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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL at the hospital

309 replies

user1086 · 11/05/2023 21:09

Four days ago, I had a really traumatic labour where I suddenly became unwell (sepsis pathway) and was being prepared for an emergency c-section. However I managed to avoid having a c-section and managed to give birth naturally but tore really badly and lost a lot of blood. The whole thing was quite traumatising. I am now on a course of antibiotics (along with DD) and have to stay in hospital until our infection markers go down.

The hospital we're in has really strict visitation guidelines. The birth partner (DP) is allowed to be there all day but only one other additional visitor is allowed and they can only stay for an hour. MIL has visited once (the day after I gave birth) and on the other days I've had my mum there. As much as I do like my MIL, it's not the same as having my mum there and I much prefer having my mum there. I've had my mum visit again today and DP has told me his mum's not very happy and feels like she's being treated like an outsider as she's only visited once. DP is also in a bad mood with me for making his mum feel this way.

AIBU for wanting my mum here and not his?

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 11/05/2023 22:06

YANBU

Whatever happen to “I hope you both get well soon and if you all need anything or if there is anything I can do, please let me know.

Why make seeing the baby a competition especially when both mum and baby had a rough time?

Bonkers.

Addymontgomeryfan · 11/05/2023 22:08

Please ignore those saying you are wrong.

I was in a similar situation when my DC was born, I also wanted my mum because I was very ill and scared. My ex MIL acted the same as yours and my ex then took her side. Honestly I wish I had just got rid of him and her there and then.

You are the patient and they need to respect that.

Landndialamrhf · 11/05/2023 22:10

Can’t imagine getting sepsis and tearing my vag giving birth to his baby, and him thinking he can get in a strop with me.

you’re sick in hospital. The fact that MIL can only think about what’s fair for her, and her getting to see her grandchild is exactly why your mum is visiting and not her, since I suspect your mum also cares about you and helping you.

Ellie1015 · 11/05/2023 22:14

Yanbu.

Your mum is there as the person most able to support you not to visit the baby (although that is a wonderful bonus to say baby too). Explain that to dh and to mil. Dh should validate his mums feelings and reassure her this is a ahort term issue and she is really valued as gran "i get that it is hard not seeing baby, i wish you could be there too. But my wife needs her mums support as she is still unwell. Please do not think we dont appreciate you as gran and as soon as home or more visitors allowed you will be first in the queue"

However dh being moody is a more awkward and annoying problem. Tell him to get a grip and support you.

SnackSizeRaisin · 11/05/2023 22:14

It depends how long you stay in, perhaps if you end up staying a fortnight it might be nice to let mil have another visit.

But don't feel bad about putting your foot down. Mil isn't putting you first - she's being completely selfish. So why should you put her first? Especially as you're the one who's had the trauma.

If she had any sense she'd back off and be a bit more caring towards you, otherwise it doesn't bode well for future relationships.

tara66 · 11/05/2023 22:19

Your DH should only be concern about you and baby - not his mother! What's wrong with him!?

Sugargliderwombat · 11/05/2023 22:23

Dear god you are the patient !!! You have who you need. Visitors are there to help support the patient not play With the new baby.

35965a · 11/05/2023 22:24

Would he want your mum there if he was in hospital with a traumatic injury on his dick? I imagine the answer would be hell no. You have a DH problem here. Best wishes with your recovery.

Sugargliderwombat · 11/05/2023 22:24

Oh and I absolutely agree with a PP, she is not putting YOU first so don't feel an ounce of guilt at not putting her first. Your baby needs a happy healthy mum. Xxx

arecklessmanor · 11/05/2023 22:25

I'd be telling DP to fuck off and that your mum is your birth partner.
I would not make any effort to send her, or anyone else updates unless you feel up to it, you are ill in hospital.

FWIW I'm always an advocate of there is no need to treat all grandparents equally, I treat people as they deserve depending on how they treat me, and my DC are not a toy that people can take turns with.
I did not have any visitors in hospital but if I had it would have been my mum or sisters.

