To not want MIL at the hospital

[user1086]

Four days ago, I had a really traumatic labour where I suddenly became unwell (sepsis pathway) and was being prepared for an emergency c-section. However I managed to avoid having a c-section and managed to give birth naturally but tore really badly and lost a lot of blood. The whole thing was quite traumatising. I am now on a course of antibiotics (along with DD) and have to stay in hospital until our infection markers go down.

The hospital we're in has really strict visitation guidelines. The birth partner (DP) is allowed to be there all day but only one other additional visitor is allowed and they can only stay for an hour. MIL has visited once (the day after I gave birth) and on the other days I've had my mum there. As much as I do like my MIL, it's not the same as having my mum there and I much prefer having my mum there. I've had my mum visit again today and DP has told me his mum's not very happy and feels like she's being treated like an outsider as she's only visited once. DP is also in a bad mood with me for making his mum feel this way.

AIBU for wanting my mum here and not his?

I don't understand why your mother-in-law is even visiting at all? You'd want your husband and your mum only, surely? Visiting is for the benefit of the patient.
Hope you're making a good recovery, OP x

I totally get how, as a new grandmother, you'd be itching to spend time with the baby and your son/DIL. I know if I had a new grandchild I'd want all the cuddles I was allowed. This is where rational thought and adult controlling your wants comes in.

There is a mother and baby who are sick in hospital, with limited energy, trying to heal. Sometimes things don't work as we'd like and we have to have patience and wait. My job as the MIL would be to control my feelings and think about what the new family needs. I'd hope for some pics and for updates, but otherwise I'd be asking if there's anything I can drop at the hospital that they need (I mean not have to take the room, drop at the desk or door and run). Do they have pets that need feeding? How can I support them?

Then I'd look forward to when everyone is home and well and I can step into whatever my grandma role is.

Had a good day today, it was lovely having my mum here all day, DP seems to be out of his strop and there were no boob manhandling incidents with MIL!

When MIL was leaving, my mum had to get something out of her car so went outside with her and I suspect my mum said something to MIL as she's messaged me asking if I need anything and has offered to bring some food despite not being bothered about me on the other four days I've been here!

Good. She likely reminded her you nearly died. Silly woman. Hope your dh also sees sense. He probably missed you and had time to worry today, and you had a bit of time to switch off safe with your mum not worrying about him.

It echos the way my father acted after my baby was born , when I was coming home I wanted to get showered, changed, chill and settle in, and have parents round the next day, but all my partner got in response was "we want to see him, we want to see him"

Glad to hear that OP, you deserve your rest and recuperation in a calm environment.

I'm still gob smacked that there are multiple MILs out there who think that 'manhandling' their DIL's (and probably their own daughter's) breasts is perfectly acceptable!!

My MIL would have ended up missing some fingers if she tried that shit with me - that is, after I'd got over the initial shock!!

That's progress.

I do hope you're doing better every day and you'll be able to be discharged soon and get back to your own creature comforts when you get home.

New routines will have to be established again with your baby when you do, but it's all positive.

Keep doing what you're doing 🥰

The baby is poorly!

Good lord some people have no consideration. Glad your husband has come out of his stupid strop. Tell him the next time he pushes a baby out of his fanny, tearing it in the process, your Mum can't wait to visit him lots. Idiot.

Just wanted to add that baby and I are currently doing really well. Infection markers are still slightly raised but the doctor thinks we'll be ready to go home by Monday.

Thank you all for your comments on this thread, it was really comforting to read your messages of support on a day where everything just felt really stressful. ❤️

Glad to hear you’re both doing well. Not to pre-empt trouble but could you prep your mum to ensure that you’re going home just you, the baby and DH, not MIL too (assuming that’s what you want). The hospital transition and first day home can be quite a shock and personally I always wanted the day to settle before having other people in my space.

Totally agree with this. Will your mum be staying for a few days to help you out on a practical matters (eg cooking, looking after baby whilst you sleep/shower), laundry for a few days once you're home? I know your DP should also be doing those things but having your mum there for a little longer would help you? 🌹

No, mum is poorly. Baby is well. It’s the hospital that has the rule that baby and mum are considered ‘one’ - this isn’t the case at any of my local hospitals so mums get a lot more family support.

Baby is still unwell I think.

Doing well but infection markers still raised-so still needing to be in hospital.

Both are poorly and both need antibiotics. The baby will actually be more at risk due to not being able to fight off infection as well as an adult could, so slightly raised infection markers in a newborn will be more concerning than slightly raised infection markers in an adult.

I was in exactly your situation with my first. I let mil and in laws visit. Mil was a bitch to me and I was angry about the whole thing for a year afterwards. You are the patient, they can see baby once you are home. Hope you’re recovering, blood loss and antibiotics after labour is exhausting on top of having a newborn x

Yup!

This is about you OP.

Yes it's his baby as well but he didn't give birth or need a stay in hospital.

If MIL is feeling pushed out & like an outsider that's for her to deal with not you.

Imo your husband is an absolute shit for saying that.

Even worse if it's his opinion & he's trying to guilt trip you.

Bearing in mind your baby isn't even a week old yet & has been ill FFS!

Hi op it's really unfortunate you have one of those mils.
You have suffered trauma but apparently nothing compared to a pushed out Mil who can't see her baby. 😡😡.

I really wish hospitals recognised mils and pils sometimes as appalling visitors and have protocols for them visiting.
It disgusts me.

There should be a little questionaire for them
Do you care for dil in any way.
Do you understand that dil has just been through massive physical and emotional impact.do you understand dil is at risk from post partum blues and how serious this is.
Will you respect the baby and your dil and leave when asked etc.

You are more than welcome for the support, for whatever part we each played in boosting you enough to be able to, while you're recovering, say no.

I just wanted to say to you that I hope you and your new bundle of joy do manage to recover sufficiently that you can be discharged early next week and that you can start afresh when you get home. I wanted to send you every good wish in being able to set reasonable boundaries and have them respected by all.

Onwards and upwards from here on in!

@LookItsMeAgain thank you so much. ❤️

This same poster has decided this is the hill they wish to fight on. It has been pointed out MANY times to @Wenfy that the baby was also ill, on antibiotics and had high infection markers and it didn't stop them from pontificating about how OP's baby should be removed from NICU/her side and taken to the cafeteria or else where so that MIL could get her paws on the baby.

Apparently, reading comprehension is not a skill every has. Or they're directly being obstreperous.

Oh, I hope you and the baby continue to do well and get to go home soon!

Remember, when you get home, you will still be a bit unsteady, tired and recovering. You will need time for the three "Rs"; rest, recuperation and recharge. Hopefully, your Mom will be able to come and help for a few days plus while your MIL has some class and gives you a couple of days before bombarding your home. She needs to remember it is YOUR child, not her new doll or a chance to raise another kid. She didn't do that well with her son, IMHO.

Exactly this

@Greenpolkadot - I rather thing that the op is NO LONGER in the midst of a traumatic time, and that 6 MONTHS down the track both she and her DD are home.

Perhaps pay more attention to the date and not resurrect a Zombie thread??!!

This makes me some cross you should be the no 1 priority, you need to be supported first because you are supporting a new born.
Leaflets should be given out to this effect.

As as an aside the language in the post is strange "i managed to avoid a c section and give birth natural but tore badly".

Op there is nothing at all wrong with c sections and next time if they offer it, consider it with an open mind.

Good luck.