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AIBU?

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Original poster

Paying for our own food - dinner party

438 replies

ColdBrewInSummer · 12/05/2023 18:19

we were invited to a friends house for dinner. Took a bottle of good wine with us, we wouldn’t ever go empty handed.

had a good meal, but they sent us a message after asking for money for each person! I thought this was crazy and I would never ask anyone to pay for their food if I invited them over!

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? We’ve already arranged to have them to ours in a few weeks time and I’m not asking them
for anything!

OP posts:
OutOfMyPocket · 13/05/2023 20:08

Oh come on, this isn't real ffs. So sick of these threads.

CheeseTouch · 13/05/2023 20:11

OutOfMyPocket · 13/05/2023 20:08

Oh come on, this isn't real ffs. So sick of these threads.

You’re right. Any normal adult would just query it straight away!

Redragtoabull · 13/05/2023 20:13

Ask for them to pay for your time, outfit and ubers!

Redragtoabull · 13/05/2023 20:14

Oh and patience to put up with their shit. Who does that

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 13/05/2023 20:17

OutOfMyPocket · 13/05/2023 20:08

Oh come on, this isn't real ffs. So sick of these threads.

Sadly I think this could be real. I also think it could be a younger generation thing.

I’ve remembered, that In one company I worked for recently, I went into the office, like you do, occasionally and some colleagues were chatting and discussing this in the lounge/cafe area. Eg should someone do or don’t do it and was it cheeky or not. General consensus was it wasn’t the done thing but a couple of people thought it was fine, especially if you told people in advance. The couple of peoples reasons for this was “everything’s gone up hasn’t it, cost of living crisis?’. They didn’t seem to get it that it was rude to invite people round and ask for payment. They were also a certain class to me, eg uni graduates, middle class sounding.

I’m not their age and was only casually eavesdropping on the conversation so didn’t feel able to comment.

anunlikelyseahorse · 13/05/2023 20:31

alpinia · 12/05/2023 19:19

They aren't Dutch are they?! Everyone I know who has lived there has a similar story of an unexpected after dinner party 😂

Arr, is this why we have the expression "going Dutch"?

CaptainMyCaptain · 13/05/2023 20:31

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 13/05/2023 20:17

Sadly I think this could be real. I also think it could be a younger generation thing.

I’ve remembered, that In one company I worked for recently, I went into the office, like you do, occasionally and some colleagues were chatting and discussing this in the lounge/cafe area. Eg should someone do or don’t do it and was it cheeky or not. General consensus was it wasn’t the done thing but a couple of people thought it was fine, especially if you told people in advance. The couple of peoples reasons for this was “everything’s gone up hasn’t it, cost of living crisis?’. They didn’t seem to get it that it was rude to invite people round and ask for payment. They were also a certain class to me, eg uni graduates, middle class sounding.

I’m not their age and was only casually eavesdropping on the conversation so didn’t feel able to comment.

Show quote history

But asking and organising this beforehand is completely different from asking afterwards without any discussion.

Nestpasenville · 13/05/2023 20:45

actually very weird.

Yes it’s the weirdness that’s just so.. off putting

azlazee1 · 13/05/2023 20:50

I would not send any money. I might send a text thanking them for the lovely evening and hope they enjoyed the wine you brought. I wouldn't mention the money - I think they will get the message.

YouCantHandleTheRuth · 13/05/2023 20:54

There’s an acronym for people like this … ABCDEF
Awful Bunch of Cheeky Desperately Entitled Fuckers.

MsDee1995 · 13/05/2023 21:08

TheChosenTwo · 12/05/2023 18:21

I just don’t believe people actually do this 😱

Ohhhhh believe me, they DO nowadays...it's absolutely insane, not to mention rude! We have been invited to what was promoted as a "birthday party", then when we got to the address, it was a club of some kind, with a cover charge, coat check, AND you had to pay for your own dinner, which would have been fine had we known ahead of time, that this was the "setup". ...and what's WORSE is, that the birthday person STILL expects a GIFT!! To me, that is not "hosting" a birthday party!! My hubby and I rarely accept invitations anymore because of this. (Not that we can't afford to, but because it is TACKY, and sometimes you don't know until you GET there, and other times, the money grab "instructions" are actually ON the INVITATION!---even a WEDDING!!!) If you were to say "Hey, we're all going down to 'ABC Bar & Grill' to celebrate my birthday, do you guys want to meet us there?" Then you would EXPECT to have to pay for your portion, but not when you "invited" to a birthday party.

MsDee1995 · 13/05/2023 21:13

CaptainMyCaptain · 13/05/2023 20:31

But asking and organising this beforehand is completely different from asking afterwards without any discussion.

