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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I drive my friend's partner to hospital 1.5 hrs away at bullshit-o'clock with little notice?

210 replies

Dustyblue · 12/05/2023 05:19

Actually as soon as I typed that I started to think maybe I am being unreasonable.

My good friend is having a holiday in Italy by herself. Her partner wasn't thrilled about her leaving him for 2 weeks, acted quite juvenile about it really but boo hoo- my friend has dealt with 2 tragedies in the past year and desperately needed some travel and time away to recover and regroup.

Anyway he's hurt his finger and needs minor surgery to repair a tendon. I told my friend I'd drive him to the hospital and pick him up after, thinking it was our local hospital which is literally up the road.

But he's just told me it's another hospital about 90 minutes away with a 5am start. I'd have to miss the day's work and hang around waiting for him.

He could've organised patient transport from hospital to hospital, no idea why he didn't. It's too late now.

I'm going to have to do it aren't I? Only other option I can think of is to drive him there tonight and he can stay at a hotel. Then I can work tomorrow and pick him up afterwards. Arrghh I dont know which is worse. Also DH will have to stay with DC6 if I'm not WFM tomorrow.

WWYD?

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 12/05/2023 07:05

Dustyblue · 12/05/2023 07:02

Oh no, this started with Fred. My friend had already suggested other alternatives (her retired brother lives about 30 mins drive away, he could have done it) but Fred is more comfortable with me apparently.

My friend and I will be having a long chat when she gets home. Me no like Fred anymore.

Show quote history

I'm annoyed for you. You have a back up. The retired brother. You can say your boss is annoyed with you. I can't stand being duped. What a man child.

Eddielizzard · 12/05/2023 07:05

So entitled. I would never expect this of someone who wasn't even my friend. Absolutely no way should you lose a day's work!! He must go up tonight then.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 12/05/2023 07:11

Presumably he still has a selection of fully-functioning fingers?
Tell him to call a taxi.

Dontjudgeme101 · 12/05/2023 07:15

Dont do it. Let his retired brother take him.

piedbeauty · 12/05/2023 07:18

Fred sounds like a big sulky baby. I'd be supporting your friend to leave Fred when she gets home.

Youremyshininglight · 12/05/2023 07:20

Hes probably thinking if a man takes him he'll look pathetic for not sorting himself (true) whereas with a woman he gets a nursemaid!

Original poster
Dustyblue · 12/05/2023 07:24

For once I agree with every single post on a thread.

Fred better call me back soon.

I'm committed now so will follow through but wow, what a lesson in checking details hey!

OP posts:
MrsOvertonsWindow · 12/05/2023 07:32

But you're committed under false pretences. And to consider taking a day off work for a man with a sore finger? What's that Mumsnet saying - No is a complete sentence.

twoleggedpirate · 12/05/2023 07:34

Can he not get a taxi there which he pre books? Then you could work and pick him up after surgery is done - if he has to wait till you finished work then that’s fine. He either does that or arrange another taxi home?

Bloopsie · 12/05/2023 07:37

Dustyblue · 12/05/2023 06:20

On the patient transport thing- I think it's because we're a rural location that there's a service available, so I've heard. But yes it makes sense that it would still only be for people who have more problems than a torn finger tendon!

He's acting all 'woe is me' because my friend is away, she's a nurse who would've taken care of him and he's still grumpy she left in the first place.

Because we're in a small town with a flash new multi-million dollar extension to the hospital I genuinely thought he was having it done there. I think my friend did too, or she would've have mentioned he had to travel.

I'm going to call him and float the hotel overnight idea. Public transport would take a while but he could've done it if he'd organised himself earlier.

I'm definitely doing this for my friend so she doesn't cop his stress when she's trying to destress on holiday!

Your friend and her boyfriend are adults, you are not talking about a child needing to go to hospital. If she was that distressed about torn ligament of her bfs she would have been on the flight back

ohdearmynamechangedagain · 12/05/2023 07:38

HappiestPenguin · 12/05/2023 05:51

‘Oh I’m sorry Fred, I wish you had told me upfront that it was x hospital. I presumed it was the local one, unfortunately I work on a Friday so there’s no way I can get you there’.

He can get a bus the day before and a hotel, like any functioning adult would.

This is a fine message to send.

God, it would annoy me having someone who can't look after himself. He can walk. Get a taxi. Take a bus. Boo-fucking-hoo.

ohnonowwhat · 12/05/2023 07:40

As soon as I found out it was not at the local hospital I would've have laughed and said no, obviously not - it was absolutely on him (them) to let you know from the off it was miles away. Very weird they didn't actually, can't imagine why they didn't think it would be relevant unless they knew you'd say no... If someone asks me to give them a lift to Tesco I would assume they meant the one that's two minutes away and say yes, if when I collect them they say they actually want to go to one that's a 3 hour round trip I'd tell them to fuck right off and laugh in their face! But if you've known where it is for a while and haven't said no, you probably have to do it now - you should have said immediately unfortunately.

