To not want MIL at the hospital

[user1086]

Four days ago, I had a really traumatic labour where I suddenly became unwell (sepsis pathway) and was being prepared for an emergency c-section. However I managed to avoid having a c-section and managed to give birth naturally but tore really badly and lost a lot of blood. The whole thing was quite traumatising. I am now on a course of antibiotics (along with DD) and have to stay in hospital until our infection markers go down.

The hospital we're in has really strict visitation guidelines. The birth partner (DP) is allowed to be there all day but only one other additional visitor is allowed and they can only stay for an hour. MIL has visited once (the day after I gave birth) and on the other days I've had my mum there. As much as I do like my MIL, it's not the same as having my mum there and I much prefer having my mum there. I've had my mum visit again today and DP has told me his mum's not very happy and feels like she's being treated like an outsider as she's only visited once. DP is also in a bad mood with me for making his mum feel this way.

AIBU for wanting my mum here and not his?

Should say mum HERE not THERE*!

This is not a normal meet the baby situation, you are a patient in hospital!
Ask your DH if he was a patient in hospital allowed one visitor a day for an hour would he be sharing it equally between the mothers?

I think when he goes through pregnancy and childbirth he gets to chose. As it is, it's you who did this so you chose.
Is MIL able to visit the baby separately or are you together.

Sorry to hear your experience. How long until you’re home? TBH I wouldn’t want visitors at all, you must be exhausted! Ultimately you’re the patient and it’s your decision.

No you’re not being unreasonable wanting your mum, it’s a natural response in your situation.
Is there any other way you could get your MIL more involved? Could she take baby out in their bed for a little walk to let you sleep for example.

I wouldn’t have wanted my MIL there ! I think your DH needs to explain how very poorly you were, and how it’s natural to want your own mother.

They can both fuck off. Tell him you'll swap him for your mum and he can come for an hour a day if he keeps moaning! You could have died! Tell him that, repeatedly. Everytime he brings it up.

You are in the midst of a hugely emotive and traumatic time.
You are the patient. You are fully entitled to have who you want there and choosing your own Mother to be with you is entirely reasonable.
Your DH needs to understand that you are not excluding your MIL, you are seeking support whilst you recover.
MIL can see you and baby once you’re out of hospital, when you are better and when you are not subject to hospital visiting hours.
stand firm.

You have a husband problem not a mil problem. He needs to tell her to back off and there will be loads of time to visit the baby when you come home.

I had a emcs last year and like you both me and baby had infection markers for sepsis, I spent 5 days in hospital, only partner visited all day every day, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I looked a mess, no proper shower for days, barely any sleep as bany wouldn't be put down. I waited til we were home for visitors.

You nearly lost your life bringing your baby into this world. You get to do WHATEVER you want. Anything. If he doesn’t support that he can fuck off along with his ridiculous, childish, selfish mother.

I would normally say mil should have the same rights as mum's because baby is also your dh's but in the case of a traumatic birth I feel that's different.
You need to do whatever gets you through it and DH and mil will just have to get over it. If the hospital have said you can only have one other person for an hour a day that should give them a clue that it's quite serious.
Congratulations on your baby and hope you're both home soon.

With the greatest respect to your partner and MIL they need to cop on. You are a patient on top of the typical recovery post birth.

I’d usually say that mils tend to get the rough end off do the stick when it comes to seeing new grandchildren in the early days and that’s not really fair. However, in this instance with you having been through so much, it’s natural to want the person you are closest to with you. Once you are home your mil can see your baby- you’ll probably be glad of a break by then too. I wish you both a speedy recovery.

It's sad for MILs being classed as second class citizens. I hope your MIL has a daughter of her own.

He's IN A BAD MOOD WITH YOU?

What a Prince of a man

Wanker

But the MIL isn't being treated as a second class citizen. It's not her child (the DP) in hospital- this is about OP not the baby.

How fucking dare they.

You are unwell and someone is moaning about unfair visiting.

And your partner hasn't checked them.

He's pathetic and she's a twat.

Your own mother would be coming to see you and baby and help you, mil probably only interested in seeing the baby so YANBU.

You don't like your mil.

Did you actually read the OP @Dillydollydingdong ?
This isn’t about treating MIL as a second class citizen. This is about the OP recovering from what was legitimately a near death experience.

Take the baby out of the equation.
If OP was in hospital recovering from a near death experience and didn’t want her MIL visiting instead of her own Mother would she be unreasonable in that case? Of course she wouldn’t. You would never tell someone recovering from near death that they need to treat their in laws as equals to their birth family. You would tell that person that they need to focus on recovery and put their own needs first.
This is no different. The baby is a red herring. MIL is stamping her feet because she wants time with the baby. Unfortunately this is not a normal experience, wanting that precious one hour per day with her own Mother is absolutely the OPs right. That baby won’t ‘spoil’. MIL can have plenty of time once they are out of hospital.

I am a MIL and GM, and if my DDIL was in your position there’s no way I’d be trying to oust her mum!! Why would that be OK? I would like lots of photos of the baby and regular updates, but there will be times for cuddles in a week or so.

Hope you’re both well soon.

This is about you being a patient in hospital, not about who gets to visit the baby. Will the hospital be at all flexible and let MIL visit for a bit at a different time?

You are still in hospital because YOU are ill. Unfortunately once the baby is out, it really seems the concept of the woman as the patient gets ignored by everyone from the medics to family. Ask your partner if he’d ensure your parents would have an equal share of visits if he were to be in hospital? I think we can all assume your MIL’s upset is over access to your baby not access to you, so is your baby well enough to briefly go down to the hospital canteen to see granny?

YANBU
I think I'd consider giving your MIL a call yourself for a chat and bring this visiting issue up. You need your own mum around you at a time like this after a horrible birth and restricted visiting makes it all much more complicated. Your mothers there to support you, the baby is kind of incidental to this.
In a perfect world your DH would have shut this down and never told you about it. This hospital stay is about you more than the baby, let's face it, it's the baby she's most interested in and there'll be plenty of time for that later when you're home
I would seriously consider upgrading your mum to 24hr visiting and downgrading your DH if he's only going to come in and upset you