StrongandNorthern · 11/05/2023 22:28

HE'S 'in a bad mood ' ???
I wouldn't imagine you're in the best 'mood ' either!
Get well, look after your baby - let them sort it out.

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 11/05/2023 22:28

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 11/05/2023 21:15

They can both fuck off. Tell him you'll swap him for your mum and he can come for an hour a day if he keeps moaning! You could have died! Tell him that, repeatedly. Everytime he brings it up.

This

MissFancyDay · 11/05/2023 22:33

girlfriend44 · 11/05/2023 21:27

You don't like your mil.

I don't like her either

Awrite · 11/05/2023 22:33

So, at your most vulnerable point, your dh is criticising you rather than supporting you.

No wonder you want your Mum.

Please stick to your guns.

I know it's hard but you may never forgive the pair of them if you don't.

SavBlancTonight · 11/05/2023 22:35

How ill is DD? It seems to me that you have every right to want your mum when you have such limited time but if your MIL wants to cuddle baby, is it the kind of ward where your DP could take the baby to the hospital's coffee shop and have a coffee with his mum there with the baby? Obviously, that doesn't work if baby is quite sick but it could be a compromise and baby would still be very close so that DH could pop back if she got unsettled or needed feeding?

SemperIdem · 11/05/2023 22:36

Yanbu.

My MIL is a very nice woman. I absolutely would not want her present just after I’d given birth. I’d probably want a few hours before my own mum visited, to be honest and we’re close!

Puppers · 11/05/2023 22:38

girlfriend44 · 11/05/2023 21:27

You don't like your mil.

I can't imagine why 🤔 she sounds so caring and empathetic...

SemperIdem · 11/05/2023 22:38

posted too soon!

In your situation, I would feel exactly the same. I would want my mum there to support me. Your MIL and husband are being selfish beyond belief.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/05/2023 22:39

Bless you. If you just want your mum, I really think you should consider upgrading her to your main visitor even just for a day or two. Your health is very important to your little bean and the last thing you need is a sulking hulk of a man next to you. Then your dh can decide whether or not he wants to give up his hour slot to his mum. And on the plus side, if your mum is present when your mil is there, you won’t feel outnumbered.

Thelnebriati · 11/05/2023 22:40

YANBU. please talk to the ward staff about this, they can support you.

Snowballtorch · 11/05/2023 22:41

YANBU!!

Your Mum is there for YOU. MIL wants to be there for the baby. They are not equals in this situation.

ponderingsoul · 11/05/2023 22:42

What a nasty selfish thing for MIL to be complaining about. And pathetic and selfish of your husband to then pass onto you. My DH is like this with his awful mother too and I put up with so much for years until now and I am so cross with myself for not being stronger from the get go. Draw your boundaries now OP, this will just be the start unfortunately I imagine. You’ve been through a traumatic birth and now you’re a patient in a hospital. This is about you ans your baby. Not your fucking MIL. Makes me so angry!!

Mischance · 11/05/2023 22:44

Ask him if he were very ill in hospital would he choose to have his MIL visit or his own mum.

Climbles · 11/05/2023 22:46

Even if you were being unreasonable (which you’re not) you’ve just had a baby and a really rough time, now isn’t the time to be in a ‘mood’ with you or try to manipulate you into doing anything you don’t want to.

Nat6999 · 11/05/2023 22:47

I had the same when ds was born, had a traumatic birth & was in HDU for three days as I was so poorly. The morning after he was born mil & sil turned up, I was nil by mouth & had not eaten for four days & they proceeded to get out an M & S picnic & sat stuffing their faces. There was a limit of 2 visitors & they expected my husband to leave when they were there, after an hour my mum turned up & they ignored her & didn't take the hint that it was time to leave. I was still in my theatre gown, unwashed, sat on an incontinence pad instead of having pants & a maternity pad. In the end, my mum just marched in & asked them if they wanted to help wash & change me, they were off like a shot.