To not want MIL at the hospital

[user1086]

Four days ago, I had a really traumatic labour where I suddenly became unwell (sepsis pathway) and was being prepared for an emergency c-section. However I managed to avoid having a c-section and managed to give birth naturally but tore really badly and lost a lot of blood. The whole thing was quite traumatising. I am now on a course of antibiotics (along with DD) and have to stay in hospital until our infection markers go down.

The hospital we're in has really strict visitation guidelines. The birth partner (DP) is allowed to be there all day but only one other additional visitor is allowed and they can only stay for an hour. MIL has visited once (the day after I gave birth) and on the other days I've had my mum there. As much as I do like my MIL, it's not the same as having my mum there and I much prefer having my mum there. I've had my mum visit again today and DP has told me his mum's not very happy and feels like she's being treated like an outsider as she's only visited once. DP is also in a bad mood with me for making his mum feel this way.

AIBU for wanting my mum here and not his?

It's not fucking sad for MILs. DIL needs her mother because she is ill and weak. At least MIL is spared the worry over her own child being deathly ill, and she has met her grandchild already so she's not missing out.

I don't have any daughters, but do have a DIL, and they are always careful to include me early in the news when they're making me a grandchild, and to invite me to meet baby as soon as possible; but fond though I am of DIL I am not her mother and can't simply step into those shoes as though there were no difference between the two. At times like this the most capable woman needs emotional support. Providing she has the right kind of mother (which she does) that is the very best person to give it. Meanwhile my job would be to provide emotional support to my son, who would no doubt be worried sick about his wife and new baby. If I started grumbling about grandparents' rights etc at such an inopportune time, DS would soon set me straight, because DIL also has the right sort of husband (thanks to me, obviously!).

You are being so unbelievably NOT unreasonable.

Don't you dare give in - you are the patient, YOU choose your visitors.

What strikes me is that OP doesn't mention the baby at all. We wouldn't necessarily know you'd had a baby from what you've written OP. We do know, of course, because we understand the context.

I mention this because it's unclear exactly why MiL wants to visit and who she wants to see. We can easily understand wanting to see and hold the new baby but is that what this is about? Maybe she's got something else going on. Is it some kind of jealousy or power trip? Is her nose out of joint? As to your husband's opinion, OP, ask him if he'd like your dad at his bedside if he were in hospital.

I never understand why anyone wants to hang around hospitals, especially after having worked in them. Much better places to send your time in than hospitals.

You’re the patient. Not your H. You’re also extremely unwell, not to mention newly postpartum. You choose as they’re your visitors.

There’s plenty of time for her to see the baby once you’re home, it’s not like it’s going to grow up and be at school by next week.

Stand firm. Remember, you’re the patient.

It’s a temporary situation. They’ve got a lifetime of baby snuggles ahead of them, it just all feels very heightened when someone’s gave birth.
I didn’t have any visitors in hospital when I had my baby 5 months ago, not even my mum as I was so exhausted. Once we got home I had immediate family who were amazing and brought food, done dishes and what not.
MIL’s just over excited.

My problem is with your husband not respecting your decision after such a bad birth.

Ask him if he would want your mum visiting him every day if he had his knob ripped off and was staying in hospital to recover.

Get a grip. The OP has sepsis. She’s a patient. Of course she wants her mum over a pushy mother in law.

As per the excellent suggestion of another poster, tell your H to bugger off, get your mum in as the full time visitor and he can visit for a single hour a day.

This is amazing!

WTF is wrong with your DH?!

You aren’t just a vessel to deliver her grandchild you’re there because you’re a PATIENT. You take priority and you only.

I had a v similar birth 10 years ago OP and can I just say - take it easy. Seriously, do nothing and don’t rush to feel better it will only hold you back. You will get better physically but perhaps ask if your hospital has a maternity listening service as a traumatic birth is extremely hard to process and even now I hate thinking about mine.

