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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL at the hospital

309 replies

user1086 · 11/05/2023 21:09

Four days ago, I had a really traumatic labour where I suddenly became unwell (sepsis pathway) and was being prepared for an emergency c-section. However I managed to avoid having a c-section and managed to give birth naturally but tore really badly and lost a lot of blood. The whole thing was quite traumatising. I am now on a course of antibiotics (along with DD) and have to stay in hospital until our infection markers go down.

The hospital we're in has really strict visitation guidelines. The birth partner (DP) is allowed to be there all day but only one other additional visitor is allowed and they can only stay for an hour. MIL has visited once (the day after I gave birth) and on the other days I've had my mum there. As much as I do like my MIL, it's not the same as having my mum there and I much prefer having my mum there. I've had my mum visit again today and DP has told me his mum's not very happy and feels like she's being treated like an outsider as she's only visited once. DP is also in a bad mood with me for making his mum feel this way.

AIBU for wanting my mum here and not his?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1086 · 11/05/2023 22:51

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/05/2023 22:39

Bless you. If you just want your mum, I really think you should consider upgrading her to your main visitor even just for a day or two. Your health is very important to your little bean and the last thing you need is a sulking hulk of a man next to you. Then your dh can decide whether or not he wants to give up his hour slot to his mum. And on the plus side, if your mum is present when your mil is there, you won’t feel outnumbered.

Would love to have my mum as my main visitor but think that would just make things worse as DP would probably take that badly. This is all just stressing me out, so much so that I'm 4 days postpartum in a hospital bed posting on Mumsnet asking strangers for advice 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 11/05/2023 22:51

YANBU op. My MIL was also extremely pushy and turned up with DSs 3 couvains at the hospital despite knowing that they couldn't come in as they weren't my kids. She had a strop at the midwife. That went well....

I agree with everyone else. Tell your H that it's you that's the patient and you need to be put first.

If DD has a child I wouldn't dream of pushing my way in. I'm not the DILs mum and the relationship is different.

BananaCocktails · 11/05/2023 22:52

This is not a meet the baby situation like in the old days where mums used to stay in hospital for days and days after giving birth. Usually Mums go home the next day or the day after
The only reason you are in hospital is because you are unwell— not because of your pregnancy
I was very unwell after I had my child two months premature. I had a severe infection and people just kept coming and coming to the hospital. It absolutely did my head in and didn’t allow me to relax

blueelephant91 · 11/05/2023 22:53

I just wanted to let you know I experienced exactly the same thing. Both me and my boy had sepsis, he was born via emergency c section. It was traumatic. I didn't want to see my MIL so they waited until I was out of hospital and ready. I was not well enough. Equally just had my mum visit daily. Take care and remember you are the one going through this. You know what is best for you.

Dogscanteatonions · 11/05/2023 22:53

Dillydollydingdong · 11/05/2023 21:21

It's sad for MILs being classed as second class citizens. I hope your MIL has a daughter of her own.

Oh do fuck off dear

Wrongsideofpennines · 11/05/2023 22:57

Congratulations on the birth of your baby! I'm really sorry it was traumatic and I hope you are both better soon and able to go home.

Your mother in law is being ridiculous, and your husband should never have shared her thoughts with you. You are the patient and therefore you choose who visits. I would be tempted for your mum to have a word with him about supporting you more. Can she not spend more time at the hospital if he's not there rather than just that hour?

I do wonder if he is feeling quite overwhelmed about it all though, assuming he witnessed you being very unwell. Maybe it would be good for him to go home for a bit or to see his own parents for a bit of emotional support.

