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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for our own food - dinner party

438 replies

ColdBrewInSummer · 12/05/2023 18:19

we were invited to a friends house for dinner. Took a bottle of good wine with us, we wouldn’t ever go empty handed.

had a good meal, but they sent us a message after asking for money for each person! I thought this was crazy and I would never ask anyone to pay for their food if I invited them over!

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? We’ve already arranged to have them to ours in a few weeks time and I’m not asking them
for anything!

OP posts:
Mercyovermerit · 13/05/2023 18:26

I would pay but never honour an invitation from them ever again.

niffynickers · 13/05/2023 18:29

Contra your bill for the wine and your goodwill

bitteroulbag · 13/05/2023 18:29

Are they Dutch?

DrElectrickery · 13/05/2023 18:29

I'd pay, and regard it a cheap ticket out of a potentially shitty 'friendship' with a couple of people who don't have the manners or wherewithal to discuss shared costs up front.

Peppermintpatty24 · 13/05/2023 18:34

Who is that 1%er??? 🫣🤭

CheeseTouch · 13/05/2023 18:36

Hmm, going to go against the grain here. Pick up the phone and speak to them!

‘Hey friend, we loved the meal and your company but we were taken aback by a request to contribute cash. It would not have occurred to us to charge you when you eat with us. What’s the situation?’

Isinglass20 · 13/05/2023 18:38

So these ‘friends’ think they’ll get away with it, otherwise they wouldn’t try it on. Says something about their opinion of OP.
On those grounds I would ignore and look for new friends
PS what’s Jacob and fuddles?

CanofCant · 13/05/2023 18:42

I think you should cancel having them over.

Mandyjack · 13/05/2023 18:52

If that was their intention they should've warned guests up front do very cheeky! Pay the bill minus the cost of the wine you took

Mandyjack · 13/05/2023 18:55

ColdBrewInSummer · 12/05/2023 20:33

The only thing I can think of that may have given them an indication that we were contributing was that we got a text from them asking if their proposed menu (steak and veggies) was ok for us and to check if we liked it. We said that sounded great, no allergies etc, thanked them and said we looked forward to seeing them.

at that point, were we meant to contribute? Were they asking for money and we were just being stupid?

At that point you could've enquired if they needed anything towards the cost of food. £20 each for steak and veggies seems expensive. You can go to a Harvester etc and get a steak dinner for just under that

Mikki77 · 13/05/2023 19:01

Ask for receipts/proofs of purchase
Send you bill for the wine you took over
Send an estimated bill for your upcoming dinner!

oosha · 13/05/2023 19:05

Never heard anything like it, how rude! Have they given any justification?

Bonjovispjs · 13/05/2023 19:08

Peppermintpatty24 · 13/05/2023 18:34

Who is that 1%er??? 🫣🤭

Probably the cheeky fuckers who charged OP 😜

Peppermintpatty24 · 13/05/2023 19:09

😭😭

Kugela · 13/05/2023 19:15

I would also have paid but then immediately cancelled the invitation to my place. I’d be avoiding these ‘friends’ as much as possible in future.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 13/05/2023 19:22

Asking for money towards a dinner party that you were in invited to us just appalling etiquette. Especially to ask for it after the event.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/05/2023 19:23

ColdBrewInSummer · 13/05/2023 14:59

I have bad anxiety that I have just started treatment for. Part of my plan is to become better at standing up for myself. I’ve always been terrible at it and probably let way too many people walk over me. This is a prime example!

Anyway! Thanks for all your replies. Glad to know that my annoyance at the situation is justified.

Undecided about what we’ll do when they come over/if we’ll have them over/if we’ll continue our friendship.

I'm sorry that you have bad anxiety.
This would have been a great opportunity for you to stand up for yourself and your partner here.
That said, you can recover and turn the tables on your so called friends. If you were going to be charged for your meal, you could have declined their invitation or made alternative plans. If you don't charge them for their meal when they come to yours, they will essentially get a free meal from you. That's not something that a good friend would do.

As you have extended an invite to them, you can still recover here. You can tell them that you've decided that you're going to eat out instead of catering for the meal yourself. By doing that you'll actually push them to respond as to whether they will still come or they will decline the invite. You could also decide that on the night, you don't want to cook and that everyone contributes to a takeaway.

You can be assertive without being mean or rude. It is a pity that you already paid them as it really isn't the done thing to even suggest after the event that guests are expected to pay for the food that they've consumed. The absolute minimum would be to say to someone "Look, the steaks were more expensive than we were expecting so would you mind paying £10 towards them".

Lastly, it is possible to get steak, actually 2 rump steaks in Lidl for under £7! A ribeye steak for under £4.
Grass Fed Beef - www.lidl.co.uk
Don't understand why they charged you £20 each though. If nothing else, I think I'd have to query how they came up with that cost, even after you've paid it.

Grass Fed Beef

https://www.lidl.co.uk/grassfedbeef

bakebeans · 13/05/2023 19:28

I would send them a message to say thank you for a lovely evening but had you been told in advance that you were expected to contribute, you would have taken this into consideration before accepting their offer.

cheeky fuckers!

sewerrat · 13/05/2023 19:28

id tell them stick their £20 up their arse along with the invite to the next dinner party

LookItsMeAgain · 13/05/2023 19:32

Oh, MN Admins - please don't remove this thread. I know the OP has mentioned earlier that she has asked for it to be deleted but I think it's a useful thread to show how not to do something and I'm not alone in that.

OP - I think it would be useful for others to see how not to invite friends over and then after they have already contributed a bottle of wine to the proceedings, they subsequently get a bill for £40 for the pleasure of sharing a meal with these people. Use it as a learning experience if nothing else.

AllyArty · 13/05/2023 19:39

That’s awful behaviour. Unless they have fallen on hard times but even still they should let it be known when issuing the invite that they would like a contribution towards the food.

Friendofdennis · 13/05/2023 19:47

If you still decide to invite them over just don’t ask for any money. Then if they offer just tell them that you have never done this and wouldn’t normally expect to be asked to contribute financially when you are an invited guest

helpplease01 · 13/05/2023 19:50

Tell her you will of set the bill when they come to yours!

Doris86 · 13/05/2023 20:05

YABU for actually paying them. Why on God’s earth did you do that?!

I’d be cooking lobster and caviar when then come to yours, then give them a bill for £50 per person.

Doris86 · 13/05/2023 20:07

Peppermintpatty24 · 13/05/2023 18:34

Who is that 1%er??? 🫣🤭

Probably someone who has spotted the OPs update that she has actually paid them now, which is completely unreasonable.