To refuse to cover when my ex's partner gives birth?

[dadworld345]

My ex and his girlfriend have both been abusive to me. I left my ex due to his abuse. We have a 5 year old son together.

His girlfriend will have a baby soon. The ex constantly badgers me about the baby and how I should be grateful that he is giving our son a sibling. I try to ignore it.

I am my son's primary carer and I schedule important things and social events when my son is scheduled to be with his dad.

My ex and his girlfriend both have family in the area.

Ex demanded that I be on call to go pick up my son, including turning my phone on at night, if the girlfriend goes into labour. I told him he needs to sort himself out, though I did agree to cover some of the times when I am not working or sleeping.

He is now rumourmongering about me at school.

AIBU to tell him that he needs to find childcare if his gf goes into labour during one of the (infrequent) times he is responsible for our son?

@SweetBlues my son would prefer to be around me all the time every day. He tolerates going to his father's house.

Im sorry, you have as much idea as I do on when this child is due, so dont make me laugh, we could be talking in 6 months here! You are assuming this is last minute because OP is having a strop.

You also have no idea if child has any relationship with his paternal side. Something that doesnt seem to matter so long as plans dont get disrupted.

Don't get this - it's your son.

Surely you'd want him having the bestest of care?

Great, then his got 6 months to ask his parents to help.

And mum has 6 months to get over her bitterness and do what is best for her child.

I would do it but only because my child comes first above all. This is a huge event for your son, wouldn't he prefer to be with you?

It’s just another way to be controlling.
state your boundaries. Remove yourself from the conversation.
if you don’t think your dc is safe if you refuse care, then that’s obviously a different matter but otherwise, not your day, not your problem.

You also have way too much contact with an ex. How are you hearing all these things how is he badgering you. This is all too much interaction. Do not engage. He will obviously try because he wants to continue abusing you. Disengage.

It's very unlikely she'll just go into immediate labour in the middle of the night and be ready to give borth that second without any warning the day before, so realistically this scenario would never happen anyway

Actually, she 'literally' said that the ex's narrative was that "she was an unfit single mum" - she didn't say she actually was one.

YANBU however I think if you really think about it you would rather your son be with you?

So convinced women who leave their abusive partners in the middle of the night because they fear for their lives, are bitter when the prick gets with someone else 😂 what a bizarre person.

Because knowing someone or being a relative doesn't mean that the child would feel safe and settled at nighttime in their houses without a parent there.
Because even if they've met someone before and they know them, it doesn't mean they've ever had a sleepover there (which I doubt would be the case with the GF extended family and some of the nearby EX's friends which the OP mentions as an option).

I personally wouldn't risk my child to feel worried or upset at someone else's house in the middle of the night or at bedtime, they're only little. It would be different with a much older child.
I'd rather my child felt safe and comfortable than let my EX sort "whatever"childcare just to be it difficult. I would keep my phone on loud overnight and have my child home with me.

I ignore what I can and he is only allowed to contact me by email, but he's constantly sending me screeds about things where he demands i give him something he feels he is entitled to, demands to change visitation days while providing lots of details about his new life and wonderful family, etc.

Not a chance I’d be doing it for my abusive ex either OP! He does his EOW and opts out of parenting the other 12 days a fortnight, and tbh does no ‘parenting’ on his weekend it’s all Disney dad stuff, then I’m back to being the one who makes them do their homework, makes them turn their phone off at night, has rules and boundaries etc. So no way would I be ‘on call’ for him, he could do what I have to do and find childcare. Especially after 6 yrs ago when our son was blue lighted to hospital with an asthma attack and he refused to look after our other children, my 14 yr old did until my partner could get cover for his shift. And he didn’t refuse because he wanted to be with our son at the hospital, he told me it wasn’t his responsibility!

If the OP confirms that the child hardly knows his paternal relatives etc, then yes, you’d have a point, but there’s no reason to assume that at this stage in my opinion. Loads of kids sleep over at grandparents - I mean what would happen if he was having another baby with OP? The child would have to stay with relatives like many children do when siblings are born.

Agreed. I felt it was implied by the fact she didnt correct the narrative whilst stating it, but you are correct.

Wow. You’re really showing your true colours now.

Not believing every word I read on the internet is absolutely my true colours.

Yeah right. You do know kids frequently say what they think people want to hear?

And, if it’s true, all the more reason to step up, surely?

No, no. He makes the arrangements. He does not MAKE YOU make the arrangements. DC will be absolutely fine.

He has chosen to have another child. There will be all sorts of issues, you are not standby childcare. He has his contact time. End of story.

If you do not set a precedent everything will fall back to you. Forthe forseeable. NO.

54% is in OPs favour to the PP that said she was BU and everyone thought so.

@dadworld345 OP I really feel for you as I have a truly awful ex who went to great lengths to paint me in all sorts of lights that simply weren’t a true reflection of who I was. This sort of resentment towards an ex can eat away at you, particularly at times when they may appear to be doing well and happy etc. I realise your point in your post is that he should find his own childcare, and that you’ll likely say this is nothing to do with how he treated you in the past… but the fact you mention it in your post suggests that, understandably, the abuse he put you through still is relevant to your mindset.

I wonder whether you’d be there at the drop of a hat for a close friend who asked you to turn your phone on at night during a unique situation? Probably?

The reason I ask this is because if you remove any ill will towards your ex, I’m sure you’d see it’s in your DC’s best interests to be available to collect him at a moment’s notice. Is it infuriating that this benefits your ex who was abusive to you? Yes, of course. Is it frustrating and arguably inappropriate that because he’s decided to have another baby that you’re being asked to be involved in a supportive way? Yep, absolutely. But the thing is, she will have the baby and your ds WILL need taking care of while your ex is elsewhere. Whilst I haven’t been in this particular situation with my ex, I have been in many similar infuriating ones and honestly, turning the other cheek, being pleasant, understanding, amenable… it can be sickening but you win by being the better person and even if it doesn’t feel that way, you know that every time, you always have done right by your child. For me that’s always been enough for me to keep my cool. It’s hard but sometimes killing with kindness really is effective… abusive people can’t understand it and it affects them more than being difficult ever will.

I think it is the op's responsibility to care for her child if the other parent is unable to do so. Definitely not the ex's partner's family. That's a bit of a reach.

Yes, op, I do think you should be sober and accessible if your son might need you. It's for an extremely brief time period. Can you make other arrangements for your child's care on different days so you can enjoy yourself another time?

You dont get given a choice he is a parent just as much as her abuse towards the mother is NOT counted when it comes to child contact in court cases

It's easier to say no in an email from a distance

I was in two minds at first but having read a few more of your posts I think you need to put aside the fact that you really do seem to hate your ex and his girlfriend and think what is best for your son.

I'm assuming, wrongly or rightly that DS sees their father under a court order as I can't think of any reason why you would send him to someone that you deem so nasty, not only your ex but also his girlfriend.