To not want MIL at the hospital

[user1086]

Four days ago, I had a really traumatic labour where I suddenly became unwell (sepsis pathway) and was being prepared for an emergency c-section. However I managed to avoid having a c-section and managed to give birth naturally but tore really badly and lost a lot of blood. The whole thing was quite traumatising. I am now on a course of antibiotics (along with DD) and have to stay in hospital until our infection markers go down.

The hospital we're in has really strict visitation guidelines. The birth partner (DP) is allowed to be there all day but only one other additional visitor is allowed and they can only stay for an hour. MIL has visited once (the day after I gave birth) and on the other days I've had my mum there. As much as I do like my MIL, it's not the same as having my mum there and I much prefer having my mum there. I've had my mum visit again today and DP has told me his mum's not very happy and feels like she's being treated like an outsider as she's only visited once. DP is also in a bad mood with me for making his mum feel this way.

AIBU for wanting my mum here and not his?

I would be fine with this but the baby cannot leave the ward

He is entitled to have his mum visit when he’s an in patient.

I did fine without my mother there on both my long hospital stays after my babies, because I had a supportive husband. This woman is not as lucky as we were.

It's only one hour- the only opportunity OP has to have some much needed support from her mother. Yes it's a shame MIL can't see the baby but it's more of a shame both mother and baby are very poorly in hospital.

Does he realise how in danger you were? He's being very unfair only thinking of baby and grandma without taking you and that you are your mums baby into account.

But it’s not just one hour, it’s the only available hour of the day. So OP has to go nearly 48 hours without seeing her own mother, who she needs.

The baby is equally the fathers, but it’s not about the baby right now, it’s about the mother. Once the father has shat a watermelon and got 50 stitches in his ass he can have the casting vote on who visits him in hospital.

Sorry to hear you had such a bad experience. I hope you and baby are home soon.

I completely understand wanting your mum and not MIL.

FFS - what absolute BS. Won't someone think of the poor traumatised man here who needs his mum. Never mind the women who has just given birth in traumatic circumstances and is still recovering. If he needs his mum so much he can meet her for a coffee downstairs - an option the op does not have.

Op, you are absolutely not being unreasonable but you do have a DP problem. If he is in a bad mood with you a few days after you have given birth and you and the baby are still being treated in hospital there is something seriously wrong with him. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you are the person who gave birth, who is ill and you will decide who visits you. He sounds like an absolute prick.

The woman is in hospital unwell after a traumatic birth, the mil isn't wanting to visit or support her she wants to go and see her grandchild. The mother on the other hand will want to visit her child and give her some moral support at a difficult time. The mother and mil are not equal here, it'd be like saying if the husband was really poorly in hospital would he prefer his mother to have the only visiting slot or his mil who isn't really that fussed about seeing him?

Why do people pull these stunts when someone has had a baby? My in laws were the same 0 consideration for me, all "Where's the baby, when can we see the baby?". I was so unwell after I had my third child but they made it all about them and visiting the baby, do people completely forget what giving birth entails? I do wonder.

So MIL is having to accept that the birth didn't go as well as hoped, resulting in her expectations of seeing the baby in the early days not being what she hoped. She can grow up and get over herself. Your husband also has to learn to see things from your point of view. You're sick and vulnerable. Your needs come first (and MIL has a want, not a need).

He hasn't just had a traumatic birth and is not stuck in hospital ill and still being treated. He can see him mum whenever he wants just not on the ward with his wife and child. If he needs his mum for support then he can get it. The op is limited to one person seeing her once a day for an hour. She is vulnerable, ill and upset and is entitled to have her mother there is that is what she wants.
Frankly her 'D'P sounds horrible if he is being off with her 4 days after she has given birth because her MIL has only been to the hospital once. They both sound like absolute assholes to me.

Your DH can have all the support he needs for his 'trauma' at home. MIL just wants to spend time with the baby. She can wait.

You're poorly and you want your mum. Your DH is obviously not making you feel supported enough on his own and is sulking to top it off. He can bugger off frankly, back to mummy. You need to remind him that you're an unwell patient that needs support.

I hope you feel better soon.

This is a healthy MIL response, who is setting herself up for a great sustainable relationship with her daughter in law and a close relationship with the grandchildren.

As a mother of sons, I say your MIL can go fuck herself and your husband is just as bad.

You shouldn't have to advocate for yourself right now. I am appalled your DH has seen fit to be grumpy with you right now. This is the kind of thing that you will be angry and disappointed about for years. He has massively let you down when you were most vulnerable.

This. My MIL wasn’t at all interested in my well-being when DS was born a couple of months ago - she lives 10 minutes away but didn’t bring a single meal or offer to walk our dog, nothing. Just pushed in for ‘her cuddles’ and to get a photo with DS then buggered off again and we didn’t see her for 3 weeks.

It was the same when DD was born, we lived further away then. She brought a frozen pizza which she made clear was for ‘all of us’ to have for lunch, so we had to share it with her. Again no offers of help, just expected to cuddle the baby while we took photos that she could show off on Facebook.