Dogscanteatonions · 11/05/2023 22:59

I'm so fucking cross with your husband OP - how fucking date he be in a strop with you over this! Utter wanker - he should be putting you first but his bloody mother.

whynotwhatknot · 11/05/2023 23:02

Its your dh thats worse here-how dare he make you feel bad after a traumatic birth that his mummy feels left out-is he always like this

shes already come in and met her grandchild-ffs

LookItsMeAgain · 11/05/2023 23:02

You poor thing. Please say something to the nursing staff about how you're feeling. I realise that on day 4 post partum your hormones are really fluctuating all over the place. Talk to the nurses. They may be able to shorten your DP's visits and move your mil along sooner. You need your rest while you recuperate. You don't need a competition about which grandmother is seeing you or the baby most and you definitely don't need a partner putting this extra pressure on you and essentially wrecking the first few days of motherhood for you.

Wenfy · 11/05/2023 23:05

I think you need to understand that being the ‘useless’ partner during childbirth can also be traumatic. It’s very likely just as you want your mum around to help you, your DP wants HIS mum around to help him. Is there a middle ground like your Mum’s your visitor but DH can meet his Mum downstairs with the baby? My Sil did something similar to this when she was on stroke watch after severe preclampsia - her Mum was naturally more concerned about her than the baby (who was healthy if small) while my mum was more concerned about my DB who’d been left to care for newborn in nicu. So they just planned parent visits to suit each of them.

Ouchthisstings · 11/05/2023 23:06

user1086 · 11/05/2023 22:51

Would love to have my mum as my main visitor but think that would just make things worse as DP would probably take that badly. This is all just stressing me out, so much so that I'm 4 days postpartum in a hospital bed posting on Mumsnet asking strangers for advice 🤦🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

I had postpartum breakdown after my first baby was born with serious illness, and a lot of counselling over several years. The main thrust of it was that childbirth is a uniquely traumatic time, even before you factor in everything you have been through.

Your husband needs to be very careful, because you may not be able to forgive him if he can't help you with something as natural and human as wanting your mum when you are horribly unwell and dealing with so much, even if you want to. He needs to take care that he doesn't break your trust in him altogether.

Wenfy · 11/05/2023 23:07

whynotwhatknot · 11/05/2023 23:02

Its your dh thats worse here-how dare he make you feel bad after a traumatic birth that his mummy feels left out-is he always like this

shes already come in and met her grandchild-ffs

Her DH has had to watch, helpless, as all of this has happened to Op. Lets not minimise his trauma. Just as OP wants her mum, he might want his mum. Nothing to stop him from meeting her in the hospital cafe with the baby / in the nicu with the baby. OP’s mum’s priority should be her.

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 11/05/2023 23:07

user1086 · 11/05/2023 22:51

Would love to have my mum as my main visitor but think that would just make things worse as DP would probably take that badly. This is all just stressing me out, so much so that I'm 4 days postpartum in a hospital bed posting on Mumsnet asking strangers for advice 🤦🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

First of all sending you a big hug - reading your post takes me back to being in a similar position and I fondly remember my dad saying to my now Ex… ‘that baby might be yours, and I’m overjoyed he is here and healthy. MY baby isn’t, she’s ill and until she’s better I will be here day and night’. I wept with relief because I needed someone to advocate for me, and to realise it wasn’t a pop up baby hugging station - I was taken to HDU and my Ex’s mum asked if they should just take the baby home - as opposed to next to me where he belonged.

Ouchthisstings · 11/05/2023 23:08

Wenfy · 11/05/2023 23:07

Her DH has had to watch, helpless, as all of this has happened to Op. Lets not minimise his trauma. Just as OP wants her mum, he might want his mum. Nothing to stop him from meeting her in the hospital cafe with the baby / in the nicu with the baby. OP’s mum’s priority should be her.

Show quote history

That's all well and good, but what part of it justifies the OP's husband being unkind to her because she isn't prioritising his mother?

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/05/2023 23:10

Wenfy · 11/05/2023 23:05

I think you need to understand that being the ‘useless’ partner during childbirth can also be traumatic. It’s very likely just as you want your mum around to help you, your DP wants HIS mum around to help him. Is there a middle ground like your Mum’s your visitor but DH can meet his Mum downstairs with the baby? My Sil did something similar to this when she was on stroke watch after severe preclampsia - her Mum was naturally more concerned about her than the baby (who was healthy if small) while my mum was more concerned about my DB who’d been left to care for newborn in nicu. So they just planned parent visits to suit each of them.

