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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for our own food - dinner party

438 replies

ColdBrewInSummer · 12/05/2023 18:19

we were invited to a friends house for dinner. Took a bottle of good wine with us, we wouldn’t ever go empty handed.

had a good meal, but they sent us a message after asking for money for each person! I thought this was crazy and I would never ask anyone to pay for their food if I invited them over!

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? We’ve already arranged to have them to ours in a few weeks time and I’m not asking them
for anything!

OP posts:
Kennykenkencat · 13/05/2023 11:10

I think the friendship could have been saved if op hadn’t paid. But now they have the friendship has changed and is definitely over.
Having thought about it I wouldn’t actually mention it to any of the other mutual friends as it will get back to the couple that their behaviour was inappropriate and then op becomes the only one who paid for dinner and if they are part of a larger group of friends and op is the only one who doesn’t have a friendship with this couple it will just be awkward and I can see op and her Dh being dropped from the group get togethers as it would be awkward to invite both parties.

Either way the friendship group will change because op was asked for money for dinner and then they paid.

Sometimes in these situations you have to look beyond the present awkwardness and think long term how doing something in the moment to get you out of an awkward situation can have huge consequences down the line.

BMW6 · 13/05/2023 11:49

I'm stumped to say who is odder - the "hosts" who obviously made a nice amount of £££ or the OP for meekly coughing up!

Both are unbelievable

Nestpasenville · 13/05/2023 12:21

Never thought ghosting was justified. Until now.

bobbysock · 13/05/2023 12:42

I honestly don’t understand how you survive your daily life being so afraid of even mild confrontation op. Must be exhausting.

KCIII · 13/05/2023 13:49

Been thinking what I would do in this situation. They are either CF or genuinely strapped for cash but living the high life in appearances.

both scenarios are bad in different ways, but I would pay and that would be the end of our friendship.

Mirabai · 13/05/2023 13:51

bobbysock · 13/05/2023 12:42

I honestly don’t understand how you survive your daily life being so afraid of even mild confrontation op. Must be exhausting.

IKR. Avoiding confrontation seems much more stressful than addressing it.

Original poster
ColdBrewInSummer · 13/05/2023 14:59

I have bad anxiety that I have just started treatment for. Part of my plan is to become better at standing up for myself. I’ve always been terrible at it and probably let way too many people walk over me. This is a prime example!

Anyway! Thanks for all your replies. Glad to know that my annoyance at the situation is justified.

Undecided about what we’ll do when they come over/if we’ll have them over/if we’ll continue our friendship.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 13/05/2023 15:07

it's a pity you've paid, OP, i'd have first said "no, this is a joke, right?"
followed up with "can you take off the 12% service charge"
or have transferred over the 40 quid less 12% less cost of wine, and an explanation of how you arrived at the sum.

And since they are coming to yours - tell them they can transfer the amount upfront.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 13/05/2023 16:17

I commented earlier but I'd actually send them a payment request for the wine... They might just realise how ridiculous they were and I'd certainly not host them again I hope your anxiety gets easier

Olivida98 · 13/05/2023 16:35

It’s shocking that you’d consider not continuing a friendship because they asked for money. I’d happily chip in for any meal my friends made if they were short of cash and asked - it’s about spending time together, not money.

newnamethanks · 13/05/2023 16:40

Haven't read above, apologies. When you reply, include an invoice for the time you and co spent at her house. Your hourly rates will exceed the cost of dinner. Tell her you don't want to be petty so she can keep the change and can also keep any future invitations to herself as well. YANBU. Outrageous.

MsRosley · 13/05/2023 16:51

Olivida98 · 13/05/2023 16:35

It’s shocking that you’d consider not continuing a friendship because they asked for money. I’d happily chip in for any meal my friends made if they were short of cash and asked - it’s about spending time together, not money.

It's shocking that you'd consider continuing a friendship with people who asked for that much money for hosting a meal. If you're going to charge someone, you should at least let them know beforehand, not just land it on them afterwards. Not to mention that they overcharged for the food, overlooked the wine OP contributed, and overall acted like tight-fisted, cheapskates.

