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AIBU?

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Original poster

Paying for our own food - dinner party

438 replies

ColdBrewInSummer · 12/05/2023 18:19

we were invited to a friends house for dinner. Took a bottle of good wine with us, we wouldn’t ever go empty handed.

had a good meal, but they sent us a message after asking for money for each person! I thought this was crazy and I would never ask anyone to pay for their food if I invited them over!

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? We’ve already arranged to have them to ours in a few weeks time and I’m not asking them
for anything!

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 12/05/2023 18:52

They’re not ‘great friends’.

CordyLines · 12/05/2023 18:52

How did they word their demand for money? I'm curious as hell as to how they had the balls ask AFTER the event, and I need to know what they said!

Obviously you don't pay anything and the suggestion by @Whatevs99 is the best way to do it.

PollyAmour · 12/05/2023 18:54

I got invited to a 50th birthday party recently but it said on the invitation it was £17.50 per head. I declined, as did most of my friends who were invited. It wasn't in a restaurant, the party was at their own home, and the brash request for cash was quite astonishing.

To ask for money after the event is even more ridiculous.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/05/2023 18:54

Whatevs99 · 12/05/2023 18:34

I think I’d reply with “please tell me you’re having a laugh. Tell you what, I won’t send you the bill after dinner at ours and then we’ll be quits”

Defo this. Totally bizarre behaviour. Please tell us how it turns out op!

283nouveauxnoms · 12/05/2023 18:55

They are completely cheeky but tbh I do think just taking one bottle of wine is pretty tight.

Lostmum2407 · 12/05/2023 18:56

Wtf? I wouldn’t have the audacity! It’s just weird! My parents just received an invitation to a wedding where they are asked to pay to attend! If you can’t afford a wedding with a sit down meal then plan a cheaper wedding! I have no idea how some people function.

CosimoPiovasco · 12/05/2023 18:56

This is beyond crazy
Just tell them you’ll be feeding them and regard that as sufficient payback.

MrsDoylesDoily · 12/05/2023 18:57

There was an almost identical thread about this a few months ago, and it made it into the tabloids and onto The Jeremy Vine show!

lunaloveroo · 12/05/2023 18:58

So rude. The only time I could see this would be acceptable would be if as a group you discussed having a coronation party (for example) and someone offered to host the group but asked (in advance) for contributions. The fact it wasn't discussed before makes it even worse.

ThatFraggle · 12/05/2023 18:59

PollyAmour · 12/05/2023 18:54

I got invited to a 50th birthday party recently but it said on the invitation it was £17.50 per head. I declined, as did most of my friends who were invited. It wasn't in a restaurant, the party was at their own home, and the brash request for cash was quite astonishing.

To ask for money after the event is even more ridiculous.

If you can't afford to host but want a party, ask friends if they would like to do a bring-and-share meal + bring a bottle. If they say yes, you can ask for a salad/desserts/sides and supply the main. As a couple you can get a £7 Aldi wine and £7 on a nice salad.

That way you can still socialise without violating the age-old, unwritten rules of hospitality.

Daleksatemyshed · 12/05/2023 19:00

That's just rude Op, if you want money or a contribution to the food then you ask in advance. Letting people have dinner and then asking for money is not on. If you pay you'll be annoyed and if you don't you'll feel uncomfortable. These people are very weird friends

butterpuffed · 12/05/2023 19:01

Give them beans on toast when they come to yours but charge them the same as they charged you and say it's due to the cost of living .

SleepingStandingUp · 12/05/2023 19:04

I'd be inclined to go PA

Gosh in sorry Polly, of course, if we'd raised things were tight for you financially we could have dien a pot luck and all brought a bowl over. Don't worry about bringing a bottle when you come to dinner next week. I'll send it over later tonight.

Threeboysadogandacat · 12/05/2023 19:04

I would send a cheque after deducting the cost of the bottle of wine. Even better if you can enclosed the receipt. Then cancel their invitation to yours. You could always apologise that you have overspent on your entertainment budget this month so can’t reciprocate.

Moveoverdarlin · 12/05/2023 19:04

The audacity of some people. I would pay what they’re asking you, then when you host them, I would go to town and make it really lovely. If they offer anything, which I’m assuming they would after asking you for a contribution, I would absolutely refuse to take any money and say ‘I wouldn’t hear of it, you are our guests’.

RoamingToaster · 12/05/2023 19:12

That's so strange. You can't ask for payment after an event when it was never agreed there would be payment in the first place.

Whichwhatnow · 12/05/2023 19:12

No that's incredibly rude. I can imagine doing this as a student/young person, and in our family we always contribute a set amount per person to whoever hosts for Christmas due to the sheer cost of good quality meats/trimmings/snacks/starters/puddings etc for 10+ people. Other than that I would always bring a bottle and would ask if I could bring, say, a pudding or something (which is almost always refused) but cannot imagine asking for or being asked for money for a dinner party. How embarrassing!

willstarttomorrow · 12/05/2023 19:12

@RedRosette2023 Bloody fuddles have been a real source of angst at work for well over a decade! We are very divided into the 'let's go out for lunch' and fuddle camps 😁 we are public sector so never a sniff of paid for jollies or people actually taking their (unpaid) lunch hours usually. Your post really made me smile.

AllegraWalterJones · 12/05/2023 19:14

YANBU. I'd cancel the next meal if I were you but only because I'm not sure I'd keep my annoyance in check!

harriethoyle · 12/05/2023 19:14

I daren't Google it... what's a fuddle?!

Whatabouteverything · 12/05/2023 19:15

Screenshot or it didn't happen

AllegraWalterJones · 12/05/2023 19:15

Dwightlovesmichael · 12/05/2023 18:21

That’s incredibly rude.

If they couldn’t afford to host then they should have asked everyone over and to bring a plate of food.

Or say come over and we will get a takeaway but would everyone mind paying for their own share.

But to ask for money afterward is just crazy.

This, exactly!
We have friends over for 'casual' takeaways but we also host dinners, these are separate occasions and clearly stated.
If we're having a BBQ people bring their own stuff,

MinnieGirl · 12/05/2023 19:16

This is so very rude….
You don’t invite someone to dinner and then send a request for payment afterwards… i would message them and just say what’s this then? And see how they respond. I would not pay up and I would be quite frank and say I thought they were both cheeky and very rude. I would also come down with something on the day of your planned dinner party…. And not bother to rebook in a hurry.

RedRosette2023 · 12/05/2023 19:17

willstarttomorrow · 12/05/2023 19:12

@RedRosette2023 Bloody fuddles have been a real source of angst at work for well over a decade! We are very divided into the 'let's go out for lunch' and fuddle camps 😁 we are public sector so never a sniff of paid for jollies or people actually taking their (unpaid) lunch hours usually. Your post really made me smile.

Oh yeah - don’t get into it at work. I’m public sector too, we don’t even have mugs post covid!

Colinorpercy · 12/05/2023 19:18

Absolutely bizarre, if we get a takeaway with friends we all split it-that’s just the way it’s always been. And no one goes to anyone’s house empty handed. But if we decided one night to host a dinner (which we have done on occasion) we would never ask for anyone for anything. Although sometimes someone will offer to bring dessert or whatever. But to spring it on you afterwards is really odd!