I think that’s a bit forceful and op doesn’t need to understand that right now. Her understanding can come later when she’s well. He needs to sort himself out if this is the case with his mum’s help and allow op to have her mum around her.

whattodo22222 · 11/05/2023 23:12

As a woman who has given birth herself, she should really know better than to be so selfish. My mum couldn't visit me in hospital due to covid restrictions and it broke my heart, I really needed her.

Ladysaurus · 11/05/2023 23:14

Tell him his mum can visit him when he nearly dies in childbirth.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/05/2023 23:15

user1086 · 11/05/2023 22:51

Would love to have my mum as my main visitor but think that would just make things worse as DP would probably take that badly. This is all just stressing me out, so much so that I'm 4 days postpartum in a hospital bed posting on Mumsnet asking strangers for advice 🤦🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Please stop putting your partner first. The break would probably do you both good. He sounds strung out and you’re not getting the best out of him. I think speaking to the hospital staff as some have suggested may be helpful. Perhaps they can plant the seed that he needs a break and maybe your mum could come for the day instead and mil visit so he has 24 hours to himself.

IceStationHorse · 11/05/2023 23:19

The baby can't be taken out of the equation. The baby is equally the father's as well as the mother's. He is entitled to have his mum visit if he wishes - what is one hour?

StrongandNorthern · 11/05/2023 23:19

Well at least the 'strangers' on MN seem (rightly) on your side!!
I hope the posts are mostly helping you ... it's a lonely place to be - in hospital, alone (except for your baby - however lovely ... prob not very supportive!). There's lots of ppl thinking of you. I really hope that helps, and you can get some sleep my lovely. Good Luck.

Bathintheshed · 11/05/2023 23:19

You poor thing! You have just had a baby, you are in hospital and he is angry with you! He is a Dad now, time to grow up and act like an adult. I agree that you should have someone with you who can support you and baby, not that self centered dickhead!

Gcsunnyside23 · 11/05/2023 23:21

Hope you are doing ok OP, please prioritise yourself and your mental health at the minute and not worry about the rest. You've went through something very traumatic never mind you are hitting the post baby blues.
Tell your husband to get a grip and if he keeps sulking he can go home, your mum can come all day and his mum can come for the hour visit

BlueBox81 · 11/05/2023 23:21

Yanbu and to your mum you are still her baby so she will want the reassurance of seeing you. Ask MIL how she would feel if her DS was sick in hospital and had to share visiting rights with your mum! I have a DS ( not an adult yet) but can't imagine throwing a wobbler in this situation. Would be sad not to see the DGC but would understand the wishes of the ill person who has just given birth takes priority!

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 11/05/2023 23:21

Oh OP I've been in a similar situation, after both my traumatic births I just wanted my mum, my partner was pretty useless and was piling on the pressure for his mum to be involved.

Don't let them bully you, don't listen to anyone on here who is jumping in about your partners feelings or his mums. You need to get better for your baby, that's your only responsibility, and if you want your mum then absolutely have her!

Right now, in the hospital bed this will feel so overwhelming and upsetting but I promise you, they (DP and MIL) will get over it.

Make whatever choices you want and definitely ask the nurses etc for help if DP is upsetting you. They will be used to dealing with people who are highly stressed and tired.

Try to rest, do whatever feels right. MIL is DPs problem, try not to let either of them take up your energy.

Congratulations on your new baby, you are a superstar, you should be so very proud of yourself. Sending you lots of love and I hope you're both better as soon as possible!

IceStationHorse · 11/05/2023 23:21

Bathintheshed · 11/05/2023 23:19

You poor thing! You have just had a baby, you are in hospital and he is angry with you! He is a Dad now, time to grow up and act like an adult. I agree that you should have someone with you who can support you and baby, not that self centered dickhead!

So he has to grow up and act like an adult yet we have so many babied women on here who can't do things without their mothers?