Life advice: get better friends who don't take the piss out of you.

Betterbear · 13/05/2023 16:56

Basic manners not a thing for you then?

Grumpy67i8 · 13/05/2023 17:09

I would have paid too in order to end it, any further argument about it would not be worth it. Then retracted the invitation to mine, i wouldn't be able to have them over after that. They are unbelievably cheeky and actually very weird.

SquirrelFan · 13/05/2023 17:18

Well, I don't think you were wrong or 'meek' to pay when they requested, but I do think you've learned a (mildly expensive) lesson about what kind of people they are (at least at this point in their lives - they may come to realise that they are CFs!). I might be tempted to invite them for a meal, and then if they offer anything towards it, say blithely, 'of course not, we invited you, we would never expect a guest to pay for a meal.' If they don't offer anything toward the meal, then they are indeed CFs and if you want to continue to see them, you might as well do it at a restaurant and each pay their own.

porridgeisbae · 13/05/2023 17:19

It’s shocking that you’d consider not continuing a friendship because they asked for money. I’d happily chip in for any meal my friends made if they were short of cash and asked - it’s about spending time together, not money.

@Olivida98 Are you saying how they acted was ok?

It's fine to ask for money before the event (though makes more sense to cater based on the budget you have if you're hosting, or potluck, or don't host for now.)

It's not on to tell someone they should give you money after the event, without warning.

Because people had come based on them maybe bringing a bottle, and they didn't consent to something that was going to cost them ££.

Most of the month I just don't have money in my account, I allocate it to other things. So it would be really difficult if someone did this.

I wouldn't want to be confrontational- but I would tell them I don't have the money.

piedbeauty · 13/05/2023 17:26

That's bonkers and super-rude. Telling you after the fact? Even worse.

Grammarnut · 13/05/2023 17:50

What sort of people are they? Unbelievable bad manners. Who asks the dinner guests to pay for their dinner? I'd be inclined not to invite them back, but there is definitely a frisson of pleasure in inviting them and not asking for them to pay for their dinner. Might just teach them better manners.

Chickenkeev · 13/05/2023 17:53

I suffer from anxiety too and would have paid. And then seethed after. I don't know what they were thinking but it's not normal by any stretch. CFs imo.

Betterbear · 13/05/2023 18:01

Are they very young?. I say this because a lot of the younger generation do not follow social norms. What seems rude to the 35+ is normal practice for younger people. I find lots of things rude and bizarre that are deemed normal by others of a younger persuasion.

EasterBreak · 13/05/2023 18:18

ColdBrewInSummer · 13/05/2023 14:59

I have bad anxiety that I have just started treatment for. Part of my plan is to become better at standing up for myself. I’ve always been terrible at it and probably let way too many people walk over me. This is a prime example!

Anyway! Thanks for all your replies. Glad to know that my annoyance at the situation is justified.

Undecided about what we’ll do when they come over/if we’ll have them over/if we’ll continue our friendship.

I would text and just say 'The food costs for our meal is going to be roughly £20 per person. Are you OK to bring wine?' Then see what she says.

EasterBreak · 13/05/2023 18:18

Or don't even mention wine and see if she comes empty handed

EasterBreak · 13/05/2023 18:20

Betterbear · 13/05/2023 18:01

Are they very young?. I say this because a lot of the younger generation do not follow social norms. What seems rude to the 35+ is normal practice for younger people. I find lots of things rude and bizarre that are deemed normal by others of a younger persuasion.

Completely disagree with this. That's just rude people.

PotatoLove · 13/05/2023 18:24

Wow....now I've heard it all...🙄

ThatFraggle · 13/05/2023 18:25

Olivida98 · 13/05/2023 16:35

It’s shocking that you’d consider not continuing a friendship because they asked for money. I’d happily chip in for any meal my friends made if they were short of cash and asked - it’s about spending time together, not money.

It's not even just that they charged for the food. Unless it was a hand massaged wyagu steak the size OPs head, and spiced with saffron, they didn't eat £40 worth of food.

They charged OP, an invited guest, for COOKING the food.