To address some of the comments saying I don't like my MIL and I'm treating her like a second class citizen - I'm feeling really emotional and scared at the moment and just want my mum. I'm aware that makes me sound like a child, but that's just how I feel. It's nothing to do with me not liking MIL and I understand she may feel sad about not seeing the baby as much as she'd hoped, but there will be plenty of time for her to see DD when we're home. When she visited I found her really overbearing and she spent most of the time literally trying to shove my boob in DD's mouth (DD is having trouble latching on) and all I wanted to do was rest and go to sleep.

@Anniegetyourgun I love you. Brava.

Oh get over yourself

most people, if ill, and op is ill, would want their mother to help and be there and no one else when they feel so rough I certainly wouldn’t want anyone other than my partner and mother

Op your partner needs to understand what you have been through and how you feel! If he was as ill as you he want your mother there looking after him? He should be defending you to his mother, explaining how ill you are and that in fact it’s right it’s your mother helping.

I had an emcs. Dh told mil no visitors. She turned up. I was fuming.
Why do mil's always try and make your birth and dc about them?
I wouldn't care mil fucked us all off soon after. No actual interest in ds at all.

They are second class citizens to patients in hospital, yes.

Next time you’re gravely ill in hospital let’s see how you feel about having a visitor there you don’t want to see

I really don’t feel her mother in law needs to be involved? It’s her who is unwell, she wants her mum. I would want my mum! The MIL sounds like an entitled brat

This isn't about the baby at all.

Ask your MIL who would be visiting your husband if he were a patient in hospital. Beacuse it wouldn't be your mother.

I hate the way some people see pregnant and postpartum women as mere delivery systems of grandchildren, for them to get their mitts on, at all cost. It’s twisted. Some people like to exploit the vulnerability of a newly delivered woman to get exactly what they want, and if the one person who’s supposed to defend the new mother and advocate for them, their partner, is privy to the exploitation, she’s fucked.

If your DH was ill in hospital would he like your mum to be visiting him?

As long as you are unwell and in hospital then your needs must come before your MILs

I wouldn’t like someone behaving like an entitled insensitive twat either

I'm with @Ladybug14 here.

He can bring his mum in to see the baby if the nurses are able to bring your baby to the nursery. Once your baby is by your bedside, you call the shots.

I'd even go so far as to suggest that you'll see both your DH and his mother whenever the medical team you're now under see fit to discharge you and not a moment sooner, so they can both shut the actual f up!

You can like your MIL and still only want your mum when you’re in hospital with sepsis having nearly died during labour. 🙄

And any MIL and her stupid flying monkey son who can’t see that, should find themselves both on the outside of the revolving hospital doors.

I had the same experience as you , sepsis and haemorrhage also emcs under general . I had in laws visit once and i cried the whole time they were there after a comment from a midwife set me off. I was in blood soaked sheets attached to a catheter it was awful I was mentally and physically in bits and severely sleep deprived. Your partner is being an absolute prick your in your most vulnerable state, this is the last thing you need. If you can manage it just tell him to fuck off and you’ve had enough, say you want your mum to swap with him for the days.

I found the most helpful support in these situations is to talk to either a nurse or doctor and ask them to have a word with your husband. Choose the medic you think will be good at this and explain it’s making you very anxious and stressed. Ask them to tell your DH that you need your mum the vast majority of the time and he has to manage the situation. Medics are very good at doing this and are well used to such requests.

Believe me, you have a whole lifetime of a pushy MIL ahead of you, so get your DH trained up to tell her that the only concern in this ( and all future situations) is the welfare of you and your baby and she needs to act accordingly. If he can do this in a way that gets her onside, that’s great. If she doesn’t get the message and insists that her ‘rights’ take precedence, then he needs to nip it in the bud right now.

In short, man up.

What an absolute pair of dicks they both are. Makes me so angry. Reminds me of my own similar dh/mil trauma. You have my most profound sympathies, get well soon.

I actually did like mil. I encouraged dh to build on their relationship post estrangement...
I had a suspected heart attack post emcs at 35 weeks.

Mil's response was that great dh could go on holiday with her and fil now.
Dc had been due mid annual holiday date...