a group of friends who just happen to be going to a bar, then of course we pay for our own consumption, because there is no "featured" guest. I hope that is a little clearer.

ohdearmynamechangedagain · 15/05/2023 18:38

Who are the 1% that voted YABU??? Probably the host 😂

SezFrankly · 15/05/2023 19:24

Outrageous!

I hope they ask if you want a contribution so that you’re able to say the words “oh no, it’s not like we shared a takeaway is it? I invited you for dinner, it would be jolly rude of me to expect you to pay”

ImAvingOops · 15/05/2023 20:18

I don't think a friendship can survive cheeky fuckery. If you don't want to fall out due to having mutual friends, your best bet is to make an excuse and cancel them coming over. You wouldn't be so crass as to bill them but you will resent every penny you spend on them now - this friendship is over!

Casperroonie · 15/05/2023 20:27

"LOL!! That's a good one, bring a tenner for yours, wink wink!!"

Manthide · 15/05/2023 20:28

Almost 20 years ago dd1 was invited to a friend's birthday party and they were going somewhere special. All great - and then dd1 said we had to pat £5 for the entry fee. I thought that was odd especially as they all went to private schools but paid up. Then the girl decided she didn't want to go there ( they hadn't bought tickets) and they had a sleepover at her house. Never saw the £5 again! Dd1 is still really friendly with her but I'm an elephant. I know it was her parents not her and I definitely wasn't as friendly with them afterwards.

Casperroonie · 15/05/2023 20:36

More fool you 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Manthide · 15/05/2023 20:43

We are on benefits and obviously not rolling in it. We hosted our 2dds and their dhs at Christmas having planned and budgeted in advance. Both our dds have very good paying jobs £60k plus as do their dhs. One has just bought a house for almost £2 million. We didn't even think of charging them before or afterwards.

suzysnowball · 15/05/2023 20:51

Are you sure they aren't joking?

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/05/2023 20:55

Well
Obviously you will charge them £20 each when they come for dinner

Biggestdoormatever · 15/05/2023 23:50

I'm impressed that two people that ill mannered and tight managed to find each other.

I remember moving in with my ex and deciding to have my friends around for a dinner party. I love hosting in general.

I planned the menu then he came with me to buy ingredients. I should mention that many of his friends had hosted us previously, even (to my great confusion & embarrassment) sometimes picked up the bill in restaurants.

He was getting more and more agitated in the supermarket as I loaded the trolley. We didn't have shared finances by the way and I was buying. I was the higher earner and we didn't have money problems.

As I approached the till he suddenly said in massive exasperation that this was a waste of money and I needed to charge everyone 10 pounds when they arrived.

Disgusting cheapskate. I was repulsed.

MsDee1995 · 16/05/2023 04:08

I LOVE that one, lolol!!!😅

YerArseInParsley · 16/05/2023 08:07

Omg I can't believe that happened.

I see you paid up. It's now been made a thing were yous pay for your food when you go to each others houses.

Don't cancel the invite, let them come, do a lovely meal as you don't want to do something that you will be embarrassed by then say do you want to pay your contribution for the food now or would yous prefer to do bank transfer, ask as they are going out the door so you don't need to sit in awkward silence with their shock.

Remember to send them a text asking if xyz is OK for them so they can't say they didn't like the food choice, give them no reason to refuse payment.

Don't invite them again and don't go to theirs, if you must then just say you will bring your own takeaway that way you get to choose your food or suggest yous go to a restaurant.

Tbh I wouldn't want to host them if it was me but I would get the satisfaction of doing to them what they done to you.

Ask friends discreetly if that has also happened to them, not in a group chat as that makes it look like a vendetta.

JaneBeyre · 16/05/2023 08:20

Personally i would not be able to cook for them after that. Or spend an evening with them. It's such a loser thing to do, especially the steaks - i mean, so many other things they could have cooked but they chose the most expensive option. And no warning that you would be paying for it. Uggh.

Can you cancel due to illness or some other piss poor excuse and then do a slow fade on them?

I don't think there's any point confronting them. They are not worth the effort.

Baba197 · 16/05/2023 09:05

Wow how rude!!! You can’t ask people after the event to pay, if they wanted to split the food cost then they should’ve brought it up before the night and suggested you all get together and split a takeaway or all bring a dish!! Were there other people there? If so what do they think about it? I’d be tempted like others have said to message and say oh I’m sorry I didn’t realise we were all paying for our own food as you hadn’t mentioned that and maybe pay but deduct the wine and cancel the evening you had planned to have them over, but it would stick in my throat paying them. I’m not sure I’d want to continue the friendship either, if you choose to then maybe only eat out in the future and get separate bills

horseyhorsey17 · 16/05/2023 10:25

What did they actually say when they texted and asked for cash? Did they just breezily say 'lovely to see you last night Sue, that'll be £22 each' or was it more like 'that was a bit expensive so hope you don't mind but we could do with a £22 contribution'?

Either way is incredibly bad mannered and bizarre, but I am curious.

Raizin · 16/05/2023 13:28

The cost of living is sending some people crazy. Don't have people over, if you can't afford to feed 'em!

DunkingMyDonuts · 16/05/2023 13:34

When you wish a thread was picked up by the DM....

fancydressjess · 16/05/2023 14:52

How very strange, I've never heard of that...certainly it's considered rude and unheard of to charge people after for their food. So bad it's funny....
But, this is out of the blue, and you're good friends so how to move forward...
I don't think all the advice about passive aggressive responses is helpful. It just creates more drama.... And telling your friend it's "wrong" doesn't really get you anywhere... So just discuss it first without putting them in the bin (unless you already wanted to then by all means go ahead, you don't need a reason, lol)
Just be honest.
Say, heyy, I need to talk, I went ahead and paid because I didn't want to make a fuss... I was actually very taken aback and felt uncomfortable about what happened, it doesn't feel right to me...
Because it wasn't discussed before... And I've never heard of billing a friend for dinner..
I'd like to know your thoughts on it...
So, is it your preference going forward that we invoice each other after meals? I'd really prefer we just took it in turns as it feels odd to me to bill friends... And it wouldn't feel fair to me if you bill us but we don't bill you...
(or whatever needs to be said.... But just say it, don't make it even weirder than it is...)

Imisssleep2 · 16/05/2023 15:01

Dont host a dinner party of you cant afford it, bit different if its an everyone bring a dish and know beforehand like a bbq.

If i was you, i think something would ve coming up to cancel the dinner party at yours and then avoid dinners with then full stop, or go out for dinner when everyone is expected to pay anyway.

TheMummy1417 · 16/05/2023 16:59

If it was agreed in advance, fine. If not, I would absolutely not pay! I would reply stating that you had planned on returning the favour on x date. You brought a bottle of wine costing x as a gift for hosting the night. I would then deduct the wine cost from what they’re asking, send the money, cancel your invite & be done with the pettiness! When you host, unless it’s an agreement beforehand, you appreciate there are costs involved! We hosted so many times and spent a fortune when our friends couldn’t afford it or didn’t have the space at home. Now, they host more, as their situation has changed. We might take a dish or a dessert either way but would never expect to be paid!