To not want MIL at the hospital

[user1086]

Four days ago, I had a really traumatic labour where I suddenly became unwell (sepsis pathway) and was being prepared for an emergency c-section. However I managed to avoid having a c-section and managed to give birth naturally but tore really badly and lost a lot of blood. The whole thing was quite traumatising. I am now on a course of antibiotics (along with DD) and have to stay in hospital until our infection markers go down.

The hospital we're in has really strict visitation guidelines. The birth partner (DP) is allowed to be there all day but only one other additional visitor is allowed and they can only stay for an hour. MIL has visited once (the day after I gave birth) and on the other days I've had my mum there. As much as I do like my MIL, it's not the same as having my mum there and I much prefer having my mum there. I've had my mum visit again today and DP has told me his mum's not very happy and feels like she's being treated like an outsider as she's only visited once. DP is also in a bad mood with me for making his mum feel this way.

AIBU for wanting my mum here and not his?

I think you need to explain to your dh that this isn’t a normal meet the baby situation and you wish it was. You need the support from your mum and him, it’s only for a few days and then mil can have lots of cuddles when you get home. You’ll need lots of rest at home so mil is welcome to be there to help out

of course you wanted to sleep and rest your body is fighting an infection if you have markers for sepsis and you’ll have felt fucking awful 😢

get better soon

I really don’t think people realise how nasty sepsis is after birth.

This is not a normal birth situation, usually I don't think visitors would be restricted this much. Having your mum there makes perfect sense. Your partner has the right to his feelings but while you are in a medically fragile situation he should try to keep them to himself, and being irritable around you is not helpful. I cannot believe your MIL was manhandling your breasts, that is way over the line and is a good reason not to allow her back in your room.

Oh my love. Of course you want your mum. You are a patient in hospital. I am sure that I was much older than you are now when I still wanted my mum when I was unwell.

Ignore the mean comments and the comments from people who do not get that this is not about “granny privileges”, but about a sick woman wanting the comfort of her own mother. Also ignore your DP if he continues to be an arse. Though that is harder, I accept, to do.

I have been where you are (long time ago now, she turned 22 last weekend), reeling from an horrendous birth. You need to do what’s best for you. You need support and understanding. I hope you get it. And I send you, one stranger to another, much love and support and empathy.

Don’t be ridiculous. It’s got nothing to do with the MIL being a second class citizen, it’s got to do with a very poorly woman need the support of her own mum. If you were really ill would you really be happy lying in hospital making small talk with your husband’s mother? OP, ask your DH this question. If he was lying ill would he really want to be lying in hospital talking to your mum for an hour instead of having his own mum there?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Ask him if he would want your mother if he had been torn from the eye of his penis to his arsehole, and it hurt to pee and to poo, and every hormone in his body was changing as well as having to suddenly become another human being’s sole food source.

His mum is probably pressuring him, but his role right now is to support you. It is not about him and how he feels. He did not just give birth. You did. Neither of their feelings on the subject are relevant at the moment. Only yours. If he is hanging around trying to guilt trip you, he can fuck off and make room for someone who WILL nurture you. Your mum.

The OP is a patient in hospital, how about her needs come first, not MIL’s?

I guarantee your MIL would not have chosen to have HER MIL at the hospital if she had been in your situation.

All I wanted was my DM after I gave birth. She was watching DD, but then she stayed the night w/ me. A new mother often needs and wants to be mothered by her own. This is very normal.

Safe to say that I think her MIL is right old witch. Selfish and entitled and used to manipulating her DS to bend to her will.

At this point, does anyone like her? MNers?

Yep, not nice feeling 😥

She said the baby and her are on antibiotics and are in the hospital until THEIR infection markers go down, so I am going to go with "the baby is too ill to be paraded around common areas just so MIL can play some role she has envisioned in her head".

An ill baby is not a potato to be passed around until the music stops.

Sadly, this is probably the way things will go, MIL will be back up nanny, back up babysitter, backup everything, but this is Mumsnet not dadsnet so MILs will always be the devils spawn!!

Your MIL and DH are both being childish.

You are a patient and should not have to worry about this at all.

Ignore the comments who suggest you are treating your MIL unfairly. I bet they are coming from MILs who ignored their DILs boundaries and make it all about themselves.

DH can go himself down to get emotional support from his DM but the baby is also ill, hence why they are waiting for THEIR infection markers to go down.

I cannot believe some people actually think it's okay to parade an ill baby around a busy, common area of the hospital JUST so MIL can get her unwashed mitts on DI. Just mind-boggling!

OP, considering the seriousness of you and your DD's health, I think you should ask the hospital to make your DM your #1 for visits. She's the only one who has both your and your DD's wellbeing in mind. She also knows what it's like to have a baby and can be a far better help than your clueless DH. Your DM's #1 is you and DD...seems like DH's priorities are confused. She can advocate for you and protect you both.

This is how new mothers primarily have been cared for around the world. THEIR female family helped them and cared for them. Dads are important, but they aren't that intuitively helpful if they've never done this before (and even then...)

Since he did NOT give birth and almost bleed out, and he is NOT the one with the infection and having to be on bed rest and meds, yes, he DOES need to act like a GD adult for once. She is ill, scared and feeling alone since her NSDP cannot be bothered to be a supportive man and instead, acts like a spoiled little boy. He can leave and go see his Mommy. The OP cannot and the baby don't have those privileges yet.

Absolutely this OP.

Find your rage.

If my MIL demanded to see me in the hospital when I have sepsis and my baby is sick too, I would absolutely cut down on contact with her due to selfishness. This is not about granny time!

What about the baby is also ill and on antibiotics and not allowed to leave the hospital until BOTH of their markers come down?

You really think an ill baby should just be carted around hither, yither and yon, so MIL can get her grubby mitts on the baby? If the baby is ill, then the SAME rules apply. NO EXTRA VISITORS.

This isn't rocket science people.

A few of the MNers here are more like MNutters. Thinking ONLY of the MIL and DP and ignoring the OP. I can only guess what their family relationships are like with this attitude.

Some actually think the ill baby can be paraded around and treated like a game of hot potato, as long as it makes MIL happy. GMAFB!

What a farce! You are a patient and can have whoever you need and want and it's totally reasonable that it's your mum. Your MIL is lucky she's been once.
I had very very similar and dd diagnosed with neonatal meningitis. We didn't even have visitor limitations but my mum came every day and I wasn't ready for MIL to come until day 5. Because I was bloody poorly and your baby is not a dolly who exists for other people to play with and claim.
Your DH can go and meet her downstairs if he feels it would benefit and support him. (Without the baby who is also a patient).

Wishing you both a speedy recovery x

As others have already said, this is not a normal post birth situation. You have been very unwell and need your own mother there. I can’t see how any reasonable person wouldn’t see that.

Normally I’m very supportive of PIL (unless
there’s a good reason not to) involvement with grandchildren, but this case is different. There is lots of time for her to see her grandchild when you have recovered and been discharged. Perhaps your DH could suggest other ways she could support you? Maybe helping to prepare for your discharge, food shopping etc? If your DH is spending most of his time with you, there are practical things he might not have time to do that she could help with (with your permission of course). If I were your MIL I would be offering to help in that way, not mithering about your mum caring for her daughter in hospital.

THIS!

No, they don't. Nor do they seem to realize that the baby is also ill and on antibiotics. Instead, they think the DP should just strut around the hospital exposing the baby to whatever germs JUST so his mummy won't get her knickers in a twist. I do not understand any of them.

They probably equate sepsis with a "little cold". 🙄