PimpMyFridge · 12/05/2023 07:43

If you've got a hospital appointment and someone offers you a lift, any sane person would say 'thanks, it is such and such hospital not the local one though... Are you are you want to offer that?'
So I'd have come back with that on discovery and telling him it's the kind of detail that should be mentioned at the start dontchya think

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 12/05/2023 07:43

As you've already said yea I'd feel obliged to take him, unless you've only just found out it's a 90 min drive, in which case I'd tell him I can't as I've got work and to sort himself out other transport

Sevenbells · 12/05/2023 07:43

It sounds to me like he is punishing his friend for going away by putting you in the position of having to sort out the mess his life becomes when mummy goes away.

He's created a mess that she has to solve by dragging you and essentially ruining your weekend, and your partners.

So she won't go away again because look what happens?

You're buying into his behaviour and not helping your friend. You can still say no.

Emotionalsupportviper · 12/05/2023 07:44

Losingweightissohard · 12/05/2023 05:38

Drop him off the day before he can stay in a hotel the night before.

This.

He's a grown up. He can spend a night away from home all on his own without being supervised (or perhaps he can't - is he likely to do something else stupid and have another accident?) Either way, not your worry.

A 90 minute drive at daft o'clock when you have work is not feasible, and even taking him in the evening is a 3 hour trip for you and he's bliddy lucky you're prepared to do it.

Emotionalsupportviper · 12/05/2023 07:45

PimpMyFridge · 12/05/2023 07:43

If you've got a hospital appointment and someone offers you a lift, any sane person would say 'thanks, it is such and such hospital not the local one though... Are you are you want to offer that?'
So I'd have come back with that on discovery and telling him it's the kind of detail that should be mentioned at the start dontchya think

Exactly this.

diddl · 12/05/2023 07:46

He has other options-tell him no!

WaltzingWaters · 12/05/2023 07:49

You really aren’t committed to this now. Unless you’ve known for a while which hospital it was. But assuming you e just found out when starting this thread, you just say “I assumed you meant the local hospital which is fine, but I cannot take time off and have no childcare, I will not be able to take you to x hospital”. He’s a grown man with a sore finger. He can sort himself out. If you do do it (which you shouldn’t) arrange it so you don’t miss work, even if that means dropping him the night before and him having to wait hours to be picked up.

coodawoodashooda · 12/05/2023 07:53

Sevenbells · 12/05/2023 07:43

It sounds to me like he is punishing his friend for going away by putting you in the position of having to sort out the mess his life becomes when mummy goes away.

He's created a mess that she has to solve by dragging you and essentially ruining your weekend, and your partners.

So she won't go away again because look what happens?

You're buying into his behaviour and not helping your friend. You can still say no.

I was going to say that. I also think he just shouldn't ask. He should be the one back peddling and all embarrassed.

Original poster
Dustyblue · 12/05/2023 07:54

I know, I know. I just blithely/stupidly said yes thinking it was up the road!

Update- Fred called, he's booked a hotel near the hospital & I'm picking him up soon, at 6.30pm our time. So will hopefully be home by 9.30-10pm.

That means I can get in my 6 hrs WFH tomorrow and DH can go to work whilst DC6 stays with me.

He is having a general but only a short one, I reckon he'd be fine to make his own way home, but if necessary myself or DH will go back and get him tomorrow sometime. Best solution I can come up with.

Believe me, I will be having a wine and chat with my friend when she gets back. We know each other well enough that I can say "Girlfriend, seriously- what type of man-child behaviour are you putting up with?"

Thanks again all, wish me luck with Mr Moany. Can see myself cranking the music to drown him out.

OP posts:
Clymene · 12/05/2023 07:55

You're a saint. Take a good podcast with you.

FoxAndBeer · 12/05/2023 07:57

Fred's mummy spoilt him, and didn't teach him any life skills or resilience 🙁

Now Fred needs other women to be his mummy and do things for him that a functional, self respecting adult would do independently.

Fred's shite.

Original poster
Dustyblue · 12/05/2023 07:57

Sevenbells · 12/05/2023 07:43

It sounds to me like he is punishing his friend for going away by putting you in the position of having to sort out the mess his life becomes when mummy goes away.

He's created a mess that she has to solve by dragging you and essentially ruining your weekend, and your partners.

So she won't go away again because look what happens?

You're buying into his behaviour and not helping your friend. You can still say no.

Ooooh, your post is uncannily accurate, almost spooky. Are you a witch?

I think could be exactly what's going on.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 12/05/2023 07:57

No I wouldn’t do it, it’s too much to expect. Couldn’t imagine sitting in a car, and having to chat to a friends partner for all that time, a close friend would be different. I can see why he can’t take public transport tbh. I would just say you thought if was local etc and you can’t do it.

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