Show quote history

Asking for money from ANYONE that you INVITE to your home is tacky, PERIOD! ...even in "advance". Guests should always bring something for their hosts of course, but to ASK people to pay for a dinner that YOU wanted to have?? INEXCUSABLE!! Like someone in the thread said, it must be a young person thing, because us older folks - 60+, would NEVER be that classless.

Gemcat1 · 13/05/2023 21:24

I have never heard of this, how insulting. If they couldn't afford to feed you then they should have said. I'd suggest that you tell them that the cost of the meal would be offset by the meal that you are offering. If they insist then tell them that you will charge them the cost of the wine before paying them and don't have them for dinner.

CaptainMyCaptain · 13/05/2023 21:48

MsDee1995 · 13/05/2023 21:13

Asking for money from ANYONE that you INVITE to your home is tacky, PERIOD! ...even in "advance". Guests should always bring something for their hosts of course, but to ASK people to pay for a dinner that YOU wanted to have?? INEXCUSABLE!! Like someone in the thread said, it must be a young person thing, because us older folks - 60+, would NEVER be that classless.

Show quote history

I'm in my late 60s too. I have been to meals where people, in advance, have decided to club together - maybe a Christmas dinner with a lot of guests attending and the hosts organising it all. I don't find that tacky it's just another way of doing it. Alternatively everyone could bring a dish.

Demanding payment afterwards is on another level.

Ukrainebaby23 · 13/05/2023 22:07

If u decide to have the Cf over to yours, think I'd steer the convo along the lines of, we were surprised to get the message asking us to contribute after the meal, is that a standard thing these days, perhaps adding we've been out of circulation for a while etc etc.

I understand why you felt the need to pay, but I'd think very hard about continuing the friendship depending on their reply.

rainbowlou · 13/05/2023 23:14

BellaJuno · 12/05/2023 18:30

Exactly what I’d do!

Show quote history

Me too, and then serve up chicken nuggets and chips 😀

DunkingMyDonuts · 13/05/2023 23:16

Undecided about what we’ll do when they come over/if we’ll have them over/if we’ll continue our friendship

What "friendship"?

Please start now with standing up for yourself and putting boundaries in place, by binning them. They are NOT friends.

Maggiethecat · 13/05/2023 23:26

If you can’t afford to feed your guests but still want to share their company then invite them for drinks/nibbles.

How can anyone have the cheek?! And without prior agreement of contribution?!

CabernetSauvignon · 13/05/2023 23:42

When they come to yours, bill them £30 so as to recoup the cost of your win.

mrbreezeet1 · 14/05/2023 02:12

That's crazy
Outrageous behaviour and incredibly rude!

MsDee1995 · 14/05/2023 04:22

CaptainMyCaptain · 13/05/2023 21:48

I'm in my late 60s too. I have been to meals where people, in advance, have decided to club together - maybe a Christmas dinner with a lot of guests attending and the hosts organising it all. I don't find that tacky it's just another way of doing it. Alternatively everyone could bring a dish.

Demanding payment afterwards is on another level.

Show quote history

I absolutely agree! I think it was in another post where I said almost the same thing. If people are all just getting together for an evening, of COURSE everyone should take care of their own consumption...but to be invited to someone's home FOR dinner, and then AFTERWARDS they send you a BILL, because you CAME?? NOOO wayyyyy!!!

Newestname002 · 14/05/2023 04:46

@ColdBrewInSummer

Yes, shame you've already paid without saying something, however politely, and also not mentioning your thoughtfully purchased wine.

Undecided about what we’ll do when they come over/if we’ll have them over/if we’ll continue our friendship.

I'd now "postpone" the dinner permanently as their behaviour would have left a sour taste. 🌹

Maggiethecat · 14/05/2023 08:27

ColdBrewInSummer · 12/05/2023 18:32

We were very much invited! They’d just moved so wanted to host at their new apartment.

Asked for just over £20 each. I’m assuming that was all the food they cooked divided by all of us.

we really enjoy their company, they’re great friends. It’s just this I can’t get over…

”we really enjoy their company, they’re great friends”…

Do you think this is mutual? Perhaps there’s an imbalance and they think you should be grateful that they’re your friends?

Think this is the reason they can take the piss and they don’t care if you’re offended.

rubia · 14/05/2023 08:49

That’s just odd. Really weird!

Peppermintpatty24 · 14/05/2023 09:24

What would I do? I would make up a menu for your meal, with the prices alongside each course, ALL of which they would be served as part of your meal, and then have a pre-prepared "itemized" bill ready for them at the end of the night. That of course would include all drinks bar water 😂