She’s seen the baby, she can visit again when you’re home.

I don’t understand what men don’t get about this. I don’t want my father in law sat there as I struggle to get the baby to latch on, or when the midwife comes in to check my stitches, or when I still have a catheter in.

The fact we are expected to tolerate this indignity and be all cool and zen about it because they’re so desperate to see the baby the moment they’ve popped out is fucking enraging.

@user1086

OP, is there a nurse or midwife you have a relationship with that could set him straight for you?

I feel like this man needs to be set straight and reminded what his role is here.

Unbelievably selfish and shitty behaviour.

I am biased perhaps as my PIL behaved very similarly after my difficult birth, my first child was born with various medical conditions and it was stressful and such a hard time (he's fine now). But they carried on an absolute Italian opera about how unfair it was that my parents were seeing him more, they were being sidelined, they weren't 'enjoying being grandparents' because things 'weren't as they imagined' and I had ruined 'what should be a special time for them'. My MIL called DH crying about how unfair it was to her, and out of the habit of a lifetime my DH immediately prioritised trying to placate and appease her.

I was literally attached to machines (multiple) at the time, and the baby was also unwell. And this was pre-Covid so PIL did see him every day- I just had my parents visit more and for longer. I allowed my mother to stay while I tried and failed miserably at BF and expressing. PIL thought they were entitled to a front row seat to that. It wasn't about the baby or me, it was about marking their territory and claiming their 'equal rights' as they put it.

It massively damaged my relationship with them, and also with DH for letting me down so badly when I needed my privacy and MH to be prioritised.

We don't see them anymore because their selfish controlling behaviour only continued. If they were at all motivated by wanting a relationship with DS, they absolutely blew it for themselves by being so fixated on their own 'rights' at a time they should have recognised they were (for once) not the main character.

Jesus christ, no mother-in-law, indeed no grandmother, or grandfather or grandfather-in-law or anyone except the actual parents has a RIGHT to see a newborn. It's not their fucking baby, and fairness doesn't come into it. The parents decide when they're ready to share their child, and that largely depends on whether the mother is well enough or not.

@user1086

When she visited I found her really overbearing and she spent most of the time literally trying to shove my boob in DD's mouth (DD is having trouble latching on) and all I wanted to do was rest and go to sleep.

My goodness - what an inconsiderate person is (I'm thinking of a much ruder word!!). Does your partner know how insensitively his mother behaved? If he does I'd definitely ask for your mother to be your main visitor so she can protect you from both him and his interfering mother. I wonder how she'd feel if she'd been treated the same as her own mother in law. 🌹

So you mean to say that MIL came the very first day but has had a strop because your mum has come since then? Which is for the next 3 days??! And your husband is backing her up???!!! That’s appalling!!

I really feel for you op.
Congratulations on your new arrival! Hope you both are home and well soon.

Seriously, what is wrong with you? You post nasty goady shit on every thread you post on. Is your life really that empty and pathetic you get a kick out of being cruel to a woman who almost just died?

Your DM is there for YOU because YOU need the care. Your DMIL, while I'm sure cares for you, really wants to visit her DGC. If you could have both, fine. But with the rules you can't so having your DM visit and support YOU is more important than your DMIL's feelings and if your DH doesn't get it then he's being a bit of an idiot.

Ask your DH if he was a patient in hospital allowed one visitor a day for an hour would he be sharing it equally between the mothers?

this

Absolutely this. My DDIL is due soon, and there is no way I would prioritise any of my visits over those of her mum, and what my DDIL wanted. Yes, maybe your DP could explain (and this might be helpful), but he should not need to. Sending you hugs and a fast recovery. xx

I think this is the sensible approach any reasonable mil would take. I do think send lots of videos and photos to her and maybe dh could facetime his mum if you're not feeling up to that but under no circumstances should they be putting you under pressure.

Really though I can understand mil being over excited and keen to spend time with baby etc. But your dh is the one most out of order here. He knows exactly what an awful time you had and he still a) didn't tell his mum to wind her neck in b) mentioned it to you at all when you should be worrying about nothing but recovering and c) had the gall to be in a mood about it.

I'm so sorry he's not being more supportive especially when you're feeling so vulnerable. I also hope you recover well.

If he needs support he can see his mum anytime, since HES NOT A PATIENT IN HOSPITAL.
op, find your rage! Ask him:look at me, look around this room, remember our baby’s birth. is this a summer camp? Is it a spa weekend? Or am I a patient here because I need hospital care? Im scared and fragile and want my mums support. You’re my partner and my baby’s father and the only one allowed to visit all day and it would really really help to have your support too, not just my mum who can only visit an hour a day! Instead you’re banging on at me about how I’m being a shit daughter in law. Well, you’re being a shit husband. You can go support your mum, and tell her I’m struggling and unwell, and she will be invited to visit as soon as I’m doing better. Our baby needs me to be better much more than it needs your mums tantrum soothed.